Archives for August 2012

love and loss

August 30, 2012

Every year on this day I write about the same thing.

It’s an incredibly bittersweet day that involves two of the most important and influential men in my life.
{if you’re new to me or this blog, the links are to take you back in time to some of our back story.}

~~~~~~~

9 years ago today, I nervously looked into Jimmy’s eyes and promised to be by his side, for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live.

I knew it was a big promise, as the year we dated had already involved a lot of worse, but I knew that there was nobody else I’d rather have by my side throughout those tough times.

In 9 years of marriage, we have had many many moments of love, joy and incredible happiness.
But in those 9 years, we have had many many struggles and hardships.

There were times when I didn’t think I was strong enough to hold on, times I wasn’t even sure why Jimmy continued to especially when I felt so broken and unlovable.

But because of him…
…because his unconditional love towards me despite all that we had gone through…
has made me love and respect him even more.

I can look into his eyes and know he will never leave me.
I trust that he will always love me.
He will always see the best in me.
And he’ll always encourage me towards better, and remind me that I can be when I can’t see it myself.

He is my world.
My heart.
My everything.

I’ll be honest.
Marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve committed to besides parenting…but the work we have put in is so worth it.
And no matter what I have an incredible best friend by my side until my dying day.

~~~~~~~

On the other side, today is also 10 years since I lost my dad.

10 years ago today, I was sitting on the living room floor with the kids I nannied for, when I got the call from my mom.

“They found your dad dead on the side of the road. Honey, he’s gone.”

I had just spoken with him only a week earlier.

He was fine.

It had to be a mistake.

It wasn’t my dad.

And then my body betrayed my mind, and I crumpled to the floor shaking and crying uncontrollably.

My mind was in denial,

but my body knew it was true.

While those days and months were most definitely traumatic and heartbreaking, I knew that he had loved and served the Lord as best he knew how.

And God had simply given him rest from his pain and called him home.

And the dad who had always loved me so unconditionally throughout my life was finally being unconditionally loved by His Father in Heaven.

~~~~~~~

And it was okay…because a month later, the Lord brought me Jimmy.

The only other man I’d ever met who knew how to love with commitment.

The only other man I knew who loved with no strings attached.

{our wedding day}

Gods ways never make sense at the time.

But 10 years later, I can see it a little more clearly.

And so today I’ll appreciate my husband more.

I’ll remember my dad with fondness.

And I’ll thank the Lord for having blessed me with both in my life.

~~~~~~~

And Happy Anniversary to my sister Heather and her husband Eric who sweetly allowed us to share their wedding date a few years later.
Love you two so much.

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unglued

August 29, 2012

“People bump into your happy, and you become unglued.”

~~~~~~~

It was Friday evening and I was snuggled up beside Jimmy where I always find safety in my difficult moments.

In this moment my heart was burdened and I couldn’t quite figure out why.

While I shared my discontent, he sweetly listened and thoughtfully asked questions trying to find the cause..and yet nothing he offered really seemed to fit.

The truth was, when I was honest with myself, I already knew the problem…

I just didn’t know how to fix it.

Tearfully I finally admitted….

“It’s just that I’m just so far from the woman I know God wants me to be. I desire so badly to be that person, and yet every single day I feel as though I fail so miserably. And I just get so tired from trying and treading water, and yet despite it all, here I still am. Feeling as though I’m letting myself, others, as well as God down each and every day….”

“…And I wonder, why did God make me this way, when I know in my heart He desires me to be so far from where I am???”

And in that statement, I found the ultimate cause of my continual angst.

~~~~~~~

Hours later I found myself at a bookstore at the suggestion of my husband to have some time to myself…and decided to grab a book a friend had mentioned she wanted to read.

Without knowing anything about it, I pulled it from the shelf and snuggled into a chair to see what the hype was all about.

And then I read this….

….there it was.

My heart.

My struggle.

My discontent.

I am sometimes just a little…unglued.

I can be an exploder that later shames themselves.

{i beat myself up…}

I can be a stuffer that builds barriers.

{…but i protect myself from others.}

~~~~~~~

Do you ever feel this way?

You promise yourself, as the guilt and shame overwhelm you at night, that the next day will be different.

You’ll keep your house clean.

You’ll find joy and happiness in unpleasant circumstances.

You’ll be patient and calm.
You’ll be a better wife.
You’ll be a more thoughtful friend.

You’ll set aside time with God and make it meaningful.

You’ll exercise and eat right.

You’ll…..

And tomorrow comes, and it’s not different at all.

Maybe, some days, it’s even worse.

Because in that moment when something or someone bumps into your idea of happy…

You become Unglued.

While I didn’t read more than the first two chapters before putting it back on the shelf (hello amazon!), simply by reading the authors heart, I suddenly didn’t feel so alone in my struggle.
I felt a tinge of hope, in that while I may have a long ways to go, I am truly in Gods capable hands.

we all are.

It’s not in His character to leave us as we are.
We are a constant work in progress, and in and through it all, He is at work.

I certainly don’t have the answers on how to change from to there.
But I know the One who does.
And I will at the very least, cling to Him each day, and allow HIM to do the changing instead.

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the one, the favorite

August 23, 2012

Last week was our last full week before school began and schedules get busy.

And as excited as I am about that, I have to say I loved how we decided to spend our last week.

It definitely needs to become a yearly tradition.

Jimmy took the week off work, and we had not a single plan or activity written in stone.
Our only goal was to be together as a family, enjoying our town and weather, and having some fun quality time.

And you know how sometimes I joke about how my kids always want to be wherever it is that I am?

That week I realized how thankful I should be for that.

Recently, I’ve had little bouts of a teeny tiny pity party about not being someones “one.”
You know, the desiring to someones favorite who is always called first, the one who is thought of in moments you’re not there, the one who is called just because…

And in the midst of that pity party, I was blessed to spend an entire week with family.
My sweet little family…that I often take for granted.

And on that last night as I laid my head on my pillow feeling the warm tears fill my eyes over my silly little insecurities, I felt my husbands arms envelop me.

Suddenly, my mind reflected over the week we had spent together.
And, how in every moment, whatever it may have been…
my kids and my husband wanted me there.

They looked to me for comfort, for laughter, for advice, for approval…
They thought of me often, longed for me, loved on me…

And I realized…I had been looking in the wrong places, at all the wrong relationships.
All this time…
I had already been the “one” to the three most important people in my life.

How amazing is it that a simple staycation could end up being so much more than just enjoying our city and taking time off from work?

When in fact, there was actually an incredible lesson God needed to teach me.

Yes, it’s hard and it hurts when the “new” wears off with friendships, relationships, places and spaces….
and it’s humbling to not be everyones favorite…

But as my pity party ended (thank goodness it did, that violin was not lovely), God rewarded me with the incredible gift of peace in knowing all that doesn’t really matter.

Because to my family, I’m the one.

But, more importantly, I realized that to my God, I am His.

His lessons are quiet but my goodness are they mighty.

….and the warm tears spill over.

{last day of staycation, with friends}

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the purpose of insomnia

August 22, 2012

Another night…I lay awake thinking.

When I was young and my mom would come to check on me before she went to bed, she’d often find me awake.

“Honey, why aren’t you asleep?” She’d ask.
“I just can’t stop thinking…” I’d respond.

Some things don’t change….except it’s now Jimmy doing the asking.

Tonight is one of those nights.

My mind is spinning.
God is talking…or stirring…or something.

I feel Him.

~~~~~~~

I so often write about being purposeful…and yet I fail every day.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

—Galatians 5:22–23

I read this tonight, and instantly feel remorse for my attitude with the kids and Jimmy throughout the day.

I failed in every way.

I pray I have tomorrow…so I can try a little harder to be more like Him.

I say that now…but will I really once the tasks begin and the days gets busy?

~~~~~~~

Tomorrow is Taylor’s first day back at school, and for the first time I’m nervous.

I want to protect his heart and soul, I want to keep him safe and pure….and yet I don’t want to shelter him or hide his light that’s meant to shine.

And so we talk about his purpose at school…

He thinks it’s learning.

I tell him he’s right, but that there is something even more important.

“Being like God?” He asks.

“Loving like God. Being an example of Him. That is your purpose in everything, especially at school.”

And I think he gets it…but will he still when he’s away from me?

I give that to the Lord.

And place my baby in His hands.

I can’t control everything.

Really, I can’t control anything.

~~~~~~~

Like the two women who have rejected me in the classes I help teach at the gym.

Why my mind gives them this time at night, I don’t know.

But here they are taking up the hours I should be asleep.

They’ve never talked to me.

They don’t know me, my stories, my heart, my desires…

They have no idea how much I simply want to bring them laughter and joy, and instead somehow it’s misery and anger I leave them with.

It hurts.

But, I don’t want them to have that power.

I just wish they knew my purpose.

I wish they’d see into my heart.

~~~~~~~

And then as I decide it’s time to stop, to finally give up these thoughts to Him so I can finally rest…

I end up thinking about my blog.

My place to freely express my heart, even in the times of sleepless nights.

And how incredible God is to use even this moment for something.

I have no idea what it would be, but He could if He wanted.

And that is my purpose in continuing to write.

And why I continue to be confused about stats and networking and who is who on the up and up…

Because when my walls and barriers are down, and the night has me vulnerable,

I think only of the incredible people God has brought to and through my life because of our open hearts.

I am grateful for all the experiences and blessings I continually have because of Him.

Because of you.

Because of a silly little blog.

Because of sleepless nights that have a purpose.

~~~~~~~

I think too much, I know.

God chooses the night because he knows it’s when He can show up and be heard.

It’s always been this way….

~~~~~~~

And I’ll take my date times with God any way they show up.

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a visit to the dark side…

August 17, 2012

For quite some time I’ve been talking about and flirting with the idea of going dark with my hair.
And recently when the topic of needing to be on a BUDGET came up (over and over again), I decided that maybe it was time to get more serious with my decision.

And by serious, I mean I headed for a wig store.

Of course, only after texting my closest friends as well as my colorist, Nikki, about 1000 times asking them what they thought I should do.

{i’m thinking Nikki would RATHER i start doing my own hair at this point}

What began as “I’ll just run in and try one on really quick” became about an hour long process with lots of pictures and my mind more confused than ever.

{jimmy’s pick. i can hear the whispers at chloes private preschool. i dance. but not this kind.}

{almost black}

{dark brown with highlights}

{solid dark brown}

{feelin’ a bit like zooey}

{blonde vs. dark}

{my options. clearly i’m obsessed.}

Finally, Jimmy suggested I simply BUY the wig and wear it around the house to help me decide so we could PLEASE JUST LEAVE THE STORE.

Actually, I think he muttered, “Just buy it, let’s go…” and then headed out to the car with the kids.

Now, I’m not one to be given permission to buy something (especially when on a budget) and turn it down, so I quickly slapped down my plastic and bought that costume wig and proudly wore it all the way home.

{my kids kept telling me to take it off. jimmy seemed happy…to be out of the store.}

And, I continued to wear it (and try it on with different tops) all night until it was time to get ready for bed.
Also, I texted and Instagrammed pictures all the night long.
{all in addition to coming up with a brilliant party idea consisting of wigs & champagne}

I am very thorough when making decisions….

And you guys, as I stated on my Facebook page, changing my hair drastically is a much bigger decision then anything ever, including whether or not to have another baby.

Okay maybe not, because that decision is easy.
No.
Way.
Never.
Again.

Anyway, after a day of practice….I think I’m actually leaning towards the dark side.

I’ve been blonde for SO long, and I’m antsy for a change.

Plus, it’s budget friendly.

{although if i hated it, I would be all “budget what?”}

Life is short, it’s just hair, and I can always go back to blonde another day.
Sometimes in life, it’s about being free and simply throwing caution to the wind…
If you call buying a wig and obsessing all day throwing caution to the wind….

I guess time (days) will tell just how wild and crazy I am.

I have issues.
No need to tell me.

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don’t put off till tomorrow what can be done today

August 16, 2012

Recently I was blessed to have some quality time with my sweet friends Candace and Emmy, and over lunch we started talking about the trying times of raising christian kids in a secular world.

Days go by and we think there’s no rush to teach it all, because we have lots of time.
We don’t discuss the important things now because there are games to watch, practices to attend, and appointments to make…and we think it’s okay, because we have tomorrow.

And then suddenly, tomorrow they are 14.
And they have opinions and attitudes.

Time just passes so quickly.
And if we’re not aware, we can feel as though we have failed.

When Candace wrote this amazingly honest article on Ruth’s blog, I was incredibly proud of her for being so open and honest and vulnerable.

But I was also a bit convicted.

Being a parent is the scariest thing I have ever done in my life.
Sometimes I wake up in complete panic and fear over the task of being responsible for teaching and shaping these sweet innocent lives.

The burden is heavy.
But it’s incredible as well and I know that God has trusted me with this gift of raising them.

And the truth is…I also haven’t been intentional enough.

I want to be.
I mean to be.
But I’m so easily distracted…and busy…and there’s tomorrow so…

But I know it needs to be daily.
They need to see me living it not simply teaching it sometimes.

It needs to be our life, and not just part of our life sometimes.

We need to teach them to learn to read and study and cultivate their OWN relationships with the Lord instead of relying on the faith of their parents.
We need to allow time for questions and exploration and discussions for all their concerns and why’s…and make them feel safe to experience those feelings.

We all have good intentions…
But tomorrow comes quickly, so let’s make the most of today.

What about you?

What are you doing that’s intentional with your kids each and every day?

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why do you do what you do?

August 10, 2012

{an entirely thrifted outfit.}

One of the consistent thoughts I had while at BlogHer was …
“Why?”

Why am I blogging?

What are my intentions?

What is the legacy I want to leave behind with my words, videos and career?

How do I want to be remembered?

It’s easy to go to conferences and get caught up.
It’s all amazing and helpful information, but if you aren’t clear on your purpose, I could see how easy it would be to get pulled in a direction you perhaps never intended on going.

Do you want to be famous?

Do you want to be recognized?

Do you want to be rich? (ahem…reality check, we’re blogging. remember that.)

Do you want free stuff?

Do you want to represent brands you love and respect?

Do you want to help spread the word about issues and products?

Do you want to share your stories and life lessons?

Or feature ones others have learned?

Do you want to inspire others?

Or challenge yourselves?

Are you writing to practice your craft?

Or is it to find a world and a community outside the 4 walls of the house you tend to be in every day?

Do you want to teach?

Or reach?

Is it to make people laugh and feel happy on dark days?

Is it to get noticed for your fashion taste?

Or your gift for finding a deal?

Is it to make people feel less alone in life?

Or to feel less alone yourself?

Do you want to live by numbers?

Or by the amount of changed lives?

I thought about all of this as I remembered what my Mama Gayle (my “adopted mom” and mentor) shared with me just weeks before I left.

“If you’re standing on a table and someone else is on the ground, which is easier? For them to pull you down, or for you to lift them up?”

It’s something I’ll never forget.

And so, I’ve been deep in thought over where I want to go with my blog, my writing, my videos, and my dancing.

What are my intentions?

What is the legacy I want to leave behind with the gifts I believe God has blessed me with?

I have an idea, which is why I wrote my blog thesis…(a must read)

I know I want to provide a “me too” place to be. (the other half)

That much is clear.

I want to be real and vulnerable and true to who I am inside and out, in person and online.
I want to make people laugh.
I want to make people think.
I want to inspire and be inspired.
I want to have fun and build a safe community.
I want to dance every day and show others that exercise is fun and healing.
And if I could just get everyone I come across to give thrift stores a chance, then really I’ve already done so much.

But where to go from here?

Do I want a book deal?

A web or tv series?

A column or many articles that have my name attached?

Experience?

Or a career where I’m making a living doing what I love?

Would I still do it if money wasn’t an option?

What if anonymity was the must?

Some of it, all of it, or am I content to stay right here for the rest of my life?

It’s what I’m asking of myself, and so I wonder….

Have you ever considered why you do what you do?

Blogging or otherwise?
And are your goals in line with your morals and values?

I just want to encourage you to take the time to pray, to ponder and to search….for the purpose that is meant for you.

Don’t look around at what everyone else is doing and how they are doing it. At least not until you are solid on where you need to be.

Don’t attempt to become what others say you should.

Remember the saying…

“If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”

In everything you do, there is a purpose.

In everything you choose to be a part of, there is potential for an incredible legacy to leave behind.

What will your legacy be?

How will you be remembered when you’re gone?

Will you be proud of what you did.

More importantly, will He?

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the unexpected lessons of blogher12

August 7, 2012

{deep thoughts on the stoop. carrie bradshaw style}

I have many deep thoughts on BlogHer 2012 in NYC.

But I’m much too tired to express them at the moment.

{I don’t do travel with time change very well apparently. Can I blame perimenopause for that too?}

So for today, I’m going to allow my pictures to tell most of the story.

First of all, the city is beautiful and amazing and intimidating and busy.
There is so much to see, so much to get distracted by, so many ways to get lost.
{there’s an app for that. thank goodness.}

Thankfully, this was the last picture I took in my final moments in the city.
A bit of serene and nature in the midst of chaos….

I learned I love to visit big cities, but I am most definitely small town girl.

~~~~~~~

And then there was my roommate, Mama Kat.

{did you know Mama Kat irons???}

Because of her, I never felt the need to attend sessions, since everything I could have possibly wanted to learn, I learned from her.

I learned who was who (I’m apparently quite clueless in the blogging world), what was what (tweetdeck and subscribing to blogs has changed my life! get on it now!),
and how to perfect the most awesome awkward moments in life.

{sometimes, it’s not all about me. a lesson i learned over and over again at blogher.}
{pictured with Mama Kat & the Bearded Iris who also enjoy awkward moments}

I’m so thankful I got to spend some quality time with my first ever blogging friend, and that she was willing to let me tag along to all her VIP events and fluff her dress and hair when it was needed.
{it wasn’t. she’s as perfect in person as she is online. i mean, just look at the company she keeps.}

I also learned that between her and I, pretty sure there’s web series/tv show potential in there.

{with ScaryMommy}

And you can’t miss our unbelievable dancing skills in the video below….

{via the beautiful Diane}

{an impromptu video for our friend Karin who had to miss BlogHer for a Singapore Math Conference}

~~~~~~~

Besides all the learning and hilariously awkward moments, my favorite moments definitely included meeting and spending time with some incredibly sweet and authentic people.

For all the snobby types who won’t give you the time of day, the ones I had the chance to really get to know made all the times I felt invisible absolutely worth it.

{Jen & Rachel}

{Jessica, Loukia}

{ran into one of my fave city girls, Allie}

{Tonia & Danielle}

{Alice Bradley, who I think was quite excited to meet me. Again. Or maybe it was the other way around?}

Not pictured but included:
Amanda from Parenting by Dummies, Roo from Nice Girl Notes, Izabel from AlphaMom, IamBossy, Alex from Alexandrawrote, every single one of TheBlogFrog girls, Amy Windsor, Ooph, Randy from CafeMomStudios, Vodka Mom, Nap Warden, Carabee from Land of Bean
{and many more… i just can’t link anymore if I ever want to get this posted.}

~~~~~~~

{slightly sad to leave, slightly car sick from crazy shuttle drivers.}

The time change was tough.

I didn’t make it to a single session.

My lack of experience in heels long term made dancing a little tough.

And nobody seemed to know who I was… “Oh! You’re on the Mommalogues too???”

But the friendships I made and grew were worth it.

The swag (Alpha Mom wins hands down) was amazing.

And I most certainly walked away with lessons in blogging I never expected, and a contentedness with where God has my blog for now.

~~~~~~~

What I wore out: BlogHer edition coming next!

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