faith Archives - Page 3 of 10

chasing a feeling vs. always pursuing the truth

November 14, 2013

I’ve been digging, you guys.
There’s been lots of “studying and praying”… although I have to confess my praying style now is unlike anything it’s ever been before.
Maybe it’s more real.
More authentic.
More of what God must have always truly seen in the depths of who I am.

I’m reading.
I’m reflecting.
I’m listening.
I’m laying down my protective/defensive walls, and allowing myself to feel vulnerable in a way that is completely unfamiliar to me.

I can tell you without hesitation, that I doubt my abilities as a writer, a parent, a wife, and a friend.
But there is an inner trembling that takes over with my admission that I am in a place of understanding God.

I thought parenting humbled me…
but parenting has nothing on this place I’m in now.

There seems to be a collection of thoughts, words, sayings, ideas, illustrations, theology tidbits, and so on and so on that are tumbling around back and forth throughout my mind.
And I intentionally settle into each moment as it comes.

I don’t want to be convinced or persuaded.
I simply want to understand and know.

I’m not attempting to chase a feeling.
Instead I’m interested in always pursuing the truth of who God is.

God is real.
He is.
How can I doubt that?

It’s just incredibly hard to understand His nature.
And WHY He chose to do things the way He did.
It doesn’t make sense to my brain, as limited and small as it is.

And that’s where I am.
In the most basic terms, I am finally getting to know God.

And just to share, for the sake of sharing…. you know in case someone else with a brain like mine might need to read some of what I’ve been reading and pondering, here are a few links to what I have been starting with.

Dug Down Deep: I don’t quite have the brain to read deep books on theology. At least not yet. But, this book…Oh this book. I’m about halfway through, with a highlighter, and it’s just good. I admit that I was hesitant to read this because as my friend said, “I kissed Joshua Harris goodbye when I got married!” But, as it turns out, he’s walked a similar path in his faith, and he has a gift for making systematic theology understandable, readable and relatable.

Biblical Jiu Jitsu and specifically this post to start, Threat of theology. I encourage you to dig deep in the posts though, and click through to links, as the depths to your learning will be endless and exciting.

Potters Freedom (haven’t read yet, but it’s been suggested to me, and it’s on my list.)

Lies Women Believe and the Truths that Set Them Free: I am just about 2 or 3 chapters into this book, but goodness gracious, does it ever speak to me. Click the link and read the sample…you’ll see exactly what I mean.

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when church hurts

November 5, 2013

“There is surprising comfort in the realization that God is so unlike you and me. The fact that He’s not like us is the reason we can run to Him for rescue.” –Joshua Harris, Dug Down Deep

~~~~~~~

It’s been a year. This 2013.
It’s been that way for many of those I love too, what’s the deal?

I think I’d call it, “The year of questioning…EVERYTHING.”

Seriously, you name it: Marriage, parenting, my purpose, my faith, my blog and “career..,” friendships, homeschooling, and of course….me.
I am constantly questioning myself.
Probably more than anything else.

A life changing experience recently….actually about 6 months ago, (it’s taken me some time to process through it all), was when we left the church we had been attending for quite some time.

We prayed long and hard and we both knew that it was a decision we needed to make and it was tough.
It was a seeker friendly church, and we needed more.
We craved deeper relationships that extended beyond the meet and greet outside of Sunday Service in the courtyard.
We craved deeper study of the bible and scripture.

But I experienced incredible sadness knowing I would have to say goodbye to the youth group girls that had become such a part of my heart.
I knew that in leaving, those relationships would change.
Somebody else would step into my role and become their mentor, taking them through the final years of their high school experience.
I didn’t want to let go of that, but I was drowning…and in truth, we were hungry trying to feed the hungry.

God was calling us to something new.

Without going into details, leaving was unpleasant.
We shared our hearts, and in doing that, hearts were hurt.

Careless letters were written, hearts were broken, and trust was damaged.
And rather than craving something deeper, instead I found myself utterly broken.

I try and try to go back to the moment where The Lord grabbed hold of my heart last Good Friday and made it quite clear by reminding me to, “Look ONLY at ME.”

And I had been….until church hurt, and then I found myself once again looking at “Him” through the filter of other christians.
And it was devastating.

I’ve been a christian for as long as I can remember.
I always believed.
I’ve always found faith easy.
Jesus was my hero, and even when I wasn’t living it, I was loving Him in the depths of my heart.

Loving Him is good and right, but to truly know the one you love, sometimes you need facts.
Facts can’t take His place, but I can’t know Him without them.
So it seems that now I’m in the depths of working out my faith with fear and trembling, and I hope that through it all, roots are growing deeper and stronger.

~~~~~~~
“When the Bible calls God holy, it means primarily that God is transcendentally separate. He is so far above and beyond us that He seems almost totally foreign to us.” -R.C. Sproul
~~~~~~~

My deepest desire is that when I come out of this place of struggle and questioning, that God would put me back together even better than I was before.

I want to be the christian, the CHRIST FOLLOWER, that sets aside my ego, my plans, my emotions and feelings, and instead looks only to the hearts and needs of those around me.
I dont want to ever be the Christ Follower that makes others doubt Christ is real, the way I have experienced.

Is that even possible though?
I am so flawed.
I am daily making selfish mistakes, either out loud or in the depths of my heart.

But my DESIRE, my HEART, is to be different.

And maybe that’s what 2013 has been all about.
Maybe that’s why I am here.
Maybe that’s why I have doubts and questions and the entire engine of my car (faith) is being taken apart right before my eyes.

I’m inspecting what’s right and what isn’t…
Pinning fact against fiction, rumors against truth.

And when it all comes back together, and my car is ready to take off driving again, I pray it’s a road filled with unbending faith, love, kindness, forgiveness, healing, mercy and grace.

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the DTR talk: time to define the relationship

October 31, 2013

Sometimes it’s just good to have that talk.
To really set some boundaries so that you and everyone involved can really know what to expect…

I’m getting focused.
I’m defining me.
I’m defining my “brand.”
I’m defining us.

And after you watch, I need a little something from you too.

Watch and see….

***As you may have noticed, I’ve been splitting my time more between my blog and my YouTube channel. It’s been refreshing for me to have both outlets for me to share creatively. And I’m so incredibly thankful and grateful for every single one of you who have continued to support and encouraging me all along in “a place to say, ‘me too!'”***

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doubt isn’t unbelief

October 28, 2013

Doubt isn’t Unbelief

Last week I took an unintentional week off from my blog and writing.
I literally put it all out of my mind until Thursday night when it suddenly hit me that I hadn’t written or even checked in for over a week.

Not always, but often…when I’m not writing, I’m running.

There is this inner spiritual struggle going on in my heart.
And because I write with ALL MY HEART, when I’m in a place filled with question marks, I find it difficult to write.
When I don’t want to think, I simply CANNOT and WILL NOT write.

I realize many of you don’t necessarily care or need to read yet another deep “pondering about life” blog post from me, which is why I hesitate even writing right now.
But, it’s not always about me, and one thing I’ve learned from this blog is that I am not alone.

So if I’m in this place, I have to believe someone else reading this might be as well.

I wanted to share a quote I heard a couple weeks ago on one of my “church walks” that really gave me some comfort in the midst of this struggle, and hope that it comforts you as well.

“Doubt is natural within faith. It comes because of our human weakness and frailty… Unbelief is the decision to live your life as if there is no God. It is a deliberate decision to reject Jesus Christ and all that he stands for. But doubt is something quite different. Doubt arises within the context of faith. It is a wistful longing to be sure of the things in which we trust. But it is not and need not be a problem. Alister McGrath

My pastor and close family friend put it to me like this…
“Our faith is like a car that we use and drive in. When we want to understand it further we need to park the car for minute and examine the engine. This is exciting and we can understand how it works, but we cannot drive with the engine all taken apart. We need to take the time to understand that theology is hard because you cannot just go forward with each thing you learn, but not until you are able to put it all back into the engine. There is an expression from the Westminister confession that is called ‘Semper Reformada’ or ‘Always Reforming.’ Every time we learn something better it affects in nuanced ways, what we already know. This is the process of getting to know the God who is actually there not the one we’ve made up our whole lives.”

~~~~~~~

I’m not the best version of me at the moment.
I’ve parked my car and the entire engine has been taken apart and it’s all just sitting in front of me looking like a big mess at the moment.

But, writing it out I suppose, is the first step for me.
It means I’m no longer running…

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the gift of letting go of expectations

October 8, 2013

The gift of letting go of expectations

I have several amazing women God has placed in my life, and for that I am blessed.

These are women who are like family, and are more than ready to tell me just what I need to hear, so that I can grow and change and fully live up to the potential God has for me.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ll be honest, again.
I’ve been struggling.

And when I sat down with one of my mentors a couple weeks ago, I didn’t even need to say a word.
She had been praying, and God decided to speak to me through her.
And it all pointed back to His word.

I won’t get into all the details of my issues….
(we’d be here for hours…just read past posts and you’ll start to figure all that good stuff out),
but there were a few key things that just stuck.

And the first was this,
“Summer. Listen to me. YOU cannot be displaced. God created you, He has His own plan for you and even if someone else reaches your “dream” first, it doesn’t mean there isn’t room for you. God uses ‘infinite’ imagery, from the heavens to the earth, and your ship in this giant ocean? It CANNOT be displaced.”

She went on to say, “You feel resentful because God has not delivered to you YOUR DREAMS. But what you need to do is take down every picture of what you’ve dreamt you deserve, and just open up your hands. Let go of what you’re grasping so tightly to, because what God has for you???? Summer, it’s so much better! Just let them all go.”

It was these two phrases.

“You CANNOT be displaced.”

And….

“Take down the images of what you dream you deserve, and be open and willing to accept what GOD dreams for you instead.”

Those two hours we spent together, I’m telling you, soothed my soul.
I began to see things so clearly on why I operate the way I do.
I finally had words to my swirling ball of feelings I didn’t understand.

But, now I see it SO clearly.
And having words to the hurricane of emotions inside, takes me one step closer to healing.

I’m on my way.
I’m studying Love.
I’m studying Jesus.
I’m studying God, and all that He truly is.

Let me be clear.
I am SO not there yet.
I open my bible and I feel empty and blank, and wonder if it will ever speak to me again.
I KNOW that it will…I FEEL that it won’t.

But, I’ve never been a quitter.
I’m an angsty overthinker middle child, yes, but most definitely not a quitter.
So, I’m writing and pondering and laying it all out (again) so we can together figure this out.

Do you sometimes feel like you just don’t belong?
Do you at times feel envious when someone else is living the life you dreamed for yourself?
Do you even find yourself getting irrational in your thoughts and sometimes your behavior because of the lies you find yourself believing?
And do you then fall into a pit of resentment that is something like, “Why not me?” Or “Why have you not allowed me what I have dreamt of or feel I deserve?”

Then, let me challenge you as well.

Try taking down your OWN dreams and humbly make room for Gods.
And NEVER forget…

You CANNOT be displaced.

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3 truths to remember when you just don’t feel “enough”

October 1, 2013

be warned. sometimes i know exactly what i’m going to write and I edit away to make it just so. this is not one of those posts. i have thoughts and feelings and issues and i need to just start typing. breathing. thinking. Not sure how this ends, but i know I need to just go….

~~~~~~~

I used to want to be a writer.
I used to think writing would fulfill my purpose, and that through my words I would make a difference and my life would have meaning.

I used to want to be a wife.
I was sure that getting married would be that thing, that one event, that would make everything perfect. I would be chosen and loved and adored, and all those angsty deep longings to be pursued would finally be fulfilled.

I used to want to be mommy.
There was no other job in the world I could think of to do, other than being a stay at home mom. I dreamt of the unconditional love my children and I would experience together, the connection we would share, and how it would all just be, right. For once, I would be needed. I would be someones favorite. I’d finally be complete.

All these years later when I sit with my desires and longings and expectations…
and really begin to reflect on them, I can easily see that they are all something I have put in place of God.

I go to my blog, my YouTube channel, social media, my marriage, and even to my children, and I ask myself the one very important question I have turning around inside my soul…
“Am I enough?”

On the good days, I feel worthy.
My views are up, the connections are there, my husband says and does the right things and my children’s behavior makes me look oh so goo-ood.
On those days?
Oh ya, I am enough.

But then there are the bad days, where I am absolutely sure I am nothing but a complete failure.
I realize I’m struggling to grow my blog, there doesn’t seem to be a connection, my husband shows his humanness, and my kids fight and scream and disobey over and over and over again, and I look oh so very not together.
On those days?
Oh, I am never enough.

It’s a roller coaster I ride each day, allowing the events around me to determine “me,” and it’s no wonder I’m ill with the constant up and downs of all that I experience and see.

I find myself dissatisfied with my blog and my writing, because it’s not “as successful as….”
I find myself unhappy in my marriage and as a mother, because none of it is matching up to my “dreams, hopes, and expectations.”

And I stew.
And I begin to dwell on all that I deserve and think I should have instead, and I settle in quite nicely with the lies and disfunction swirling around there in my head.

But, here’s where living out loud works for me, I suppose.
Because things don’t stay in my head long, and in a way that’s a good thing because it allows certain ones in my life to call me out and speak some truth into my warped little mind.

And here are the truths that I keep hearing…
The truths that are working their way to my brain, and prayerfully soon into my heart and soul.

Truth #1: WE ARE ENOUGH

I am enough because God created me.
He thought especially of me.
And despite what’s happening with everyone else around me, I can never be displaced.
His plan for me remains His plan for me.
And no matter how big or little it may be, it is perfect.
Because it’s HIS.
For me.

TRUTH #2: NOTHING WILL EVER MAKE US FEEL ENOUGH

My writing, views and comments, my marriage and my kids…none of these things will ever make me feel enough, even if I somehow reached “the top.”

Because reaching the top doesn’t mean it’s because I was enough and the others who didn’t weren’t.

{that is so tough for me to grasp. i feel i’m not “there” because i’m not worthy. and those who are, are. and yet, I know that is just not God’s way.}

Here’s the truth, nothing will ever be enough until the day I fully understand that I am looking to all the wrong places and all the wrong people to find my value.

And when that connection clicks, I know I will enjoy writing again because it’s what He has placed in my heart to do…for however few or however many.
And that will be enough.

Success doesn’t make us enough.
And a lack of it doesn’t mean we aren’t.

When I grasp all this, I can appreciate my husband and enjoy my marriage because the pressure of perfection and self-fulfillment will be gone.
And instead I will see the blessings and the goodness, because what my husband does or doesn’t do, doesn’t mean I’m enough…or not enough.

And being a mother will become more of a joy and a blessing, because I’ll know that their mistakes and attitudes don’t define my worthiness.
I won’t take it personal, because I’ll have finally taken ME out of it.

TOUGH TRUTH #3>>>>WE ARE NOT WORTHY ON OUR OWN

The truth is….
I’m not worthy.
I’m not enough.

Not on my own.

But when Jesus took his first baby breath, and lived to walk in my shoes, and was then betrayed and beaten and nailed to a cross…because of and despite me…I became worthy.

I’m not enough or worthy because of what I’ve done, or could ever do or accomplish or experience.

I am only enough and worthy because of Him and what He chose to do for me.

So knowing that, why then has it been SO hard to turn from all the other things and relationships in my life, and instead find my value through the only ONE who will ever be able to truly fulfill me?

You guys, that is my lesson.
This is my journey.

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what forgiveness means & how to do it for good

September 24, 2013

I have a hard time with forgiveness.
It hurts being let down by people and events, and it’s so hard to let that go.

But then my mentor recently shared this with me,
“Forgiveness is simply taking the offense and pain out of your lap and instead placing it at the feet of Jesus.”

Immediately, I could imagine a vivid picture for that.
And in that moment, I saw all that was in my lap and weighing on my shoulders.
Then I pictured myself in one giant scoop, handing it all over.

“Dumping it” might be a better phrase.

Whew.
It’s off.

It’s so simple.

I can do that.
I can forgive.

I can let it go, and give it to Jesus.
{over and over again}

I can be free, and so can you.

Just scoop it all up, and leave it with Jesus.
Dump it if you must.
And then go eat chocolate cake or ice cream to celebrate.

Because that, sweet friends, is what forgiveness really is.

Do you find yourself having a hard time forgiving?
Imagine this…
Journal this….
Draw this….
Whatever helps you see it, do it.

It’s time to be free.

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in the closet getting uncomfortable

September 10, 2013

I’m in my closet.
And it’s well after one in the morning…when my house is silent and all I hear is the quiet hum of my laptop and the comforting tapping of the keyboard.

This next week must be full of intentional prayers.
I realize this as I sit crosslegged among my shoes, trying to quiet my mind and release my grip.
My mind is full.

Looking only at Him seems impossible with the noise, the tasks, my fleshly desires, hurts, confusion and “plans…”
and then there’s always the overwhelming feeling of being mediocre…of failing and continually falling short.

Do you feel like this too?

And I know…the more I go along this path that He has me on, the slower it will be when I make it all about me.
But sometimes….being selfish sounds so nice.
And yet, deep in my soul, I know it’s not.
Selfish hurts people.

And there is my battle.

More and more quickly I realize, I have to stop and drop it all, and literally get on my knees before Him.

It seems old fashioned.
And it’s definitely uncomfortable.
But so is God.

We must grasp that!
Our God is old fashioned and His ways can absolutely uncomfortable…
And so has He called us to be.

We are blessed though, that if we allow Him in, in all of the discomfort…
there is comfort.

This week, I will stop.
I will surrender.
I will do my best to look only at Him and lay it all down.

Again.
And again.

This is my battle.
And it’s getting uncomfortable.

You?

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my struggle with “christianity”

September 6, 2013

Sometimes I struggle with Christianity.
Often times I struggle with church.

There tends to be so much “religion” that we are no longer looking up and around at people and their needs.

We get so caught up in programs and numbers and building bigger churches with popular guest speakers and headlining bands that we tend to miss out on people’s hearts, their needs, and all the things God has asked us to care for in His name.

We keep things light and happy and unoffending…so that we can appeal to those who don’t believe…yet.
We want to look cool, with it, and hip…so we bend a little, and we think we’re serving a purpose in the end.

And so we all continue to eat baby food, serve baby food, and then we’re utterly confused when we get tossed to and fro by the constant wind and desires of this world.

We are the hungry trying to feed the hungry, and it’s simply not working.

We have no roots.
We live and act and look no different than the world around us.
Often times, we end up looking worse.

And it seems all this, in turn, is resulting in a bunch of Christians not truly living out the faith God called us to.

We may be knee deep in service and grand gestures of giving, but we’re so busy in all of it, that we ignore the lonely person who is in desperate need of love right before us.
And I believe God looks at those little gestures just as much.
Maybe more?

We miss the growth.
We miss the opportunities.
We miss the real needs.
And in all that, we can cause so much unintentional damage.

I know because…
I’ve met the damaged.
I’ve listened to their fears and frustrations, and could only say “Me too…” and “Look only at Him.
I know because…
I’ve been the damaged, and I’ve had to give myself the exact same advice.

It pains me to see.
Aches me that I’ve been a part of it all.

I can check the box:
All of the Above.

And if I, as sinful and broken as I am, am hurt by this…
I can’t imagine how God must feel when He looks down on us,
and He sees those who don’t believe in Him acting more Christlike than His own followers.

How that must pain Him.
How angry He must feel.

We have it all wrong.
I have had it so very wrong.

I have come to understand that God created me sensitive for a reason.
And my sensitivity has recently opened my eyes and heart.

I so desire to study, to devour God’s Word, so that I can truly understand more how to live like the Author.
I want my insides and outsides to match.
I want to notice what others don’t.
I want to live, love, serve, forgive and believe….just the way God intended us to.

This is my prayer.
For me.
And for all of you.

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you will know them by their fruit

August 6, 2013

Matthew 7:15-20
“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.”

♥♥♥

For as long I can remember I’ve believed in God.
In His son, Jesus.
In Christianity.

It was all in my head, and somewhat in my heart…
But if you looked at my life, you wouldn’t have seen His light shining or His works performing.
You wouldn’t have known Him by my fruit.

But lately, He’s been nudging me.
And I’ve suddenly become very uncomfortable in being comfortable.
I look around at my life, at my tasks and my concerns, and I see an awful lot of me.
And not nearly enough of Him.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is in the Gospel of John, when John the Baptist says:
“He must become greater, I must become less.” John 3:30

When I read that again in my quiet time the other morning, it suddenly struck me in a whole new way, and I recalled the verses above from Matthew.

“You will know them by their fruits…”

All these stirrings in my heart over the last few months have so much to do with these verses.
I am suddenly looking at things, events, relationships, and my life so differently.
As though it’s now somewhat through His eyes, and no longer mine …as much.

All the things I wanted for me, for my glory, to bring attention to me, seem so meaningless now.
And I realize, it’s not about us just believing.

It’s not about simply going to Him to find our happiness and comfort.
It’s not about gaining success and popularity…
Believe it or not, it’s actually…
Not even about us!

Instead, it’s about making much to do of Him.
And by allowing Him to become greater in our lives, there will absolutely be fruit to be seen.

We will no longer be content in comfort, and in that discomfort He is be able to do abundantly more through us, than we could ever have done on our own.

We are called to action.
Just as he called his disciples to “Follow Me,” He is also calling us.
To get up and go…

Are you ready to get uncomfortable for Him?

Reflection & Journaling:

There are things we do that seem so defining and so incredibly important to our lives, that we spend more time on them than most anything else.

Perhaps it’s your work.
Or training and competing in a certain sport.
Or maybe it’s even your ministry…
Whatever it may be, let me ask you this:

What if all the work you did, all the benefits and glory that came from your efforts, instead went to someone else and your name was never to be known?

Would you still do it with just as much passion and just as much intensity if you never once got the credit?

Would it even still be important?

Prayer:

I encourage you to be vulnerable and pray honestly to the Lord exactly what you are feeling and all that you are struggling with.
He already knows.
He simply longs to hear you and comfort you.

Ask Him to take from your life all that isn’t of Him, and to instead replace it with only what will bear the most beautiful and life giving fruit.
Fall to your knees, lay it all down before Him, and be still.

He knows.
He comforts.
He answers.

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