I try to keep the serious posts to a minimum on here…mostly because it’s too easy to wallow. It’s natural to complain. Yet, it takes work to find the humor in the stuff that just totally sucks. But, when you are able to do that, sometimes it takes you out of the moment, and it makes things just a little bit better.
It’s just that life is life (deep, I know), and sometimes you just can’t help but let it all out. Sometimes, the issues you’re having just need to be vomited out and you don’t quite feel like flowering it up or finding the funny. Much like vomit. It’s not flowery or funny.
So, I’m not sure where I’m at with how I want this to go….but I do feel ready to vomit. (For the record, I really hate that word.)
I’m just feeling kind of sick of myself, if I do say so myself.
I mean seriously, what am I doing with my life? (Hence the Intentional Parenting post!)
And I write this blog, but for what? Am I even achieving the purpose I set out for when I started it? I put in so much energy, emotions and effort….and sometimes I just wonder if it’s for naught.
And then why do I obsess and worry about things that I wish didn’t have any control over me? Why do I go back and forth on caring and then not caring? Why do these certain ‘strongholds’ battle my mind moment by moment?
This can’t be a midlife crisis yet, right? I mean, I’m much too young for that, right?!? And I certainly don’t feel the need to get a sports car. A tattoo maybe, but definitely not a sports car. Wait, I did go much lighter with my hair recently. And I am considering botox….
Oh crap.
Sometimes I just feel like I need to get away from everything. My life, my routine, my family….and just re-group. Figure out who I am now, in this stage of my life. Figure out what my goals are for this season that I’m in. I don’t know, I just feel…..a little bit lost. I feel like I’m just going through the motions without any lust for life. Without any hutspah. {I’ve always wanted to use that word, just didn’t mean to save it for a post like this.}
With the busyness of things, the constant tasks that are left to do, I honestly don’t leave much time to really dig deep. And I am starting to see the consequences of that. Ick. My attitude. My short fuse. My feeling so far from God. My feeling blah about things. My eating carbs and more carbs and more carbs….
It’s kinda hard to collect your thoughts with kids and life and a husband and a job. Okay, so maybe not so much for you, but I have attention span problems. I mean, I could barely pay attention during my own wedding vows!
I’m thinking there needs to be a getaway for mom’s specifically just for this. Maybe have some therapists at hand, a spa, a huge king size bed with a pillowtop mattress topped with a featherbed and a big fluffy comforter in your own private suite. Oooh, and a fireplace. And then for an hour a day (who are we kidding, I need more than that!) you go to therapy, followed by a two hour massage, a nice nap in your own bed, and then maybe group karaoke time later that night. {Karaoke is therapy in case you didn’t know.}
Yaaaaa, that’s where I think I need to go. For a week. Or a month, whatever….
See? Just thinking about that lifted my spirits a little.
I went in just a bit ago to Chloe’s room. I picked her up and immediately she snuggled her little sweet face into my neck and wrapped her tiny arms around my shoulders. At first I heard her let out a deep sigh, and then she relaxed into her sleepy rythmic breathing. My eyes filled with tears. And as I gently slow danced with her around her room, I knew that God has me in this place for a reason.
To be better. To grow. So that I can be the mom that my babies deserve. How will I ever be able to teach them to continue growing and learning, persevering, if I am not leading by example?
Sometimes God’s ways are not comfortable, but at least there is always a reason.
And maybe some of that reason is that I just need a spa vacation mixed with some therapy.
Because that works too.
One can hope anyway.
Mid life crisis #1 here I come.
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
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when you find the ultimate mommy get-away/therapy thing, let me know!! my two are both two or younger and most days i feel like i’ve lost it. sorry you’re having a crisis… hang in there! we mommies have such a huge job… it’s no wonder we feel nuts most of the time. sending a *hug* your way… 🙂
I sometimes feel that way too. It is hard when you get sucked up into the routine of life. It can become a rut and then you wistfully think back to a time when you were childless and had less responsibility. Sadly, the grass is always greener until you get there. We all need moments where we snuggle those little faces into our neck, because it reminds us why we put up with the napless, screaming, pooping, crazy days.
In my case I think God is trying to give me the gift of patience. A gift I never asked for, but probably really need, not only with my kids, but with life in general. I actually feel proud of myself when I make it through a trying situation with my boy without screaming or getting super agitated. I am working on it one step at a time.
Find something you really enjoy. It doens’t even have to be work, because there is a reason it is called work and not pleasure. Dedicate an evening a week to it, have the hubbs take care of the kids and have a mommy sebatical. :o)
sign me up for mommy camp!!! maybe THAT is your purpose in life… to create mommy camp! i promise to be your first camper.
okay, so seriously, what you are feeling is just so normal … being a mom is such an all-encompassing, overwhelming “job”. there are highs, for sure, but there are also lows. and the lows can really, really suck.
so, i have no real answer for you, because i am looking for a lot of the same things you are… but i am here for you.
Summer, I started to respond to your post, but realized it was too long for a comment and too insightful not to post to my blog. So, my response and advice to you is now in my blog – nifermusings.blogspot.com.
– Jen
Book my reservation for one room with a king size bed and all the extras while you’re at it. That sounds absolutely divine to me!
And don’t worry to much…this too shall pass. You’re in a tough spot. You’ve got to experience these times so that when the good times roll around you can appreciate them all the more. Or something like that. That’s probably not any comfort at all now that I think about it.
Breathe. Take one day at a time, one moment at a time if necessary. You’re not the only one experiencing these things, we’ve all been there at one time or another and can totally relate. At the end of everyday pick one wonderful (OK, semi-good) thing that happened and focus on that. It tends to make all the bad seem less important.
Aww Summer…I feel your pain now, I’m in a bit of a place too.
Here’s what helps me when I worry/obsess/cry/ or need a spa day. Do with it what you will.
Worry and anxiety are gourmet foods for the evil one. Also, we very rarely worry about the very moment we are in, it’s almost always about something in the future or something in our past, which means we are not living in the NOW…which is where God wants us to be so we don’t miss anything. Things like your moment with Chloe, I’m so glad you had that too!
Keep smiling my dear, this too shall pass!
God bless you!
Ok so I know this is not the response you were trying to get, but thank you for posting this. Thank you for your honesty. And thank you for talking about the reality of having children.
I don’t mean that in a bad way, I promise.
What I mean is this… someone once told me that because I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to have children, there must be something wrong with me. The way I see it, I know myself. Really well. I know that I will go crazy. I know that the sort of instability that children bring might not be for me. But I’m not saying it won’t happen for sure. But for now, I’ll be taking steps to prevent it.
But thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For your honesty. I think it’s ok that you need some time to yourself.
Oh Summer, I so get this post. I understand and live everything in it. How do you do that? How do you know what is in my heart.
Love you, I truly do.
I have been feeling that exact same way lately. Like I am missing my calling and on edge and just not living life the way I should, with energy and excitement. It feels terrible and might be a mid-life crisis. But the spa/therapy trip sounds just like what I need. With all inclusive meals and wine. And champagne. So I don’t have to make any decisions and can just think and breathe. Yep. I think a lot of us feel this way, mommys or not.
I’m pretty sure I feel exactly like that ALL the time. Like, where am I going? Where am I now? Who is this person staring back at me from the mirror, and why hasn’t she combed her hair yet today?
When it gets really bad I just take a class. Then I at least feel like I’m moving towards something for ME. But I’m a selfish jerk, so I don’t know if my method is fail-proof for everyone. 🙂
You totally described some of my very struggles, especially with blogging. I wonder if it makes any difference…am I wasting my time. Great post…you can vomit on me any time. (((hugs)))
My babies always seem to calm me down and put me in my place when I’m having a moment of crisis.
Seperated at birth, that’s us.
I just spent last night doing a little “CIO” session on myself. Only I gave in and comforted myself with a wee bit o wine. Except that made the CIO session last longer and I had to drag Rob in on it, too.
FOr me, I think some of this floundering is just knowing there are some things I should do and not wanting to do them. Pushing away instead of drawing nearer. Eating Ramen with hamburger and cheese instead of a salad. SOmetimes I just don’t have the energy to try, yk?
Psh.
I’m goin’ to bed. Rock on with yo bad self, Summer.
Did you even realize that you DID put funny stuff in here? I love how you just know the right way to put your thoughts into words and have them make sense. I can relate to this on so many levels, especially this part…
“With the busyness of things, the constant tasks that are left to do, I honestly don’t leave much time to really dig deep. And I am starting to see the consequences of that. Ick. My attitude. My short fuse. My feeling so far from God. My feeling blah about things. My eating carbs and more carbs and more carbs….”
I hate not having more time to myself – more time to think – more time to figure things out. I hear ya, lady. 🙂
You will be amazed in a few short years when both your kids are in school how much better you feel. It’s kind of a bitter sweet thing.
i don’t even have kids (but will someday) and i need a spa vacation like this. i meet up with my girlfriends from college once a year and we try to pamper ourselves, but a week away, with time alone and time with other women, lux sheets and massages, good food…i say someone needs to start a business… and make it affordable so real people can do it!
AAAAAAAGHHHHHH! Can I come with you to your getaway? Please???
I loved this post, it was the very eloquent groanings of my heart.
Hang in there, and enjoy where you are!
It’s so difficult to remember in the midst of life-crap the growing lessons… you even get defensive and defiant in the face of hard times – I don’t wanna learn this lesson, hmph! Trust me, it’s the story of my life… and so many other women… so you’re not alone!! And you will pull through! When you turn to the carb goodies to help cope, don’t beat yourself up about it… there are worse coping strategies out there!!
xoxo J
I have cried so many tears about these very things. I have tried to explain to my hubby, and as much as he tries, he doesn’t get it. Motherhood takes over the old you and I am still yet to find what was in me before.
So, maybe you should start a mommy retreat. It could be a new business venture. I will come for sure!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
It seems like since I have discovered your blog, I feel less insane. When you have posts like this I feel like you are inside my head writing my thoughts. It feels good to know that there is not something wrong with me, but that this is a natural process. I can’t say it enough – THANK YOU!
P.S. There are LOTS of nice bed & breakfasts out here (NM) maybe we should plan our own “BlogHer” type conference we can call it Blogtini LOL