the truth is…

The truth is…
{what my last few weeks have taught me}

~ I’m not being so Rocky about my workouts and eating after all.  It seems there is something about my mid 30’s that has taken all my willpower out of me.  And now I have more weight to lose yet I don’t want to diet because I like to eat.  It’s just that my insecurities are out of control which cause me to cry….A LOT…and it’s time to figure out how to get my healthy back and stay there.

~ I cry A LOT the week before my period.  To those of you who had to witness that, I’m sorry.  But thank you deep from my soul for listening.

~ I love love love homeschooling.  But, maybe that’s because I have no idea what the heck I’m doing most of the time.  But my family is closer.  My kids are more affectionate.  My husband is even more my best friend than he’s ever been.

~ I sometimes think I may have made a mistake in homeschooling.  What if he ends up not being as smart as he could be?  What if I start yelling more and more?  What if, what if, what if???

~ We are two weeks into escrow of selling my cute little dream house.  I love this house.  But we realized we aren’t cut out to be home owners at this point in our life.  I’m excited for the change but will miss the memories and growth we experienced in our little “tree house.”

~ Even though we’re two weeks into escrow, we don’t know for sure where we will be living in two and a half weeks.  We haven’t even packed.  I will be moving in two and a half weeks, maybe, and I don’t even know where.  We have a place we love, but now we wait while they decide which family they love most.  My heart may break if they don’t choose us.  I wish I knew that we had them at “hello.”  Maybe I should bring flowers?  Okay, no.  I do know enough to realize that is borderline stalking.  It’s okay, living in our car won’t be so bad.  On the bright side, we’ll save a TON of money.

~ I’m in this awesome (ongoing) place of finding out more about myself.  I am seeing things more clearly.  I’m even understanding friends and friendships with a fresh perspective.  It’s comforting and a little sad, but something I needed to grasp.  But, it’s incredible because my eyes and heart are now open to those I know are true.  Faults and all, they are true.

~ My whole life is changing.  There is incredible stress.  But I am not panicking. There is NO anxiety.  And I realize, at last, there has been healing.  Thank you sweet Jesus, for healing.

~ Finally, I keep going back to these words, “…living a surrendered life…” spoken by an incredible woman I call Mama Gayle.  I want to live those words.  Without even trying.

What are your truths?

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”

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i could never….homeschool

With all this homeschooling talk lately, it’s time I share with you how and why I came to this place….when I was so so so the last person on earth to ever consider this.

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Let’s just start at the beginning….
I blame the Duggars.

Actually, the initial blame (or would that be thanks?) goes to one of my best friends Bethany who first TOLD me about the Duggars.

And so I started watching and at first I was kind of confused at the long dress wearing styles and lack of television watching they had going on.  So not me, I instantly thought.

I could never….

But then I continued to watch in utter fascination.
They were happy.
Strong in their faith.
Their family was close, and they were intelligent.
But, more than smart, they cared for others.
They weren’t so self focused, and instead each of them had a heart to help and reach out to and beyond their community.

And they loved their mom.

I wanted that for my kids.
I wanted that for me.

But I can be a yeller.
I can sometimes have very little patience.
And I have always longed for the day they would both be in school and I could get back to me.
Besides.
I didn’t want them in a christian bubble.
I wanted to “teach them to swim, so that one day when they found a body of water they wouldn’t drown.” {from Going Public}

And so I continued to watch the Duggars with every ounce of admiration I had, but resolved in my heart that God had a different path for me and my kids.

I could never….

Still, I ordered some of the Character Booklets they had used, you know, to try out in our free time.

That was three years ago.

Around that time two of my best friends started to homeschool their kids the traditional way….much in the way the Duggars do it, only with a lot less kids.  (so far)
And wouldn’t you know it, their kids were also kind of incredible.
And their families were close.
And while they definitely had tough days, it seemed so worth it to them.

I admired them for making the sacrifice, but it wasn’t for me.
Taylor wasn’t the kind of kid who could handle me teaching him.
Besides.
He was absolutely blossoming in public school.
I was convinced it was good for my friends, but God had other plans for me.

I could never….

Still, I kept watching the Duggars and I kept looking over those Character booklets I secretly had tucked away.

A year or two later, four more of my close friends began to homeschool as well.
Only they each had a different way of doing it.
Some were going through charters, some online, and some just doing it in a way that simply worked for them.
And their families were close.
And they seemed to have something so many other families didn’t.

I longed for that.
I felt my family was missing something.
It just definitely wasn’t homeschooling!
That was never my calling.
Maybe it was time for family mission trips.
Or Awanas.
Or more community service.
Anything other than homeschooling.

I could never….

But the more I talked to different people, the more I realized….it wasn’t a cookie cutter situation.
And it definitely wasn’t what I had always pictured homeschooling to be…
And being that I am not so much a cookie cutter girl, I became even more intrigued.

A few months later, I found myself at lunch with my friends Candace and Emmy.
We were discussing our lives which led to the discussion of raising our own children.
Candace began talking about how she felt she had missed so many important years with her daughter just always thinking she had plenty of time.
Now suddenly her oldest was in High School, and time was slipping through her fingers.

My eyes began to burn with tears and my heart began to race.

I could never….

God began to speak to me.
Quietly…
I’m sure because he knows I’m prone to anxiety.

A few weeks later, our worship pastor pre-released his worship cd and on it was a song called Mama.

When I had first heard it in church a year or two before, I listened to it with a heavy heart.
My thoughts went immediately to the broken relationship with my mom, and my familiar pity party surrounding that began.
“I wish I had a mom like that.  It’s not fair.  And how sad for Jimmy too, he doesn’t have that mom either….”
As my tears spilled, I decided as lovely as it was, I didn’t think I could hear it ever again.

This time when I heard it, since God had already been whispering to me, I heard it with a new heart.

From the day that I was born
And my very first cry
You held me in your arms
And you showed me what Christ is like

I just wanna say, thank you
I just need to say, that I love you

Momma, your love will shine when all is dark outside
Your love will echo on through all my life
Momma, your love, comes from knowing Jesus Christ
And I know, that you love me,
Momma

Through those tough young years of life
Though I pushed you held me close
You never left my side
There’s nothing I could do that, would make you let go

Chorus:

Bridge:
And now I know that same love
Cause you first showed it to me
So be joyful because
He is making me complete

My heart was softened and I knew something was changing.
I didn’t know what, I only knew God was going to do something big with me.

And without much thought, I grabbed my kids, played it again, and the three of us slow danced together around my bedroom.
I sang my heart out with tears filling my eyes, and when it was done I thought:
“I may not have that kind of mom, but I can be that mom.  It’s not to late….”

And as I finished that thought, Taylor whispered….
“Mama, we know that’s how you are with us.  I love you so much.”

And then God started speaking louder.

Days later a broken friendship was restored by the grace of God, and lo and behold she also had begun homeschooling her own 4 children.
Her story was just like all the others I had heard, and she sweetly spent hours talking to me on the phone answering all my questions and concerns and fears.
And when I hung up.
I knew.

God was nearly shouting.

“Never say never…”

Still, I needed open doors.

I like change.
Sometimes.
But mostly?
I prefer the comfort of what’s familiar and what’s working.

And at that moment it felt like a time in my life where comfort seemed easiest….and so it was up to God to show me just where to go from there.

If you read this post, you can see how he did exactly that.
And now here I am.

A homeschoolin’ mama.

And in a world I know not much about, other than it really does feel right.
It’s scary.
But it’s right.

It’s a calling….this I am sure.

And when God calls…
I mean shouts and then lovingly shoves you through a door, you have no choice but to obey and go.
And you trust.

Every day I trust.

And that is my journey to here.

I blame (on hard days) and thank (on good days) each and every one of you who helped the Lord speak so clearly into my life…even when you didn’t realize you were.

And would you believe this?
I even decided to start an online support group for homeschoolin’ mamas on facebook, because I needed it.

Now I have a community.
Another place for me to say and hear….”me too.”

Turns out, we all need that.
Because in just three weeks, already we are up to 130 members.
130 women who are honest and encouraging and brave and my heros.

And now here I am.
Home.
My foreign home.
And ever so slowly I am learning the language.

God will provide.
He always does.

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© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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it’s what i wore out: fresh produce

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{not missing the blonde anymore! yay!}

what i’m wearing…
what it seams skirt: fresh produce ~ this is by far the most comfy skirt ever!  and every time i wear it, I get so many compliments! it’s been a definite go to item over the summer, and this winter i plan on pairing it with some boots so that it’ll work year round!
sandals & top: tj maxx

This what I wore post is sponsored by….
{meaning they provided me with my choice of clothing.}
Fresh Produce!
{funny story…I actually applied to work there years and years ago while in beauty school!}

Fresh Produce Logo in Blue

Fresh Produce is co-founded and still run by a mom entrepreneur, Mary Ellen Veron and is primarily made in the USA.  
{gotta love a company run by a mom!}
You can find their clothing sold in Fresh Produce stores’ as well as more than 500 specialty retailers throughout the US and Caribbean.  

BUT….
They also now ship to over 200 countries, so women outside the US can enjoy the colorful styles, too. 
{this i love, because shopping online is a special kind of therapy that i so desperately need!!!}

You have to check out some of their stylish women’s comfy clothes that include skorts for women (i have and always will love these) and travel skirts (like the one I’m wearing in the pictures) that I’m sure you would adore.
{make sure to check out their kids clothing and accessories too.  i’m telling you, i had a hard time narrowing down my pick to one item.}

~~~~~~~

And on another note….

I (and my kids) survived another week of homeschooling!!!!

While I’m still reading and studying and trying to figure out exactly how all this works,
(I may or may not have started a private homeschooling support group on facebook)…
I definitely think I’m getting closer to…
Well….
Well, to what I don’t know, but closer to something that appears more “with it” I think.

I hope.

I even added blogging and checking emails (sorry if you’re waiting on me!!!) back into my weekly To Do list.
{one day of not checking is equaling to over 50 emails.  how is that even possible???}

So, just keep on praying…because I am finding that I am just not me if I’m not writing (doing therapy) on a daily basis.

Next week…
Next week will be even better.

And oh the things I have to share….the lessons I’m already learning….
I MUST WRITE!!!!

Next week.

xoxo

ps
never thought i’d ever add the tag “homeschooling” to my blog.
Oh how life has changed.
ha!

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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how i became a homeschoolin’ mama

{side note, totally unrelated: I already miss being blonde! ugh!}

Okay, so remember that video, um….a little less than a year ago?
Well now I am eating my words….and here’s the miraculous story of why.

*******


Something was different this year when I was preparing Taylor for school.
I just felt, I don’t know, a little more hesitant.
I found I was reluctant to buy school clothes and supplies…and actually decided I would wait till a few weeks after school started before doing so.

And then when I brought Taylor to school on that first day, I came home and felt….sad.

Okay, actually I came home and fell back to sleep while Chloe watched a movie, but when I woke up, then I started feeling sad.

It didn’t help much later in the day when Taylor came home and snuggled up to me to talk.

“Mom?” He asked. “You know how you were super excited for school to start?  Well…..I was thinking that maybe that was because you were excited to be away from me.”

Instantly my heart broke.

I held him tighter and tried to explain that my excitement was only because I was trying to help him feel feel less nervous.
He looked up at me with a big smile of relief and hugged me closer.

And suddenly, I felt this weird feeling I had never experienced before.
The need to keep him home.
The faint faint FAINT whisper that maybe I should consider more seriously the option of homeschooling.

I decided to instead begin praying for more than a whisper.
It was more of a SHOUT needed in order to get this mama to homeschool.

*******

I recall a certain conversation with Jimmy right after Taylor was born, when he sweetly suggested I consider praying about homeschooling one day.
To which I snapped back, “If you’d like to stay happily married to me, I suggest you consider praying about never asking me that again.”

Such a Proverbs 31 wife right there…

*******

Jimmy and I had actually, though, just started talking about it over this last summer but I had said that IF it were to happen it would likely be at least a year from now, and God would need to open wide the doors to make it abundantly clear.

And this is when things started to change…

*******

Last Thursday night, Jimmy and I decided that we would start praying together every night before bed.

And so I requested that we begin praying over the decision to homeschool Taylor.
I explained that I didn’t feel I could homeschool him full time, and that a charter school would be the perfect situation.
My only issue was that my #1 choice in charter schools had a program that had you start by homeschooling full time and then you could be placed on a waiting list for the program that included 2 full class days.
But from what I’d heard, that could be anywhere from months to years.

And, so I explained to Jimmy that since all of that seemed so overwhelming and impossible to me, it just seemed easier to keep him in school.
Only I didn’t want easier….I wanted what was right for Taylor and for our family.

And so we prayed…together.
That God would make it abundantly clear to us.
That doors would either open wide or close tight so that we would see either way, it was obvious God was involved.

And then we went to sleep…and God went to work.

*******

Early the next afternoon I decided to email the charter school I loved and simply ask questions about how homeschooling worked and how long the wait list looked to be.

Immediately I got a response…

“Actually, we have an opening for only that grade and if you could come by in the next few hours we can get him in the class day program right away.”

What?!?

I instantly started calling my friends whose kids attend the school and asked if that was even possible, and not one of them had ever heard of that happening….and each of them suggested I not even consider letting go of the opportunity.

I then called Jimmy who excitedly said he would leave work early to meet me there and we could talk with them together.

An hour later we were signing the papers and enrolling Taylor into the charter/homeschooling program beginning the very next day.
And as we signed the last paper, another teacher approached us and said…

“Perfect timing!  We are about to have our mandatory parent orientation for new students in 5 minutes if you guys are able to stay.”

As God would have it, actually, we could.

*******

Everyone in that orientation was starting on the homeschool program.
Every one of them on a wait list to get into the class days.

At the end of orientation, the teacher asked how long we had waited to get in.
And when my husband explained that we had just emailed the school only a few hours earlier and had actually never even considered homeschooling before…her mouth dropped.

She’d been there 11 years and said she’d never heard of that happening, and that we must have been meant to be here.

*******

So many more miracles proceeded to happen the following few days that proved God had opened wide the doors, and ever so lovingly shoved us through them.

~ When we told Taylor, he took it amazingly well.  And he even seemed happier and more loving with all of us the rest of the weekend.

~ The co-op I had wanted to be a part of was usually full by the time I contacted them, but had just decided to split up between two locations, and why yes I could enroll in classes.

~ I called Chloe’s preschool to see if I could change her days so that they could coordinate with Taylor’s new school days.
Generally there is a wait list there as well, but a day later I received a response that yes, I could switch the days….and keep the teacher we had requested.

*******

And through it all….I have been somewhat calm.

Overwhelmed, yes, but with an unusual inner calm….and do I even admit???
Excitement!!!
{until this morning, when we had our “official” first day and I took my eyes off God for a second, and then why…HELLO ANXIETY!}

*******

And since this post is already quite long I’ll save the deeper explanation of why this suddenly became my heart for another post.

What I’ll end with is all I know is that it’s right for us for right now.

~ I know I’m scared and excited and absolutely dependant on the Lord each and every day even more than I was before.

I know that this is absolutely the furthest thing from something I ever thought I’d do or even consider…and so I shall never say never, ever again.

~ And I know that God is fully in control of this one, and while it may not always be an easy road, it’s one He created miracles for me to be on.

And so I’ll obediently and excitedly walk on….
A brunette homeschoolin’ mama.

{Next up….I’ll be writing cooking from scratch cookbooks or something.}

Because you just never know.

p.s.
if you’re the praying kind, please…pray for me.
i don’t want to be in padded room with lots of prescription medication, so….just pray.

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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never say never, ever

Keep that in your mind….
Because when I’m done today with my first day of homeschooling, I’m going to share with you the incredible story of how it all changed.
And if my story doesn’t prove to you that miracles do happen, I don’t know what will.

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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It means so much that you are here! I know life gets busy though, so if you don't want to miss a thing, I invite you to subscribe to my blog through email!