another edition of dear therapist…answered: does he really want to marry me?

Anonymous said…


Here is my question:


My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 2 years.

After about 6-7 months he told me I was “the one”, which was great, because I felt the same way.

Well flash forward a year and still no ring.

His family, friends, my friends keep asking him about it, but nothing.

I love him, but I am starting to think that if it is taking this long after “he knew” maybe is isn’t as into me as he has let on…?

But he talks about “our wedding” and “our kids” all the time.

I don’t know if I am being a nutcase, or if I should bring up my feelings to him.

How can I talk to him about this without being too pushy/needy, ideas?


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I’ve seen this over and over and over again in my years as a therapist.

I can tell you that you are not a nut-case.

This happens all the time—and I have my theories as to why.


This is going to sound incredibly old-fashioned, but…

women tend to be the care-takers of relationships.

Blame genetics, evolution, divine-design—whatever the reason, women tend to be the ones in charge of making sure a relationship is healthy, on-course, and nurtured.


Women also tend to be more analytical:

turning thoughts, conversations, and plans around in their heads—

looking at things from every angle, giving meaning to things, and taking the emotional temperature of things.


I also think the long standing history of waiting for a man to propose is a very hard proposition for modern women to accept, even if the romantic in us wants things to progress in this way.

It can feel very disempowering and I think most women fear that by talking about it,

they seem desperate, insecure, and/or putting pressure on their significant other.


So, here’s my advice:

Start by reminding yourself that you are not alone in your confusion, fear, and frustration.

In the same way that most American women have hangups about not being married, most American men have their own strange hang-ups about BEING married.

What I have seen in my office, though, is that most people, once married, truly value marriage and will fight very hard to see their marriage thrive.


So, not to sound too stereotypical, I’m not surprised that your man isn’t rushing into a proposal.

If he’s talking about your wedding and your future kids, I would assume this issue is not about you “not being the one” but about ALL the other things that get in the way of a man and a woman being on the same page at the same time and taking the leap into marriage.


I would encourage you to find your voice in the relationship when it comes to your hopes for the future.

I wouldn’t yell, I wouldn’t pout, I wouldn’t beg.

What I would do is find a time when things are calm to talk.

Frame your thoughts in a positive way (not—“Why haven’t you proposed yet?! Don’t you LOVE me?!”) Something like, “I really enjoy you.

I love the way you take care of me, I love the way we can feel safe together.

I’ve been thinking more and more about our future and I wanted you to know, I feel so sure that you and I will create an amazing marriage, and that we will be amazing parents.

Sometimes I’m not sure if that’s still something that’s important to you.

What are you thinking about our future together?”


And then listen.

Not in the overly-analytical “What did that throat-clearing mean?!” way,

but in an open, curious, “let me learn about you” kind of way.

If he shares that he’s on board for the future, just not sure of the timing, again, share your thoughts.

As you speak, remember, this is not a fight to be won.

It’s a time to share and learn about each other.


Let him know it’s something you are ready for, and that it sometimes feels lonely/scary/weird/fill- in-your-own-emotion-here, to feel this way and not know if he’s on the same page.

If he has some reservations, have compassion.

Validate him.


Sometimes the more we push for something, the harder the other person has to pull back.

I’ve seen couples polarize over things they actually more or less agree on, just to try and feel heard.

Hear him.

Validate him.

Thank him for being open to talking about things.

And then, if in a few months, things feel like they are still in the same place, find another wonderfully calm time to talk again.


I know how scary and frustrating this can be.

If you take ten steps back, and look at it as if it were a movie, it would be almost weird if it were easy, right? Being on the same page, and that exact same time, about something so huge?

It’s unlikely.

I know we’re taught that if it’s “true love” then we would be on the exact same page at the exact same time. But real love is not like love in a fairy tale.

It’s a powerful mix of taking care of yourself and the other person at the same time, even when you’re not on the same page.

It’s hard to do, but when you pull it off, it’s a magically beautiful thing.


Good luck!

Shelby


~~~~~~~


Got a question for Shelby?

Leave it in the comments, and maybe yours will be chosen next!

~~~~~~~

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Comments

  1. women are too analytical. i sued to do all these over analyzing stuff in my head too.

    i loved the line ‘real love is not like love in a fairy tale’, SO TRUE.

  2. i loved this post!! thanks for sharing :))

  3. Mike told me I was “the one” after three weeks. Flash forward five years, three months, 24 days, two pets, one bachelor’s degree, a new house… and yet still no bling… Hmph! 😉

  4. My sons father and I have been split up since I was pregnant (3+ years). In the last six months we have started to become really good friends. We are both single again, and I realize I still LOVE him. I mean.. really love him. My mom mentioned the other day, that she doesn’t think I ever stopped.

    The thing is, when we have talked about it, he says “I want to say where our future takes us.” What does that mean? We are living in two different states now, but will be moving closer for my son this up coming summer. Do I wait and see if he cares about me.. or should I move on?

    ALSO*** We split due to infidelity on his part. Can someone change, or once a cheater always a cheater? What do you think?

  5. G.R.E.A.T. advice! My opinion for what it’s worth. If you are happy in your relationship and enjoying each other then enjoy the moment. Marriage is not all peaches and cream and why not just enjoy what you have? Stop looking at what you don’t have. You have a lot more than most- married or not.

  6. Thanks for this. Although my issue is far different – some of your advice really resonated with me and has helped me to reach a decision. Thank you.

  7. Needed this post!! lol
    Lord knows my boyfriend wishes I would really take this advice… I am going to work on it!

  8. Some great advice…I hope that she gets a ring soon though!

  9. I loved this post! Great advice 🙂

  10. Wow, I too needed this post. It is very helpful, and perfect timing for this specific reader. I appreciate the encouragement, and hope it gave that specific girl the help she was hoping for too.

  11. Great post!! Thanks so much!

  12. wow- i wouldn’t want to date a guy any less than 4 years before we got engaged! i feel like you need a GOOD chunk of time to make sure you still want to be together well after the initial spark has faded a bit.

  13. 2 years? ha! try 4 🙂