outside the circle | seeking acceptance


There before me is a circle.
And as I look down, I see that I’m there…at the circle, oh so close…
But when I look down, I realize that while my toes are slightly on one side, my heels remain stuck on the other.

I’m not allowed in.
But I can’t seem to walk away either.

I’m accepted, yet not all the way.
I’m good, I’m just not good enough.


It’s a struggle I’ve had ever since I can remember.

In school I’d have plenty of friends, but for whatever reason, there I was…outside the circle.
And so I’d stand on the line, with my toes crossing over, and I’d long for the day I’d be welcomed in.

With my sisters too, it felt much the same.
But not able to get close enough.
Once again, standing on the line….able to see what I longed for, but unable to be any part of it.

I wish it was just my childhood insecurities, but it seems as though some things never change, and here I am.

At my children’s school, with homeschooling, at our church and with circles of friends…
Always peering in….from the outside.

I know I am loved.
I know that.

But there is always that something inside me that says,
“Yes, but look down.  Don’t you see where you still stand?”

And as I look down, once again, there is that line.
My toes still on one side, my heels still on the other.

I know enough to realize it’s not them.
It’s me.

And then last night I felt myself slipping into a sadness of inadequacy.
And while this has never worked for me before, I felt prompted to try it again…
So I reached for my bible and simply allowed it to fall open where God would have it.
I heard my thoughts plead, “Lord, speak to me.  Save me from this struggle.”

And there on the pages before me, my eyes fell upon the only verse underlined between the two pages.
A verse that I honestly had not remembered ever reading….

Psalm 105:4
Look to the Lord and his strength;
seek his face always.

And then I heard his words from my sweet Good Friday...

“Summer.  Look only at me.”
And now I see, God has put that longing for relationship so deep in my soul.
Yet instead of allowing me to fill that with people, I have no choice but to reach out to Him.

Maybe you’re standing on a circle too, looking and yearning for the wrong kind of fulfillment and acceptance?
In your friendships, family, maybe even your own marriage?

If that’s the case, let’s together take a step back, and run instead to the one who will fill us with more than anything this earth can offer.

He is all we need.

© 2013 “Le Musings of Moi”

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addressing narcissism: the untold story of my blog


“…bloggers really are just…narcissistic…” I heard her say.

And I felt a slight sting somewhere inside me, yet I tried not to react.

i’m just too sensitive…

don’t be too much drama…

And then a short time later I came across this comment, “I believe that when each and every blogger delves deeper, you’ll likely find that sharing in this manner is, in a sense, a cry for attention. If it really were all about the writing, why share it publicly? Granted, popularity may not be the main reason, but I think it’s also unrealistic to dismiss that’s a reason behind why you write publicly.”

I know I’m sensitive, and I know there is a story behind what was said, and likely it all comes from a good place…

So let me share as well, the story behind me…

| Addressing Narcissism |

The story I have yet to share…
Because if you knew me as my husband and close friends do, and you knew my heart and my story, you’d see that I too, come from a good place. And it’s not the place you think.


Though I hate the memory, 5 years ago I suddenly began suffering through debilitating anxiety after helping to care for my grandpa in his last days of cancer.

All this followed a long two years of postpartum depression after Taylor was born, and it was the first anxiety I’d ever experienced in my life, and it was awful.


An actual living nightmare, and like nothing I could ever explain, or want to explain, or ever want to feel at that level again in my whole life.

And in that time of my life, I felt so incredibly lost and alone.
Absolutely nobody understood my darkness.

My friends had faded away, though they had tried, they simply didn’t know how to help.
My husband remained, yet unreachable…as he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t help.

I stopped reaching out.
And so I remained deathly afraid.
Fearfully alone.
And I wondered if God would ever pull me out the nightmare I was living.

“… The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive
But I feel like I died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away
*Beauty from Pain lyrics*

I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t read books.
I didn’t want to talk.
Even T.V. made me feel unsettled.

And so I passed the painful time on my phone playing mindless games to keep me distracted from the anxious thoughts that threatened to steal everything.

I’d spend hours searching for things online just to keep from realizing how slowly time was creeping by.

And then somehow I came across a blog.

I’d never read one before, but was intrigued that people were just putting their private journaling thoughts out there for everyone to read.
…and judge, so I would later learn.

And as I read, I learned that she too suffered with anxiety.
like mine…
She too, had felt depression.
like mine…
She wrote of things I understood, the exact things I was living in that very moment.
It was as though, sometimes, she even wrote what I hadn’t even been able to make sense of myself yet.

And beyond that, she made me laugh.
Out loud.
I didn’t believe that would ever happen again.
Truthfully, I hadn’t even smiled in over a month.

Not to my husband.
Not to my son.
Not even to myself.
But there I was, waking up my husband at night….with laughter.
And as he awoke to hear me retell the story that had brought me joy, I felt warmth in my soul for the first time in a long time.

Ultimately, that feeling was a blessing from God.
But, I also know that this blog I’d found?
Was His personal gift to me.
It was a tiny little step towards healing.
A tiny little step towards hope.

And it all happened because I had found someone who got me.

So when I hear opinions and comments such as the ones above, this is immediately where my heart goes.

I reluctantly remember that scared and hurting girl curled into a ball on her couch sobbing…clutching her Bible and praying for strength just to get through even the next five minutes.

I think of that girl and I thank my sweet Jesus that he gave the guts to Alice to share her life, her thoughts, her issues, and especially her humor so that I could have that moment to hold on to.

So that, when things got better and then got hard again, I could go back and remember…
I’m not alone.

{this picture made her day.  okay.  mine too.}

And as I came out of that time in my life, I remembered the final lyrics of what had become my theme song:

“My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flamesAfter all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain”
*Beauty from Pain*

And suddenly, I knew I too needed to blog.
I no longer felt it was okay for me to keep my struggles and lessons to myself in a journal.

God needed to create Beauty from my Pain.

He didn’t intend for us to live alone.
He didn’t intend for us to suffer alone.
And He didn’t intend for us to learn His lessons alone.


I have a folder in my email account.

In it are all the emails from women who, over the years, have shared their hearts and their lives and their struggles.
Women who thought they were alone had nobody who understood.

I read and re-read them and pray for them.
Some I still keep in touch with.
Some are now my closest friends.

I keep those emails not to pat myself on the back for a job well done, but to remind myself how God is absolutely at work.
And so that when I get discouraged by judgements or distracted by shiny things, I can glance through that folder and remember… it’s not about me.


I’m a writer and I’m sensitive, and it’s exactly how God created me to be.
I think and connect with others, with myself even, through written words.
This is just me.

And I get not everyone understands me, and that’s okay.
But what I desire you to grasp is why I have this blog.
It’s not for attention.
And not to make it all about me.

{although I have been distracted here and there along the way.}

But where I am now, honestly??
I now pray with each blog I post, that when all is said and done and you walk away from here, rather than it being me you think about, instead it’s become HIM.

Writing is my passion.
Jesus is my passion.
Ministry is my passion.
This blog allows me to tie it all together.


© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”

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if i could turn back time and tell my teenage self….


If I could turn back time….

I was such a teenager enveloped in angst.
My heart hurt because I longed for something more.
For something deeper.
For more meaning.
But, I fell alongside the crowd.
I wanted in, I wanted acceptance.
But the desire to be me fought with the need to fit in.

And when I look back, and I see the replay of my life, I cringe.

I wish I could have done it differently.
I wish I could go back and see things with the eyes and heart I have today.
I wish I would have had someone who could have spoken wisdom into my world.
Someone who truly loved me unconditionally, and could understood the fight within my soul and mind.

And so I wanted to write this.
Because out there, there is a teenager just like me.

A girl battling her desire to be in yet wants to dare to be herself.
{click link to see what i was like in high school}


If I could turn back time and tell my teenage self some things….here are just a few of the things I would say:

  • The decisions you are making right now may seem fun and harmless, but there are consequences that come along with them that will stay with you your whole life.  Think and act wisely.
  • That guy that seems worth it, isn’t.  And your future husband one day will agree.
  • That drink, that hit, that fun high?  It’s ruining your still developing brain.  You have no idea the poison you are filling your body with.  Go look at the homeless people downtown, go visit the rehab centers that are filled with people who have stopped having “fun”…and see a bunch of grown adults who once were teenagers doing the same thing.  Only they never stopped.  But, I bet at one point they totally thought they could.
  • That friend that talks about you and makes fun of you to other people, isn’t your friend.  At least right now, she isn’t.  But know, she is hurting too.  She has her own inner struggles you may never know about it.  Walk away.  But never stop praying for her.  Only from our prayers come miracles.
  • The party you didn’t get invited to?  I promise, you won’t remember in ten years.  And it’s better you weren’t there anyway.  Trust me.
  • Your parents that annoy you and seem to want to make your life even harder and more miserable than it already is?  They are also dealing with things you may never know about or understand, until you are an adult with your own kids.  But know, they are just like you.  They may be hurting and lost and they are likely hoping to do better than their parents, and praying you will one day be better than them.  Try to go easy on them.  Being a parent is just as hard and scary as being a teenager.
  • Once you graduate and especially after college….nobody will care if you were popular or a jock or a nerd in high school.  And the ones who do, aren’t the ones you want to spend your time with or on anyway.  But, keep praying for them too.
  • Choose your friends wisely and stick close by them.  They are the ones who will keep you safe, who will hold you to your values, and will remain your bestest friends throughout the rest of your life.  But know, even good friends make mistakes.  Practice forgiveness and mercy now, it’ll come easier when you’re grown.
  • Enjoy being a teenager.  Don’t try to grow up faster than you should.  One day when you’re older with BIGGER problems, you’ll wish you had slowed down and enjoyed moments while you had the chance.  {something i STILL need to learn.}
  • Be true to what you believe.  Stand up for what is right.  Say what nobody else will.  SOMEONE will be thankful you did.  You may never know, or know for a long time, but it will change a heart or even a life.  Quite possibly even yours.
  • Go to church.  Even if you don’t feel worthy of being there.  Don’t believe that lie, because you are worthy.  God DOES love you.  He has never looked away or been angry.  He hurts when you hurt.  He wants you to come to Him anyway.  And NOTHING you’ve done or could do will ever change that.
  • You are worthy of love.  Of acceptance.  You are not too fat, or too loud, or too quiet, or too smart, or too emotional.  You are you, the YOU God spent HIS time creating.  He put His hand on your life, gave you breath, and allowed you a place in this world because he thought you worthy.  He has a plan.  Trust that when you can’t trust anything else.
  • Because you are worthy….prove it.  Make a difference.  Be the change, the friend, the christian you want to see in others.
  • Feelings aren’t truth.  They are feelings.  And most of the time they WILL pass or change.  Cling instead to what you know is TRUTH.  And the only way to know the truth is to study God’s word.
  • Stop comparing the INSIDE of your heart and life to the OUTSIDE of everyone else’s.  You have NO idea what their insides are really like.
  • And lastly, but not most importantly….one day, all the people you know or see or are or aren’t friends with now….you will have on your friends list on whatever the future of Facebook will be.  And when that happens, everything in the past will seem so silly and petty, and you’ll learn to love them all because of the adults and the struggles and the life you see them living now.


    And as I reflect over these lessons (and the others not listed) my heart is stirring….because I realize it applies not just to high school….but to even where I am right now.Huh.Would you look at that?

    Even beyond high school, you continue to learn.

    © 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”

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a letter to my kids about anxiety….



My sweet Taylor and Chloe….

Before I explain things to you, know that I love you.
Beyond words.
I love you that much.

And it is because I love you that I need you to know that I am not perfect.
And sometimes my imperfections may hurt you.
Sometimes you might even think that what I struggle with has something to do with you, and you’ll wish things were different.
And trust me.
Sometimes so do I.
So do I.

The truth is, every single one of us in this world has a struggle.
We all have something that we have to continually work and fight against, something that causes us to cling just a little tighter to our Savior.

And mine?
In this moment happens to be longer than I’d like moments of anxiety and sadness.
It comes without warning and goes just the same.
And it’s not because I don’t love God enough, because I do, maybe even more now than I ever did before.

I love Him and have given Him my whole heart and soul, and because of that, even in my anxiety, I still have peace. And I accept that this is simply my struggle for now, the thorn in my side that causes me to rely only on the Lord’s strength, rather than my own.

I need you to know that I am a fighter.
I may cry and freeze up from time to time, but I do not and I will not lay down and let this take over me. Because I have the power of God that lives within me, daily I am able to take up my cross and call upon Him to be my strength.

You must know and BELIEVE that this has NOTHING to do with you….or my love for you.
When I need to go in my room to find a peaceful moment, it’s not because I don’t love you.
When I seem to be short tempered, it’s not because you are or have done anything wrong.
When I have tears in my eyes, it’s simply because I am hurting, but never because of anything you did or anything you are.
This is simply me….living and learning, taking each moment as it comes, and accepting the challenge God has placed before me.

My babies, also know this.

Sadness, depression, anxiety or the like….is not necessarily wrong, nor is it always our fault that we feel these things. But we need to remember that it cannot HAVE US.
We cannot give in to it.

It is my faith in Christ, (as well as my love for daddy and the two of you), that I have found it in me to fight. I will do whatever it is I have to do to be the best mom and wife I can be. I will fight this battle with all that God has given me so that I am able to come out of this one day stronger and better able to live the life He created me to live.

But, right now….I am still struggling.
Still fighting.
And still, perhaps, not entirely the best mom and wife I dreamed I would be.
I get sad.
I get anxiety.
I feel broken and scared.
I am so incredibly human.

For whatever reason, God is allowing this in my life at this time.
But He is sovereign. He has plan.
In Him, there IS always a purpose.
We may not see it. I know I don’t right now.
But even if I never do, still I trust in Him.
The details, the results, those are all meant to be left in His capable hands.
The faith and worship despite the circumstances, well that is simply all I can do.

I have learned that often in our harder times of life, the Lord sometimes speaks the loudest. And I am in a place where I hear him ever so clearly, and it is sweet.
His hugs show up daily in so many ways, and through so many people, and it is sweet.
And so, I continue to cling to those each and every moment they come.
It isn’t easy, but with the Lord, it is always sweet.

More than anything, that is what I hope you take from this time of our life.
Though we will have our struggles, these times can also be our sweetest and most tender moments with Him if we allow it.
I can’t be perfect for you.
But I hope I can at the very least teach you that.

My greatest fear has been that you’ll think I was weak.
Or worse that God wasn’t good or strong enough to make it all go away in an instant.

Instead I hope you’ll know that it was me fighting a battle He needed me to walk through.
That your mom is strong, but that our God is infinitely stronger.
And I hope you’ll see that by putting all our faith in a mighty and all powerful Holy God, there is still able to be unbelievable joy and even greater beauty despite the pain.

I love you.


Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”

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i don’t speak french: my blog title explained


I think it’s time to address the elephant in the room….or rather, le elephante.

And that would be….I don’t actually speak french.
I know.
Most of you are probably quite surprised what with my FRENCH title and all.

But, no.
I speak not even a little.
Or would that be “poquito?”

Oh wait, that’s spanish.
I prove my point.

I do, however, LOVE Moulin Rouge.  So much in fact, that Come What May was our wedding song.  And because I love Moulin Rouge and I danced to a song sung by people who pretended to be french, I somehow relate a bit with the french speakers.
{i also like cheese.  AND FRENCH BREAD!  see?  so much in common!}

And so, that is why one night, long ago, when I stayed up after taking an Ambien….I started a blog.

And on that hazy night, a blog was named:
Le Musings of Moi. 

Yes, I now know it’s supposed to be written LES Musings of Moi.
{and even then, pretty sure the arrangement of words is wrong as well…save that for another post!}

From what I gathered over the years of anon commenters (and some not so anonymous),
here’s the real deal…..
Les is pronounced LAY.  Les is the female form.
Le is pronounced LUH, Le is the male form.
{i think.  just hang tight, i’m sure there will be email confirmation on that ANY second now…}

But, listen.
Ambien didn’t know that.
Ambien doesn’t speak french either.
{unless, of course, a french person is taking it…but that’s way beside my point}

Other things Ambien doesn’t know?
That it really shouldn’t order books off Amazon, especially when they happen to be cookbooks, and I have never cooked a day in my life.

It doesn’t know that sending emails or texts TRYING to be either funny, sentimental, or wise….
is not only none of the above…
but will be FULL of spelling errors AND will not be remembered the following morning.
Except by the confused and possibly disturbed person receiving said email.

All Ambien knows is that what it wants, it wants…
and what it likes,  it likes.

And when Ambien watches Moulin Rouge late at night, and Come What May plays it’s way into my little feeling heart…a blog is born.

Le Musings of Moi.

And if all that isn’t proof that no REALLY, I don’t speak french…
This is how I sound when I sing Lady Marmalade:
boo loo coo vey a les bwa…le sha….


I did get the les part right there though, I think.
And we wonder why they hate us.
How about I just stop with the awkward blog title?

you’ll be happy to hear, i quit the ambien.
especially you french speakers.

© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”

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My Journey Through the Tracy Anderson 30 Day Challenge

I just want to prove to myself that I can finish something I start.
That I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
That I am worth 30 days of getting clean and healthy, without ever once allowing numbers to trip me up!

Day 1

Day 2 and a free jumping tips for moms

Day 3, done!

the story behind me (pun intended) and Day 4!

5 workout tips and DAY 5!!!

day 6 & hanger

trading boobs for biceps, day 7

and i was run-nang, days 8 & 9

chub hiding fashion, day 10

weighing in on weighing, day 11!

lets talk about hunger, day 12

always blame pms, days 13 & 14

picture time, day 15!!!!

monday muse fashion, days 16 & 17

wont you take me to….funkytown?  day 18

2 sizes & sweet potato pancakes, day 19

tracy andersons 30 day method, day 20

i’ve lost that lovin’ feeling, days 21 & 22

time to get “things” movin’! day 23

get yourself a sponsor, days 24 & 25

tips on surviving the cleanse, day 2

i got the bug, days 27 & 28

it. is. finished!!!!  days 29 & 30

30 Day Method Survival Guide

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