Not a month after graduation, I packed up my car and said a tearful goodbye to my family. While sad to be leaving them, I knew that this was exactly what I needed.

I rolled down the windows and blasted my music, and sang the entire drive to my new home.

Boise, as I mentioned….and as you might know, certainly isn’t California. In fact, it reminded me a lot of B town. Small and secluded. And nothing nothing nothing beyond it’s borders.

While I was feeling suffocated by yet another small town, my boyfriend must have been suffocating from having a girlfriend in the same town. Because not a week after I settled in, he settled up with another girl.

And so, we broke up.

Broken hearted and broke, I had to dig in my heels and save up another three months before I could move back home. Did I mention I was living with his sister?!? Ya, so that was fun.

I don’t know what hurt me more. Being cheated on, being alone in Boise, or knowing I had to go back to B town. A place I thought I had left for good.

But, go home I did. And when I got there, I gave up on everything and I began to make some bad choices. I’d partied a bit in high school, but now I took it to a new level. I made bad choices with friends, with boys, with life.

I was empty inside. I cried almost every night as I went home to my tiny apartment. I’d stare in the mirror and wonder who I had become.

After a year and half of this…I found myself at a party like all the rest. The night was a mess, drama ensued and I once again found myself at home wondering what had become of my life. Who were these people I was calling my friends? Who were these guys I was giving myself and my heart to?

So, in order to figure things out, I did the only thing that worked best for me. I sat down and wrote. I wrote for what seemed like hours. My fears, my regrets, my pain…my dreams, my hopes, and all my possibilities spilled from my pen into my journal. With every word written, came a million more tears. But, when it was all out, finally….so were my tears.

I felt resolve.

The next day my mom called. They had news that they would be moving to California. She’d been offered a job there and in just one month they would be packing up and leaving. I begged them to take me with them. To just let me live with them for one month, and I promised I would find a job and a place to live and be on my own. They agreed.

Elated…I began to make plans.

This time I was really going to leave. And this time, I would not be back….

I had fond memories of B town as a child. I loved my home, my neighbors, my life. Yet, when my parents marriage fell apart, I think so did my feelings about the small town I was living in.

Suddenly I didn’t feel at home there. It just didn’t seem to fit me. And I began dreaming of a way out at the young age of 12.

I see a little girl who loves to snuggle up with what gives her comfort and makes her safe…

Ready to go back in time with me?

Here’s one of my very first posts back when I was starting my blog. It’s all a part of Deb’s First Post Friday, but since my first post is mostly an introduction, I thought I’d go to the first real post that involved thought out writing and that wasn’t poetry. Although, I was torn between the post below and this poem, which is special to me especially because of the one comment it received.

Okay, so you can click here for the original post, or read if you’re feeling lazy, just read below:

*toleration, acceptance, sufferance

*a disposition to tolerate or accept people or situations*

*The exercise of love, kindness, mercy, favor; disposition to benefit or serve another; favor bestowed or privilege conferred.

You know how sometimes the same word keeps popping up in conversations or in the things you’re reading or suddenly there just basically seems to be a theme to your week/month/year?

That’s how my last week has been with “Acceptance.”

I’ve noticed that it’s so easy to look at everyone else and find what’s wrong in them. We can easily see what needs fixing and how they can better themselves and their lives. And frankly, many of us, given the chance, would jump at the offer to extend our opinions if only we knew they would listen. But, what we don’t realize is that they aren’t us. And we aren’t them. We can never fully understand all the dynamics that make that person who they are. Only God really knows all of that, and only God can really change them. But the tough part is it’s only when He’s ready and more importantly when THEY are ready to change.

I learned this somewhat in my relationship with my dad. He was an amazing man, but he definitely had issues. (Don’t we all???) For so long I was constantly disappointed with and in him because he wasn’t acting or doing what I thought he should be. I don’t know that I would call it judgement, but I just felt I knew there was a better way. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why he just didn’t make different choices, or better yet, ask me what I thought he should do. 😉 At some point though, something changed in me. I realized he was who he was. And it was really up to me. I could make one of two choices. Either love him and accept where he was in his life, or let him go. It wasn’t easy, and it broke my heart sometimes, but I choose the first. I didn’t want to lose him and the value he added to my life simply because he wasn’t living up to my expectations.

Since my dad passed away I’ve had plenty of other opportunities to practice this lesson over and over again. Sometimes I think I do well, but often I seem to fail. I guess the Lord must want me to be working on it even more so right now because it keeps coming up.

I know that I am so far from perfect. God still (very obvious to most) has a lot of work and growing to do in me and my life. I make mistakes, I hurt people when I don’t mean to, I can be selfish…on and on the list can go. But, I also know that I desire to be better. I want to grow. I am totally open and willing to allow God to work in and through me so that I can be the person he intended me to be. But, in the meantime, I want those in my life and those who will come into my life, to love me despite the blaring faults. I want to be loved right where I am in my process of life. And if I want that for myself, I need to be sure that I am extending that same grace (isn’t that what acceptance is?) to others.

Loving others where they are.

Allowing God to work in them they way He has planned, no matter how long the journey seems to be taking.

Always searching for the good in people rather than focusing on the bad.

Having hope, but setting boundaries.

Knowing that most people are doing the best they can.

When we can do these things, we will be able to enjoy relationships so much more. We will be able to finally see the person as God sees them. And we can take all those judgements and toss them out the door.

And so far, thats where I am in this whole learning process. Guess I should get going and start practicing…

© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”

Last year I thought New Years Resolutions were cheesy. Oh ya, I got on that bandwagon. But, I’ve since jumped off. In fact, this year I feel as though there is something really magical about the New Year. It’s this feeling of hope that things can and will be different. It’s a fresh start. A blank slate. And it’s bringing about a little bit of excitement. I actually think I like the idea of resolutions.

Now I know reading my own resolutions may not be all that interesting to you, but since this is my blog, and I tend to go back and read what I’ve written….I’m writing it all out in hopes that I will actually follow through.

Here’s (in no random order) what I hope to accomplish in 2009:

Okay, now I’m off for a little outpatient surgery! Anesthesia + pain meds = Fun times. I’m telling you, I know how to bring in the New Year!

Happy New Year!

P.S. I am feeling MUCH better. Whew. Although awful, it was short lived. Thank you again for all your love, encouragement and prayers!

© 2008 “Le Musings of Moi”

All my blogging life I’ve waited for this day!

I’ve been featured on The Secret is in the Sauce, a website that highlights women bloggers. Sits has allowed me to find some super funny, incredibly inspirational, and amazingly stylish bloggers that I have come to love and read every day. I’ve learned a lot from them and the community they’ve built, and that has gone directly into my life and has especially affected my writing.

So, who am I?

Well, now that I’m growing up and in less than one week going to be 30, I can finally say I’m starting to just figure that out myself.

To start, you can read this and this…

Want more?

Okay, I like to cry, but I love to laugh. I’m super feisty most of the time, and sensitive all of the time. I don’t hold back too often, but it’s never at the expense of another person. I love being lazy, but I can’t stand not having something to do. Sometimes I share more than you’d want to know, but at least what you see is what you get.

I talk about poop and I don’t get grossed out. I burp and I feel proud.

I can get super serious and deep, then flip the switch and be silly and shallow. (But not in a bi-polar type of way!)

I love shopping. Sometimes it’s for the house when I’m in redecorating mode, other times it’s for clothes, or shoes, or jewelry, or purses…or all of the above all at once. When I’m feeling fat, I then really focus on shopping for my kids. If I can’t look cute, at least they do! This week I’m spend happy on makeup and skin care. Just got the the new LOREAL Double Extend Mascara. (It’s awesome!) And trying out Roc Retinol Deep Wrinkle Night Cream, since I am seeing some serious lines starting to form.

Other loves and quirks (in no particular order):

dancing (not the pole kind…but the girls night out kind.)

working out (it’s my way of feeling strong and healthy)

reading (books, blogs & stacks of magazines!)

going out (to eat, to Target, to TJ Maxx…or da club, whatever. I just like to get out!)

karaoke (in my own living room…thanks Oxygen!)

writing/blogging (hence, the blog.)

posing for every single picture ever taken of me (ask anyone who has ever taken one. It’s a problem to some, but I just can’t help it. It makes them so much more fun to look back on.)

reality tv (it’s an addiction)

performing (this kind of goes with the above, but different. acting, singing (in my car), accents, center of attention type stuff. Mostly just for family and very close friends of course. Lucky them!)

eating (love it, need it.)

sweets (daily, or I’ll die.)

Okay, all this you just learned? It’s really just the basics. A little Summer 101. To really know me, you have to get familiar with my blog. Go on over to the right and you will see a list of words. This is the index of my soul. Well actually it’s the index of my blog, but you know, it’s kind of the same thing! Wanna know my thoughts on something, click on word that appeals to you.

I hope you laugh, I hope you cry, I hope you learn, I hope you can help (Lord knows I need it!)…But most of all, I hope you come back again!

Hugs…Summer

© 2008 “Le Musings of Moi”

I’ve been chosen yet again in this bloggy game called tag, but this time I get to share 7 little tidbits about me…

Are you on the edge of your seat or what? I’m not even going to think ahead on this one. To make it really exciting, I’m going with whatever comes to mind right away. I’m crazy like that!

1.) I am as blind as a bat. Or as blind as a 90 year old. In fact when I go to the eye doctor, he is always amazed that my prescription really belongs to me. I can’t tell you how many times they double check my file. Sad.

2.) I chew more on my right side than my left. I just had a dentist appt last Monday where I found this out. She knew by the state of my gums. Ever since, I’ve noticed that she’s actually right. So, I’m trying to chew more on the left than the right to make them even.

3.) I’m a night person. I feel way more alive and chatty the last half of the day than the first half. It’s always been this way, and even with kids, it still is. I thank the Lord for the night time….(it’s a song, sing with me….)

4.) I shave every day. I hate the feeling of stubble and I can’t go a single day without giving my legs the attention and shaving they deserve.

5.) I am a sheets snob. Thanks to my sisters, I have learned that there is nothing better than climbing into the softest sheets that only a high thread count can bring. We just wore a hole in our favorite set, so I’m on a new search for more. Any suggestions?

6.) I’m not a dog person, and I have a dog. Doesn’t make any sense. I’m his person too, which is ever so much fun.

7.) I’m a beauty school drop out. I quit right before I was about to finish. Two years of apprenticing and school right out the window. The deal breaker? I had to massage a mans head that had calcium deposits all over it. The next client after him had head smell like none other….and then I realized….I hate heads. I love hair. So, I moved on. Maybe one day I’ll go back.

There, do you feel closer to me now?

I think most people have already been tagged in this fun and exciting game, but if you haven’t, then TAG! You’re it!

© 2008 “Le Musings of Moi”

You got that title, right? Fergie…the song. Right???

So, I was tagged once on my other blog by my friend Rachel awhile ago to do this. And then about a month ago, I was tagged on here to do almost the same thing. I totally forgot, what with being consumed with pregnancy and everything, so I’ve scheduled this to go out while I’m vacation.

Okay, here goes:

1. I have an incredible sense of smell. It’s creepy almost. Take for example the other night when I got home from HurryDate. I was sitting across the room from Jimmy and suddenly got this whiff of alcohol. I jerked my head up and asked if he had been drinking. He just laughed (he’s used to my nose….) and couldn’t believe it. Apparantly he had a small glass of wine about two hours before I had come home. He’d even eaten dinner and brushed his teeth since and I still smelled it. It’s not just alcohol either, and it’s not just when I’m pregnant. (Although in pregnancy, it’s soooo much worse!)

2. When I’m reading a really good book and I’m totally into it, I sometimes forget that the characters aren’t real. Like once after reading The Kite Runner, I was in bible study. Somehow what we were talking about made me think of the main character and what he had gone through. I was literally just about to open my mouth to share his experience before common sense kicked in and reminded me it was not, in fact, real. Oh my, this quirk is kinda sad. 😉

3. My closet is organized by color. And no, I don’t have OCD….other issues, yes, just not OCD. I just think it looks so much more organized and plus I can find what I want to wear pretty quickly. And by quickly I of course mean that in girl standards.

4. I only enjoy talking on the phone when I’m driving. This one is more recent since having Taylor, but for some reason when my phone rings and I’m anywhere but the car, I don’t much feel like talking. Get me in the car though…especially on a long drive, and I’m so chatty you can’t shut me up.

5. I got this one from my sister, Malia. But, I cringe when I hear people say “good” when they should say “well.” For instance, “I slept good last night,” is not correct. It should be, “I slept well last night.” Or another one, when people pronounce “BOTH” with an “L”. It sounds like, “Bolth.” Ugh, that one drives me nuts too.

6. I could never get into coffee. I tried, but it never took. I do, however, quite enjoy a nice cold Diet Soda first thing in the morning. As soon as I get out of bed, I go straight to the fridge, get my soda and a breakfast bar, and then all is good in my world.

And there are the first six of many many quirks.

© 2008 “Le Musings of Moi”