Archives for April 2013

I was wide awake and writing…

~~~~~~~

In complete awe of all that God has put on my family’s heart and so excited to see all that he does in the next few months (years)!!!

Already I can see (and absolutely love) that it’s completely out of my hands and in the capable hands of God.

He’s keeping me up tonight for a reason, suddenly I’m realizing that.

How easily we revert back to our old ways…as was made apparent to me today.

Today became about me.
Today became about having control.
And all throughout the day, I just felt totally off.
Grumpy, short, tired, impatient…

And while it is my 7 days this month.…STILL.

It’s just not okay.

And so the moment the kids were asleep….I heard Him again,

When I hear those words now, I listen.
I immediately grabbed my prayer journal, and got myself busy talking to Jesus.

He than began to direct my thoughts a different direction, away from my self-centeredness.
And I began remembering the unexpected miracle of my sudden change of heart and desire to homeschool.

I was then reminded of the strong desire I had for my family to learn Spanish as soon as that change took place in our life.

It’s the little things He’s bringing to mind, and I hear him say….

And when I hear that, He reminds me of these last few months.
And because of what He allowed me to struggle with in all the questioning of my faith, it would seem that I have quite a bit of experience in obedience lately.

I can clearly see his Hand all throughout my life.
When you’re focused only on Him, I suppose that happens.

And then He continued to remind me….

..of the foster son we had and loved, and still love.
But knowing it wasn’t time, he wasn’t meant to be ours, and letting him go…
And yet that desire to adopt lingered still.

…of that need inside me to do more, to be used more, to step outside of my comfort zone but not knowing even what that could mean or where to start.

…of the conversations between Jimmy and I over the years, dreaming and hoping to take our children with us one day to do missions work again, only having no idea when, where or how.

And so I pray….again and again.
Releasing the burden of it all, handing it easily now, completely over to Him.

And then tonight, there came to mind a new word.

I have that hope, and all I yearn for now, is to bring it those without any.
I want them to know that even though we aren’t perfect…

He fills us with Esperanza.

It’s the same hope I now have for my family.
Hope that they will love more than anything serving God, obeying God, and even being uncomfortable for God, and finding it to truly be the greatest joy of their lives.

~~~~~~

And with that final thought, my eyelids began to feel their weight, and it was then understood just why He had kept me so wide awake.

I needed to be redirected.
I needed to be reminded, again, that this is NOT about me.

And slowly and peacefully…finally I drifted off to sleep,

© 2013 “Le Musings of Moi”

I sent this email to all my family and friends last night

and then I woke up this morning and it hit me.

You all have become my family and friends too. 

You have blessed me with more love and support more than I ever expected. 

You have been with me on this journey, and so you need this letter too.

So here it is.

From my family’s heart to yours:

~~~~~~~

Since being home from the DR there have been a lot of tears and so much unrest within me.

I’ve laid in bed at night and looked at Jimmy with tears in my eyes crying,  

“It can’t stop here.  There has to be more for us….”  

And he promises me that there is.  

We are both well aware that this is our family’s purpose.  

We just didn’t and still don’t know exactly what that looks like.

I’ve been doing this 40 day prayer challenge….and with it, I’ve been keeping a prayer journal daily listing out my gratitude along with my hearts desires and prayer requests.  

I love this prayer journal…and already it’s allowing me to see God at work…in crazy ways..in giant God ways.

When I was called to go on this trip and bring Taylor, I mentioned in previous letters that it was perhaps just the beginning.  

And I was right.

When I left the DR, I knew I wasn’t done.

And so I prayed.

And journaled, and made clear my desires, but leaving it fully open to God’s ultimate plan.

One of the hardest things about leaving the DR, was leaving behind the beginnings of relationships being formed, and the trust that had just begun to be built. 

I never wanted to let a single one of those babies, children, or teens go.  

I wanted to stay and pour into their lives, seek to know their stories, and promise them I would be with them every step of their journey.  

I continued to think of my most favorite child of all, Hendenson, who was being raised by his grandparents, and I wanted to know…should something happen to them, that I could play a part in keeping him safe.

And so I wrote in my journal day in and day out: “Missions work, focused purpose” as well as “Orphanage.” 

Those were my two most consistent and strongest requests and desires. 

And yet with both I wondered, “Really, could He use me???  How???”

And then I was reminded of the quote from the book, The Circle Maker, where the author says: 

“God doesn’t call the equipped, he equips the called.”  

And I know without a doubt, my family is called.

Then yesterday, Robert from Children’s Heritage Foundation asked if I’d could meet with him.  After an hour of talking, we realized God had put on both our hearts the same desire:  

“Orphanage.”  

Little did I know, he had already spoken with a local DR pastor about the need and ability to start one, and the answer he received on both was, “Yes, it’s a need.  Yes, it can happen.”

I can’t begin to tell you the passion and joy that welled up inside me.  

God was calling us to begin something.  

It may end up looking different than what we discussed in that meeting, but that’s okay.  

Robert said it best, “It’s easier to turn around a moving truck than to turn one that isn’t moving.”  

And so we begin the driving process.

My family is on board.  

It looks like I’ll be going back in June, hopefully with a team God’s designed, to begin the process.

And again, we hope to go back in December with another team to continue that process….

And then again and again, until prayerfully we have it up and going with people from the DR running it, and teams from Children’s Heritage continually going back to help.

My prayer is to be a part of this, and possibly spend several weeks/months at a time building and forming a community.  

We want to invest time into bonding with the children, and disciplining and building relationships the staff and potential house parents.

Who knows what God really has planned (thankfully He does!), but what I do know, is my family is being called.

We don’t know how it all will work, but I don’t doubt for a moment that it will.

And so with this email I simply ask you to search your hearts on where and how God wants you to be a part of this.

• We definitely need team members.
• We’ll eventually need medical help.
• Construction. (no experience necessary)
• Ideas for fundraisers…
• HELP with fundraisers!
• Financial contributions… (Here’s the direct link for now:)
• http://store01.prostores.com/servlet/chfstore/the-Mission-Trips-cln-Dominican-Republic-bdsh–cln–March-31–dsh–April-6/Categories

And above all things, we need PRAYER.

© 2013 “Le Musings of Moi”

And yet, cold water, no water, sweaty and dirty….I am home.

I have found that joy and peace I’ve so longed for. 
And I get to experience that with my son by my side.
I long to experience it with my entire family one day as well.

“It’s not about me….” 
I found peace.

I can live without hot showers and the latest makeup trends…because I am at peace. 

I am home.

So, where do I go from here, Lord?

Which of all these swirling feelings and plans are from you, and how will You use me?

I desire to travel wherever you call me and hear the stories.
Experience the stories…
And then share the stories through my writing, so they too can know…
so they too can go and make a change in whatever way you are calling them.

I know, without a doubt, you have called me.

And yet I feel so inadequate.

But, this has to be my life.

I can’t go back and be comfortable knowing what I know, having seen what I’ve seen.

So, here I am Lord.

Unworthy.

Unequipped.

Yet willing.

Send me.

© 2013 “Le Musings of Moi”

I then found myself at the crib of another boy, unable to speak or walk or care for himself in any way.  He wore a superman shirt, and I whispered to him,
“One day, sweet boy, you will be with the greatest superhero of all.”  
And he will.  

His blank stare and open mouth captivated me, and as I laid my hand on his chest, his breathing slowed and his eyes softened.  
I couldn’t leave him.  
There was so much I needed him to know through my eyes, prayers, and touch.  
He had to know that he was lovable.  
That he was worthy.  
And that one day, he would be made whole again.  
He would.  
And I would hug him as he was now, and I will hug as he will be then.

So as I bent down, and looked into his eyes, I told him out loud, that he was beautiful and perfect.  
And that one day he would be healed, running down the streets of heaven, and I couldn’t wait to run beside him.  
Then I reached through those bars to the writhing head of this hurting boy and I began to simply and softly touch his cheek.  
Gently I traced his lips, his cheeks, his eyes and ears, over and over again. 

I just simply heard the voice of God say over and over again,
“Whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me.” 

© 2013 “Le Musings of Moi”