from the pages of my journal…

August 3 2010, 
Tonight when I was checking on the kids before I went to bed, I found myself staring at Chloe’s sweet face. I just stood there in complete awe at how she just looked so amazingly perfect.
As I studied her face…her cheeks, her nose, her freckles, mouth, eyes and ears…
I was honestly brought to tears.
So beautiful.
So amazing.
So perfect.
Just simply admiring her physical beauty stunned me.
And then it hit me.
God had just given me a glimpse into what He sees when He looks at us. 
He’s looking down at his creation, so proud, so completely in awe…
“So beautiful.
So amazing.
So perfect.”
More specifically, if I am to claim this…me!
He created me!
in His most holy eyes.
He stands in awe, completely stunned.
I get that now.
Thank you Lord, for the little moments such as this, that are so simple,
yet so incredibly profound.
I am so quick to judge myself.
Every flaw, big or small, I see it and I tear it apart.
And if Chloe was to ever voice the things I say to myself, my heart would break.
How could my sweet, amazing, perfect creation (more so God’s) see herself as anything different?
And yet, we can only see with a limited human love.
Imagine what God must feel, in his Perfect love, when we put ourselves down?
When we attack what He created, what He sees as perfect?
I have got to stop seeing myself by the worlds standards, 
and start seeing through God’s eyes.
baby steps….
© 2010 “Le Musings of Moi”
SHARE THIS POSTShare on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestGoogle+Email to someone
It means so much that you are here! I know life gets busy though, so if you don't want to miss a thing, I invite you to subscribe to my blog through email!

there’s a new me in the mirror

I’ve known for awhile I had this problem.
I knew it wasn’t right.
It wasn’t normal.
But I thought I was able to deal with it.
I thought I could fix it on my own….
I knew it was still controlling my life, my thoughts…my soul.
I knew that I had lived with it for far too long, and it was time.
This had to be the year that I faced my demon and said goodbye to the issue once and for all.
And then I wrote a post
trying to show my side.
My view…
and how I’m not so much different than others who may be further down the spectrum.
It’s been three and a half months of good times in counseling.
Okay, whatever….
Call it what you will.
And when I say good times, I mean enlightening.
And what’s crazy is that we’ve hardly touched upon the actual issue.
Her motto is,
“It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating you.”
And there we have been focused.
What’s eating me.
I knew I had the issue.
But I didn’t know why, where it came from, or how to get rid of it.
I was stuck,
I felt hopeless.
Months later, I can finally see a new me in the mirror.
Because I now know why.
I can see where it came from,
and I am beginning the process of moving past it.
And that seems to be more than half the battle.
It’s crazy.
The moment she called out the cause,
I just knew.
It fit.
It was right.
It was so wrong,
but it was right.
I’d found the truth.
And in JUST knowing the truth,
I felt such incredible freedom.
I still have far to go.
I still struggle.
But, I am no longer obsessed.
Each week, I become more and more content.
I don’t weigh in every day.
Or even every week.
I can eat free for a day…
or three…
and not feel incredible guilt.
I don’t compare…
as much,
I look for the positive,
more often.
It’s a slow uphill climb,
but it’s been incredibly worth it.
I can see the other side.
And I truly believe one day I will be free.

{I know there were a TON of links….but if you struggle with eating/body issues, going back and reading those will definitely help you to know you’re not alone…we can beat this together.}
don’t forget to enter the jewelry giveaway!
© 2010 “Le Musings of Moi”
SHARE THIS POSTShare on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestGoogle+Email to someone
It means so much that you are here! I know life gets busy though, so if you don't want to miss a thing, I invite you to subscribe to my blog through email!

i have small mmm-mmm’s and i cannot lie.

It’s true.
And it’s time I voice the truth. I have small mmm-mmm’s, and I am proud.
{We’re going with the term “mmm-mmm’s,” so that google doesn’t send the sicko’s over here. Plus, I don’t want to stumble any guys with my mmm-mmm talk.}
You see, I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I’ve been a C for most of my adult life. And it was fun, I guess. Didn’t think much of it.
Oh ya, I took those babies for granted.
As well as my ability to eat cereal and shells and cheese every day without gaining weight….but that’s neither here nor there.
Then I got pregnant, and woah mama!!!
I’m not even sure you can call what I had mmm-mmm’s.
More like, Melons.
Or Jumbowumbo’s.
But whatever you called them, they were large and in charge, and I was not a fan.
At one point after I had Chloe, I was super engorged and while trying to dry up, I sent Jimmy to buy the largest cabbage he could find.
{Cabbage leaves are supposed to help with drying up.}
I took the biggest leaf, set it atop one of my um, mmm’s, and what do you know?
It only covered half.
I’m not kidding you people.
It was a sight to be seen.
Or not, because I’m not that kind of girl.
And then God said, ha ha. You had your fun, now I’m going to take ALL of them away.
And He did.
And now I have no mmm-mmm’s. In fact, a better term would be skin flaps.
{All of my ex’s out there reading this, contain your jealousy, please. I’m a married woman now.}
Oh God, you so funny.
Okay, so I wouldn’t mind so much if they were, um, perkier…but, I actually have to admit, I think small is more my style.
So, there you have it.
I’m with the ittybittymmm-mmm crowd and I’m proud.
Who’s with me?
hello? anyone? hello?
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
SHARE THIS POSTShare on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestGoogle+Email to someone
It means so much that you are here! I know life gets busy though, so if you don't want to miss a thing, I invite you to subscribe to my blog through email!

drop (kick) the scale

It has been almost 6 weeks since I’ve stepped on the scale. This from stepping on several times a week, trying to make sure I stayed at my “ideal” weight. And anytime that number fluctuated even one pound up or down, my mood and my day were affected.
And yet, if I was honest, when I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t see a difference.
It was annoying to say the least, not just to me, but especially to Jimmy. (Though he weighs in daily too, I might add.)
Anyway, after I read “I’m Beautiful, Dammit” I decided it was time for a change. I decided no more weight talk. Instead, I would go by how I felt, how I looked in the mirror, and how my clothes fit. If my pants got snug, then I would know it was time for more cardio and less chocolate cake.  (Kinda where I am right now.)
I have to say, it was not an easy addiction to give up. In the beginning there were days that I wanted to cheat oh so bad. But, I am so glad I stayed strong. Because I have really learned a lot in the last 6 weeks.
Here are just a few things:
  • I am not nearly as hard on myself for a good or bad day of eating.
  • I don’t dread the wake up portion of my morning where I would first pee (to lose a pound) and then go to the scale to see what kind of an eating day I could have. 
  • I like my body more. 
  • I enjoy eating more.
  • I enjoy my workouts more.
  • I notice how much people talk about weight and numbers, and it relieves me that I can’t join in. I don’t know what I weigh, and I like it that way. The competition is gone. I love it.
I am still attempting to eat healthy with one free day a week, and I still work out at least 4 or 5 days a week. But, I am doing all that because I want to. Because I love it. Not because I am striving to achieve a size or a number or to compete with the girl down the street. (By the way, there is no girl down the street. It’s a metaphor.)
It’s been amazing.
You know, I just realized that 30 has been an interesting year so far. I feel like I’ve really been learning a lot. I’ve had to make some uncomfortable decisions that weren’t necessarily the most fun, but ended up being the absolute best for me and my family in the long run. I call them grown up decisions.
With each grown up decision, a burden is lifted and the skies become clearer.
And to think, it all started with drop kicking the scale.
So, with all the peer pressure I can muster….I urge all of you to do the same. Forget the numbers, forget the perfect or ideal size. Instead be healthy and love and enjoy your body for what it does and what it gives to you.
Trust me, being a grown up can be kinda fun in the long run.  And you know, everybody’s doing it!
On a non related note:
See those cute little pink boxes on the far right of my blog?  The ones for advertising?  If you’d like to have your ad there, email me and I’ll be more than happy to go over rates with you!  
*In case you want to follow me, and I don’t see why you wouldn’t, I moved that gadget to the bottom of my page.  There, now you can sleep better.*
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
SHARE THIS POSTShare on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestGoogle+Email to someone
It means so much that you are here! I know life gets busy though, so if you don't want to miss a thing, I invite you to subscribe to my blog through email!

slave to the scale | body image struggles

slave to the scale | body image struggles

She looked in the mirror and what she saw was not good.
Her eyes filled with tears,
and she turned away before they had a chance to fall.

I don’t know what happened. One day I had no idea what I weighed and I didn’t even care. I never worked out, I ate what I wanted and I was happy. I was secure.

Maybe it was being left by my ex for a super thin model…or maybe it was just me, something that was deep inside me just waiting to get out.

Whatever it was, one day it simply changed. I began to stare endlessly in the mirror and pick myself apart. From my head to my toes I found one thing after another that wasn’t the way it was “supposed” to look.  And then the tears would fall, the oh so familiar tears.

All because I didn’t measure up to my idea of what I should be.

My brain became obsessed. It was all I thought about. Food, calories, working out, weighing in, eating, not eating, am I the thinnest? Am I “the weight?”  I never starved myself.  I never over exercised. I never made myself throw up.  But as you will see, I was just as bad as anyone with an eating disorder.

December 13, 2003
My thoughts are catching up to me and I can see how damaging they have become and how intense it can get if I don’t stop it now. I am obsessed with my body/weight. I think about it almost more than anything else in the day. The other night I broke down in tears because I felt awful that I haven’t been successful at achieving perfection when it comes to my body. My poor husband tries to tell me he is happy with me the way I am, but I’m convinced he’s lying. He says I need to change my self image but I just can’t seem to. It sounds so much easier than it really is. I look in the mirror or at pictures of me and immediately I pick myself apart. Even as I write this I feel so convicted and ashamed. How can I spend so much time focusing on something that won’t last? When I don’t even spend half the time on something that will. My body obsession has totally taken importance over my relationship with God. How can I be so superficial and retarded? And the thing is, how do I change such ingrained habits? I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is I see so many bad patterns and I need help. I need hope.

October 16, 2005
…I’ve never felt so undesirable. It scares me a little when I look at skinny models who are obviously underweight, and my twisted mind thinks it’s beautiful. Am I on my way to an eating disorder? In my mind and thoughts I feel I already have one….only I don’t starve myself or make myself throw up.  But truly, am I any different than those who do?

January 7, 2006
My heart is aching.  I know I need to stop this.  And yet, I’m beginning to avoid social situations because I’m too self conscious of how I look in my clothes.  How sad am I? I spend more time trying and thinking about how to fix my body than I do caring and growing my mind and soul.  I am not healthy.  This is not right.

A year later, a darkness came over my world. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep.  And each time I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I shuddered. I’d finally achieved the gaunt look I lusted after and yet suddenly, I despised it.  Needless to say, it was then that I received praise and adoration for how thin and how great I looked.  Little did they know what was plauging me to achieve it.

And then something clicked. I’d had enough.
It was the beginning of change. A small change.

Then God gave me a daughter. And, I heard him saying, “Summer, it is time.”

I no longer see the super thin as desirable. I no longer want to be the skinniest.  In fact, I feel sad for those I see struggling.

In no way have I arrived. But, I have changed paths. I’m walking a new way, and the further I get, the healthier I become.

I am healthy. I am content. That should be enough. So, it’s time I say goodbye to my scale. I will no longer be it’s slave.

I dare you to walk with me.

© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”

SHARE THIS POSTShare on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestGoogle+Email to someone
It means so much that you are here! I know life gets busy though, so if you don't want to miss a thing, I invite you to subscribe to my blog through email!

overcoming body dysmorphia

I remember when I looked in the mirror and was satisfied with what I saw.
I remember when I didn’t see something far worse looking back at me in the mirror.
I remember when I was free of worrying about my body.
I remember when my happiness didn’t depend on achieving something.
And I miss those days.
This is something that is always on my mind. Sadly enough. I don’t ever remember being as caught up in it before I moved to California, but if I’m honest, I’m sure it has always has been somewhat of an issue for me. You know, being that I am female after all.
I don’t know when it started exactly, but one day I looked in the mirror and what I saw wasn’t good enough. I would pick out a body part and focus on it. One minute it was my thighs, the next it was my arms…or my stomach…and it went on and on. I would spend so much time thinking and analyzing over it that suddenly it would become bigger and more gross than it had even started out to be. I’d go to get dressed and cry because I hated what I saw or how my clothes fit.
I know now that what I battled was what so many women and young girls struggle with today, body dysmorphia.
I’ve never binged, purged, starved myself, or over exercised…no habits were ever started that would constitute an eating disorder, but I’m certainly no better because of that.
My thoughts can break me down.
My heart and soul get heavy, and all because of “a body,” …something that is wasting away and aging every single day.I have at times, more than I’d care to admit, even allowed my happiness depend on what my body looks like.

When I really read and dwell on that last sentence, I am overwhelmed with how sad that really is.
In being pregnant, I hated seeing my body change and gain weight, even though I knew it was for a good reason. But, towards the end I began to accept it and even began to embrace my largeness…as well as the extra calories I was able to consume! And I did my best to balance it out with going to the gym on a regular basis.
Now that I’m not pregnant, and my body is again changing, I’m back in limbo with the tug of war regarding body image. It’s funny how perspective changes depending on circumstances. In going from super large and pregnant to not pregnant, at first I felt like I looked so small. Well, smaller compared to being pregnant that is. I was so excited and felt myself strutting around the house feeling all sexy. Actually, I wouldn’t go that far, but I did have a few days where I wasn’t obsessing.
But then recently I stepped on the scale and saw I still had 10 pounds to lose. Immediately, I didn’t feel so small. I felt big and gross.
Yes, back to that.
It’s not fair, and it shouldn’t be this way.
I recently read two different interviews with Eva Longoria. It’s been all the talk about her gaining weight for her role on Desperate Housewives. In both articles, she quickly snaps back with some retort about how even though she’s gained weight, she’s still a size 0. Where as before, she was 00.
Are you kidding me?But this is what we read and see all the time. This is what’s influencing us. We are constantly getting the impression that it’s not okay to be anything but a 0.

Now that I have a daughter, it’s on my mind even more than every before. Only now I am not just over thinking (obsessing)…I’m determined to change.
I would never, ever, want to pass these kinds of thought habits onto Chloe. I want her to feel comfortable in her skin no matter what size or shape she is. I want her to know that the most important thing to focus and work on, is what’s inside. I want her to care more about who she is, what she believes in and what she stands for. I want her heart and mind to be the first thing people notice when they meet her, because that is what she has invested most of her time and energy into.
I want her to know that she is not her body. She has one, yes, but she is so much more than that. And that it’s what pours out of the body, mind and soul she’s been blessed with, that truly matters, and truly lasts.
This may not be your struggle, but I believe that we all have something.
Something we want that we don’t have, something that we are hoping to get that we think will solve it all, something that we are sure will make us happy.
A bigger house, a better spouse, more money, a different job…
We find something, and we cling to it. We obsess over it. We need it and we desire it.
But the thing is, when we get that one thing, when we arrive there…we will still have ourselves.
The same old person with the same old issues.
I could achieve my ideal body, but I have a feeling if I got there it still wouldn’t be enough.
And so, I have to change my thinking.
I have to work just as hard now on what’s happening on the inside instead.
I have to learn to be happy with myself where I am right now.
Not just for my sake, but for Chloe’s.
© 2008 “Le Musings of Moi”
SHARE THIS POSTShare on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestGoogle+Email to someone
It means so much that you are here! I know life gets busy though, so if you don't want to miss a thing, I invite you to subscribe to my blog through email!