Let’s just start at the beginning….
I blame the Duggars.
Actually, the initial blame (or would that be thanks?) goes to one of my best friends Bethany who first TOLD me about the Duggars.
And so I started watching and at first I was kind of confused at the long dress wearing styles and lack of television watching they had going on. So not me, I instantly thought.
But then I continued to watch in utter fascination.
They were happy.
Strong in their faith.
Their family was close, and they were intelligent.
But, more than smart, they cared for others.
They weren’t so self focused, and instead each of them had a heart to help and reach out to and beyond their community.
And they loved their mom.
I wanted that for my kids.
I wanted that for me.
But I can be a yeller.
I can sometimes have very little patience.
And I have always longed for the day they would both be in school and I could get back to me.
Besides.
I didn’t want them in a christian bubble.
I wanted to “teach them to swim, so that one day when they found a body of water they wouldn’t drown.” {from Going Public}
And so I continued to watch the Duggars with every ounce of admiration I had, but resolved in my heart that God had a different path for me and my kids.
Still, I ordered some of the Character Booklets they had used, you know, to try out in our free time.
That was three years ago.
Around that time two of my best friends started to homeschool their kids the traditional way….much in the way the Duggars do it, only with a lot less kids. (so far)
And wouldn’t you know it, their kids were also kind of incredible.
And their families were close.
And while they definitely had tough days, it seemed so worth it to them.
I admired them for making the sacrifice, but it wasn’t for me.
Taylor wasn’t the kind of kid who could handle me teaching him.
Besides.
He was absolutely blossoming in public school.
I was convinced it was good for my friends, but God had other plans for me.
Still, I kept watching the Duggars and I kept looking over those Character booklets I secretly had tucked away.
A year or two later, four more of my close friends began to homeschool as well.
Only they each had a different way of doing it.
Some were going through charters, some online, and some just doing it in a way that simply worked for them.
And their families were close.
And they seemed to have something so many other families didn’t.
I longed for that.
I felt my family was missing something.
It just definitely wasn’t homeschooling!
That was never my calling.
Maybe it was time for family mission trips.
Or Awanas.
Or more community service.
Anything other than homeschooling.
But the more I talked to different people, the more I realized….it wasn’t a cookie cutter situation.
And it definitely wasn’t what I had always pictured homeschooling to be…
And being that I am not so much a cookie cutter girl, I became even more intrigued.
A few months later, I found myself at lunch with my friends Candace and Emmy.
We were discussing our lives which led to the discussion of raising our own children.
Candace began talking about how she felt she had missed so many important years with her daughter just always thinking she had plenty of time.
Now suddenly her oldest was in High School, and time was slipping through her fingers.
My eyes began to burn with tears and my heart began to race.
God began to speak to me.
Quietly…
I’m sure because he knows I’m prone to anxiety.
A few weeks later, our worship pastor pre-released his worship cd and on it was a song called Mama.
When I had first heard it in church a year or two before, I listened to it with a heavy heart.
My thoughts went immediately to the broken relationship with my mom, and my familiar pity party surrounding that began.
“I wish I had a mom like that. It’s not fair. And how sad for Jimmy too, he doesn’t have that mom either….”
As my tears spilled, I decided as lovely as it was, I didn’t think I could hear it ever again.
This time when I heard it, since God had already been whispering to me, I heard it with a new heart.
And my very first cry
You held me in your arms
And you showed me what Christ is like
I just wanna say, thank you
I just need to say, that I love you
Momma, your love will shine when all is dark outside
Your love will echo on through all my life
Momma, your love, comes from knowing Jesus Christ
And I know, that you love me,
Momma
Through those tough young years of life
Though I pushed you held me close
You never left my side
There’s nothing I could do that, would make you let go
Chorus:
Bridge:
And now I know that same love
Cause you first showed it to me
So be joyful because
He is making me complete
My heart was softened and I knew something was changing.
I didn’t know what, I only knew God was going to do something big with me.
And without much thought, I grabbed my kids, played it again, and the three of us slow danced together around my bedroom.
I sang my heart out with tears filling my eyes, and when it was done I thought:
“I may not have that kind of mom, but I can be that mom. It’s not to late….”
And as I finished that thought, Taylor whispered….
“Mama, we know that’s how you are with us. I love you so much.”
And then God started speaking louder.
Days later a broken friendship was restored by the grace of God, and lo and behold she also had begun homeschooling her own 4 children.
Her story was just like all the others I had heard, and she sweetly spent hours talking to me on the phone answering all my questions and concerns and fears.
And when I hung up.
I knew.
God was nearly shouting.
Still, I needed open doors.
I like change.
Sometimes.
But mostly?
I prefer the comfort of what’s familiar and what’s working.
And at that moment it felt like a time in my life where comfort seemed easiest….and so it was up to God to show me just where to go from there.
If you read this post, you can see how he did exactly that.
And now here I am.
And in a world I know not much about, other than it really does feel right.
It’s scary.
But it’s right.
It’s a calling….this I am sure.
And when God calls…
I mean shouts and then lovingly shoves you through a door, you have no choice but to obey and go.
And you trust.
Every day I trust.
And that is my journey to here.
I blame (on hard days) and thank (on good days) each and every one of you who helped the Lord speak so clearly into my life…even when you didn’t realize you were.
And would you believe this?
I even decided to start an online support group for homeschoolin’ mamas on facebook, because I needed it.
Turns out, we all need that.
Because in just three weeks, already we are up to 130 members.
130 women who are honest and encouraging and brave and my heros.
And now here I am.
Home.
My foreign home.
And ever so slowly I am learning the language.
God will provide.
He always does.
