Archives for December 2008

the hope of a new year

December 31, 2008

Last year I thought New Years Resolutions were cheesy. Oh ya, I got on that bandwagon. But, I’ve since jumped off. In fact, this year I feel as though there is something really magical about the New Year. It’s this feeling of hope that things can and will be different. It’s a fresh start. A blank slate. And it’s bringing about a little bit of excitement. I actually think I like the idea of resolutions.

Now I know reading my own resolutions may not be all that interesting to you, but since this is my blog, and I tend to go back and read what I’ve written….I’m writing it all out in hopes that I will actually follow through.

Here’s (in no random order) what I hope to accomplish in 2009:

1. Feed my children some semblance of healthy semi cooked food for dinner.

2. Read my bible every single day, either before bed or first thing in the morning….or for extra credit, both! 3. Duh, lose and keep 10 pounds off. 4. Not obsess about my body. Instead focus on being healthy rather than being thin. (Thanks Maegan) 5. Have one night out alone each month with my husband. 6. Read one book a month. 7. Teach Taylor to read. 8. Learn and use the techniques to beat anxiety.

Okay, now I’m off for a little outpatient surgery! Anesthesia + pain meds = Fun times. I’m telling you, I know how to bring in the New Year!

Happy New Year!

P.S. I am feeling MUCH better. Whew. Although awful, it was short lived. Thank you again for all your love, encouragement and prayers!

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anxiety hangover, hanging in there

December 30, 2008

I am so glad I took the chance by posting and being vulnerable yesterday. The encouragement was exactly what I needed. Knowing I’m not alone, and that there are others doing just fine, gives me hope. I cried with each comment that was posted and with each email that was sent. It meant so much to me. It really did.

It also helped that Libby came over in the morning and just sat next to me on the couch and while I cried, she cried with me. Her friendship is more valuable than I can explain. I couldn’t have made it through yesterday without her.

By the end of the day yesterday I felt much better. This morning, not so much. (I promise, this won’t become a blog of whoa is me.) This afternoon, much better. I have hope.

I realize this has come about for probably several reasons. I have possibly two surgeries coming up in the next couple of months, and although I’m not worried about it, my body may be trying to tell me to slow down. I’m going to listen.

I also think that there are things in my life that need changing. I made a list last night, and did my best to start making those changes right away. Some things are immediate, some things will take time.

I am stronger than this. I can do all things through He who gives me strength.

When I went through all this a year and a half ago, I listened to this song over and over again. The lyrics were just what I needed.

I’m writing them here since I think there may be others who need to hear it as well.

“Beauty From Pain”

The lights go out all around me One last candle to keep out the night And then the darkness surrounds me I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made I try to keep warm but i just grow colder I feel like i’m slipping away After all this has passed, i still will remain After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain Though it won’t be today, Someday i’ll hope again And there’ll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain My whole world is the pain inside me The best i can do is just get through the day When life before is only a memory I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place And though i can’t understand why this happened I know that i will when i look back someday And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes And made me as gold purified through these flames After all this has passed, i still will remain After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain Though it won’t be today, Someday i’ll hope again And there’ll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain Here i am, at the end of me Tryin to hold to what i can’t see I forgot how to hope This night’s been so long I cling to Your promise There will be a dawn After all this has passed, i still will remain After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain Though it won’t be today, Someday i’ll hope again And there’ll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain

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anxiety – ick.

December 29, 2008

I’ve never been completely open about this. I’m much too fragile and afraid of being judged or looked down on. But, I started this blog not just to begin writing again, but to be real. To share my own struggles and joys in hopes that I can myself grow and learn, but also in hopes to help someone else do the same.

I’ve mentioned my anxiety. But, the thing about my anxiety is that it doesn’t seem to come from worrying. I can be going along in my life, even if things are stressful, and think I am doing just fine. The fall always comes before, “Hey, I think I’m doing really well! Look at all that’s going on, and I’m not even worried or stressed!” Boom. It hits.

Last year, December 27th to be exact, was the last day that I remember experiencing anxiety. I’ve had moments here and there since, but nothing that lasted too long or was too big of a deal.

Then December 28th came this year. I was feeling totally fine all day long, and then around 7pm, I got this oh so familiar and uncomfortable feeling that can only be called anxiety. It’s awful. Seriously the worst feeling in the world. It’s this feeling of unsettledness and dread combined. My mouth goes dry, my tummy gets upset, and there isn’t a thing in the world that I could even attempt to eat. (I love to eat. So, this is when you know it’s serious!!!) I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and wait for it to go away. I did do that a little. Only, I crawled into bed and got out my bible. It had a bit of dust I had to wipe off first.

It’s a little better today. But, not entirely. I’m bummed. I had hoped this was a thing of my 20’s. I guess maybe God has other plans. I’ve been slacking in my bible reading, in my prayer life….in many areas actually. Could this be His way of getting me back on track?

My friend Aurora knew my struggles and emailed me this verse:

Philippians 4:6

Don’t worry about anything; Instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

I plan on doing a lot of praying and reading today. I cannot stay in this place. I have two kids and a husband who depend on me. I just know I didn’t put myself here, and I can’t bring myself out. God rescued me before, and I have to believe he will again.

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on the twelth (and final!) day of thank you’s: december

December 29, 2008

Marisa: I met Marisa almost ten years ago when I first moved to California. I didn’t know anybody when I moved here, and I had just moved in with a girl who I was working with at the time. Marisa and her best friend, Behnaz, lived next door and immediately I knew I’d found a good friend. We have been through everything through the years. Lots of girls night outs, bad double dates, relaxing nights in, breakups, marriage, babies, losing parents, career changes, and so on. She is a constant in my life no matter what, and she is really one of the sweetest girls I know. Though we each love our life, we often wish we could switch places for a day. Her and her boyfriend (soon to be husband!) own a business together, and they are thoroughly enjoying the single life. They go on the best vacations and even more, they get to do fun things on the weekend. Oh, and they sleep in. So lucky. But for some odd reason, she wishes she was married with kids. Silly girl. Oh just wait till she crosses over to the other side! Anyway, she’s become like family, is an auntie to my kids, and best friend to me. She’s one of my shy friends, but I can always find a way, or a drink, to get her going! How I love that girl.

Behnaz: (second one in from the left) Behnaz is Marisa’s best friend. Though we met when we were neighbors, we really didn’t become close until after we had our firstborns, born two weeks apart, eight years later. I was talking, okay sobbing, to Marisa about how hard life was with a baby. After patiently listening though several phone calls, she put me in touch with Behnaz who was going through the same thing. Behnaz called me instantly, and we spent hours on the phone taking turns sharing our terror stories. It was like I found my parenting soul mate. We quickly set up a time to get our screamers together so we could keep each other sane, and our bond has been secured ever since. I remember that first day she came over, we put our fussy babies in the strollers and we just walked the block. It was the only way we could keep them quiet so we could actually have a conversation. Now it’s almost 4 years later, and we’ve both completed our families with the second baby. Because her first was a girl and mine was a boy, and her second was a boy and mine was a girl….it worked out perfectly to just swap clothes. We had a day that we got together that I brought suitcases of baby clothes and we just switched it all out. So fun. And thank the Lord, both our second babies are much easier so we get to continue to bond over that as well. Our friendship is easy, fun, and more than anything we are therapy for each other. I couldn’t parent without her!

Libby: Oh Libby. My dear sweet sweet Libby. Although, she is another weirdo that didn’t much care for me when we first met, I worked hard and won my way into her heart. And thank goodness I did, because she is the closest thing I have to a sister here in Cali…(well, until Brittany moved here.) We have really been through it all. In fact, we were even roommates for a few years, and that was when we were really like sisters. We laughed, we loved, we fought, we cried, we fought…we argued over boyfriends and couches, we stopped talking, we went back to talking, we’ve been up down and all around. We endured many bad dates and boyfriends, but eventually we both found our husbands, and we were even in each others weddings. Libby is seriously the most selfless person I have ever met. She is always sacrificing for the people she loves, and it’s incredible to see. I never feel I can give back enough. We are polar opposites in that she is shy and prefers to be in the background, she’s not a fan of getting attention (she probably just loves that I’m writing about her AND I posted her picture!!!), and she hates big groups…but I think that’s why we work so well together. We balance each other out. I get her out of her shell, and she brings me back down to the ground. Our husbands are good friends all on their own, and her daughter, Izabel, is Taylors best friend as well, so we all try to get together once a week. The kids babysit each other while Libby and I get cozy on the couch and catch up on life and reality tv. She is the girl I call when things are good, when things are bad, when things are boring, when I’m sick, basically she gets called every day. Although, I think she wishes she wasn’t. We now have a code that if I call three times in a row, she has to pick up, because my emotions need a dose of Libby. How she puts up with the high demands I bring, I will never know.

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on the eleventh day of thank you’s: november

December 28, 2008

SITS: How can I go the year without being thankful for S.I.T.S.? My blog wouldn’t be read at all by anybody if it weren’t for them. I am so grateful for their website, their group of awesome bloggers, and their recognition of amazing writers. 😉 I have learned so much, and grown so much in my writing because of them.

Rachel: I also have her to thank for my blog as well. One of my favorite neighbors (until she moved a week ago!!!) and friends, she introduced me to her blog over a year ago. I was so inspired by her family blog, and her carefree style of writing, that I decided to get back into my own groove of writing as well. So I copied her and started my family blog and then days later, this one as well. I just couldn’t get enough. Rachel is so much fun, very real, and super sweet. I can’t wait to be friends with her for years and years to come. Well, especially because I have big plans for her Noah to marry my Chloe. =) Oh, and I think we should write a book together. So, ya, she’s not going anywhere either. ha ha!

Brittany: Brittany is my little sister, and the “free spirit” of the family. She’s a nomad, always going from here to there. After a stay at college, she decided to try the mission field, and traveled anywhere from Hawaii, to Thailand, all the way to Africa for a few years. In between the travels, she had the awesome experience of living with Jimmy and I as newlyweds. Poor girl. We must have been so sickingly intoxicating to live with that she headed quickly out to Africa for a couple of years. But it couldn’t have been so bad, because she moved back in with us again when she got back until she got on her feet and settled here in Cali. She’s like me in that she couldn’t bear to move back to the cold and rain Washington had to offer. It’s been tough to be super close with her always going from here to there, but I love her just the same. She is really thoughtful and like Malia, she is really good at remembering important dates and sending the sweetest cards. When Chloe was born, she baked brownies and brought them to the hospital, and then even offered to make the birth announcements for me. (They were the most adorable announcements ever.) On Thanksgiving, her and her husband came over and made us dinner (well she did, not her husband…), and her putting forth that effort really made it feel like a family holiday. She just got married in July, so she’s all busy being sickingly intoxicated in love, but I’m excited for the honeymoon to end so that we can see her more often! Okay, that sounded bad. I wish them to always feel honeymoon-ish, but…well, you know what I mean. We just want our Aunt Brittany around!

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on the tenth day of thank you’s: october

December 27, 2008

My mom & Allen: My mom and her husband Allen usually live up in Washington, but he got a job for a few months down here in California, so I got to experience what it’s like to have family in town for awhile. It was really special to see them develop a relationship with Taylor over the time they were here. And when it came time for me to have Chloe, my mom moved in for a few days to take care of Tay and the needy dog, Bradley, while we were at the hospital. Lucky woman got to experience what it’s like to not even be able to go to the bathroom by herself. 😉 Anyway, we would never have been able to relax and enjoy the birth experience without her, and I am so grateful she was able to be a part of Chloe’s birth.

Small Group: I wish I had a picture of my whole small group, but I can’t find one where we are all together. But they really are some of the most important people in our lives. In fact they are more than a bible study, the whole gang is one big extended HAPPY family. We have all been through so many ups and downs over the last couple of years collectively and individually, and no matter what is happening, we stick together. When we had Chloe, they were so amazing in coming to the hospital, coming to our house, bringing dinners for weeks….and on and on. My family is ever so grateful that we have each and every person in this group in our lives. Jill & Greg, Bob & Dorothy, Gary & Sue, Jamie & DeWayne, Kristen & Joseph, Dennis & Angie, and last but not least, Kevin & Breanne….we love you guys.

Neighborhood: I don’t know how we got so lucky as to find ourselves in a neighborhood with so many fun young families. There must be over ten families within a few mile radius in which we all have kids right around the same ages, and we all get along and hang out (as far as my naive mind knows!). It’s so much fun! We’ve had Bunco groups, walking groups (some call it the gackle…I can’t bear to claim that title though.), and we all even joined the same gym. Any excuse to have a party: birthdays, Halloween, Oktoberfest, Hannakuah, Christmas, New Years and so on, we will do our best to get together. And anytime somebody is sick, has surgery or a baby, there is a neighborhood evite that goes out so that the family in need is taken care of with dinners as long as is needed. Our kids all get along, the parents all get along, and life is happy happy happy. 😉 It’s very Stepford-ish actually. Ha! Kidding. Actually, if you go to the park on any given day, you will see at least one of us in tears as our child is shrieking on the other end of the playground. Really, we’re just one big old support group. P.O.T. is what we call it. Parents of Toddlers. We have wine at every function, did I mention that? Very Important. The wine, the support group, the friendships…it what keeps our neighborhood sane.

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on the ninth day of thank you’s: september

December 26, 2008

Megan: (She’s the blonde in the upper right corner with the college sweatshirt on.) Megan was my first experience of having a neighbor as a friend. On her first day moving in, I was calling up to her window to invite her over for a bar b q, and we’ve been close friends ever since. Her and her husband Ron would come over one night a week while we would watch a movie and pig out on junk food. Sadly they moved to Oregon last summer, but I’m still holding out hopes they will come back again one day! I loved hanging out with her because she made me laugh like nobody could. She would just come out with the funniest things that totally catch you off guard, and it’s hi-lar-ious! Did I mention she’s an ER doctor? Another reason I love her. I’m fascinated by ER stories, and she’s got plenty!!!

Liz: Liz was supposed to be my sister-in-law, (she dated my husbands brother), but life had other plans. Better plans. 😉 Thankfully we are still close and of course she trumps the brother-in-law any day! ha ha. This girl is a faithful friend no matter what. We don’t have the same group of friends, and we hardly get a chance to see each other or talk, but she is there for everything that matters. She has been there for all the important events, my wedding shower, my wedding, both of my kids births (after, not during!!!), all birthdays (both mine and Jimmy’s), and most importantly….girls night out. I can always count on her to get down and go dancing with me whenever I need a night out! I have so much fun when we hang out that I always wonder why it doesn’t happen more often. Did I mention she’s one of my only friends who checks my blog nearly every day??? Now that’s a true friend.

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on the eighth day of thank you’s: august

December 25, 2008

Jimmy: I have to bring up Jimmy again, because this is our anniversary month. August 30, 2008 we celebrated 5 years. I highlighted how we made it work here. He is seriously the best husband I could ever ask for, and I’m not the easiest girl to be married to. I have a bit of spunk as Jimmy likes to label it. Where some guys might not like that so much, it’s actually one of the reasons he loves me. He’s loving, forgiving, generous…he’s an amazing dancer…and more importantly he loves me for me. He knows me. The real me. And he loves every part, good and bad. Of everybody I have thanked so far, and will thank in the next few posts, nobody has ever affected me the way he has. He is truly my soul mate and I adore him beyond words.

Aurora: Aurora totally rocks. This girl is incredible. First of all she’s young, and she has 4 kids. She’s an Angelina Jolie type…in that she’s beautiful of course, AND she wants a soccer team of kids. She may be done birthing them, but now she’s planning out every country to adopt them from. In addition to all that she has to do at home, she’s also an amazing friend to all of San Diego….and the girl just moved here a year and a half ago! I’m giving her August because she (and Libby) put together the most amazing Baby Shower ever! She went into serious planning mode, and made it the most special day I could have ever ever asked for. Although our lives get busy and we only get to hang out every once in awhile, she is still one of my closest friends. She’s funny, insightful, fashionable, generous, encouraging….and on and on and on.

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on the seventh day of thank you’s: july

December 24, 2008

July was awesome because my little sister got married, which brought in all of our family for a visit. For the first time in years, all four of us sisters were together.

Heather: Heather, the oldest, is the sister I wrote about before that came to visit right after Chloe was born. I think if there is anyone out there that I feel is most like me, it’s her. It’s funny because she’s in Washington, and I’m in California, but when we get together we find out that we have a lot of the same things.

For example, we both keep a book with torn out pages of magazines that inspire us as far as decorating the home. In our books we have a lot of the same pictures without ever having discussed them. We also have the same taste in clothes, makeup, nail polish, tv shows. You know the important stuff. I always have so much fun when I hang out with her. I’m so lucky to be able to have sisters who I connect with the way I do with mine. As I’ve said before, having sisters like Heather, it’s like having your heart outside of your body. She really is a best friend that will never go away. There are only a few people who can get me, all my ups and downs, the way she can. I admire her (and her husband, Eric) so much so that we got married on their anniversary. We only hope we can be as cute as they are!

Malia: Malia and I are the closest in age, with only three years between us. She’s always been very “grown up” though. Whenever we would play house, she was the mom, whenever we weren’t playing house, she was still the mom, and in fact when she moved out on her own as a Junior in High School, she’s been the mom of herself ever since. She’s one of wisest people I know, and one of the most caring. She is amazing with thank you notes, and whenever things are tough, she sends a sweet encouraging card. I’ll always remember back in High School, after a bad experience of being raped by someone I went to school with, she allowed me to stay with her and her roommate as long as I needed to. I was scared to go back to school, so she would stop by there for me to pick up my homework and then bring it back in for me when I was done. She took such good care of me, and more importantly, she was one of the first people to believe me when I told her what had happened. I will never forget that. She really is one of the most hospitable people I know as well. When we come to visit she has our bed all set up, with water bottles on the night stand, and one time she even had chocolate on our pillows! She has such a comforting presence to her so you always feel at home when she’s around. When I was younger, it was hard to be in the shadow of such “perfection.” I mean, she was voted “Most Beautiful” when she was a Senior and I was a Sophmore in the same school. But, now that we are older, I am thankful that I have her example. She’s such an inspiration of strength and love.

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the war on toddler sleep

December 24, 2008

Okay.

I think I’m ready to talk about it now. But only now, because I’ve had a few good nights of sleep and my sense of humor has returned.

So, here’s the deal, because I know you have all been on the edge of your seats, just dying for an update….

I wrote all about it here:

Winning the War on Toddler Sleep

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