I laugh in the face of birth plans…
Because mine was all about the epidural. I didn’t want to feel a thing, I wanted to look cute with my makeup in place, and then hold a sparkling clean happy baby when all was said and done.
My first birth went somewhat like that, only they handed me a screaming baby when all was said and done. And while it was great and all that I didn’t feel a thing and my makeup stayed in place, I wasn’t quite a fan of the endless screaming that was going on. (Nor did I enjoy it the following three years after I brought him home either!)
So, with my second birth I made a pact with God. If he granted my birth plan, then I would never birth again….and if he didn’t, well, I would never birth again. (Always good to make a pact that benefits you either way.)
That time the epidural took quite well….on my left side. But, my right side, oh it literally wanted to die. So, I clicked and clicked that button for more epi meds. So much so, that it ran out and I refused to push until I wasn’t feeling a thing. They called in the anesthesiologist and I begged for my life. I may have slipped her a hundred or so, but I can’t remember. Everything was a little hazy at that moment. Anyway, she agreed to give me more, and within twenty minutes my left side was even more numb than before. Yet, my right side wanted to get up and walk away from the hell it was feeling.
Along with that fun, I got sick. Right as I began to push. Like the kind of sick where you are throwing up so hard you think you will die. So I began promising God I would never drink again, I mean birth again, if he would just take it away. He didn’t. And so, I birthed my daughter in a pile of my own puke, not to mention that the right side of my who-ha had taken one for the team.
So when I hear birth plan. I laugh. And I think I hear God laugh too.
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
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Ohhh nooo. That sounds awful. AWFUL. It would be my worst case birth scenario if you had youknowwhat yourself during the process as well. That’s another underlying fear of mine. I’m telling you… adoption is looking better and better!
Have you reminded me to use effective birth control lately?
Ohhhh yuck!
I didn’t have a birth plan either. I knew I would get an epi. Originally I wanted a c-section, but then decided to try it the natural way with an epi. The worst experience of my life was getting that needle in my back. I seriously feel sick ever time I think about it! With my first born, it was okay – took about 15 minutes, but finally, I was numb and I loved it. Makeup in place. Easiest labour ever. The whole experience, less painful then a Brazilian wax.
With my second baby, I’m pretty sure my epi guy hadn’t even graduated from med school yet. It took him something like 45 minutes to get the needle in me. I had 8 puncture wounds in my back! He came around to tell me he was having a hard time with it… with blood all over his hands… THANKS for that!
Argh. Anyway… Other than that – greatest and fastest labour ever. 😉
My girls came to early in the morning for makeup, but definitely had to get those epis! Still was not easy, apparently my girls really liked it in there because they didnt wan to come out!
I cussed at the Anesthesiologist because she told me “Ill be back in 20 mins with your Epi”. That didn’t fly too well with someone who can’t even stand to have a headache. I can’t remember it, but my husband said I screamed, “Where the f*ck is the anesthesiologist???!” She sure as heck didn’t wait 20 minutes to come back that’s for sure.
OH MAN! I had that happen with the Diva. I have a twist in my spine and they think it was misplaced, but by the time they “realized” it was all wrong, it was time to push. Pushed for about an hour, with an idiot nurse asking “where does it hurt?” UMMM ARE WE IN THE SAME ROOM, CAUSE IF YOU CANT SEE THE 8 LB BABY COMING OUT AND FIGURE OUT WHERE IT HURTS THEN YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO MED SCHOOL!
They called it a window, I called it shotty needle skills. With tiny goat, it was perfect, and bliss. Except that go around the nurses kept telling me to tough it out. When my doctor made it in, he asked why I would tough it out and I told him they told me that I needed to wait. He said they were stupid, and I said, I love you Dr. W. It went seamless and at that point I could see having a ton more kids. God Bless Anestesialogists, well the good ones at least.
I have the same reaction to birth plans. The only plan with giving birth you should have is non.
Ok, this is too funny. How did I not know this?
Oh my. Note to self: get another dog. 🙂
I too laugh in the face of birth plans or any kind of plan that involves children. Those kind of plans rarely work out the way you thought they would. The birth of my second child went a little like yours, except for the fact that I got 3 epidurals and neither of them took…Yeah and can you believe I had a #3!!
I’m glad I had two c-secs. Of course, I was totally paranoid both times that I’d feel the knife cutting me but I didn’t feel a thing. Luckily I had to have the c-secs because of previous fibroid surgery so I didn’t have to feel guilty about it or make a decision either way. Of course maybe as punishment, my twins were colicky. We’ll never know.
This might not have been the post for a TTCer to read, LOL!
Birth plans do seem a bit silly though since it seems the only one that ever really has a plan is the one coming out!
At least we know they all made it up to you when you got to hold them in your arms!
oh my goodness!!! is that a common reaction – to just have one side of your body take to the epidural??!?
now i’m afraid to have children!
xox
i had no birth plan or birthing classes. your post brought back memories of my son’s birth. these memories have been given to me by family members since i have no recollection of anything that day. i got some pills the minute i was admitted, and the epidural came quickly since i was only in labor 5hours. i didn’t wake up from my “haze” until hours later. i do remember puking into a pan multiple times during labor. that was super fun! take care.
-Kiki
That is so awful!
I thought with my first that I would try it natural. Until the contractions became unbearable. I think I would have passed out. Or died, without the epidural.
With my last child the epidural took but I felt totally like throwing up for most of the time.
But I can’t complain. Because at least I didn’t throw up!