Archives for November 2008

three things: entitlement

November 30, 2008

Today Pastor Mike talked about entitlement.

The three things that stood out most were:

1. Phillipians 2:14-16 Do everything without complaining or arguing… (or whining, I added!)

2.) Why do I whine, or complain, when things go wrong or I experience hardship in life? Is it because I feel like I don’t deserve what I’m going through? But in all actuality, we all go through tough times. What makes me so above all of that? When I complain, I am hurting the heart of God.

3.) Two quotes:

“Grace is so often found in the thunder of my tears crashing upon the pavement of my life”“God can hardly use a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply.” A.W. Tozer

My thoughts:

This message really struck a chord in me, because it’s been just about a year since overcoming a really tough time in my life. I wrote a little about it here, but didn’t really expound upon just how hard it was for me.

For the first time in my life, I experienced anxiety like I had never known it before. It was debilitating. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat and I was losing weight rapidly. I couldn’t even cry. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone, because I was so embarrassed at what I was dealing with. I wasn’t myself at all. The anxiety took away every single part of me that I liked. And I hated that.

Every second, minute, and hour was a struggle. I would go to bed early in hopes that when I would wake up, I would be completely normal again.

It was honestly the hardest time of my life. But, now a year later, I can actually look back on it and feel safe. I feel secure. I know it could happen again, but when I read all that I wrote in my journal during that time, I see that I made it through and I am stronger and wiser for having experienced it.

I went back in my emails tonight to read some of what I had shared with a woman who was mentoring me through it at the time. This is the first I’ve been able to read through those emails without feeling anything negative. Before, just thinking about reading them would have made me feel uneasy and scared.

As I was reading, I was completely stunned when I saw that I had written her the following right in the middle of the hardest part:

I was awake all night long unable to sleep, and I just read my bible and prayed the entire time. Even though this is absolutely the hardest time in my life, I have had the sweetest moments with the Lord. More than I ever have had in my life. I’m frustrated, angry, sad, and tired….but I still know God is with me. My faith has not been shaken.

I don’t know why, but somehow, I made it through those awful months never asking “why me?” I think I was too afraid to complain, more than it was me trying to do the right thing. All I knew is I wanted it to be over, and I wanted to learn the lesson He had for me so life could continue.

It was a long road, but I slowly made my way out. I’m not sure why He had me experience all that I did, but I don’t for one minute wish I hadn’t been there. I learned a lot. I was humbled. I was broken and brought to a place of nothingness, and I clung to God every single minute of the battle.

All that to say, this message was just a reminder to me. To never forget what I went through. To never let go of the lessons I learned. To never think I am better than anyone else in that I should not have to endure emotional or physical pain.

But, to remember that He gives enough for today to get us through till tomorrow. And He promises…

There will be Beauty from the Pain.

Wa la. My lengthy three things.

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jimmys dancing

November 27, 2008

I’m thankful for things that make me laugh. Because it just feels good.

And now, my husbands version:

Ahhh, so much to be thankful for.

And what’s really funny…We were watching So You Think You Can Dance a few months ago, and he turned to me and said…very seriously, I might add…

“You see? This is why I could never be on this show. I would have to dance all sexy with another girl.”

And I said, equally as serious:

“Um, ya honey. You’re totally right. That is the only reason you couldn’t be on this show.”

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you laugh.

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whew!

November 27, 2008

Yesterday was waaaay better than I even expected. My hope was to be able to get back to each and every person that stopped by and left a comment or took the time to send an email. That’s still my goal, but now it’s looking like it may take me awhile to achieve that!

But thank you so much for taking the time to check out my writing and for spending the time to get to know me and my thoughts.

I leave you with this… (minus Chloe, she was sleeping…) And no, his head is not normally that round. It’s the i photo booth on my mac. It provides hours of entertainment.

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saucy summer

November 25, 2008

All my blogging life I’ve waited for this day!

I’ve been featured on The Secret is in the Sauce, a website that highlights women bloggers. Sits has allowed me to find some super funny, incredibly inspirational, and amazingly stylish bloggers that I have come to love and read every day. I’ve learned a lot from them and the community they’ve built, and that has gone directly into my life and has especially affected my writing.

So, who am I?

Well, now that I’m growing up and in less than one week going to be 30, I can finally say I’m starting to just figure that out myself.

To start, you can read this and this…

Want more?

Okay, I like to cry, but I love to laugh. I’m super feisty most of the time, and sensitive all of the time. I don’t hold back too often, but it’s never at the expense of another person. I love being lazy, but I can’t stand not having something to do. Sometimes I share more than you’d want to know, but at least what you see is what you get.

I talk about poop and I don’t get grossed out. I burp and I feel proud.

I can get super serious and deep, then flip the switch and be silly and shallow. (But not in a bi-polar type of way!)

I love shopping. Sometimes it’s for the house when I’m in redecorating mode, other times it’s for clothes, or shoes, or jewelry, or purses…or all of the above all at once. When I’m feeling fat, I then really focus on shopping for my kids. If I can’t look cute, at least they do! This week I’m spend happy on makeup and skin care. Just got the the new LOREAL Double Extend Mascara. (It’s awesome!) And trying out Roc Retinol Deep Wrinkle Night Cream, since I am seeing some serious lines starting to form.

Other loves and quirks (in no particular order):

dancing (not the pole kind…but the girls night out kind.)

working out (it’s my way of feeling strong and healthy)

reading (books, blogs & stacks of magazines!)

going out (to eat, to Target, to TJ Maxx…or da club, whatever. I just like to get out!)

karaoke (in my own living room…thanks Oxygen!)

writing/blogging (hence, the blog.)

posing for every single picture ever taken of me (ask anyone who has ever taken one. It’s a problem to some, but I just can’t help it. It makes them so much more fun to look back on.)

reality tv (it’s an addiction)

performing (this kind of goes with the above, but different. acting, singing (in my car), accents, center of attention type stuff. Mostly just for family and very close friends of course. Lucky them!)

eating (love it, need it.)

sweets (daily, or I’ll die.)

Okay, all this you just learned? It’s really just the basics. A little Summer 101. To really know me, you have to get familiar with my blog. Go on over to the right and you will see a list of words. This is the index of my soul. Well actually it’s the index of my blog, but you know, it’s kind of the same thing! Wanna know my thoughts on something, click on word that appeals to you.

I hope you laugh, I hope you cry, I hope you learn, I hope you can help (Lord knows I need it!)…But most of all, I hope you come back again!

Hugs…Summer

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oh crap….parenting woes

November 24, 2008

You’ll see this on both blogs because I’m at a loss.

I mean, seriously. SERIOUSLY!!!

Jimmy was in charge of bedtime tonight. And now, 40 minutes later, HIS son has lost every single freaking thing we could think of to take away. Which even though it sucks for him, sucks for me even more, because I stay home with him. And all the things that keep him busy during the day are G-O-N-E.

This is a sad night for the entire household. Even Chloe is crying right now.

So, now what?

On a bright note, he did stay in bed for his nap and then he earned his cars back. Too bad they’re gone again now. =(

Okay, gotta go. He’s out again.

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have i won the battle?

November 23, 2008

If you’ve been reading for awhile, you know my bedtime struggles with my dear dear son. Or better known when in trouble as: Jimmy’s son. If you’re not up to speed….you can go here and then here to get caught up. Or, even better go back to my first post ever and get caught up from the beginning. (I feel bad that my early work goes so unnoticed sometimes!) 😉 ha ha.

Anyway, things have only become worse since that post. Now he doesn’t even stay in bed for a minute. We’ve tried everything we could think of.

But then after talking with a friend, we decided to try something new…it’s called consistency. 😉 Imagine that.

It started tonight.

We went through the usual routine and put Taylor to bed. As we were saying goodnight, he responded with his usual, “What’s going to happen when I get out of bed?”

Instead of letting him know the punishment, we said, “But you’re such a good boy. Why would you want to get out of bed?” That change of answer stunned him into silence.

But, five seconds later he’s standing at the top of the stairs.

“I’m out of bed mom. What are you going to do?” (in a mocking tone of voice of course.)

I quietly walked upstairs and brought him back to bed. Then I took his pillow with me when I left.

2 seconds later he’s out again. I again very calmly walked him back in, and this time I walked out with his blankie.

I kept this up each time he got out of bed. I was very calm, very detached, very non emotional. In a matter of minutes I had stuffed a huge bag with his pillow, his blanket, his bedtime stuffed animals, his flashlight, ALL his trains, ALL his cars, and ALL his toy animals. (Yes, count that….7 freaking times he got up!!!)

He especially got serious when I told him his ATV was next and soon he would have nothing left to play with. At that point he started to get the picture.

He stayed in bed. And he stayed quiet.

So 30 minutes later he got his pillow back.

I explained that tomorrow if he stays in his bed at naptime, then when he wakes up, he can choose one thing from the bag to earn back. But, if he gets out of bed, then I will keep taking things away. My speech was this, “Your stuff is a privilege and if you don’t follow the rules, then you lose your privileges. When you obey the rules, you get more privileges. So if you want your stuff, you need to choose to obey.”

I think he got it. At least he did tonight.

We’ll see how it goes.

To be continued…

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overcoming body dysmorphia

November 20, 2008

I remember when I looked in the mirror and was satisfied with what I saw.

I remember when I didn’t see something far worse looking back at me in the mirror.
I remember when I was free of worrying about my body.
I remember when my happiness didn’t depend on achieving something.
And I miss those days.

This is something that is always on my mind. Sadly enough. I don’t ever remember being as caught up in it before I moved to California, but if I’m honest, I’m sure it has always has been somewhat of an issue for me. You know, being that I am female after all.

I don’t know when it started exactly, but one day I looked in the mirror and what I saw wasn’t good enough. I would pick out a body part and focus on it. One minute it was my thighs, the next it was my arms…or my stomach…and it went on and on. I would spend so much time thinking and analyzing over it that suddenly it would become bigger and more gross than it had even started out to be. I’d go to get dressed and cry because I hated what I saw or how my clothes fit.

I know now that what I battled was what so many women and young girls struggle with today, body dysmorphia.

I’ve never binged, purged, starved myself, or over exercised…no habits were ever started that would constitute an eating disorder, but I’m certainly no better because of that.
My thoughts can break me down.
My heart and soul get heavy, and all because of “a body,” …something that is wasting away and aging every single day.I have at times, more than I’d care to admit, even allowed my happiness depend on what my body looks like.

When I really read and dwell on that last sentence, I am overwhelmed with how sad that really is.

In being pregnant, I hated seeing my body change and gain weight, even though I knew it was for a good reason. But, towards the end I began to accept it and even began to embrace my largeness…as well as the extra calories I was able to consume! And I did my best to balance it out with going to the gym on a regular basis.

Now that I’m not pregnant, and my body is again changing, I’m back in limbo with the tug of war regarding body image. It’s funny how perspective changes depending on circumstances. In going from super large and pregnant to not pregnant, at first I felt like I looked so small. Well, smaller compared to being pregnant that is. I was so excited and felt myself strutting around the house feeling all sexy. Actually, I wouldn’t go that far, but I did have a few days where I wasn’t obsessing.

But then recently I stepped on the scale and saw I still had 10 pounds to lose. Immediately, I didn’t feel so small. I felt big and gross.
Yes, back to that.

It’s not fair, and it shouldn’t be this way.

I recently read two different interviews with Eva Longoria. It’s been all the talk about her gaining weight for her role on Desperate Housewives. In both articles, she quickly snaps back with some retort about how even though she’s gained weight, she’s still a size 0. Where as before, she was 00.

Are you kidding me?But this is what we read and see all the time. This is what’s influencing us. We are constantly getting the impression that it’s not okay to be anything but a 0.

Now that I have a daughter, it’s on my mind even more than every before. Only now I am not just over thinking (obsessing)…I’m determined to change.

I would never, ever, want to pass these kinds of thought habits onto Chloe. I want her to feel comfortable in her skin no matter what size or shape she is. I want her to know that the most important thing to focus and work on, is what’s inside. I want her to care more about who she is, what she believes in and what she stands for. I want her heart and mind to be the first thing people notice when they meet her, because that is what she has invested most of her time and energy into.

I want her to know that she is not her body. She has one, yes, but she is so much more than that. And that it’s what pours out of the body, mind and soul she’s been blessed with, that truly matters, and truly lasts.

_______

This may not be your struggle, but I believe that we all have something.

Something we want that we don’t have, something that we are hoping to get that we think will solve it all, something that we are sure will make us happy.
A bigger house, a better spouse, more money, a different job…
We find something, and we cling to it. We obsess over it. We need it and we desire it.

But the thing is, when we get that one thing, when we arrive there…we will still have ourselves.
The same old person with the same old issues.

I could achieve my ideal body, but I have a feeling if I got there it still wouldn’t be enough.
And so, I have to change my thinking.
I have to work just as hard now on what’s happening on the inside instead.

I have to learn to be happy with myself where I am right now.

Not just for my sake, but for Chloe’s.

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too much time on my hands

November 17, 2008

I know, that shouldn’t be the case, but it’s late and I’m waiting for the next Chloe feeding.

I’m watching Kath & Kim. And it’s quickly becoming one of my favorite shows. Are you even kidding me? The one liners are only awe-some, and if they take this show away from me, I will be so sad.

I know you’re dying to hear what else I think about the other shows I’m watching. You see, this is what I do late at night when everybody is asleep. I go through my recorded shows and blog….at the same time!!! It’s a wild and crazy life, but someone has to do it!

Okay, now don’t even get me started on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Actually, I will get started. They are weird-o’s. Especially that Kim girl who thinks she can sing but she can’t. And then her little friend who is oh so classy and above everyone else, Sheree. Ew, ew, ew. They are soooo looney. I mean, their dialogue. You have to watch to understand. But it’s like this:

Kim: You’re so beautiful and perfect. I am too, we’re so much the same.

Sheree: We’re real, we are classy. The other people are haters. We keep it real.

Creepy. The other three aren’t so bad and I’m tolerating them, but NeNe…she cracks me up. And I think I need to be her friend. I wouldn’t be a “hater.”

I debated being honest about 90210, but I can’t lie on my own blog. I watch it, I do. And I’m even starting to like it. Although, I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the same reason I watch The Hills.

I watch with envy and adoration. If only I looked, lived and dressed like them in high school…. But, Washington state was too busy rocking the birkenstocks, doc martens, fleece, and flannels. I was so not that cool. And let me tell you, the guys were soooo not that hot either. If they were, I would have enjoyed school so much more.

Oooh, oooh, oooh, I am also sooo into Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab. I am fascinated by it. I mean, what the heck is up with Gary Busey? He makes Stephen and Kinicke look normal. Now that’s a feat!

Kimora’s pretty funny. Over the top for sure, but still super entertaining. I think I need to be friends with her too.

Show’s I’m starting to get over? LA Ink…Booooring. The Girls Next Door, kinda lame now too. Dr. 90210, how many times do we have to see the porn star change yet another thing? And, the wife….I’m a little worried about her weight. She is just starting to look sick. It breaks my heart.

America’s Next Top Model…Oh. My. Word. Can Tyra get any more annoying and strange? She is just too much. Her and Kim from Real Housewives would make great friends. They think they’re all that, but they’re not. Also, I’m tired of seeing women who look like men pose like a broken doll. It’s old. Moving on.

Shows that need to come back? Rachel Zoe, come and teach us more! (but eat a little so we don’t have to see your bones) Tori & Dean, where have you gone? Are you really selling your house?

Grey’s Anatomy is starting to get better (but what’s up with Denny???) and I will always check in with Desperate Housewives. They make me happy. Oh, and The Office always delivers a laugh.

Fun and exciting, huh? It’s come to this. Now I’m blogging about tv. I am so sad.

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three things

November 16, 2008

Today was my first day with Chloe at church by myself, so I did my best to pay attention, take notes, and hold and feed the baby all at the same time. It was tough, but I managed.

Okay, so here’s my three things for today’s message at church.

“Judgementalism”

1.) When tempted to judge (or confront with judgement) always stop and wait. And ask these questions:

Is this a biblical issue or a cultural issue?

Will it encourage them to be more Christ like, or more like me?

Am I willing to help restore this person?

2.) Rather than judging, deal with your own sin.

Matthew 7:3-4 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank your own eye? How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

a. Don’t be a hypocrite. (Matthew 7:5)

b. What bugs us about them may be deeply at work within ourselves. (Matthew 7:3)

3.) Discerning judgement identifies right from wrong. (1 Corinthians 5:12-13)

Condemning judgement is destructive and self-righteous.

Can I get an amen?

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you can never know enough…

November 14, 2008

I’ve been chosen yet again in this bloggy game called tag, but this time I get to share 7 little tidbits about me…

Are you on the edge of your seat or what? I’m not even going to think ahead on this one. To make it really exciting, I’m going with whatever comes to mind right away. I’m crazy like that!

1.) I am as blind as a bat. Or as blind as a 90 year old. In fact when I go to the eye doctor, he is always amazed that my prescription really belongs to me. I can’t tell you how many times they double check my file. Sad.

2.) I chew more on my right side than my left. I just had a dentist appt last Monday where I found this out. She knew by the state of my gums. Ever since, I’ve noticed that she’s actually right. So, I’m trying to chew more on the left than the right to make them even.

3.) I’m a night person. I feel way more alive and chatty the last half of the day than the first half. It’s always been this way, and even with kids, it still is. I thank the Lord for the night time….(it’s a song, sing with me….)

4.) I shave every day. I hate the feeling of stubble and I can’t go a single day without giving my legs the attention and shaving they deserve.

5.) I am a sheets snob. Thanks to my sisters, I have learned that there is nothing better than climbing into the softest sheets that only a high thread count can bring. We just wore a hole in our favorite set, so I’m on a new search for more. Any suggestions?

6.) I’m not a dog person, and I have a dog. Doesn’t make any sense. I’m his person too, which is ever so much fun.

7.) I’m a beauty school drop out. I quit right before I was about to finish. Two years of apprenticing and school right out the window. The deal breaker? I had to massage a mans head that had calcium deposits all over it. The next client after him had head smell like none other….and then I realized….I hate heads. I love hair. So, I moved on. Maybe one day I’ll go back.

There, do you feel closer to me now?

I think most people have already been tagged in this fun and exciting game, but if you haven’t, then TAG! You’re it!

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