anxiety Archives - Page 4 of 5

…the lesson

May 26, 2009

It was just a moment. A quick uncomfortable moment.

I am so thankful for my husband, for I am never alone in any of this when I experience such things. He sat with me, held me, prayed for me, and talked me through it.

What he helped me learn…I am great in stress. I am focused, I get the job done, I stay strong. It’s when it’s all over with, when all is calm, and things are returning to normal and I begin to unwind and relax…that’s when the moments come.

I have to learn for the next time, that in the midst of the chaos to take time to relax. To breathe. To unwind. To feel.

And then perhaps, when it’s all over, there will be nothing pent up that needs to expel itself.

Tearfully uncomfortable is never a welcomed emotion. But, if it brings clarity for my life, then I welcome it.

Just not again anytime soon.

I have enough clarity for this year.

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tearfully uncomfortable

May 26, 2009

Tonight I sit, tearfully uncomfortable.

I don’t understand the reasons why. I know that at times, this comes on without warning, without meaning, without cause. So, I sit and wait. I hope and pray. I feel and do my best to learn the lesson.

The hardest part for me is to overcome is the fear. The fear of the return, the fear of the known. The what ifs and the what I know it could be.

And yet, I’ve seen the other side. I know the calm, I know the peace. I’ve experienced it even among the chaos of my soul.

I know that it brings change. It brings light. It brings joy and trust.

It brings, but that isn’t what is here now. All I know is that what is here, what I feel, it’s absolutely not for the weak. I am not weak. I was not made that way. I will press on. I will hold on.

So as the night gets longer and darker, I will continue to sit, tearfully uncomfortable. I will feel it. I will experience it. And I know, in time, I will see the other side.

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I’m going to live…for now

May 5, 2009

For whatever reason, I’ve always had this feeling that my time here on earth would be short. When I say short, I mean I don’t think I’ll live past 70. And that’s totally okay with me. I’ve had 30 years to digest it, so I’m finally at peace with it.

So, when we tried to get term life insurance for the two of us and they denied me due to ‘unusually high bilirubin levels’ I wasn’t suprised. I took a deep breath and slowly let it go.

While I thought the age was 70, I understood maybe God had other plans. So, I dramatically twittered my goodbye’s. I updated my facebook status telling all my friends how they were loved. And then I took myself to the doctor and bravely underwent extensive testing. (Blood work and an ultrasound.)

The weekend was long while I awaited my fate. While I researched liver failure and gallbladder cancer, I made sure to be extra loving to my husband and children. I began to see the colors of the earth brighter and more alive than ever before. And each breath I took I made sure was one I wouldn’t take for granted.

I stopped counting calories. I gave up my scale checking habit. By golly, if it was my time, I wasn’t going to go missing out on the finer things of life.

And then Monday came, along with it, the phone call with the destiny of my life.

“Summer, it’s Dr. M. Your results are back.”

Dramatic Pause.

“It appears there is evidence of gall stones. But, your gallbladder isn’t inflamed so there’s no action needed at this time.”

Shocking Pause.

“So, you’re fine. No issues at all. I’ll send you the lab work to forward to the life insurance company. Take care!”

Little does she know, (or maybe she just didn’t have the heart to tell me), gall stones can turn into cancer.

Also, I have had a sore throat off and on for a month.

A MONTH!

So, I’m thinking throat cancer.

In fact, I better go to Web MD right now and get to diagnosing this immediately.

I loved you all.

***Please know, I was mostly joking in this post. I don’t really think I’m dying. I’m not a worrier about my health. I just like attention. ha ha ha.*** =)

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a quote

April 11, 2009

To change a thought,

you first have to capture it.

-Dr. Archibald D. Hart

The Anxiety Cure

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my oprah invite

April 7, 2009

Did you know I was supposed to be on Oprah today?

Ya, so apparently, the producers sent the invitation that was intended for me to some blogger named Dooce. {Who is this Dooce anyway?} I just hope, whoever she is, that she doesn’t feel too embarrassed when she realizes she was the wrong blogger on the show.

Poor Oprah, having to just go along with it.

Oh well, accidents happen. Next time.

So, in case you wanted to know what I would have said….then you came to the right place. Here are my tidbits on motherhood. Take em or leave em. But, I’m telling you…every word is true.

If you’re not a mom, think very long and hard about why you want to be one. And then when you feel you know the true reason and you feel it so deep in your heart, toss it out and long for it back, because that is what motherhood will do to it anyway.

Being a mom is awesome. But not for the reasons you thought.

You will need medication. If you want to fit in anyway. Yes, Mama Kat…it’s the cool thing to do.

Sleeping in becomes anything past 6 am.

A full nights sleep is 5 hours. In a row.

Going to the grocery store alone will seem like such a big deal that you put on makeup and heels because you’re going “out.”

You absolutely will wonder if you made a mistake having kids.

Then you’ll feel guilty for wondering.

Get used to it, Guilt is your new best friend.

Wine and chocolate will be appreciated in a whole new way.

Of course, there’s good stuff too, but that wasn’t the focus of Oprah today. Instead we were to talk about how hard it is and to be open and honest about the fact.

And ask my husband, I have NO problem doing that.

I have more, I always have more, but I’ll save it for Oprah.

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feeling the pain

April 1, 2009

Recently, Jimmy and I were talking about how it is really uncomfortable to feel pain. (I know, you’re thinking, um duh.) I think we are such a painless society. When we have a headache, we take medicine. When we feel bad, we look for a way to feel good. Pain sucks and we will do what we have to do to make it go away. I’m certainly no exception. Hellllo, I love love love epidurals.

We got to talking about God’s timing, and how sometimes, he doesn’t exactly move as quickly as we want him to. We pray, we medicate, we seek our own way, and yet the hurt is still there. We wonder, why isn’t God taking the pain when he is plenty capable.

I’ve been in that place. Almost two years ago, what started as a panic attack (after spending a week watching and helping to care for my grandpa in his final days), slowly turned into month after painful month of intense anxiety. Every single moment was painful. I wanted to sleep, yet I couldn’t. I wanted to eat, and I couldn’t. I wanted to cry, but there were no tears. I was in this prison, praying out to God that he would just take it away. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt trapped, and I wanted out.

When I realized the pain wasn’t going anywhere my prayers went from, “Take this from me!” to, “Get me through this, help me to learn the lesson, help me just to make it through the next five minutes.”

For me, there is no pain greater than emotional pain. And yet despite how incredibly awful I felt inside, I knew I had nothing that I was unhappy about. My grandpa was in heaven, finally released from his disease. I felt incredibly surrounded with love by my friends and family who knew what I was going through. And both Jimmy and Taylor were unbelievably sweet and gentle with me during that time. Everything was amazing. Besides the fact that I was in deep emotional pain.

In my pain, I learned to trust. I learned to live moment by moment. I learned humility. I learned the true meaning of joy. I learned to be content in even the worst of circumstances. I learned that what doesn’t break me only serves to make me stronger.

I learned more than anything, that sometimes, it’s just neccessary to feel the pain. It’s important to trust in God’s timing. Even when it doesn’t seem like he’s working, he is.

He always always is.

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anxiety epidemic

March 26, 2009

Seriously…I really do feel like there is one.

Even though, I never lived it, I miss the Good Ol’ Days.

I feel like we are so overworked. So overstimulated.

We have so much access to information that we get overwhelmed.

We are required by others, but most often by ourselves, to wear as many hats as we can. To be all things to all people.

The pressure we feel, the celebrities we’re up against, the impossible state of “perfection” most are striving to achieve.

We don’t really know how to relax. How to unwind. How to connect.

Don’t get me wrong, I love technology. I adore my Mac. But, there are days I wish I could go back to the time of Little House on the Prairie.

Did they even have anxiety back then?

The thing is, I don’t want to give up my Mac. Or my Blog. Or my access to information on the web.

So, how do we stop this Anxiety Epidemic? How do we keep things simple like the Good Ol’ Days, but still keep to the ways of Today?

I get caught up in thinking. Too much thinking. And instead I need to stop and pray.

My prayer, every day, is for all of us who struggle with this, that we will never see the ugly face of anxiety again. That we can all find a way to take a deep breath. Slow down. Relax. And somehow find a way to escape this awful epidemic.

Thinking is good, but the first step should always be prayer.

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rainy night thoughts

February 6, 2009

I love the rain in Southern California. But, only at night when the kids are in bed asleep, and I can sit in my living room with the candles lit and just enjoy the sound.

Ahhh….

It makes me think deep. Ugh, can you imagine how I was when I lived in Seattle?

So, right now I’m reading the The Anxiety Cure and though I’ve read it before, it’s one of those books you should definitely read twice. This time around I’m going through it with a pen and underlining key things. I’m taking it really slow, and trying to savor what needs to be remembered.

If there are any of you who have or are suffering from anxiety and/or panic attacks, I highly recommend this book. It’s life changing. I’d even say, if you know or love someone who suffers from this, even you should read the book. As I underline things, I read them to Jimmy. And he’s always so thankful that I did, because it helps him to understand so much better.

Anyway, good book. I’ll share more when I’ve finished it all the way through again.

Also, in light of the deep candlelit thinking…I wanted to share this dream that my friend Bethany had a couple of years ago. It seems like a lot of people I know and love are going through some really hard times right now. And this story keeps coming to mind. It has meant so much to me time and time again, and I hold on to the image every time life gets hard.

Imagine that God has you in the palm of his hands. You are just the size of an infant compared to the capable hands that are holding you. And as you lay in his hands, you’re curled up trying to protect yourself from the rain that is beating down on you. It’s cold, dreary, and intense. It almost feels like it’s more than you can bear. But, as you glance beneath the hands that are holding you, you see rapid waters and scorching fire. If for a moment, God was to let you go, you would surely die. Suddenly, the rain doesn’t seem so bad. And so you snuggle into the safety of Gods hands knowing that what you’re going through is manageable because you are safe with Him. And knowing that He is keeping you from things far worse allows your hope and faith to grow.

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anxiety hangover, hanging in there

December 30, 2008

I am so glad I took the chance by posting and being vulnerable yesterday. The encouragement was exactly what I needed. Knowing I’m not alone, and that there are others doing just fine, gives me hope. I cried with each comment that was posted and with each email that was sent. It meant so much to me. It really did.

It also helped that Libby came over in the morning and just sat next to me on the couch and while I cried, she cried with me. Her friendship is more valuable than I can explain. I couldn’t have made it through yesterday without her.

By the end of the day yesterday I felt much better. This morning, not so much. (I promise, this won’t become a blog of whoa is me.) This afternoon, much better. I have hope.

I realize this has come about for probably several reasons. I have possibly two surgeries coming up in the next couple of months, and although I’m not worried about it, my body may be trying to tell me to slow down. I’m going to listen.

I also think that there are things in my life that need changing. I made a list last night, and did my best to start making those changes right away. Some things are immediate, some things will take time.

I am stronger than this. I can do all things through He who gives me strength.

When I went through all this a year and a half ago, I listened to this song over and over again. The lyrics were just what I needed.

I’m writing them here since I think there may be others who need to hear it as well.

“Beauty From Pain”

The lights go out all around me One last candle to keep out the night And then the darkness surrounds me I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made I try to keep warm but i just grow colder I feel like i’m slipping away After all this has passed, i still will remain After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain Though it won’t be today, Someday i’ll hope again And there’ll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain My whole world is the pain inside me The best i can do is just get through the day When life before is only a memory I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place And though i can’t understand why this happened I know that i will when i look back someday And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes And made me as gold purified through these flames After all this has passed, i still will remain After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain Though it won’t be today, Someday i’ll hope again And there’ll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain Here i am, at the end of me Tryin to hold to what i can’t see I forgot how to hope This night’s been so long I cling to Your promise There will be a dawn After all this has passed, i still will remain After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain Though it won’t be today, Someday i’ll hope again And there’ll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain

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anxiety – ick.

December 29, 2008

I’ve never been completely open about this. I’m much too fragile and afraid of being judged or looked down on. But, I started this blog not just to begin writing again, but to be real. To share my own struggles and joys in hopes that I can myself grow and learn, but also in hopes to help someone else do the same.

I’ve mentioned my anxiety. But, the thing about my anxiety is that it doesn’t seem to come from worrying. I can be going along in my life, even if things are stressful, and think I am doing just fine. The fall always comes before, “Hey, I think I’m doing really well! Look at all that’s going on, and I’m not even worried or stressed!” Boom. It hits.

Last year, December 27th to be exact, was the last day that I remember experiencing anxiety. I’ve had moments here and there since, but nothing that lasted too long or was too big of a deal.

Then December 28th came this year. I was feeling totally fine all day long, and then around 7pm, I got this oh so familiar and uncomfortable feeling that can only be called anxiety. It’s awful. Seriously the worst feeling in the world. It’s this feeling of unsettledness and dread combined. My mouth goes dry, my tummy gets upset, and there isn’t a thing in the world that I could even attempt to eat. (I love to eat. So, this is when you know it’s serious!!!) I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and wait for it to go away. I did do that a little. Only, I crawled into bed and got out my bible. It had a bit of dust I had to wipe off first.

It’s a little better today. But, not entirely. I’m bummed. I had hoped this was a thing of my 20’s. I guess maybe God has other plans. I’ve been slacking in my bible reading, in my prayer life….in many areas actually. Could this be His way of getting me back on track?

My friend Aurora knew my struggles and emailed me this verse:

Philippians 4:6

Don’t worry about anything; Instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I plan on doing a lot of praying and reading today. I cannot stay in this place. I have two kids and a husband who depend on me. I just know I didn’t put myself here, and I can’t bring myself out. God rescued me before, and I have to believe he will again.

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