It creates fear when there is no obvious reason to be afraid.
It’s like hearing a scary noise that nobody else can hear but you.
And it makes your heart beat a little faster, and your palms get a little sweaty….
and if you’re me….
it makes you have to poop.
but then again, what doesn’t make me have to poop???
{among the list: spending too much money, flying, stress, the morning, caffeine, sugar….in case you wondered}
Another thing about MY kind of anxiety….is that when it happens, I tend to go immediately to my worst case scenario.
Which is…..
Are you ready for this???
And crazy.
And of course, it’s all because “I once had anxiety…”
and I am convinced that’s how homelessness and crazy begins.
With anxiety.
And then not only would I be lost in a state of anxiety, but where would I poop???
And because I have this fear….I kind of have a hard time refraining from asking any crazed homeless person I come across if it all started with anxiety for them.
Cause you know, I come across them often.
Which I don’t.
Because I’m prone to anxiety.
Once, us youth group leaders were asked to take our individual group of girls out on a service night. You know, to serve other people.
And one of my best friends and I decided to team up our girls and make a plan.
Somewhere in the planning, feeding the homeless came up.
Perhaps by me?
{it’s just that my heart aches for those poor people, for which i mostly relate to because I TOO have anxiety. you know, where it all began for them. i get them.}
But as soon as it was suggested, I immediately suggested something else.
“It’s just that…..I can’t really be around the homeless right now. I can’t even go downtown to visit Jimmy at work anymore…” I tried to explain.
“And why is this?” she cautiously asked.
And then I decided it was time someone OTHER than Jimmy hear my constant irrational thoughts and fears.
She was about to go from being just a friend, to now becoming one of my “inner circle.”
{where you are all about to be as well….because i’m about to go full disclosure here.}
“Because I am convinced they are all there because they once had anxiety and it drove them to insanity and now they are on the streets. Homeless. And crazy. And talking to themselves. With the need to poop and nowhere to go but their pants. And I know when I see them, I will be forced to ask them to tell me the truth, and they will….they will tell me about the day the anxiety switched to crazy. And there just isn’t enough medicine in the world for me to handle that kind of truth.”
There.
It was finally out there.
And then….she laughed.
Which made me laugh….
Because when people laugh at me, I’ve learned to laugh along.
It’s less awkward that way.
“Summer.” She began.
“THAT will never happen. First of all they did NOT start out with anxiety. And if they did, it probably then lead them to drugs and alcohol before the REAL crazy kicked in. And also? They probably didn’t have a support system in place to get them help, and YOU DO.”
“But, what if Jimmy can’t handle me anymore and he leaves me, and then I really lose it?” I retorted. Because you see, my anxiety already has this all worked out.
She continued….
“IF that were to happen, you can always come and live with me. I promise, you will always be cared for. You WILL NOT end up on the streets homeless and crazy.”
And while Jimmy has told me that over and over again, hearing it from her suddenly caused my heart to soften.
I still wasn’t convinced that anxiety wouldn’t lead to crazy, but I was starting to feel a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I’d at least be a crazy with a place to live.
“Okay.” I responded slowly.
“It’s a deal. But to make it up to you, I will allow you to bring me out at parties as your entertainment. Teach me to do things or tricks that make them laugh, and then somehow I’ll feel like I’m making it up to you.”
“Deal.” She said.
And that night?
I slept a little better.
And the next day?
I felt a little lighter!
Then a few months later when I finally decided to tell my counselor about this anxiety homeless fear….she began with the same comforting words….
“But you have a support system in place, that will never happen.”
And I was actually able to respond WITH CONFIDENCE,
“Oh yes, I know. My friend Leah has already promised me a room in her house.”
And that you guys, is why we need to be honest with each other about our thoughts and fears….
because when the comfort of our husbands words aren’t quite enough,
the promise of crazy care from a friend sometimes is.
Sometimes a girlfriend gets you in a way nobody else can.
And this way, on the chance anxiety one day DOES lead to crazy….
You can be rest assured, you will always have a place to call home.
And more importantly, you’ll always have a place to poop.
© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
