Archives for November 2013

I’ve been digging, you guys.
There’s been lots of “studying and praying”… although I have to confess my praying style now is unlike anything it’s ever been before.
Maybe it’s more real.
More authentic.
More of what God must have always truly seen in the depths of who I am.

I’m reading.
I’m reflecting.
I’m listening.
I’m laying down my protective/defensive walls, and allowing myself to feel vulnerable in a way that is completely unfamiliar to me.

I can tell you without hesitation, that I doubt my abilities as a writer, a parent, a wife, and a friend.
But there is an inner trembling that takes over with my admission that I am in a place of understanding God.

I thought parenting humbled me…
but parenting has nothing on this place I’m in now.

There seems to be a collection of thoughts, words, sayings, ideas, illustrations, theology tidbits, and so on and so on that are tumbling around back and forth throughout my mind.
And I intentionally settle into each moment as it comes.

I don’t want to be convinced or persuaded.
I simply want to understand and know.

I’m not attempting to chase a feeling.
Instead I’m interested in always pursuing the truth of who God is.

God is real.
He is.
How can I doubt that?

It’s just incredibly hard to understand His nature.
And WHY He chose to do things the way He did.
It doesn’t make sense to my brain, as limited and small as it is.

And that’s where I am.
In the most basic terms, I am finally getting to know God.

And just to share, for the sake of sharing…. you know in case someone else with a brain like mine might need to read some of what I’ve been reading and pondering, here are a few links to what I have been starting with.

Dug Down Deep: I don’t quite have the brain to read deep books on theology.  At least not yet.  But, this book…Oh this book.  I’m about halfway through, with a highlighter, and it’s just good.  I admit that I was hesitant to read this because as my friend said, “I kissed Joshua Harris goodbye when I got married!”  But, as it turns out, he’s walked a similar path in his faith, and he has a gift for making systematic theology understandable, readable and relatable.

Biblical Jiu Jitsu and specifically this post to start,  Threat of theology.  I encourage you to dig deep in the posts though, and click through to links, as the depths to your learning will be endless and exciting.

Potters Freedom (haven’t read yet, but it’s been suggested to me, and it’s on my list.)

Lies Women Believe and the Truths that Set Them Free: I am just about 2 or 3 chapters into this book, but goodness gracious, does it ever speak to me.  Click the link and read the sample…you’ll see exactly what I mean.

xo

 

 

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“There is surprising comfort in the realization that God is so unlike you and me.  The fact that He’s not like us is the reason we can run to Him for rescue.”  –Joshua Harris, Dug Down Deep

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It’s been a year.  This 2013.
It’s been that way for many of those I love too, what’s the deal?

I think I’d call it, “The year of questioning…EVERYTHING.”

Seriously, you name it: Marriage, parenting, my purpose, my faith, my blog and “career..,” friendships, homeschooling, and of course….me.
I am constantly questioning myself.
Probably more than anything else.

A life changing experience recently….actually about 6 months ago, (it’s taken me some time to process through it all), was when we left the church we had been attending for quite some time.

We prayed long and hard and we both knew that it was a decision we needed to make and it was tough.
It was a seeker friendly church, and we needed more.
We craved deeper relationships that extended beyond the meet and greet outside of Sunday Service in the courtyard.
We craved deeper study of the bible and scripture.

But I experienced incredible sadness knowing I would have to say goodbye to the youth group girls that had become such a part of my heart.
I knew that in leaving, those relationships would change.
Somebody else would step into my role and become their mentor, taking them through the final years of their high school experience.
I didn’t want to let go of that, but I was drowning…and in truth, we were hungry trying to feed the hungry.

God was calling us to something new.

Without going into details, leaving was unpleasant.
We shared our hearts, and in doing that, hearts were hurt.

Careless letters were written, hearts were broken, and trust was damaged.
And rather than craving something deeper, instead I found myself utterly broken.

I try and try to go back to the moment where The Lord grabbed hold of my heart last Good Friday and made it quite clear by reminding me to, “Look ONLY at ME.”

And I had been….until church hurt, and then I found myself once again looking at “Him” through the filter of other christians.
And it was devastating.

I’ve been a christian for as long as I can remember.
I always believed.
I’ve always found faith easy.
Jesus was my hero, and even when I wasn’t living it, I was loving Him in the depths of my heart.

Loving Him is good and right, but to truly know the one you love, sometimes you need facts.
Facts can’t take His place, but I can’t know Him without them.
So it seems that now I’m in the depths of working out my faith with fear and trembling, and I hope that through it all, roots are growing deeper and stronger.

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“When the Bible calls God holy, it means primarily that God is transcendentally separate.  He is so far above and beyond us that He seems almost totally foreign to us.” -R.C. Sproul
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My deepest desire is that when I come out of this place of struggle and questioning, that God would put me back together even better than I was before.

I want to be the christian, the CHRIST FOLLOWER, that sets aside my ego, my plans, my emotions and feelings, and instead looks only to the hearts and needs of those around me.
I dont want to ever be the Christ Follower that makes others doubt Christ is real, the way I have experienced.

Is that even possible though?
I am so flawed.
I am daily making selfish mistakes, either out loud or in the depths of my heart.

But my DESIRE, my HEART, is to be different.

And maybe that’s what 2013 has been all about.
Maybe that’s why I am here.
Maybe that’s why I have doubts and questions and the entire engine of my car (faith) is being taken apart right before my eyes.

I’m inspecting what’s right and what isn’t…
Pinning fact against fiction, rumors against truth.

And when it all comes back together, and my car is ready to take off driving again, I pray it’s a road filled with unbending faith, love, kindness, forgiveness, healing, mercy and grace.

 

It means so much that you are here! I know life gets busy though, so if you don't want to miss a thing, I invite you to subscribe to my blog through email!