Believe it or not, Jimmy and I fight sometimes.
I mean, obviously, it’s because he’s wrong, but still….
we fight.
What I’ve noticed is that if we dont really address and SOLVE the issue at hand,
and instead just try to move forward,
and then it ends up being tacked on to the next fight.
And then if we don’t solve THAT issue,
those two unresolved issues show up in the next fight and so on…
It’s vicious,
and us women can really unintentionally hold on to A LOT that we have no idea about.
I caught myself wondering why I was SO upset this last fight we had,
when on the surface (and to him) it really wasn’t the end of the world.
And that’s when I realized….it was so much more than THIS fight.
So, after a few days of stewing and creating a shell around my heart,
I decided to try something new.
I asked Jimmy if I could have some of his time,
where I could just sit and explain my side of things.
Express my feelings, my thoughts, my frustrations….
and have him promise to not SAY A WORD.
All he was allowed to do was listen.
And can I just tell you?
It was AMAZING.
There was no interrupting.
No defending.
Or deflecting.
Or accusing.
Or excuses.
I felt so safe.
And then he promised to take at least 24 hours to think and pray over what I’d said,
and come back with his own thoughts….
and then together we’d finally be able to solve the issue without heated emotions.
Genius, right?
For the first time,
I felt years of frustration melt away by simply making a change to the way things have been done.
I’m hoping we’ll be able to keep this up the next time he’s wrong.
And that maybe if we actually start solving THIS fight,
they won’t feel so big or get so out of hand the next time.
Anyway….we can all use advice in regards to this….
So, how do you guys fight right?
© 2010 “Le Musings of Moi”
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Good stuff girl. Alot of the times I make things into a huge deal and stew on the inside and my hubs is oblivious. lol I try to make myself tell him how I feel otherwise we get no where. So glad you found a way to fight fair 🙂
Ummmm… I can tell you that I have NOT been fighting like that lately 🙁
Bad Bad Bad me….
But that IS genius, and definitely how it should be handled!!
I don’t. I sucker punch! Just kidding…good plan of action!
i love you. you’re such a smart little lady 🙂
I slam doors and he turns up the TV real loud so he can’t hear me. 🙂 Kidding- kind of.
This is a great suggestion. Mr. Pickle and I don’t fight too often but when we have anything that is really bothering us or something serious to talk about we will schedule a time to talk (hopefully when we are not still upset) and discuss. Sometimes we even go to our counselor that we did pre-marriage counseling with.
This is a good idea, and I’m curious to hear what Jimmy comes back with and what the next steps are.
Me and my boyfriend fight pretty ugly. We often don’t really resolve things, one of us just gets tired of fighting. We storm off, we use the silent treatment, we avoid each other, but I’ve found that the few times I’ve actually been able to intelligently articulate my feelings (which I’m rarely able to do), it helped. We talked and we listened and we resolved to be better.
Well, first of all we try not to yell. EVER. We also are not mean to each other.
I’m the type that wants to get away and not talk about it and just BE MAD. He doesn’t let me do that though. He HUGS me until I relax enough to talk. Haha. I hate it but I know it’s good.
I think this is an amazing post, woman. Everyone fights & very few people think about how to fight better. There is such a thing as a good fight!
Well of COURSE he’s always wrong — he’s a maaaaan. Haha!
Well done, Summer. xo
Def. gonna have to try this approach! Thanks for sharing!
~Whit
This is such a good post, when BK and I argue I usually tell him how i feel, but then he won’t tell me how he feels until a day later because he is a thinker. It works because I can vent right away, and he doesn’t get mad back right away. It’s more of a contemplative fight, and it works for us. Glad this worked for you too! 🙂
in my last relationship, we used to end the fight without having solved anything and it always was disastrous.
thank god that right now, my boyfriend is a GREAT fighter, meaning he listens and understands and we actually work things out.
your method sounds genius, though!
a girl i worked with did this with her husband and they seriously NEVER fought or had big issues. it’s easy to say you want to fight like this but, especially us women, when you are in the heat of the moment all you want to do is get it out in the open.
hope this works for you!!
You’re so smart, Summer… and you have so much more fashion sense that the girl in that picture, haha. Good stuff!
hahah, obviously cause he is wrong…hilarious.
I feel the same way!!
My first marriage was abusive and obviously there was no fair fighting there. This marriage, things are so much calmer and rational when we do argue. It makes a world of difference, doesn’t it?
Seems similar to the episode of Tori and Dean this week. I was thinking the same thing while I was watching it. The way Tori handles things is how most girls do. Glad you can work it out with your hubby!
thats an awesome plan! we solve 95% of our fights with google and i usually win. 🙂
I haven’t had a chance to read the other comments. But, I have learned to not take things personally…for example, Branmuffin’s mood..or his tone, his problems. They aren’t my problem for me to take personally.
Talking is good, time as husband and wife is the best…cuz then you aren’t mommy and daddy, or man and woman…you gotta get alone time to be a better team.