{Triple Threat}
Oooh, got your attention there didn’t I?
So, the older I get, the more I wonder when I’m in a room filled with people, how many of them are on antidepressants?!? I used to think I was the only one. Now, I’m sure that I’m not.
Shoot, I’m not the only one with issues. You know how I know this?
I know this, because I’m not the only with kids.
My first experience with the AD’s was when I was a freshman in High School. As I’ve talked about a little bit before on my blog, I was a victim of rape in 9th grade at a party I should have never been at. And with all the pain and humiliation I went through during and afterwards, my dad brought me to a counselor (thank the LORD!) who suggested I might cope better with the help of Prozac.
I was broken and desperate, and I took that pill as though my life depended on it. 6 months later, I was out of my darkness, and I said goodbye to the big P.
Here’s the great thing about me. Well one of the many great things…I have a predisposition to depression. It’s on both sides, and I’m just one of the lucky daughters who gets to take it on.
Yes, God thinks I’m strong. And I’m not talking about these guns either…although….
{not even close to what’s inside}
For the most part, I’ve been able to keep the depression at bay without meds, except for one other time in my adult life. While most may think the first year of marriage is all about a honeymoon stage, for me, I was F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G out. Freaking out leads to tears, which led to anxiety and pooping and well, eventually back to my happy pills. {I had an amazing husband, obviously, the issues were all about me. It’s me, not you.}
Oh ya people, I really know how to party.
A year later, I chilled out, got my stuff together, and dropped ’em like it’s hot.
But then I had a baby.
And then I had to deal with death while having a kid, who might I mention never stopped whining or crying or throwing himself on the floor when people looked at him…..all the freaking day long.
{Feeling the pain}
And then, let’s really talk about anxiety, the awful, I can’t eat, I need to poop, what is sleep?, no I don’t want to talk on the phone or leave my house, kind of anxiety. And it sucked. Just slightly.
I called my doctor and begged for the pills. Please anything! Shoot, I would have swallowed sushi (I hate sushi) if he told me it would make me better.
He tried one, and after weeks of feeling completely STONED all the while still ANXIOUS, we finally decided that ummmm ya, maybe it just wasn’t the match for me. As much as you would think being stoned could be fun, let me tell you, mixed with anxiety, not so much fun. Nope, not so much.
Was I unfixable?
But then I saw the healer. A new doctor with a new plan.
He spent time with me, reviewed my history, my families history, and really listened to me. And then he broke the news to me. I may very well be a lifer. But I was okay with that. Because my family needs me. And when I’m busy in the bathroom with anxiety poo (don’t eeeeeven get me started on anxiety poo), I can’t very well be a good mother.
It’s now been about two years since I’ve really had any bad long lasting anxiety and even longer for depression. And the longer I go, the more confident I feel. I totally one hundred percent believe God can heal through medication.
I know that there are so many people out there who feel shame about having or needing to take these happy pills, and I just don’t get it.
Life is short, I want to enjoy it. I want to be the best I can possibly be in this life.
So, while some may look down on me or think I’m weak, I know in my heart I am not. I am stronger than I ever believed. And I will do whatever I have to do, take whatever I have to take to be there for my husband and my kids. I am not ashamed.
{I will climb any mountain. For them.}
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
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I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had things so tough.
This was a particularly poignant post to me as just yesterday, after years of being on anti-depressants I was prescribed tablets for anxiety due to recent anxiety attacks. Humph. So, I’m in the freak show with you!
Us nut jobs have to stick together – like one big, wallowy mass of tears, snot, anger and depression!!! Then the normal people could just stick us on an island and get on with their lives!!! 😀
Great post.
LBM xxx
Great post! I am there with ya. I have never been on any long term, I did have to get some for our trip a couple weeks ago. I did end up taking a couple when things got out of hand. My mother in law is CONSTANTLY trying to cram them down my throat with awesome quips like “I could have been SUCH a better mother had I have been on them” (yeah, shes on them now, and whacked out) Which she knows playing the mom card would usually make a difference. Its funny lately cause its like everyone has been waiting for me to crack, but I never did. Thats not to say that I didnt TOTALLY have my moments, but I didnt quit anything, lol.
Thanks for sharing. I think we all need to know that we are in fabulous company sometimes.
And a beautiful family it is too. I totally hear you on this issue… I’m in the same boat.
I truly believe that God created doctors and modern medicine to heal us. You should never feel ashamed of taking prescribed medicine for the right reasons. You rock Summer 🙂
I have suffered from depression also, as have many of my family members. I don’t take medication, but if it got bad enough, I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all.
The biggest thing to remember is it not only affects you. Especially if you have children, time goes by so quickly and if their memories are of a mother who can barely lift her sad face from the pillow and not enjoy their presence in her life-or her FREAKING OUT over things that are temporary and quite fixable- her NOT taking pills to help actually hurt those around her.
It’s like refusing to take an antibiotic with an infection. It’s Fine to try the home remedies, but if you notice no improvement,it may be time to go to the Doctor and get some pills. People died from strept throat many years ago. Then an antibiotic was discovered that could bring relief. Why suffer if you don’t have to?
Your hubs and kids (as well as yourself) deserve some peace.
God bless you Summer! I am so glad you are doing whatever you need to do to be the best you can be! And thanks for sharing this with us, I have had a bout with depression and happy pills myself…it’s good to let others know they aren’t the only ones also!
Two babies in two years can make you pretty crazy… I was prescribed Lexapro for anxiety last year. I can’t even put into words my love for that little pill. It makes me feel normal, and that’s all I can hope for. You are so right… you want to be the best you can be for your family, and if that means taking a medicine to help balance out those brain chemicals, then so be it.
Wow, it’s crazy how our paths are alike. I, too, am on this crazy road and now take Wellbutrin. The combo of depression and anxiety for me turns into MEGA IRRITABILITY…ok, I can call myself a mega bitch. It’s nuts, ask my hubby. I’m surprised he’s still with me. It’s working wonders. This isn’t the first med I’ve tried, though. I think it’s #3…third times the charm, right?
You have come out so so strong with everything you’ve been through. I’m so glad you weren’t afraid of taking meds to help. Some people have pride so big that they can’t do it. I have so much repect for gals like you! 🙂
First- You had an amazing father.
2nd- You are an amazing woman. Thank you for taking the stigma off taking anti-depressants.
3rd- Glad to hear you are doing so well.
Hey Summer, don’t feel bad about your predisposition that was deposited into your genes from both sides. You can not help that BUT you can help yourself and you have. (YEA) I, being a very, very happy person, also has the depression issue coupled with anxiety and I take my “I-can-see-the-light-at-the-end-of-tunnel” pill daily and I am a better person for it. So what if all the people who just don’t get it, think we are weak. We are only weak when we don’t admit that WE NEED HELP!! Love ya, girl
Auntie ROOOOOOOchellE
I had NO idea what you had been through! You are such a star now! I’m glad to hear that you were able to overcome everything!
My husband has dealt with anxiety problems, much like you are describing, he lost a BUNCH of weight, would just generally FREAK out, and had the anxiety poos. THAT IS NO JOKE. He finally got on Zoloft and is SO much better. He is trying to wean off of it right now.
P.S. I am lexapro and a much better person for it! 🙂
I have battled with anxiety for a long time without the help of medication. I think having my son elevated things and now I am pregnant with my second. I told my hubby that I might need to go on something after she is born because I can’t function as a giant ball of stress. Thanks for sharing your story. :o)
You are so lucky to have found doctors you can trust and who listen to you as well as prescribe you the correct medicine.
I would probably do SO much better if I would give in and see someone about these ‘funks’ but I’m scared. My dad went to see someone over the “funks’, was put on a cocktail of meds and– long story short– ended up more depressed than he went in and committed suicide. Um, yea, gotta love keepin’ it light…
BTW, nice guns!
Can I just say how much I admire your courage to be so honest on a such a public forum such as the internet??? You have the cajones to openly talk about your poo, for pete’s sake. And for that, you rock. Seriously. I’m very proud of you for not being ashamed of what works for you – rock it, girl!!
xoxo J
I’m a lifer too. Which ones are you on? I’m on Paxil and Xanax. I really can’t even tell you how much it has helped me. I know you already know anyhow. P.S. I totally get the anxiety poo also. You would think the not eating and all the pooing would help with the weight loss. hmmm.
There is no shame in taking medication. People take antibiotics to heal infection, don’t they? Same applies.
Weak?! You’re strong for a) helping yourself and b) posting this.
I too, have anxiety and have been on ADs on and off since I was about 7. So not only did I love reading this post, I related.
Thank you.
This is a bit of a soap box for me as well. I can’t stand the stigma that is attached to having mental illness. People with cancer would never be told to just suck it up and get better but people with depression and other mental illnesses are told this all the time.
My mom suffers from depression, my Dad suffers form depression, my sister suffers from depression and I had a bit of post-partum depression after the triplets.
Depression is a REAL illness that needs treatment. Any one who says or feels other wise is lying or in denial.
But I feel that I am preaching to the choir. I will get down and perhaps make my own post about this someday.
Unfortunately I can relate all too well to your past and present. Is’t it funny how misery loves company- that is to say: it is so comforting to know that you aren’t the only one.
I am going a homeopathic route and it does the trick for the most part. I have to put more effort into not being depressed than I did with real prescriptions, but I am not in a fog.
I know what the lowest of the low looks like and it is always good news to me to hear someone found something that works for them.
Yea for you! And way to write it out, I have tried putting all of that into words but I am left wanting, you wrote it well.
Very good post. There should be no shame in gettting help.
As I’ve said, I tend toward anxiety. And when I feel anxious, I don’t eat. Who doesn’t eat? Isn’t that crazy?!! And I didn’t even realize what was the problem. Because each time I got pregnant my hormones rebalanced and I felt great. But about 6 months after giving birth the hormones changed and it was difficult for me to eat again. Since I have 5 kids, the sea-sawing kept me from really understanding what was going on and how big of a problem it was. But after my last, I was like, I don’t care if I have to be on a pill for the rest of my life I want to be able to EAT!!! It only took 6 weeks on the lexapro but I will be grateful for the rest of my life and if I needed it I would do it again.
I still have to be very careful when I feel anxious because I think I actually change my own hormones if I feel overly anxious. It’s never something that will NEVER happen again. It requires a lot of self awareness to avoid anxiety for me. But at least the lexapro balanced me enough that I could feel normal. And it is so much more possible to stay feeling normal once you actually feel that way.
thank you thank you thank you for that post summer. you rock, hardcore. i feel you and i get the family history stuff. and i too think your father was amazing for getting you help right away when you were young. i know too many families (all too well) where that doesn’t happen / doesn’t work.
whenever i’m having a hard time i read your blog (well, i like to read it when things are good too!) and it always eases the loneliness just enough to let me smile. 🙂
Really love this post. I too am a “lifer” and I have a terrible doctor right now that thinks I should try talk therapy. Never mind that I have tried that for, oh, about 12 years of my life. And it helped not at all really. Happy pills have helped, but recently the same pills that helped started provoking bad anxiety and lack of sleep. He has now given me something for sleep but nothing to help the major depression I have constantly in life (thank God my life is very calm right now or I would be off the deep end and in a padded room STAT). I’m so glad you found a good doctor. It really makes all the difference in the world!
Well said.
If the heart is malfunctioning, one would think nothing of taking meds to fix it…but there is a stigma about mental health.
My meds saved my marriage and my husband called me a lifer, too.
Only I put on 40 pounds….how’s you avoid that?
Its so important, we take drugs to fix everything else…we must get over the fear of antidepressants. Thank you for sharing, I’ve been there too.
um, I’m really glad you mentioned anxiety poo. ..because to me, that’s the absolute worst part about it all …because then I get freaked out about leaving the house and it having to happen …which creates more anxiety. I’m okay now …even though on occasion and especially around my period it threatens me but it used to be bad. I constantly wonder if I should go back on the meds ..although I do smoke a lot of weed … 😉 self medicating I suppose but I really only do it at home so now I just feel social anxiety. it’s so lame.
So far, I haven’t felt the need for AD medications. I do have a problem sleeping though. It’s getting worse and worse as the weeks go on. I have an appointment scheduled the first week of October to have a physical. I’m starting there.
Wonderful post here…it’s great to get it out there and really share your heart.
Thank you. 🙂
I found your blog on the Blog Frog and when I read this post, I felt like I was reading about my own life. Although every visit I’ve ever had with a doctor, they tell me that nothing is wrong with me. YEAH RIGHT. My closest friends call me partially agoraphobic, and its true, I am afraid of leaving my house, and the anxiety poo completely rules my life. How do you deal now, what did the doctors do? I am absolutely desperate to get help, but don’t know where to turn.
Totally ironic that I would read this today..Today is the day way back when I was in highschool that I was raped and lost my virginity.
I may be doing a post about it today..not sure.
I totally connected with everything you wrote girl. It’s SO TRUE. I was on medication for quite a few years. I remember the first few months bawling. Not in sadness but complete joy. I could NOT believe that this was how it ‘was’..having a ‘normal’ mind. One that was not irrational 24/7, that I didn’t struggle with such foreboding thoughts 24/7, that I wasn’t screaming and yelling and acting like a complete insane person….
I found when I started to share that I was taking medication, SO many others opened up to me. There still is such a stigma attached that so many people don’t share…That of course hasn’t been my problem,,lol. I share way too much…
((hugs))