slave to the scale | body image struggles
She looked in the mirror and what she saw was not good.
Her eyes filled with tears,
and she turned away before they had a chance to fall.
I don’t know what happened. One day I had no idea what I weighed and I didn’t even care. I never worked out, I ate what I wanted and I was happy. I was secure.
Maybe it was being left by my ex for a super thin model…or maybe it was just me, something that was deep inside me just waiting to get out.
Whatever it was, one day it simply changed. I began to stare endlessly in the mirror and pick myself apart. From my head to my toes I found one thing after another that wasn’t the way it was “supposed” to look. And then the tears would fall, the oh so familiar tears.
All because I didn’t measure up to my idea of what I should be.
My brain became obsessed. It was all I thought about. Food, calories, working out, weighing in, eating, not eating, am I the thinnest? Am I “the weight?” I never starved myself. I never over exercised. I never made myself throw up. But as you will see, I was just as bad as anyone with an eating disorder.
December 13, 2003
My thoughts are catching up to me and I can see how damaging they have become and how intense it can get if I don’t stop it now. I am obsessed with my body/weight. I think about it almost more than anything else in the day. The other night I broke down in tears because I felt awful that I haven’t been successful at achieving perfection when it comes to my body. My poor husband tries to tell me he is happy with me the way I am, but I’m convinced he’s lying. He says I need to change my self image but I just can’t seem to. It sounds so much easier than it really is. I look in the mirror or at pictures of me and immediately I pick myself apart. Even as I write this I feel so convicted and ashamed. How can I spend so much time focusing on something that won’t last? When I don’t even spend half the time on something that will. My body obsession has totally taken importance over my relationship with God. How can I be so superficial and retarded? And the thing is, how do I change such ingrained habits? I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is I see so many bad patterns and I need help. I need hope.
October 16, 2005
…I’ve never felt so undesirable. It scares me a little when I look at skinny models who are obviously underweight, and my twisted mind thinks it’s beautiful. Am I on my way to an eating disorder? In my mind and thoughts I feel I already have one….only I don’t starve myself or make myself throw up. But truly, am I any different than those who do?
January 7, 2006
My heart is aching. I know I need to stop this. And yet, I’m beginning to avoid social situations because I’m too self conscious of how I look in my clothes. How sad am I? I spend more time trying and thinking about how to fix my body than I do caring and growing my mind and soul. I am not healthy. This is not right.
A year later, a darkness came over my world. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. And each time I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I shuddered. I’d finally achieved the gaunt look I lusted after and yet suddenly, I despised it. Needless to say, it was then that I received praise and adoration for how thin and how great I looked. Little did they know what was plauging me to achieve it.
And then something clicked. I’d had enough.
It was the beginning of change. A small change.
Then God gave me a daughter. And, I heard him saying, “Summer, it is time.”
I no longer see the super thin as desirable. I no longer want to be the skinniest. In fact, I feel sad for those I see struggling.
In no way have I arrived. But, I have changed paths. I’m walking a new way, and the further I get, the healthier I become.
I am healthy. I am content. That should be enough. So, it’s time I say goodbye to my scale. I will no longer be it’s slave.
I dare you to walk with me.
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
You know, it is something to look at who you are now, and see a beautiful, happy woman…it sounds like you had a long road to get here. Hope you are as happy as you look, you certainly deserve to be.
Jay
funny….the day I write about how awful I feel about my weight and my growing middle, you talk about getting rid of your scale. When I turned 32 my metabolism changed dramatically, and I went from super skinny to a size 6 in a matter of months. But because I would not buy size 6 clothes I feel fat and uncomfortable all the time. I have no idea what i weigh (we don’t have a scale) but I know I’ve changed. And I’m sad about it. I hope I can get over it and just be happy because the rest of my life is so awesome, and I could actually look ok…if I bought the correct size clothes.
Bless your heart. You are gorgeous, just the way you are, and I’m glad your daughter came along so that you could see YOU!!
Yayyyyy, Summer!
Just so you know, I think you have an amazing body, woman! And not like, “You look great… for having two kids.” You just look great!
I don’t ever use my scale…because I’m lazy! In fact I’m pretty sure it’s broken because it always says the same thing when I do manage to hop on it. I just feel when my body changes… I don’t want to know what the scale has to say about it!
ANNNYYWAY, You Go Girl!
I know how you used to feel. I still struggle with that everyday. The mirror is an enemy, and the scale is either friend or foe depending on the numbers it displays.
So glad to hear you’re working on the right path now. I only hope I can be that strong some day. 🙂
I really appreciate how candid you are in sharing what you did. That took some guts, and I think it’s awesome that you did that because there have got to be SO many women out there in the same boat and we all needed to hear what you had to say. I think I’ll be moving the scale to the garage tomorrow morning. I think that’s definitely one of my most favorite Tuesday’s Tributes ever.
You are so pretty… SOOOOO pretty… Do you know how pretty you are?!?!
You know, in high school I weighed 92 pounds. At 5-foot-five, 92 pounds got me a lot of looks, and most weren’t good, but I passed them off as normal. Good, even.
Then, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a reunion (not an official reunion, but a “gathering” of old pals I hadn’t seen in 2 or 3 years) and everyone EVERYONE commented on how I had finally put some meat on my bones, filled out, and how now I finally had a figure, and how now I didn’t look like an addict, and how they’d never known how sexy I could be…
I went home and CRIED MY EYES OUT. All I heard was “now you’re fat.” Over and over and EFFING OVER again… “NOW YOU’RE FAT.”
I’m still not over it (six years later). Really, I’m not. Part of me screams, “BOOBS ARE SEXY YOU DUMB ASS!” and the other part of me just wails at the thought of not being… well… an unhealthy stick figure like the ones I drew in kindergarden.
So I get it. I get that you are absolutely one of the most beautiful ladies out there, and still you feel like you’re not. I’ve never owned a scale, I just really super duper hate the ones at the doctors’ office. Sigh.
This comment offers absolutely no advice, I just realized. But… um… I get it. Totally. You’re HAWT. Period. The end.
I’m with you, let’s feel healthy vs. only happy with the what the scale gods say.
Summer it’s time.. Srsly. I’m with you.
I think that is an important post.
I’ve already said I’m not a fan of scales. And I realize that most men prefer more curve! Being beautiful is mostly an inside formula. For real. I’m not just saying that because I’m ugly or something. It’s just sad to see that women are trained by the media not to recognize our own beauty. If our husband says we look great, chances are we really do! Good for you to throw out the scale!
Scale is such a dirty word, a dirty 5 letter word. I too used to obsess over the scale. I have thought I was overweight my entire life, and though I really am now, I never was as a child/teen/young adult. I had a horrible body image, I developed early and I felt like an alien in my own body. Now I would give my right pancake boob to go back to that body!
(((HUGS))) I am so glad it “clicked”. Get rid of that nasty thing. And write the word beautiful across your mirror with lipstick 😉
God Bless.
What a great post Summer!
You have come along way and I hope you continue to keep moving foward with this. How brave of you to share this. Thank you.
Oh, wow, what a well written post. I am so with you. I have a lot of issues with my body that I did not have before. I have never been skinny; I’m a curvy girl and most of the time I like my body the way it is (or, rather, the way it was before I had kids)… I just can’t get myself to the gym, and I have such a hard time losing weight. I can do it if I am going on vacation – I just cut out the carbs – but once I eat carbs again I gain all my weight back! It’s very unhealthy. And getting rid of your scale is a brilliant idea. You look gorgeous, by the way. And happy. And that is what counts the most! I wish I had my flat abs I had before my two kids, but sometimes, I don’t mind.
Good riddance!
Summer, You are a beautiful person inside and out. This post is so personal and lots of us can relate to it. Thanks for such a great post.
I know a couple people that I wish would do this. I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I am too heavy but I am healthy. I am for the most part happy with myself and this is as good as its going to get.
Hey girlfriend 🙂
Love this entry!!!
I am with you on throwing out the scale!
Ohhhh Summer.
It’s so hard to be a girl. I think a lot of people read your blog and think you have it all. You’re a great writere, you’re beautiful, you are NOT overweight, and you have a beautiful family.
It just goes to show that even pretty people have insecurities. Believe me, I would know.
I can’t throw away my scale…I…just…can’t do it captain.
We need more time together….I’m almost at “The Weight”…more time…
go,go, go summer go! now what I am really curious about is why wait ’til April 17th????????????????
You know I understand, completely. I’m glad you’re doing ok now. I am SO glad. I don’t know why this happens to us.
Honestly – good for you! And … totally with you.
What’s a scale?
Thanks for the great post.
I like looking at you and all but my heart really liked your heart when I met you. 🙂 Keep this up, this is such an important message for our girls.