Archives for November 2012

challenged

November 28, 2012

Challenged.

I was recently asked to pick a word that described my life lately and after some deep thought, that was the only one I could come up with.

I’ve been challenged in health…
Marriage…
Life…
Parenting…
Relationships…
Family…
Faith.

Faith is sometimes the hardest challenge of all, especially when you take your eyes off the Perfecter of it and onto the ones who are doing (sometimes) their best to live it out.

We are all so far from perfect.
We fail so often.
And eventually we will hurt and disappoint people, even when we try our hardest not to.

I’ve been there recently.
And with all the other stuff going on, it’s caused me to question a lot of things.

I found myself in this place where I was so focused on my hurt, on my disappointment, on my confusion and lack of clear direction and understanding that I simply felt paralyzed and my mind became cloudy.

It was exhausting.
I’ve been exhausted.
And sick.
And just….
feeling so lost.

And then the other day I found myself in an emotionless “tell it like it is” moment with God.

I was folding laundry and suddenly I prayed out loud….

“God…

I’m so done.

I just can’t feel angry or hurt or lost or confused anymore.

But honestly, I also can’t seem to muster up the strength to care passionately either. So I guess I just ask that you’d help me to simply accept where I am and whatever it is you are doing with me.

Help me to remain faithful to you, even when everything here doesn’t always make sense.”

And as I continued to fold away, suddenly the giant knot of anger inside began to fade a little.

The challenges are still there.
Not a single thing has changed.

But my grip of control has.

And in the last few days I feel released.
Calmer.
More thankful and aware of what is right in my world..

And I went to bed last night feeling such deep gratitude for what God has blessed me with.

I am living my dream.
I have an incredibly loving, supportive, loyal, understanding and committed husband who loves the Lord and desires to honor Him.
I have kids that are healthy and sweet and unconditionally love me despite my faults and failures as a mom sometimes.
I have friends that understand and get me and are like my family, and that is rare.
And I get to be a writer, which is exactly what I have always dreamed and prayed I’d be able to do one day, and here I am.

So yes.

Challenged may still be the word to describe where I am…
But at least now I can see that in those challenges are incredible blessings.

And that is how I know my God is real.

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making changes

November 13, 2012

Since September, life has been a whirlwind of change.

First there was homeschooling.

What the?!?!?

And then I began teaching and adding more Aqua Zumba classes to my schedule.

Then we listed our house.

Then we had to FIND another house.

Then in just one week we had to pack and move.

{and thennnnnn….}

Then there was unpacking.

And still there was homeschooling.

And after all that, I began to experience incredible pain in both my feet.

Which led to the diagnosis of Arthritis/Heel Injuries…

Which brought with it the instructions for,

“Bedrest.”
{ha.}

Workout rest.

And of course, that brought with it….

My own eating healthy rest.

And writing/blogging rest.

I love change.

And I hate change.

It’s exciting and exhausting.

Draining and invigorating.

And so my mind feels all kinds of cluttered.

My thoughts don’t feel complete.
I feel torn between so many things and people.

I have a list of important to do’s and obligations that are way past due.

We’re behind in homeschooling.

I’m behind in taking care of my health.

I’m behind in friendships.

I’m simply behind.

I don’t much enjoy that.

But, I’m not a quitter.

Yes I’ve been a bit scattered here and there….it’s not the end of the world.

It’s simply the phase I’m in.

It’s just what my life is right now.

I am a planner though, and I’m not content to sit in this mess and wallow, so in order to get organized….

MORE change is a comin’.

First, I’m in the fun process of switching this blog to WordPress.

I also want to start the New Year off with a clear mind on where I want to go with this blog and my writing.

I want to have committed days that I write.

And committed days that I work out.

I especially need committed time to homeschool.

I need to sit with my schedule and take control, instead of letting my schedule take control of me.

I’m excited though.

Tired, yes (i fall asleep sitting up now, it’s a talent…), but excited.

It’s been months of chaos and a lot of stuff coming up that’s been shaking up my life, but I can see that it’s going to be good in the end.

I can see clearly now…

Well…

…once the rain has gone.

Hang in there with me.

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caught between two worlds

November 8, 2012

It seems I’m caught between two worlds.

And sometimes it feels like it’s between even more.

My eyes are full of tears (strange for me, I know)….but my heart is full of passion.

I have fallen even more madly in love with my kids in these last few months.

I used to need my time, and I still do, but now it seems I need them more.
I’ve always loved them, but I can see now that I was in a place of survival.
It was simply about getting through each day, and always looking forward to the future when they would be in school, and I could have that time back for me.

And that world, the world of me….I’d be lying if I didn’t say I miss it too.

I miss the time I was starting to have to write and workout, or to read and talk on the phone without being interrupted.
I miss writing and teaching Zumba as often as I was beginning to.
I miss having more of a social life.
I miss being more connected with my friends.

I had always felt I’d lost a part of myself when I had kids.
And I longed for the day I got me back.
Right before I started homeschooling, I had just begun to get a taste of that world.

And yet, I still wasn’t fulfilled.

I struggled with not feeling enough.
I was still feeling as though I wasn’t a good mom, and that maybe God had made a mistake by even allowing me to have kids.

I felt increasing anxiety because it felt as though I was constantly failing the expectations I had of how a good mom should be.
It seemed, in my eyes, I was failing day after day after day.

I only had so many hours a day with them, and in those precious hours….I was absolutely failing my babies.

But then there was my life.
My me time.
Suddenly things were falling into place.
I was writing. And getting paid.
I had followers on Twitter, friends on Facebook, and a blog that was growing by the month.

My life, my dreams, my time, me….me….me.

No wonder my burden was heavy.
My focus was all wrong.

And so God got to work.

One thing I know for sure is this:
I don’t feel myself if I don’t stay true to what God has called me to be and to do with the gifts (the very few i have) He’s given me.

But, I also know…that the biggest gift I’ve been given is my family.
He gave me the incredible privilege of getting to be a mom to Taylor and Chloe.

They are bigger than a blog.
Bigger than my career.
Bigger than my ministry.

They are the biggest audience in my life.
They are my most important followers.
My most important ministry.
And they are also growing by the month.

And I’ve been missing out because I was too focused on me.

This homeschooling world?
Is so beyond outside of my comfort zone, it’s not even funny.

Still, there hasn’t been a single panic attack nor a need to take up drinking, so I guess I’d say so far so good.

It’s only been a couple of months but already there is a shift in my home.
Taylor is calmer and happier, and way more loving than he’s ever been.
And our bond seems deeper as we both charter new territory and experience this change together.

We are learning to love even more unconditionally and with each day comes incredible forgiveness and the sweetest grace.
On both our parts.

And the strangest thing of all?

I used to dread the end of the school day when the kids would come home.
Not because I wasn’t excited to see them, but because my alone/quiet time was over or being interrupted before I was ready.

Now?

I love that I’m with my kids all the time. (okay, most of the time…)
I don’t see it as a burden or an inconvenience, and in just weeks of being purposeful in my time with them, I feel as though I know and understand them better.
And I love that.

These last few months haven’t been easy.
It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
It’s as though I’ve been dropped off in a foreign country and without knowing the language or the land, I must find a way to make it my home.

I want to be here, doing things for me.
But, I need to be there, caring and tending to their hearts and lives.

God has called me to both.

It’s a learning curve.
A new life.
A chance to combine the two worlds I’m caught between into one.

I feel as though this place….this incredibly uncomfortable yet comforting place, is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
For now.

I’m scared and I’m excited.

I finally feel I have a purpose.
I finally feel like a good mom, even on my bad days.

God is changing me.
It’s not easy and it’s most certainly not comfortable.

But, it’s a change I needed, and I think He knew that.

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addressing narcissism: the untold story of my blog

November 1, 2012

narcissism

“…bloggers really are just…narcissistic…” I heard her say.

And I felt a slight sting somewhere inside me, yet I tried not to react.

i’m just too sensitive…

don’t be too much drama…

And then a short time later I came across this comment, “I believe that when each and every blogger delves deeper, you’ll likely find that sharing in this manner is, in a sense, a cry for attention. If it really were all about the writing, why share it publicly? Granted, popularity may not be the main reason, but I think it’s also unrealistic to dismiss that’s a reason behind why you write publicly.”

I know I’m sensitive, and I know there is a story behind what was said, and likely it all comes from a good place…

So let me share as well, the story behind me…

| Addressing Narcissism |

The story I have yet to share…
Because if you knew me as my husband and close friends do, and you knew my heart and my story, you’d see that I too, come from a good place. And it’s not the place you think.

~~~~~~~

Though I hate the memory, 5 years ago I suddenly began suffering through debilitating anxiety after helping to care for my grandpa in his last days of cancer.

All this followed a long two years of postpartum depression after Taylor was born, and it was the first anxiety I’d ever experienced in my life, and it was awful.

Horrible.

An actual living nightmare, and like nothing I could ever explain, or want to explain, or ever want to feel at that level again in my whole life.

And in that time of my life, I felt so incredibly lost and alone.
Absolutely nobody understood my darkness.

My friends had faded away, though they had tried, they simply didn’t know how to help.
My husband remained, yet unreachable…as he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t help.

I stopped reaching out.
And so I remained deathly afraid.
Fearfully alone.
And I wondered if God would ever pull me out the nightmare I was living.

“… The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive
But I feel like I died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away
*Beauty from Pain lyrics*

I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t read books.
I didn’t want to talk.
Even T.V. made me feel unsettled.

And so I passed the painful time on my phone playing mindless games to keep me distracted from the anxious thoughts that threatened to steal everything.

I’d spend hours searching for things online just to keep from realizing how slowly time was creeping by.

And then somehow I came across a blog.

I’d never read one before, but was intrigued that people were just putting their private journaling thoughts out there for everyone to read.
…and judge, so I would later learn.

And as I read, I learned that she too suffered with anxiety.
like mine…
She too, had felt depression.
like mine…
She wrote of things I understood, the exact things I was living in that very moment.
It was as though, sometimes, she even wrote what I hadn’t even been able to make sense of myself yet.

And beyond that, she made me laugh.
Out loud.
I didn’t believe that would ever happen again.
Truthfully, I hadn’t even smiled in over a month.

Not to my husband.
Not to my son.
Not even to myself.
But there I was, waking up my husband at night….with laughter.
And as he awoke to hear me retell the story that had brought me joy, I felt warmth in my soul for the first time in a long time.

Ultimately, that feeling was a blessing from God.
But, I also know that this blog I’d found?
Was His personal gift to me.
It was a tiny little step towards healing.
A tiny little step towards hope.

And it all happened because I had found someone who got me.

So when I hear opinions and comments such as the ones above, this is immediately where my heart goes.

I reluctantly remember that scared and hurting girl curled into a ball on her couch sobbing…clutching her Bible and praying for strength just to get through even the next five minutes.

I think of that girl and I thank my sweet Jesus that he gave the guts to Alice to share her life, her thoughts, her issues, and especially her humor so that I could have that moment to hold on to.

So that, when things got better and then got hard again, I could go back and remember…
I’m not alone.

{this picture made her day. okay. mine too.}

And as I came out of that time in my life, I remembered the final lyrics of what had become my theme song:

“My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flamesAfter all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain”
*Beauty from Pain*

And suddenly, I knew I too needed to blog.
I no longer felt it was okay for me to keep my struggles and lessons to myself in a journal.

God needed to create Beauty from my Pain.

He didn’t intend for us to live alone.
He didn’t intend for us to suffer alone.
And He didn’t intend for us to learn His lessons alone.

~~~~~~~

I have a folder in my email account.

In it are all the emails from women who, over the years, have shared their hearts and their lives and their struggles.
Women who thought they were alone had nobody who understood.

I read and re-read them and pray for them.
Some I still keep in touch with.
Some are now my closest friends.

I keep those emails not to pat myself on the back for a job well done, but to remind myself how God is absolutely at work.
And so that when I get discouraged by judgements or distracted by shiny things, I can glance through that folder and remember… it’s not about me.

~~~~~~~

I’m a writer and I’m sensitive, and it’s exactly how God created me to be.
I think and connect with others, with myself even, through written words.
This is just me.

And I get not everyone understands me, and that’s okay.
But what I desire you to grasp is why I have this blog.
It’s not for attention.
And not to make it all about me.

{although I have been distracted here and there along the way.}

But where I am now, honestly??
I now pray with each blog I post, that when all is said and done and you walk away from here, rather than it being me you think about, instead it’s become HIM.

Writing is my passion.
Jesus is my passion.
Ministry is my passion.
This blog allows me to tie it all together.

~~~~~~~

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