- I am not nearly as hard on myself for a good or bad day of eating.
- I don’t dread the wake up portion of my morning where I would first pee (to lose a pound) and then go to the scale to see what kind of an eating day I could have.
- I like my body more.
- I enjoy eating more.
- I enjoy my workouts more.
- I notice how much people talk about weight and numbers, and it relieves me that I can’t join in. I don’t know what I weigh, and I like it that way. The competition is gone. I love it.
slave to the scale | body image struggles
She looked in the mirror and what she saw was not good.
Her eyes filled with tears,
and she turned away before they had a chance to fall.
I don’t know what happened. One day I had no idea what I weighed and I didn’t even care. I never worked out, I ate what I wanted and I was happy. I was secure.
Maybe it was being left by my ex for a super thin model…or maybe it was just me, something that was deep inside me just waiting to get out.
Whatever it was, one day it simply changed. I began to stare endlessly in the mirror and pick myself apart. From my head to my toes I found one thing after another that wasn’t the way it was “supposed” to look. And then the tears would fall, the oh so familiar tears.
All because I didn’t measure up to my idea of what I should be.
My brain became obsessed. It was all I thought about. Food, calories, working out, weighing in, eating, not eating, am I the thinnest? Am I “the weight?” I never starved myself. I never over exercised. I never made myself throw up. But as you will see, I was just as bad as anyone with an eating disorder.
December 13, 2003
My thoughts are catching up to me and I can see how damaging they have become and how intense it can get if I don’t stop it now. I am obsessed with my body/weight. I think about it almost more than anything else in the day. The other night I broke down in tears because I felt awful that I haven’t been successful at achieving perfection when it comes to my body. My poor husband tries to tell me he is happy with me the way I am, but I’m convinced he’s lying. He says I need to change my self image but I just can’t seem to. It sounds so much easier than it really is. I look in the mirror or at pictures of me and immediately I pick myself apart. Even as I write this I feel so convicted and ashamed. How can I spend so much time focusing on something that won’t last? When I don’t even spend half the time on something that will. My body obsession has totally taken importance over my relationship with God. How can I be so superficial and retarded? And the thing is, how do I change such ingrained habits? I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is I see so many bad patterns and I need help. I need hope.
October 16, 2005
…I’ve never felt so undesirable. It scares me a little when I look at skinny models who are obviously underweight, and my twisted mind thinks it’s beautiful. Am I on my way to an eating disorder? In my mind and thoughts I feel I already have one….only I don’t starve myself or make myself throw up. But truly, am I any different than those who do?
January 7, 2006
My heart is aching. I know I need to stop this. And yet, I’m beginning to avoid social situations because I’m too self conscious of how I look in my clothes. How sad am I? I spend more time trying and thinking about how to fix my body than I do caring and growing my mind and soul. I am not healthy. This is not right.
A year later, a darkness came over my world. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. And each time I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I shuddered. I’d finally achieved the gaunt look I lusted after and yet suddenly, I despised it. Needless to say, it was then that I received praise and adoration for how thin and how great I looked. Little did they know what was plauging me to achieve it.
And then something clicked. I’d had enough.
It was the beginning of change. A small change.
Then God gave me a daughter. And, I heard him saying, “Summer, it is time.”
I no longer see the super thin as desirable. I no longer want to be the skinniest. In fact, I feel sad for those I see struggling.
In no way have I arrived. But, I have changed paths. I’m walking a new way, and the further I get, the healthier I become.
I am healthy. I am content. That should be enough. So, it’s time I say goodbye to my scale. I will no longer be it’s slave.
I dare you to walk with me.
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
I remember when I was free of worrying about my body.
I remember when my happiness didn’t depend on achieving something.
And I miss those days.
My thoughts can break me down.
My heart and soul get heavy, and all because of “a body,” …something that is wasting away and aging every single day.I have at times, more than I’d care to admit, even allowed my happiness depend on what my body looks like.
Yes, back to that.
A bigger house, a better spouse, more money, a different job…
We find something, and we cling to it. We obsess over it. We need it and we desire it.
The same old person with the same old issues.
And so, I have to change my thinking.
I have to work just as hard now on what’s happening on the inside instead.