Archives for May 2013

ready for battle

May 28, 2013

Sometimes there comes a moment where enough is enough.
You just cannot slump around anymore.
You will not whine or complain or mope one more minute.
There MUST be an end, and you will find that end no matter what it takes.

There also comes a time when you finally realize that a pill or a book or a person or a purchase is not going to fix you.
In fact, deep down you know that nothing out there will ever be able to fix or complete you.

And you’ll come to know…it’s only up to you.

And so you pick yourself up and you just. get. ready.

Ready to battle.

Ready to take responsibility and ready to make changes.

You stand before the mirror, and you acknowledge that only you see what’s before you….
what is inside you….
and only you can make the next step.

You may not feel ready.
You may not feel equipped.
But know that He is, and He is with you….ready to tackle it by your side.

He is just waiting, has always been patiently waiting, for you to make that first step.

And the time is now.

Take His hand and take the leap.

It’s time to fight, and grow, and learn, and take responsibility.
It’s time to DO THE WORK.
And do it daily.
Hourly.
Even minute by minute in the moments you must.

For we will ALL be stronger and wiser and happier simply because we refused to give up.
We wouldn’t give in.
And we will know we fought for ourselves, for our life, for our family, for our soul.

So, make a list, write a letter, be accountable, laugh.

Every day laugh….

But most importantly, whatever it may be…
BEGIN TO MAKE A CHANGE.

And never stop fighting.
Never give up.
We are not quitters.

He thought us worthy to live,
so begin today to live a life that is worthy.

photo credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/36574991/via/talia9714

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life is changing & i’m telling the story

May 23, 2013

It’s been a long few years.
{a long life?}Among the joys and blessings there have also been a lot of struggles, a lot of character building, and a lot of very humbling moments…
And yet, when something amazing and perfectly fitting comes along in your life, you realize all the many reasons God allowed you to walk the road you did.With time, experience and a teachable heart, comes perspective and wisdom.

I’m learning that ever so slowly.

God is doing something in our family.
Something exciting and big and a little bit scary.
And I’ve shared a little, but there’s so much more…

There are times I simply want to leave my heart to words written, but in this case, I want so badly to be able to sit down with each and every one of you and share all that is in my heart.
Just the way I have done with my closest friends since being home.

And so this video is just that.
Grab your tea.
It’s time for us to chat, friend to friend.
Cause I’m fixin’ to tell you my story….

For more information on how to support this Childrens Heritage Foundation Orphanage project or if you’d love to get involved yourself click here.

My good Friday experience post

Journal Entries/Blogs from our trip

To support our family while we continue to help with this project, click on the orphanage button to the right as well as here.

Music in the video by Kyle Hildebrand (Simple Song)

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cause baby we were born that way

May 20, 2013

{photo credit: via}

“I’m just a girl in the world.”

“I’m sensitive and I’d like to stay that way.”

“Cause baby, I was born this way!”

“So, thanks for making me a fighter!”

~~~~~~~

I’m a sensitive girl.
I’ve been told so many times by people I love that I’m too sensitive, that I need to grow a thicker skin.
I’m too much of this, and not enough of that.

I’ve always felt ashamed of my tears.
Of my heart.
Of the way I feel strongly, of the way I feel emotions.

I have tried to mask it.
Tried to squash it.
Tried to build a wall so high and so deep that nobody would be able to see the sensitivity still hiding behind it.

And then one day I met someone who spoke something into my life that truly made a lasting impression on my heart.

“You are sensitive! And I love that about you. Because it’s exactly how God made you and exactly how He wanted you to be. There is a purpose for your sensitivity, so never let anyone tell you that this is something that is wrong with you.”

I felt such a freedom when I heard her say those words.
For once someone saw through the walls.
Someone saw through the mask.

And even when she saw the real me, I was still lovable.
To her, it was good.

And then I thought, if this one woman could see through to the real me and see that it was good, how much more so does God feel that way about his very own creation?

As women, I think we have been confused.
We think we need to be something other than how we were created.

We are told to be this or that.

That we aren’t enough.

That we need to be more.

Try harder.

Be stronger.

But not so strong.

Softer.

But not too soft.

It’s conflicting and confusing and we are left standing helpless wondering what to do with the “mess” inside that doesn’t seem to fit what the world expects of us.

And that’s the trouble.
We are looking to the world, to our family, to our friends… to define us as women.

And we feel ashamed if who we truly are doesn’t match up to the standards set upon us.

But the truth is, we are each made unique by our Creator.

Despite how different we all may be, at our core, we are all still exactly who God created us to be for a purpose.

It’s okay for some of us to be stronger than others.
And it’s okay for others to have a softer side instead.
Sometimes, we may find we are a strong mix of both.

Some of us cry easily, others hardly at all.

Some of us love fashion and shopping, still others prefer a simpler approach to beauty.

Some get giddy in dresses and heels, others cringe at anything other than jeans and flats.

Some scrapbook, some sew, some work, some stay home, some want kids, some don’t, some marry, some aren’t, some cook… and then believe it or not, some are allergic to the kitchen….(ahem.)

There are so many ways, so many beautiful ways, that we as women were made to be different.

I believe that the Proverbs 31 woman isn’t meant to intimidate us.
I feel she is meant to unite us.
To show us all the ways a woman can be.

Strong and capable.
Fun and entertaining.
Crafty and caring.
Wise and charming.

My prayer is that we would be freed from the chains of the labels we have latched on to.
That we wouldn’t let the world or the church or anyone else for that matter tell us that we need to be something other than what God created us to be.

Know who you are in Christ.
Embrace how He created YOU to be.

And never be ashamed.

Romans 12: 4-8

4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

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if tomorrow never comes

May 14, 2013

I’m guilty of sometimes getting caught up in the tomorrow’s of life…in the what if’s and what I need to do’s….

I think and worry about how my kids will turn out, how our finances will be, where we will live and where I will work.

I pray for the future, I pray God will protect us, and I ask for guidance.

And recently in these times of prayer I have noticed God prompting me towards the thought, “But what if tomorrow doesn’t come?”

The more the thought comes to me, the more I spend time in deep consideration over it.

We hear it all the time, “Live as though today were your last.”
People have bucket lists, take chances, and think this means they should live freely because tomorrow isn’t promised.

But I’ve begun thinking a little deeper than just what activities I’d want to do if my tomorrow didn’t come….and instead started wondering how and where I’d want to be on my last day?

How would I want to have been acting? Treating people? How would I want to have spent my time?

If I knew my days were limited….

I can tell you, I wouldn’t jump on a plane to somewhere tropical.
I wouldn’t go eat chocolate cake and pizza just because I could.
I wouldn’t jump out of planes or rush to get tattoos….

I would instead desire to make every last moment count.
I would love my kids and husband in a way that they would always remember.
I would spend hours on my knees worshiping the Lord and praying for those I love.

I’d no longer put off calling and telling the ones I love what they mean to me. I’d instead make the time and effort to make sure they knew.
I’d laugh easier.
I’d forgive immediately.
That fight wouldn’t be so important after all.
I’d see beauty where before I’d seen hopelessness.
I would hug tighter.
I would love without hesitation.
I would make the most of my days instead of wasting them.

In essence, I would live each day the way Jesus intends us to live all our days.
For Him.

Loving and serving and remembering that right now, it’s not about us.
It’s not about tomorrow.

It’s about right now, this moment in time you have been given.

If you knew it was your last moment, your last day, your last week or month….how would you live differently?

Would that fight matter?
Would your grudge seem silly?
Would your patience last longer?
Would you spend money differently?

I pray that we’d all be able to stop and think….what if this was it?

And then live and LOVE as though it was.

You guys, that is a truly a life well lived.

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just please…put it down

May 14, 2013

A sob catches in my throat and I blink quickly.
My heart begins to quicken and slowly I hang my head in shame.

Heavily my eyes begin to close which only releases my once contained tears.

It’s dark and everyone sleeps.
My world is quiet, my mind is not.

All the stuffing, literally and emotionally, begins to bubble over my tightened lid.

I long to write.
To search.
To dig.
Simply just to understand what is happening.

And for the first time in a place like this, I find there is nothing.
There are no words.
I type only to go back and erase.

All the images, the emotions, the regret and pain, hope and sorrow all jumble together to form something not a single word can capture.

Yet, I hear in the midst of all that confusion… a still small voice.
It wants to calm me.
It longs to comfort me.
It wants to take away all the guilt and shame…

That much I know.

But, I have piled on so much over the months that I can barely hear.
Besides, I have found comfort elsewhere, and this voice is now less familiar.

How quickly it becomes unfamiliar.

I have been craving…
Every day.
Every night.
I crave.

But tonight?
Tonight I hear Him.
“Put it down.” He whispers.
“Enough.”

There is no condemnation.
Not a hint anger.
But I feel His sadness.
I’ve been lost and hurting and stuffing…
all the while there He stood with arms open wide…

…only to watch me walk away towards false comforts.

What He must feel to love someone so much He died for them…
And yet stand there completely absolutely abandoned…

Still here He is, whispering His heart of unconditional Love.

“Beloved, I never walked away, I’ve been here all along. Simply waiting. Just please…put it down. Take my hand, and let me be your comfort and healing from this moment on…”

And finally I hear Him.
So I’m listening.
I’m putting it down.
And instead I grasp His hand.

~~~~~~~

And I realize…
That is why I had no words.
Because He needed a chance to speak His.

photo credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/27285305/via/FicouSaudade

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bathroom prayers produce joy…eventually

May 13, 2013

{via}

She didn’t know it, but the words she spoke to me would make me smile for many days to follow.

“Summer! I’m so happy to see you, and you just look SO happy!!!”

She said it a couple times throughout the night, and each time I wanted to reach out and grasp her words and hold them tightly, never letting go.

It had been an emotionally draining day.
Few days actually.

I had just been dealing with misunderstanding, deep hurts, and hard decisions…and I felt as though my heart might actually crumble into little pieces.

And yet, somehow in the midst of all the gunk….
I knew I would be okay.

I wasn’t feeling tormented.
Or angry.
Or in any way confused by God’s plans with my life and friendships.

I wasn’t any of those things, because I had been in prayer.
Every. Single. Day.
Specific prayers.
And the issues I was dealing with were actually just a couple of those exact prayers I had been “circling” each and every day.

I didn’t doubt for a moment that God was at work.

Yes, I was hurting.
Yes, I felt lost.
Of course, I wanted to make things go my way initially….

But when I heard her words…. “You just look SO happy….” it hit me.

Maybe in that moment I didn’t exactly feel happiness…
my current circumstances were far from happy…

But what I’m sure she saw that night,
was Joy.
Joy despite my circumstances.

This had just been another prayer of my heart for far more days than I could even remember.

They had been the Bathroom floor kind of prayers.

And hearing her words alerted me to what has been bringing a smile to my face in the most random of moments.

Another prayer answered.

I’ve found my joy.
I have been blessed with the biggest answered prayer of my life.

It’s not always perfect, this life….
But when you are filled with the Joy of the Lord….everything really is that much better.

It’s simple.
You cling to Him.
You cry out to Him.
You look ONLY at Him…

and there is it.

Joy.

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the homeschooling mirror

May 8, 2013

I thought for sure I began homeschooling simply for my kids.
There were so many reasons and I knew there would be so many benefits.

I had no idea that in the process there would be a gigantic mirror held up to my heart showing me all the “junk” I had hanging around in there.

There was a day about a week ago when I reached my limit.
I had homeschooled long enough relying on my own strength, and God allowed me to crash and burn.

My spirit was broken and I knew it was time to submit to God’s way.

There was brokenness, but the brokenness was what finally lead me to repentance.
And I realized God absolutely called me to homeschool for now, He just never called me to do it on my own.

Not only do I need to rely on Him….

…I also need support.
From my husband.
From other homeschooling moms.
From my friends.

And thankfully He has blessed me with such incredible and supportive friends.

Ones that homeschool, and even ones who don’t.

Ones who listen and support me and challenge me.

Ones who understand my free time/social life is limited and make adjustments to see me anyway.

One who stand by my side and pray for me and tell me I’m still doing a good job…

….even when I’m certain I’m not.

They have been my reminders from God letting me know yes, I’m human and sometimes fail, but even in that, I am still loved.

How grateful I am for those anchors.

They remind me there is still redemption.

But mostly, I need to remember I can’t get through a DAY without HIM leading it right from the start.

Still.
I’m not perfect.
I have to take lots of deep breaths.
I have to say a lot of “I’m sorry’s.” “Mommy’s mess up too.” And “Will you please forgive me’s?”

We pray together.
A lot.

We have to in order to get through it all.

But even on the hardest days I don’t doubt this calling for a moment.
(ok truth. i do in SOME moments, but they’re fleeting.)

It is for me.
For my babies.
For my family.
For my relationship with the Lord.

It’s all these reasons and more.

I take it day by day….
And He carries me through.

If only I remember to let him.

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theres freedom in saying me too

May 7, 2013

We all have things we struggle with.

We all have guilt and shame and a part of us we hide so deep down inside and we pray nobody will ever see it.

We put on a smile.
We put on an act.
We say the “right” things.
We do what we’re supposed to.
We pretend to have it all together.

And we think we are doing not only a service to others, but for ourselves as well.

We try not be a burden.
We do what we think will keep us protected and safe.
We close up, and we shut up.

And we suffer…in silence.

I remember a time once when I was newly married, and things were not as easy and blissful as I had imagined the newlywed life would be.
We were two different people, with different ways of dealing with things, and we were trying to merge it all together in a not so graceful way.

Around that time, we started going to a bible study with other young marrieds and each week I would listen and watch and wait….for someone else to confess their struggles so I could feel safe to share mine.

Finally, one night as the guys and girls broke off to pray, I found the Lord wouldn’t allow me to hold it in anymore and out tumbled the truths of my heart.

In that one moment, all my walls crumbled down.
I couldn’t pretend a moment longer.

I needed people to see me, I needed just one person to hear and understand my heart….
Mostly, I just needed to hear those words that would begin my healing,
“Me too….”

It was such a pivotal moment for me…and that night I knew God was showing me a better way.

In all honesty, it was scary.

Sometimes it still is, especially when I bare my life for all to see here.

And sometimes, people don’t get it.
But mostly….people do.

And for every email, for every comment, for every phone call and new friendship born from a “Me too…” moment, makes the risk God has asked me to take, absolutely worth it.

In learning to be honest with other women, I have found and heard so many “Me too’s…” and with each one my heart grows and my faith increases.

I understand myself, I understand them, and an empathy grows even for those who have yet to open up.

In learning to be vulnerable with my husband, he has been able to see beyond my actions and into my heart, and in all of that has been able to love me in just the way I need to be loved.

In being real with my kids, on a level they can understand, it has given them a freedom….a permission to have their own struggles and not feel shame in the midst of it.

God did not put us in this life together to go through it alone.
He did not ask us to pretend and to be fake.
He certainly doesn’t ask us to be perfect.

Our lessons, our lives, and our struggles are allowed, so that we can become stronger and better and able to love and care for the others in our lives.

In doing all of this, we become more like Him.

And THAT is what all this “stuff” is for.

We are not doing any favors by pretending or hiding.

It’s scary, I know.

Not everyone will hold your heart with gentle hands, but the ones who do, will make all the rest worth it.

Sometimes the greatest blessings in our lives are the ones that take the greatest risk.

So, I pray you’re able to find that inner strength, speak up….and say….
“Me too…”

We are not alone.

You are not alone.

“Me too…”

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the p.m.s. they don’t warn you about

May 1, 2013

Its only been 3 weeks since being home.

3 weeks since my heart and soul were changed forever.

3 weeks that I have battled feelings of homesickness and restlessness…
for a country that isn’t even mine.

For countries I haven’t even been to, yet.

Being back hasn’t been easy.

While I am incredibly thankful for my hot showers and comfortable bed, I remember just how content I can be without them.

And sometimes?

Having so much, and remembering those that don’t…leaves me feeling burdened.

Nobody warned me about this.

This “being back home, when your heart longs to be somewhere else,” kind of blues.

Which is otherwise known in my house as P.M.S.

(post missions trip syndrome)

In the last three weeks I’ve found myself revisiting the pictures, studying my Spanish, and praying for the children I know and even for the ones I have yet to meet.

I’m studying different third world countries and their needs, wanting to go and be a part of it all.

And then through it all, I’m trying to sit at the feet of the Lord, patiently waiting for him to clearly say once again, “Go.”

I want so much more than a one week trip, more than just 3-4 hours a day teaching stories and playing games.

I want to visit their homes and meet their families.

I crave to understand their struggles, and witness all that brings them joy.

I long to be their friend….
A part of their family.
To be someone they can trust, who comes alongside and loves with them….

…. bearing all things, believing all things, hoping for all things, enduring all things…

And for the first time in our life as a family, God has every one of us in a place where we would let go of whatever he asked…all to say “yes” to whatever it is he has planned.

Our hearts are ready.
We have no plan, except the one to follow God.

And now that I’ve had a taste of what that plan could be for our life….
I crave it more and more.

We may not know His long term plan clearly, but there is definitely an excitement and a waiting expectancy in my home.

So that heaviness, that P.M.S, is absolutely okay…

because it just shows me that God has truly called us to so much more than what we’re doing now!

I found this quote the other day when I was researching details on starting our Dominican Orphanage, and it gave me such incredible peace, that I had to share…

For it is now the life my family and I are living…

‘This is a “faith walk” from start to finish. God doesn’t allow us to see the end of the road, just where to take our next step. He doesn’t provide a blue print to explain every detail. We listen for His voice and strive to follow His lead. The first thing we must do on this journey is seek the Lord for direction by asking, “Lord what would you have me do this year [today], what are my assignments?” We must ask God these questions because it is easy for us to miss God and assign ourselves work that we may not be called to do.’

We’ve been assigned.
And we’re starting with the Dominican Orphanage.

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