maybe it's not about a book deal after all

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{kindergarten summer, when my love for writing began. perhaps earlier}

Ever since I was little I wanted to write and publish books.
In my mind, it was such a simple goal to accomplish…..

I would write a book. Send it off to publishers so they could “oooh” and “ahhh” and fight over who would get to put their publishing name on it, and I would “hmmmm” and “welllll,” until the price was right and then BAM!

A deal would be made.

There would be book tours to follow.

And of course I’d stop and talk to Kathy Lee on the Today Show and we’d bond over my struggles and laugh about the humor I’d been able to find through it all.

Ellen would call me, and we’d banter back and forth about our books.

Then we’d play games…and she’d give me silly gifts…
oh how much fun we’d have.

And then I’d speak at churches and womens conferences, and it wouldn’t even be about money, it would be about FINALLY getting my story out there and being able to connect with women over OUR HEARTS and OUR TRUTHS without being all cliche and “christian-ese” about it.

So that was my dream well into….well….my mid thirties, which was all of um….just a few days ago.

{headband by muchloveilly}

And then I recently got a healthy dose of reality that actually inspired me and opened my eyes…
in a good way.

You know why?
Because I got quiet.
I put aside my busy thoughts and my dreams and MY WAY, and I just listened.

And it all started with a few emails from a few INCREDIBLE readers of this blog.

One I know in real life, sort of.
After spending time reading my blog, she wrote me a letter sharing her heart and her struggles which completely matched mine, and my heart ached as I read what sounded like my own words coming straight from her.
And at the end, she thanked me.
She. thanked. me!
….for being so open.
For taking a risk in being vulnerable so that she felt safe enough to do the same.
And so that finally she didn’t feel so alone.

And then there was another email….encouraging me never to give up on my dream of writing a book, even believing enough in me herself to say she knows it WILL happen when GOD’S TIMING is right.
Her encouragement, her belief, her LOVE….brought me to tears.

I read it several times that day and over the weekend.
I read it to my counselor. {okay, therapist…whatever.}
I read it to my husband…..

And then I did something I’ve been trying to do more of lately….

I prayed.

I quieted my mind and my heart and my dreams and instead of asking for something, I simply thanked Him for these amazing women who have come into my life.

I thanked Him for these incredibly brave and beautiful souls who have opened up to me and shared their hearts and lives.

And I thanked Him even more for giving me the ability to SEE them.
To know them.
To feel and understand EXACTLY what it is they are sharing with me.

And during that prayer, I heard him remind me…

“you understand because of what you’ve walked through.

you see their hearts, because you’ve continued to walk with me in the midst of it, and have trusted my spirit to work through you.”

And as I said, Amen….

my heart changed.
it began to sing a new song.

The dream was still there.

But suddenly I saw it differently.

Sometimes God’s dream for us is even BETTER than the ones we’ve come up with ourselves.

Quoting the email from my sweet Canadian reader/friend:

“I really believe that God loves us very much. Now just because he loves us doesn’t mean he gives us our every wish (I know this because I would have a walk in closet, and it would be STACKED with A LOT of clothes in it), but I do believe he knows the PURE desires of our heart.”

He is an incredible God, who CAN and WILL give me the desires of my heart.

But this dream of a book?

I had to ask myself some hard questions….
If I don’t care about the money or fame (cause you know, authors become famous overnight millionaires from what i hear…not.), then what is it really all about?

~For me, it’s always been about connecting with women.

~It’s about desiring a platform to share my journey, my truths and my humor through all the tough stuff (and fun stuff)…so that we’re not always crying and whining,

but laughing sometimes too.

~And most importantly, not doing it ALONE.

~It’s about CONNECTING us.

~It’s about making each and every one of us feel LESS ALONE in this life we’re living.

And then God said….

“Um, Summer….????”

“Have you heard of the blog, Le Musings of Moi?”

Okay, maybe He didn’t AUDIBLY say that, but that’s what my heart heard.

Maybe this book dream of mine, morphed into a BLOG dream of God’s.

I don’t know for sure where He will take me with my desire to write and speak and share.

But I do know now, right in this moment, that I have got to stop with the lamenting.

I must stop wishing I had more of what other bloggers have.

I have to end the jealousy and comparing and wishing for different or more.

Because this God of ours?

He is good.

Sooooo good.

And incredibly loving and faithful and amazing.

And I trust that if I keep on doing exactly what it is I KNOW He has called me to do….

I will be living the dream.

His dream.

Which is so much better than I could ever imagine.

So thank you.

Every single one of you who come here to read.

Whether you come daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly.

Whether you comment or don’t, email or not….

Just for being here…

Thank you.

God is working through you.

YOU are changing me, and growing me more than you will ever know.

And I kind of massively love you for it.

xoxo

~~~~~~~

Now it’s your turn to think deep.

Is there a dream you’ve been clinging to that perhaps if you just shifted your perspective, you could see it a little differently?

Do share.

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maybe it’s not about a book deal after all