what you see
she doesn’t.
what she sees,
you don’t.
she stands there and stares
picks apart
obsesses.
it’s not enough
not right.
so wrong.
it must be hidden.
it has to be fixed.
~~~~~~~
I can’t say I don’t understand why she covers up when it’s obvious she is {too} thin.
I can’t say I don’t get why she felt the need for 10 plastic surgeries in one day.
Because I do.
I understand.
I get it.
So, I can’t judge.
Because while I may not have their extremes….
still,
in them…
I see myself.
I mention secrets.
I mention struggle.
I mention issues.
And if you’ve been here awhile, you already have an idea.
{if not, those links will help you to understand}
But, what plays over in my head day in and day out, I’ve never really opened up about.
It’s just that lately it’s not been enough to simply acknowledge it’s there.
It was on my birthday that God made it clear,
that now was the time to grow.
To heal.
I’ve already begun the work.
{with help….}
And I know it will take time.
But, I’m on my way.
I’m learning that the girl in the mirror that I see,
is not really the me God created.
~~~~~~~
So you understand why my heart breaks
when I see women like them
because I know it’s not an issue of vanity.
They just want to feel okay
with themselves.
So they keep trying.
Only in all the wrong ways.
I am so thankful for the people in my life who keep me grounded.
Who help me to see what is true.
What is real.
What is important.
More importantly
it’s my relationship with God
that has saved me.
His incredible love and grace….
His ability to show me my true worth…
But, I’m no better.
Even when I’m well….
I will always see myself in them.
it’s called….body dismorphia.
~~~~~~~
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
SHARE THIS POST
I’ve battled with body image distortion my whole life. I used to let the number on the scale determine how I felt about myself for the day. Then my counselor recommended not weighing myself anymore. How liberating! I still struggle. Day to day I feel “fat” or I feel “skinny”. But it’s something I continue to work on.
I’ve been there too girl, I’ve always picked at myself. Over the last few years I’ve gained some weight and to me there is no excuse for it, and I attribute it to me being lazy, so now I’m trying to change that! I eat healthier and work out, instead of taking diet pills and hauling it to the gym 3 times a day like I did in college. And an alcohol diet didn’t help either….so thank you for sharing your story because I can totally see where you are coming from!
I love how open and honest you are, honey. You just brighten the day by laying it all out there. I’ll be praying for you because I know this is hard. 🙂
Lovely, and so true. All women should read this post. Thank you!
Namaste~Heather
*hugs*
With Love, and compassion you can over come anything!
One of the things that makes you so beautiful is your honesty & transparency. Thanks for sharing….this was so well said.
Summer, I’d kill for a body like yours. You are beautiful.
As a woman, and especially as a mom, I struggle with my body image, too. I think most of us do. You are so beautiful, Summer. You are thin, lovely, stylish… I wish you never have to deal with these issues anymore! I think Heidi looked so much better before, anyway. I think she is doing it just get on more magazine covers, you know? I mean, some people have real insecurities, and I think for her, it’s all show, you know?
amen, sister. amen. couldn’t have said it better myself. although, i still have the need to hate on heidie. DUDE she’s 23! and she says she has MORE surgies to go! if someone were really self concious about the way they look, would they really plaster it all over people magazine!?!? i mean we have a hard enough time writing it on a blog that only a few hundread or thousad people read. MILLIONS of people read people magazine. i think heidi is just doing it for the spot light. not b/c she hates her body. although, she is pretty sick in the head.
man…what a rant. sorry.
I’m slightly dealing with this right now myself. I have gained so much weight over the past year or so and am now in the process of losing it. Now…I’m still not overweight in the slightest, but I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.
It seems as if I’m always in a struggle with my body…and have been since I was about 16, even though I’ve been a size 2 or 4 most of my life. (although right now, I’m bustin’ out of those 4’s with a vengeance..haha)
Thank you for sharing something so personal with us.
Personally, i dont get it…i mean i get the insecurity and the strive for perfection but i just dont get doing that to your body. There are many things i hate about my face and body…i could tear myself apart in seconds BUT i’ve learned to accept and appreciate. You can never be truly happy with yourself until you begin to look beyond the imperfections. You’re beautiful, summer, inside and out. I don’t think you give yourself as much credit as you should. This post shows your amazing strength, compassion and kindness.
you are beautiful. inside and out. always always. mmwah!
Isn’t it amazing how only God can help us see the beauty He has created in us. I used to suffer horribly from this myself, I was never happy…but now, with God’s help…I’ve never been happier!
I’m so glad He is helping you to see through His eyes, the absolutely beautiful woman you are, inside and out!
God bless Summer!
I get it also. When I was a teenager, my dad made a comment about me that has hurt and I haven’t been able to let it go. Then I gained weight once I got with my husband and that didn’t help one bit. Glad I lost the weight. And yes, God is so wonderful. He shows that unconditional love. I’m working on myself also but now I’m dealing with other issues. It’s from one exteme to the next. *sigh*
As for Heidi, I personally think hers IS vanity cause watching her and Spencer. Those two don’t care what it takes to get publicity. They like it whether it’s good or bad. They’re perfect for each other but you watch, if one starts to get more of the publicity, that’s what will break their relationship. It’s truly sad.
What a great post. And very brave of you to share with us. I know I struggle with this as well, and I think most women do to some extent. Stupid media! 🙂 You are beautiful!
I can’t think of one woman who is truly satisfied with what she sees when she looks in the mirror. The scary part happens when she goes from healthy caring bout it to unhealthy obsessing about it. For me- personally, the hardest part comes when I start imparting this on my tweenage daughter. I am so conscious of what I say to her. Hopefully, she do as I do and not as I say. I need to lead by example. Or at least try , anyway.
So many women struggle with this. At one point in my life I looked in the mirror, saw HUGE legs & started dieting for a while. I became so thin, people would tell me, “You don’t look well, you’re too skinny!” I looked in the mirror and thought, “I look GREAT…they are just jealous.”
Looking back at pictures all these years later, I now see what they saw. Strange thing this Body Dismorphia!
I’m a size seven now & though I sometimes long to be a 3 or 5 again, I realize that I look healthier at this weight.
Thank you for your wonderful writing on the subject & your honesty & openess!
I understand where women are coming from too. There are things I REALLY hate about my body. Now, going through pregnancy #3 is not helping matters. I am not one of those people who love being pregnant. I am cool with the labor part, but I just love the baby part. Anyshway, I hate that in the same breath people in the “biz” say they are accepting of larger than ‘0’, they also rip Jessica Simpson for being fat. Just amazes me.
lady i miss you!!
such a beautiful post. so true. it is extremely hard to be a girl and deal with the pressures we do. especially the unspoken ones.
you are beautiful. so glad to have you as a friend lovely!
much love -chels
Summer you look great! You need to think it though. I wish I could switch bodies with you and many others…that is the stuff I think of. Thanks for being you, I love how you put it out there. Its really cool how you explained it to people…U R REAL, I like it!
Suz
What a great post and thank you for being honest!!
I struggled with this issue when I was younger…
Somehow as an adult I am for the most part happy with what I see, and I can’t figure out how or WHY I changed from having such severe body issues to being ok with what I am now??? I mean of course I ALWays WANT TO BE thinner- always, but I do not obsess like I used to. I hope you figure it all out and love you for you!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! 🙂
i completely understand where you are coming from as well…oh what i would change about my appearance if i could…but at the same time i am confident…i am pleased…but maybe someday should i have the funds i wouldn’t protest have one or two things put correctly…
but lady you are gorgeous inside and out and your heart for the Lord is nothing short of stunning!
You’re beautiful Summer. And this was beautiful too. <3
It’s so so sad. I agree..we can’t judge. We just have to pray and hope that they find strength in themselves and learn to heal. It’s easier said than done but they have to try. Hopefully they’re getting support around them from loved ones (and not magazines)
This is one of the most incredible, vulnerable, and honest posts I think you’ve ever written. I think it’s awesome that you are bringing awareness to this because it is SO easy to judge celebrities like the ones you mentioned, but you really gave me a different perspective. You are a total knockout, Summer. Absolutely gorgeous! When you’ve mentioned struggles with weight and body image I always thought, “Girl! You look A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!” Awesome, awesome post, Summer. You are a brave woman, and you know my very, very best thoughts and prayers are with you right now. Big hugs, my friend. 🙂
I have to echo was Sera said. I really could not say it any better.
Summer, you are amazing and I am so glad to have you in my life. You make me want to be a better person.
Truly.
I think I have the opposite problem…I think I am so way more fabulous than I actually am. I know. Hard to believe. I’m working on it.
And you are so just as fabulous as I am in my brain…we are like the two most fabulous people ever.
Wow I was just transported back into my high school years, sitting in my eating disorders therapy session and after being told all about this I thought to myself “Yeah whatever”. and came to realize that I will ALWAYS suffer from that, it’s what I do with it that makes the difference and it’s so much more than what people think!
And for the record, I think you are beautiful!
I swear, your posts always speak right to me! Beautiful words. I can completely relate, as sometimes I look in the mirror and see more artificial and less what God made me as (no plastic surgeries, but the hair, makeup, etc). These women in the mags that are portraying body images as something to easily tamper with are just ruining young girls. The whole Heidi thing just makes me so sad for her! Anyway, great post love XOXO
This was… an incredible post. Honestly, so good. I’ve thought so many of the same things. I remember looking in the mirror and hating what I saw. I still have moments where I grab a chunk of flesh and think “go away! when did I tell you you could just keep expanding!” and then I have to remind myself that I am healthy and strong and that is all that matters. Still… I see people like Heidi Montag and I get so sad, because I remember…
((HUGS))
I know what you mean here.
I struggle with this every day.
It’s hard, but we can and will heal!
Good luck to you.
Having dealt with my mom’s severe eating disorder my entire life, this really hits home. God made us each unique and beautiful to Him, I have to focus on that fact!
What a great post! Seriously. It’s all so true. I completely understand. There’s so much I wish to change about my image. Every woman focuses far too much on her physical image. If only every woman could instead try harder to just love herself for who she is, rather than what she looks like. That’s way easier said than done though…that’s the problem. This was a great post. I’m glad I found this blog.
This was such a beautiful post, right from the heart.
I love this post-although I don’t have an issue with my body- I HATE my face. I can’t help but feel ugly all the time.
Thank you for being s honest.
Beautiful post-thank you for your honesty. 🙂
Oh, and I still have to scroll to the right to see the whole blog, but it doesn’t bother me!