There was a time when sleep was elusive. I wanted it, hoped for it, and yet it hid from me. A game of hide and seek I didn’t want to play.
Night after night I hoped for the darkness to take over my racing thoughts and mind, and instead it was as though the brightest light shone inside my head causing me to toss and turn, kick my antsy legs, and flail my arms this way and that.
The days became difficult and challenging, the nights were something I feared.
Beware, he said, this could mean it’s coming back.
It was something I didn’t want to experience again.
There was this pill and that pill, both the same yet different. Both working in it’s own unique way. They masked the problem, but the it was still looming. And one of the side effects, the best friend of my youth, began taunting me.
The it I had hoped to never experience again.
The decisions came upon each sunset, should I risk it for sleep? Oh, how I wanted sleep. I took the pill.
The endless nights lacking lucious sleep, the tossing and turning, the wanting and not having, the inability to do what everybody else can do so easily….
In just a matter of time, he was right. Only this time the experience was far worse and frighteningly unfamilar.
My mind gave in, not being able to take a second more. Not strong enough. Not well enough.
Another pill. Another month. Another hope of rest dashed.
Another pill. Another prayer or a thousand. And slowly….a glimmer.
Hope in the little things.
Hope in just one night of falling asleep on my own. Hope in being able to shower and get dressed. Hope in a laugh escaping from my lips. Hope in an hour of feeling like me. Hope, that even though, in just this one moment I am ok, that maybe the next time will be twice as long.
Here I am again, playing that game now two years later. Two years of healing, two years of living on hope and prayers and a little white pill.
And sleep is playing it’s clever little game with me. I know now, this is where it begins. But this is Round 2.
First Round you almost had me. I had no knowledge, no power, no hope.
But I was not defeated then and I will not be now. My thousand prayers, my pill, and my knowledge are with me ever so close this time around. I come guarded, yet not afraid.
Or in other words…
Insomnia sucks, but not more than anxiety. And yet the two are best friends, loving to pull one along with the other.
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
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Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment! God bless! My husband suffers from Insomnia. It’s not easy to deal with as you already know.
Funny you should write about this on the day after my first bout with insomnia. I’ve had some anxieties, but last night I did not sleep a wink. Any suggestions on over the counter assistance?
Insomnia has always been a problem for me. Needless to say pregnancy doesn’t make it any better. When I find myself wide awake at my morning wake up call time (4:30am) I just get up, go watch tv or read. It makes me sleepy again (most of the time). Also, Sleepy Time Tea helps! Good luck 🙂
I can no longer sleep without pills. But I’m down to the “normal” dose now. It was totally getting out of hand. I need them to shut my brain off. I can SO feel your pain!!
Hugs!
Sorry you’re not sleeping well, I hope Round 2 goes better for you and you can feel like yourself again!
You are amazing and are in my prayers for peaceful sleeping, pill free nights in the near future!
This has got to suck. Sorry. I wish that I had more to say, something thoughtful, something helpful but I don’t. I will just send you a ((((hug))))
Insomnia totally sucks…I can’t function without a decent night of sleep, since I’m not in my teens anymore and all…hehehe…
I suffer from insomnia too, it bites! I cant shut my brain down and usually I spend hours thinking about completely off the wall things, and then of course suffer the next day
I know we have talked about this before.
It has reared it’s ugly head for me again this year too, and just this month my doctor has switched meds in hopes of calming the anxiety down.
Yes, playing the sleep/pill game too.
Just keep praying, and and trying and thanking God for our wonderful husbands and lives, and beating this thing day by day.
oh my! going through the same thing… feels so lonely..especially when everyone else is snoring…ughh
I am having a sleep study in a couple of weeks. who knows what that means???
Aw, Summer, I’m so sorry… Sending hugs your way and hoping sleep finds you tonight.
I don’t know. Anxiety and insomnia would definitely aid and abet each other. I know a woman who has both … she gets a lot done. I just get anxiety and I guess to balance it out I would sleep. Not very effective in getting anything done. I’m not dealing with it today, but I have to be careful to learn how to help avoid it from getting bad. I can’t imagine the insomnia one though. That would drive me crazy!!! I hope that it is a passing trial for you.