{licensed marriage and family therapist}
to answer???
Well, although it was hard, she narrowed it down to one, and here are her words of wisdom….
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I work with a guy that I totally have a crush on. We flirt with each other all the time. He tells me that I am pretty and sexy. It seems harmless really but I am starting to have dreams about this other man, crazy hot sexy dreams. Sometimes they are so bad that I can’t even look at him the next day.
I would never dream of cheating on my husband in real life but in my head and in my dream, it appears that I have. I feel like my mind is doing bad things. I want the dreams and thoughts to stop. How can I handle this?
Okay, I choose to start with this one, because
a.) more people are dealing with this than you would ever imagine and
b.) I have had my share of “at-work boyfriends.”
But, being in a solo private practice, and having EXCEPTIONAL boundaries with my male clients, an “at-work” boyfriend is something I had to kiss good-bye the minute I left agency work.
I miss it.
It has lots of perks.
BUT—and this is a HUGE “but”—it has a lot of risks, too.
Let’s start with the perks.
You are a human being—we all are—and it is incredibly flattering and validating to have other people notice you. It helps remind you that you are a sexual, attractive person.
That sexual part of yourself can get lost in the shuffle of dealing with all the responsibilities being over 22 comes with.
It can also remind you to live out that sexual part of yourself with your aforementioned husband.
Being a little flirty with others can remind you to be flirty at home.
And that’s a good thing.
Now the risks:
crossing boundaries, confusing thoughts, lurid dreams that leave you feeling guilty and left with feelings that feel like maybe they should be acted upon.
Hurt feelings, worried and suspicious co-workers, and bad reputations.
Actual affairs, ruined marriages, betrayed children.
It can get pretty ugly.
I have seen too many couples in my office wrestling through the aftermath of an affair—often with someone one of them has identified as a “crush at work.”
It is an ugly, horrible, painful process and I have had more than one client tell me, “If you ever have someone who is considering an affair—tell them not to do it. It’s not at all worth it.”
I get it that you don’t have any intention of having an affair with this “crush.”
But what you described sounds a whole lot like what my clients describe as the behavior that led to the “affair” that “just happened.”
Very few people ever really mean for affairs to happen.
And you sound like you could be headed down a very slippery slope.
Here’s how to stop the bad dreams, respect your marriage, and ensure you won’t end up sitting on a therapist’s couch saying, “I never meant for this to happen”:
1. Realize that choosing your marriage is a decision you make every day.
Every hour. Every minute. With every action.
2. Set a boundary for yourself.
A line you will not cross.
And make it ten steps before the line society says you should not cross. “I will not kiss him” is the society line.
Ten steps before that: “I won’t joke about sleeping together. I won’t meet him for drinks after work. I won’t eat lunch alone with him. I won’t let him drive me home after a work function.”
If you stay ten steps back from the kiss, you won’t find yourself saying things like, “A back rub in the break room isn’t a big deal,” and “Texting about sex isn’t the same as having it.”
An easy way to do this is create the rule: “I will not do anything here that I would not do in front of my husband” otherwise known as, “I won’t do anything I wouldn’t want my spouse to know about.”
3. The dreams are a huge tip off that you’re giving this crush WAY more thought and energy than you should.
It’s okay to fantasize—but mix up your fantasies.
Purposefully daydream about your husband.
Spend some time remembering your first dates, your first good sexual encounters.
Fantasize about Brad Pitt—or Bradley Cooper from The Hangover (yummy!).
Flirt with the barista at Starbuck’s.
Flirt with the mailman.
Spread some of your sexual energy around, in small, innocent ways, to remind yourself that it’s okay to be a sexual person, just not so intensely with any one person who is not your husband.
4. Choose to cool off things with the crush at work.
Don’t make some huge speech to him about how things are too serious and you’re starting to dream about him, and so have to back off.
That is the exact opposite of backing off.
That is jumping ten steps ahead to making reservations at a Motel 8.
Just thoughtfully back off.
Stay friendly, but when you feel you want to throw your head back and laugh sexily at his incredibly funny joke, and then stroke his arm to assure him you think he is incredible, but –you know—in a harmless way—DON’T DO IT.
Smile, look at your watch and walk away.
Don’t go over to his cube 57 times a day.
Don’t text him every time you think something is funny or ironic.
Text your husband instead.
And on that point,
5. Make more of an effort to connect with your husband.
Call to catch up.
Make plans for a date.
Purposefully think of him as you fall asleep at night: imagine him as the star of your raunchy, hot, wonderful dreams.
6. Finally, don’t beat yourself up.
Know that we ALL do this.
I think a couple is far more likely to have a strong, healthy marriage when they can acknowledge that they are both human, and therefore, both susceptible to these kinds of thoughts, feelings, and actions.
If you acknowledge it, you can plan to avoid it.
It’s the people who say, “Oh that would NEVER happen to me” that find themselves drunk in the back of their co-worker’s car after the holiday party.
Not. Good.
When you have the thoughts about your crush, just notice them. Don’t judge them.
For now, notice them like this: “Oh, there they are again. Thoughts about X. What would I like to be thinking about? Zumba? Jamba Juice? McDreamy?” And switch gears.
If thoughts of X keep coming back, don’t judge yourself, or apply any meaning to it.
Simply notice it, and watch it as a bubble wraps around the words or picture in your mind and floats off into a blue, blue sky.
I’m glad you wrote in with this question.
So many women (and men) are having the same, secret little problem.
Dreaming about a crush doesn’t have to say anything about you or your marriage.
The way you handle those dreams, the action you decide to take in order to protect your marriage—now THAT says a lot about you!
Yours, Shelby
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You guys like this?
Good, because she’s coming back with more another time!
She had such a hard time choosing that she wants to address some of the others….
And if you have stuff you need advice on now, just leave it in the comments, and maybe she’ll even get to yours!
{anonymously is okay!}
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Love the point about choosing your marriage every day!
Also – I left you a little award on my blog because I think you’re pretty darn awesome!
Have a great day
Hey Girly,
I am new to your bloggy blog! I found ya through Summer and Rasha! Your blog is super cute! Love the post, you seem like such a doll!
I love meeting new “bloggy” friends and fellow Summer’s LOL….
I can’t wait to read more!
Summer :0)
While, I’m not having this problem, because heck… I don’t work with any men, I did find this very interesting! I loved all of her points & suggestions! Love it! It’s like bloggy Cosmo up in here!
Excellent advice!
Such a great topic! My husband and I actually had a conversation about this the otherday; about opening the lines of communication between us on this topic so that one of us doesnt get in a compromising position we cant get out of. I’ve heard a lot about this lately, so glad it was addressed here too 🙂
I’m so glad she chose this question! This is so common, and so many people get wrapped up in the confusing emotions that surround this type of situation. It’s happened to me, it happened to my ex husband.
I love the part about choosing your marriage every day. I wish more people would realize that!
Thanks so much! 🙂
I do like this Summer, although I had a difficult time with some of the advice. I feel that flirting is never really harmless and always dishonors our spouse, regardless of the intent. I was convicted of this with an attraction to a co-worker, who is also attracted to me. He is single, I am not. While we never flirted, I always went out of my way to turn and smile at him as he was walking by, knowing full well that he would be checking me out. I realized that this was not acceptable to God and stopped doing it. Sure, I will still say hi if we are passing in the hallway, but not anywhere near the amount of enthusiasm or charm that I once did.
Overall, very good advice and we should always be checking ourselves when it comes to attractions to other people!
What a fantastic idea Summer! This is like bloggy love line. When can people send in more questions?
Work crushes are so bizarre to me nowadays but that’s cause i work with a bunch of duds so there’s no lusting going on.
When i was in high school, i had the biggest crush on this guy who was much older. I wasn’t in a relationship but our difference was definitely taboo. Guess thats not related to this case so much.
Great post and advice!
I was in this situation, and I think Shelby’s advice is spot on. Thankfully, I took her advice before I knew it, and I stepped back. That, and my “crush” was mature enough and wise enough to realize that the flirting we had only served to make my relationship with my boyfriend stronger.
Fantastic and very thorough answer!
I this was so fabulous. She is awesome.
And helpful.
She makes some really good points.
great advice! i went through kind of a similar situation a few years ago. wish i had shelby to give me advice then!
Never sh@t where you eat!
Excellent post 🙂
Awesome advice! Especially #2 and #4. So many people are sabotaging themselves without even realizing it. I was the one who ended up drunk with the coworker at the end of the holiday party. Not a pretty thing, living with guilt and regret!
Great advice, I totally agree.