January 2013 - Summer Saldana

There was a time where I never thought I would be able to say…

“After anxiety….”

Especially when the other part to that sentence would end up being a bright side.

In case you didn’t know….

My struggle with anxiety didn’t begin until after I suddenly lost my dad. Once I had experienced such intense and sudden grief, I began to feel moments of anxiety here and there. I never named it though…it was just a part of the pain I had to learn to deal with after losing my dad.

But then it showed up again the morning of my wedding.
My fears took over and I found myself curled into a ball unsure of how I was to face what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.
Honestly?
I thought we would have to get married in the bathroom I had locked myself into.

It was definitely an awful feeling, yet still it remained unnamed.

“She’s so sensitive/dramatic/weak…” was more what people probably thought of me.
Because those were the very things I thought of myself.

Years and years later when Taylor was 2, my grandpa’s cancer took a turn, and I felt called to go home and help care for him. He had always been such a gentle and loving man, and I wanted to somehow return the favor.

I helped alongside my family every day for a full week, and did all I could to stay strong, all while staring death in it’s face.

Two days after I returned to my home, Jesus finally took my grandpa to his.

That night I got the news, I no longer felt strong.

That night, that awful feeling I had experienced here and there in the past, finally got a name.

Anxiety.

Panic Attacks.

The feeling, I imagined, of what hell must be like.

That night turned into a month, and if you’ve read this blog, you know my story. If not, you can catch up on the journey here.

Over the years I have tried everything, and I mean everything, to rid myself of that awful feeling.
What it turned me into, wasn’t me.
It never had been.
And I didn’t much appreciate it taking over my life, and ultimately robbing me of me.

After a very long painful road, in the last year, I’ve thankfully been able to feel the relief my soul so desperately needed.

I can think of things, of moments and memories, that used to make my anxiety arise…
only now, it’s simply just a memory.

Still painful….but not anything close to the racing heart, feeling of doom, kind of pain.

If you know anxiety, you understand this.

But what amazes me, is that I can now look back and see all the beauty that’s come from what has easily been the hardest years of my life.

And honestly, while I would never wish it on ANYONE, and I certainly don’t wish for it back….
I realize,

I needed that struggle.

I needed to be that weak.

I needed to know that my only hope, when there seemed to be none, was Him.

He was the light in my darkness.

~ My relationship and trust in the Lord is stronger than ever. Even when it felt so dark, even when I felt so alone, He never let me go. My faith, though definitely as small as a mustard seed, still remained…and I am so thankful I never let go.

~ My marriage became stronger. My husband was incredible with me, with the kids, and with the months and years of trial and error efforts to get better. His unconditional love, his whispers of comfort and support, his tenderness with me and his faithfulness to our marriage and family…was everything I needed then. But especially now. I look at him with such respect and awe. And I fall deeper in love.

~ I found my truest lifetime friends, that were handed to me right from the Hand of God. In fact, my closest friends have become like family.

Some new and some old, but regardless, I know the ones in my life are the ones who always will be.

They never left my side.

Never stopped praying.

Never stopped offering to help in whatever way they could, even when it wasn’t always convenient.

And when the friends I knew just couldn’t understand, God brought me ones who did.

In fact, my newest friends may as well be my oldest, because when you walk a road like ours, nothing can bring you closer.

It’s an understanding that far exceeds any length of time.

It’s a bond that can never be broken.

And I love those girls.

We need each other, and thankfully the most important thing we could ever have in common, is our love and devotion to the Lord.

~ I have no fear. I realized I have walked through what felt like the death of my soul, and I survived.

I came out stronger.

More dependent on God.

Aware of my own weakness.

And with an incredible empathy for the pain and struggles of others.

~ I can truly appreciate the good, and genuinely thank God for the bad. Because ultimately if you remain dependant on our capable Father, all things work together for your (and HIS) good.

So I encourage you, no matter what your road or struggle may be…

Open up.

Share with someone.

Lean into the Lord through prayer and meditating on His promises of what IS TRUE.

{I have a list of them if you need them!}

Having that someone, even if it’s just me, to be there with you makes all the difference.

And most importantly…

Don’t give up.

There is an AFTER.

….

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We all tend to dream of bigger and better…
…of more love, more passion, of anywhere or anything other than where we are right now.

We get so settled into our lives and spaces, and we begin to feel bored….discontent.
We look over the fences of our lives and longingly gaze into the dreamy world of others.

The world we think is so much better and easier….and happier.

“We should be happy like that,” we convince ourselves.

We long for it.
We think on it.
We desire it.
We need it.

We think we need it.

That space?
I know it well.

Watching romantic movies and dreaming….longing to be loved like that.

All the while pushing away the one who truly does.

I know me.
I get distracted.
I get hopeless.
I get complacent.
I am just…. so incredibly imperfect.

I felt myself pulling away, creating a distance that didn’t need to be there….

….and then I talked to her:

“Stuck is in your head and not outside the box, meaning we go in circles with our own thoughts and selfish desires in our minds. Grass is grass….on both sides. Put aside the feelings of now because they can’t be trusted, they are like the wind….battle them on your knees in prayer.”

How I loved her truth, how I needed to hear it spoken in that moment, and as it usually happens, tears began to fall….

a lot.

And so I began intentionally being present more.

And he began intentionally loving me in the way I needed.

Last month he watched The Holiday with me, and afterward held me tighter.

Last week he watched The Notebook with me, and wouldn’t let me go as our tears fell.

He whispers promises that he’ll always fight for me.

He doesn’t realize I understand that he already has.

He loves to follow me around all the time.

I never understood why.

But as we tend to do….if we saw it happening in a movie we would say:

“Look at how he loves her….adores her. He would do anything for her….I want that….”

And you know what?

He does loves me….like that.

He absolutely adores me…just like that.

He is all that I dream of.

The worst thing you can do is look over the fence.
Stop comparing…
Because that world you think you see?
It isn’t real.

You don’t see the flaws and imperfections and the dirty underwear on the floor.

Your world?
Is better.
If you do the work to make it that way.

I choose to stay right where I am.

With the one who choose me without a doubt or a moments hesitation…

For better or worse in sickness and in health.

I choose him.

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It means so much that you are here! I know life gets busy though, so if you don't want to miss a thing, I invite you to subscribe to my blog through email!

Archives for January 2013

after anxiety…

a true fairytale