is the mood cure in our blood cells?

bloodcells
We both sat and stared at this picture before us.  I was frozen, afraid to move, afraid that by simply breathing I would give away why I was there.
Suddenly he turned and looked at me with such empathy, and sighed.
“Oh Summer, what you must be feeling right now.”
And I almost cried, because I was sure he was looking right into my soul.
This is exactly how my appointment began with Dr. Hugh Smith at my recent Biocytonic appointment.

I told him not one thing.
He knew nothing of me before I walked into his office.
And yet, within minutes of looking at the cells in my blood, he knew my battles and called them out one by one.
“You suffer from anxiety, don’t you?”
“Do you tend to cry a lot, or easily?”
“You have absolutely no energy, and it takes you till probably at least 10 before you feel awake.  And then around 3, do you drop off again?”
“How about lower back pain?”
{i swear, i was NOT a riddled anxiety crying holding my back in pain almost asleep kind of a mess while i was there! i wore MAKEUP and DID MY HAIR!  i totally tried to trick him by appearing normal!}
I did however, sit there and nod, holding back tears….How did he KNOW?!?
He continued to list, and I continued to nod.
I was mesmerized…in absolute complete awe at all that was going on in that single drop of blood, and how it was all just happening before me on a giant computer screen.  Things were moving and growing and changing.  It was all a bit surreal and amazing.
It wasn’t until I heard the magic words that I snapped out of my daze:
“How would you feel if I told you that within a week, you could already be on the road to recovery?  That all of this stuff is absolutely reversible.”
I wanted to hug him.
We spent the next hour looking at my blood cells while he described every last detail of what he was seeing, and he patiently answered every one of my endless questions of, “Wait!  Woah!  What’s that?!?”
He showed me on my white blood cells where I was aging, and told me he should be looking at someone in their 50’s….not someone in their 20’s.
Okay, okay.  30’s.  Who’s counting?
{he also told me he could have prevented me from losing my gallbladder! what the?!?}
I begged him to give me an exhaustive list of EVERYTHING THAT WAS WRONG WITH ME, PLEASE!!!
…but he knew better.
“Let’s just get you FEELING better….and then we’ll move on.  Because if I can get you feeling better?  You’ll believe in what I’m doing, and you’ll trust the process.”
And it was only then that he asked for the paperwork I had filled out listing my symptoms and medical issues, and then took a moment to look it over. 
Amazingly, he had already touched on each and every one as well as ones I didn’t even think big enough to include.
“See?!?  Easy!”  He exclaimed.
“This isn’t magic.  This is 500 years old what I’m doing….”

And as I walked out of his office with his cell phone and email address in hand (“call or text me ANYTIME you have questions, and I will always answer or get right back to you!”), I had hope for the first time in a long while.
I felt understood, listened to, and cared for.

If you’ve followed my blog for awhile, you know of my health issues along with the anxiety that at times comes without warning.  I thought it was just me.  In my head.  The thorn in my flesh, and I would just have to learn to overcome.
Come to find out, perhaps there is a reason.
A reason that can be fixed.

It’s been a week now on the supplements…
{supplements he doesn’t sell, btw…i don’t know, somehow that was important to me}
Do I feel better?
Amazingly, yes.
Am I totally cured?
Not yet.

But, I believe the things worth having are worth fighting for….and sometimes real complete healing takes time.
And suddenly this path I’m on, doesn’t feel so confusing anymore.
Mostly because I have a cell phone number to use anytime I have questions.

And believe me, I’ve already used it.

ps…
{this post is already WAY longer than I planned, so i’ll go into more details another time.  or feel free to ask questions and i’ll answer in the comments.}

© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”
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5 ways to cultivate hope

I didn’t write the following (though i wish i had!)….
but it struck me so much when I got it in my email, that I knew I had to share it with you guys.
I may not get the most comments on this blog, but I do get so many incredible (and touching!!!) emails sharing your hearts and lives….and I know I am not alone in the struggle for hope.
So, my prayer is that today….the following blesses your heart in the same way it did mine….
{for the original post and more incredible ones like it, visit Dr. Catherine Hart Weber’s blog.}
~~~~~~~

Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope.
Blog July 19  
Learn to cultivate hope
When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God.   Charles Allen
Although God has created us with an amazing ability for resilience and recovery during challenging times, it is something we must learn and cultivate. According to research done on the Hope Theory, hope is not inherent or genetically determined. But, hope is entirely possible through the Spirit of God and a learned, deliberate way of thinking.
  
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. Albert Einstein
  
Hope is future mindedness. Are you going to give up or keep persevering? Are you going to think long-term, willing to put up with short-term pain for long-term gain, success and blessing? Hope expects good things and works towards them. Hope finds pathways and solutions to overcome. Hope doesn’t allow hopelessness from short-term thinking to grip your heart into discouragement and giving up too soon. Hope keeps moving towards goals and purpose, even when facing setbacks.
Here are some ways to learn and cultivate hope.  
1.  Place your hope in God
The Lord is my light, my hope, my salvation. In Him I trust. Romans 15:13
  
The ultimate despair is hopelessness without God.  True hope is from the Lord, who gives us an internal source of strength – no matter what we are facing.
The 12 Step beginning of recovery is based on hope in God: I am desperate and need God.  I believe a power greater than myself is my only hope. So I decide to turn my will and life over to the care of God.
  
Prayer of Theresa of Avila
Let nothing disturb you
Nothing distress you
While all things fade away
God is unchanging
Be patient for with God in your heart
Nothing is lacking
God is enough
2.  Connect with others
Don’t do life alone. Find someone who has traveled the same road successfully and flourished. We are better together. Connect with a spiritual friend, counselor, life coach or spiritual director. Join a small group.
Avoid people or activities that are contaminating and draining
            Hope and happiness can spread like the flu. But so can despair. During difficult times, guard your heart and emotional resources.
Reach out to others
            When you give and encourage others, you receive as well. Sharing our sufferings is a great leveler and unifier. It helps keep the proper perspective and provides a sense of meaning and purpose.
  
3.  Take good care of yourself – body, mind and brain
            Plan activities that cultivate positive emotion – which ignites hope. This is as essential as water to your body. What activities or places cultivate hope for you? It could be journaling, taking a day trip, a massage, gardening or listening to music. Make healthy choices about the basics of life: eat well, get enough rest and sleep, exercise, nourish your soul. 
Practice healthy habits of the mind and gratitude
Practice good mental hygiene. Don’t believe every automatic thought you have. They are mostly negative and not true. If you are going through a challenge, be mindful of your progress. Be aware of God being present with you in all things. Celebrate with gratitude what you do have.
Tell your brain what to think and it will impact what you believe how you feel and behave. Base your affirmations on the Word of God and the truth. Sing it out loud. Speak it out loud. Write it down in handwriting. Get the hope message through.
  
4.  Tell your story
            Our stories are God’s stories. When we share our journey with others, we communicate hope in a way that others can see how God can work hope in their life.  You may not tell it all in words and details, but you can be a hope-giver by letting your life speak through the way you live and love.
  
5.  Have a sense of purpose
Hope keeps moving towards long-term goals and purpose, even when facing setbacks. When your heart is overwhelmed by the storms of life and you can’t hear God’s voice, remind yourself of the message of hope – what God has done and who He is.
 God is love. Jesus loves you. God is good and kind and He is in control. God wastes nothing, recycles everything for His glory and purpose. God isn’t finished with you yet.  He has a plan and a purpose for you.  And when its all said and done – he has prepared a flourishing finish for you with treasures in heaven !

© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”
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hope for your weary soul

All I can say is that I am ever so thankful for my relationship with the Lord, because these last few months have been full of challenges and struggles.
And in those moments (and there were plenty) that I felt I just couldn’t deal anymore….I prayed for His strength to replace mine, and it always did.
When I gave up “my comfort zone” for this little experiment, I had in my mind three months.
From all that I read, and from all I talked to, it seemed 3 months was the turning point for most.
And yet, nearly every week, it felt like 3 months seemed an eternity to get through, and all I wanted to do was throw in the towel and go back.

But, I didn’t.
Because I had hope.
I had Him.

I still had (and continue to have) to work, though.
Constantly I did all I could to find a smile.
I worked and prayed for all the inner joy I could find…
and most of the time, it worked.

{what we must do for the children in our life….}
But there were times at the end of the day that I was just tired.
Tired of fighting it.
Tired of the battle.
And I would find comforting release in the warm tears that trickled down my cheeks.
At the end of this week it will be three months.
And what do you know, I’ve had an entire week where it hasn’t been work.
A week where I’ve been able to see the bright side easily…
A week where I haven’t felt the need to release through my tears…
A week of hope.

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{happy feels ahhh.mazing}

And that’s the “takeaway….”
What we need to remember when we go through our hard times.

That there is Hope.

You’re not alone.

There IS an end.
Or at least, there will be breaks.
Most importantly, there IS a lesson.
And there, as I always quote, will be beauty from pain.

I can’t say I’ll never feel the heaviness of life again.
I can’t say that anxiety is a thing of the past.
But I can say now, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can and will get through it by clinging to My Hope.


I just needed to be clear…
with all my “mood cure” talk and posts.

That the hope I have is not because of diet, or exercise, medication (or lack of), or even amazing supplements…
The hope I have is because I have placed my life forever in God’s hands.
And because of that, my weary soul can rest.

I so encourage you to do the same….

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© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”
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the natural antianxiety/antidepressant?

You guys know I’ve been doing my research
and I happened upon some interesting stuff on aminos and anxiety/depression.
Over the last few months, I’ve tried lots of different ones and lots of different combos, but this latest one seems to be having the best effects for me.
{in addition to a healthier diet and exercise!}
photo-21
{2 tbsp of amino acid, 1 heaping tsp of l-glutamine in water, and 2 muti mags first thing in the am on an empty stomach}
Let me just say…
I am not a doctor.
Nor am I an expert by any means on supplements….
but I do know that a lot of people have been helped with amino acids for their anxiety and depression.
{just google amino acids for anxiety & depression and read up!}
I also know that if you are on an antidepressant, you should ABSOLUTELY check with your doctor before taking serotonin producing supplements.
{apparently there IS such thing as too much of a good thing!}
And if you have tried these before, or are, or are going to…
I want to hear ALL about it!
Maybe I should just write a book on all this research one day.
=)
© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”
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he’s so much more than a hot bod

Yes, my husband is hot.
Hubba hubba.
But also?

Sometimes my husband is incredibly wise.

And this just one of the reasons why I will never let him go…ever.
{and also, because he’s hot.}




P1000159



Back story….

Yesterday, I had sent him an email apologizing for my “mood” on Mothers Day.
It was a bittersweet day for me, as I haven’t heard from my mom in almost a year. 
{long story, not ready to write about it…actually, I may never be ready}
And rather than focus on the kids who were celebrating me, I allowed myself to wallow in what I didn’t have.
{didn’t help that I told Jimmy not to get me anything, which he took to mean no card or flowers either.  sigh.  must we spell out everything?}
But, that’s okay…he made up for it later.
{ew, not like that.}

Thankfully I caught myself by the end of the day, and made a conscious decision to turn my emotions around, but I still felt I needed to apologize…as I could tell my mood had affected his day as well.

I have to share his response, because it really makes sense.
And I know there are more people, other than myself, who need to hear his wisdom and be reminded.
P1000261

I understand your ups and downs, and you need to know that I am totally OK with that, that is normal and human.

My point is that I just want you to be happy and feel secure through the ups and downs.  I can deal with your ups and downs no problem, I just have a hard time dealing with you being broken hearted and discouraged.  It breaks my heart and I feel powerless to help and encourage you – God doesn’t want you to live that way.  

I will always be here for you, so rest in that security, don’t worry about the process.  

Just think about being present, meditate on the good things, and don’t let the future or negativity have a place in your mind and heart.  We truly have nothing to worry about.  Our life is good and comfortable, our kids are awesome, and when our lives are over, we will be with God.  

I know you like to be thorough and make sound decisions, but sometimes I think you over-think things a little… sometimes things are simpler than we would expect. 

Just have time with God, be light hearted, and you will know what to do without having to try hard to figure out your path. I promise.


Thank you baby, for your love and patience and understanding.  I am truly blessed.

P1000034

You are so much more than just a hot bod.

© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”
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the mood cure update

The Mood Cure
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down and started this “update” on my experience with The Mood Cure supplements….
And then how many times I’ve been like, ahhhh….this is BORING, who would even care???
But then I started getting a bunch of emails checkin in to see how it’s going, and I realized I just gotta bite the bullet and get ‘er done.
So, here I am, gettin’ ‘er done.
Okay, here’s the deal…I seem to be on a path.  
Aren’t I always???
It all started with searching for a new multi-vitamin, which led me to the True Balance ones, which led me to The Mood Cure book, which led me to thinking I wanted to give up Lexapro and instead try treating my anxiety with natural diet and supplements…
…whew…
{there’s more…}
…WHICH led me to a longer than I realized process of weaning off the Lexapro…which led me to some not so fun withdrawals (physical & emotional), which led me to research what the heck kind of drug was I on to make me feel so awful going off….which led me to more research, more books, and more reading of other peoples experiences….
Which leads me to now.
Still on a path.
Okay, so here’s the thing.  After I read the book and got all my supplements and vitamins, I started taking them daily while I was weaning off my medicine.  And while the withdrawals were awful (brain “shocks,” lotsa tears), I can’t imagine what they would have been had I not been taking the supplements at the same time.  
Or maybe things would have been the same, who knows for sure.
And THAT’S the thought that made me decide to stop the supplements as well last week, instead only taking my daily vitamins, just to see if I noticed any difference.
{I had been taking the supplements just about a month when I stopped, and had been off the Lexapro for almost 3 weeks.}
And then, not two or three days later I felt the oh so familiar (and unwelcome) feeling of anxiety.
{granted we had some may-jah extended family issues come up WHILE I was watching two of my friends kids for two days PLUS my own, AND had a toilet overflow with poo & pee…
ALL at the same time….so…just sayin…}
{and no, it wasn’t MY poo & pee, btw}
I then promptly took two 5-htp’s (the amino for depression & anxiety) and took myself to a quiet place to pray and breathe. 
Crisis adverted.
Two hours later, the edge was gone, and I was able to float off peacefully to sleep.
Now here’s the thing…and the reason why I’ve been hesitant to write about my thoughts and experience. 
I can’t say for sure where the anxiety I had came from.
Was it part of the withdrawals from Lexapro (which is a common withdrawal for people), or was it due to the high amounts of stress we have going on in our life right now?
And was it really anxiety or was it just emotions that I’m not used to experiencing because I’ve been on medicine for 3.5 years?
And then I wonder if the 5-htp really worked or if it was simply a placebo effect?  
Or maybe it was my new found coping skills?
Or maybe, actually, it was God.
{imagine that.}
You see now why this post has been so hard to write?
At this point in my journey…My hope is to continue to do my best to stay off drugs, and continue to learn about all the other natural options and peoples experience with them. 
My plan for now?
I’m going to stay on 5-htp for the next few months, also taking GABA during high stress times, and just see what happens.
MAYBE even…I don’t even have an anxiety disorder, and what I felt back when I started Lexapro was anxiety, but the expected kind, being that I had just watched my grandpa die all the while having a very strong willed 2 year old at the same time.
Or maybe it is an anxiety disorder….and it took until my late 20’s/early 30’s to develop.
I have so many question marks and maybes…and that’s why I’m reading and praying and waiting.
And that’s where the post the other day came from.
God is surely teaching me something.
I realize that sometimes life is hard, sometimes God allows the uncomfortable, for a REASON. 
And while reaching for a pill to fix it seems the best option at times, what I really desire is to learn the lessons I have to learn. 
All I pray is that I am able to hear HIS voice clearly and then be equipped to do exactly what it is HE wants for my life.
Maybe it’s to take a pill again one day.
Who knows?
Actually only HE does…
which is why I’m tapping into my praying powers a lot more these days….
{could this post BE any longer???}
So, I’ll continue to keep you guys updated, but it may not be weekly…
as you can see it’s much more involved than I realized it would be.
{just another lesson in patience I suppose!}
And if you’re on this journey with me…
here’s some recommended reading:
~~~~
In the meantime….I’d love to know…
what’s your experience been with moods/anxiety/depression?
What have you learned on your journey?
{use the comments people, use the comments.}

{my “mom” sent me this song this morning, had to add to the post!}

~~~~~~~
And now that THAT’S outta the way…
tomorrow we’ll keep it light and fresh and happy.
fashion anyone?

© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”
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got moods?

Let’s talk about moods shall we?
Okay, so I wouldn’t so much say I’m a moody girl.
{And uh, let’s not ask Jimmy his opinion on that either.  K?}
I mean, I’m a GIRL so YES I have moods.
Duh.
Personally, I’d like to think of myself as more the sensitive type…
which, okay, I guess is a mood if you want to be all particular.
BUT.
In the past it hasn’t always been that way, I mean I’ve always been sensitive, but at times it’s gone deeper than that.
As much as I hate to admit it…
I have at times struggled with depression and anxiety.
I blame genetics?
Genetics are fun aren’t they?  
Especially when big arms AND depression are somewhere in that mix.  
But here’s the thing I’ve learned in all my many many years…
Just because we have a predisposition towards something does not mean that’s the way it has to be.
If we are dedicated to change and growth and WORK, we can and WE WILL be different.
Hopefully even better.
So just as I’ve applied the Tracy Anderson Method to battle my genetically flappy arms, I have also continued to learn all I can about healing and growth in the anxiety and depression area as well.  At times even, I’ve needed to depend on happy pills (as we affectionately call them in my family) to get me through periods of “extreme sensitivity.” 
Okay, okay…depression.  Anxiety.  Whatever!  =)
But as my quest for health and wellness has developed over the last few years, and I’ve gone more and more natural and organic in my life, I began to wonder if there was a natural EFFECTIVE way of treating depression and anxiety (or other moods) without medication.
And so I began reading and learning more and more, trying to fully understand all the workings of medication, the brain, and how supplements and food can help in healing.  
And then I happened upon the book, The Mood Cure.  But before I bought (into) it, I read every single review I could find, in depth, and only then did I decide I most definitely needed to try it for myself.
Instantly it was on my kindle, and 24 hours later, I had read nearly every word.
Here’s why I’m sharing all this with you.
I know I am not alone in my struggles.  I know that there are a TON of you guys who battle anxiety, depression, eating disorders, stress, the blahs, ADD, or any of the other number of mood disorders out there….and I know that there are SO many people taking happy pills yet are ashamed to admit it.
Let me be clear that I am the FIRST to shout a big loud HURRAH for medication, because I believe that God can and does heal through it.
I am proof.
But.
If there is a way to find healing naturally, that could possibly go ABOVE AND BEYOND what antidepressants or other types of drugs can do, then I am most definitely interested in learning more.
So.
Consider me the guinea pig!
Just as I set out to accomplish the 30 Day Method obeying ALL the rules so that there would be an account of it actually being done…
I want to do the same for The Mood Cure.
{kind of finding that i love taking a journalistic approach to stuff like this!}
I plan to journal through my experience so that there is an account of someone, just like you…who has been there, done that, and wrote the blog to share…
all of the truths, all the highs and lows…the good and the bad…you’ll be sure to have my journey of  it all.
{I’ll most likely keep it to a weekly update}
And of course, if there are ANY of you guys who have walked this path already, I would LOVE to hear your own story.
Or, if you’re like me, ready to try something new…get the book and I invite you to take this journey with me!
All you have to lose….
are your moods.
=)
And soon you’ll be singing this with me as we skip merrily down the street:
{I actually began taking the minimum doses of my “prescribed” supplements last week, but with the pain and emotional distress of the surgery mixed with the pain medication I’ve been on….I decided to hold back on evaluating anything until I was feeling physically better.  Also, I’d like to wean off the pain meds, so nothing is interfering with my brain waves.  See how scientific I am?
So, I’m thinking Monday will be my first official day of “observation.”}

Here’s to shiny happy people laughing….

© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”
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paxil, lexapro, prozac…oh my!

{Triple Threat}

Oooh, got your attention there didn’t I?
So, the older I get, the more I wonder when I’m in a room filled with people, how many of them are on antidepressants?!? I used to think I was the only one. Now, I’m sure that I’m not.
Shoot, I’m not the only one with issues. You know how I know this?
I know this, because I’m not the only with kids.
My first experience with the AD’s was when I was a freshman in High School. As I’ve talked about a little bit before on my blog, I was a victim of rape in 9th grade at a party I should have never been at. And with all the pain and humiliation I went through during and afterwards, my dad brought me to a counselor (thank the LORD!) who suggested I might cope better with the help of Prozac.
I was broken and desperate, and I took that pill as though my life depended on it. 6 months later, I was out of my darkness, and I said goodbye to the big P.
Here’s the great thing about me. Well one of the many great things…I have a predisposition to depression. It’s on both sides, and I’m just one of the lucky daughters who gets to take it on.
Yes, God thinks I’m strong. And I’m not talking about these guns either…although….

{not even close to what’s inside}
For the most part, I’ve been able to keep the depression at bay without meds, except for one other time in my adult life. While most may think the first year of marriage is all about a honeymoon stage, for me, I was F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G out. Freaking out leads to tears, which led to anxiety and pooping and well, eventually back to my happy pills. {I had an amazing husband, obviously, the issues were all about me. It’s me, not you.}
Oh ya people, I really know how to party.
A year later, I chilled out, got my stuff together, and dropped ’em like it’s hot.
But then I had a baby.
And then I had to deal with death while having a kid, who might I mention never stopped whining or crying or throwing himself on the floor when people looked at him…..all the freaking day long.

{Feeling the pain}
And then, let’s really talk about anxiety, the awful, I can’t eat, I need to poop, what is sleep?, no I don’t want to talk on the phone or leave my house, kind of anxiety. And it sucked. Just slightly.
I called my doctor and begged for the pills. Please anything! Shoot, I would have swallowed sushi (I hate sushi) if he told me it would make me better.
He tried one, and after weeks of feeling completely STONED all the while still ANXIOUS, we finally decided that ummmm ya, maybe it just wasn’t the match for me. As much as you would think being stoned could be fun, let me tell you, mixed with anxiety, not so much fun. Nope, not so much.
Was I unfixable?
But then I saw the healer. A new doctor with a new plan.
He spent time with me, reviewed my history, my families history, and really listened to me. And then he broke the news to me. I may very well be a lifer. But I was okay with that. Because my family needs me. And when I’m busy in the bathroom with anxiety poo (don’t eeeeeven get me started on anxiety poo), I can’t very well be a good mother.
It’s now been about two years since I’ve really had any bad long lasting anxiety and even longer for depression. And the longer I go, the more confident I feel. I totally one hundred percent believe God can heal through medication.
I know that there are so many people out there who feel shame about having or needing to take these happy pills, and I just don’t get it.
Life is short, I want to enjoy it. I want to be the best I can possibly be in this life.
So, while some may look down on me or think I’m weak, I know in my heart I am not. I am stronger than I ever believed. And I will do whatever I have to do, take whatever I have to take to be there for my husband and my kids. I am not ashamed.

{I will climb any mountain. For them.}
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
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insomnia & anxiety: there was a time

There was a time when sleep was elusive. I wanted it, hoped for it, and yet it hid from me. A game of hide and seek I didn’t want to play.
Night after night I hoped for the darkness to take over my racing thoughts and mind, and instead it was as though the brightest light shone inside my head causing me to toss and turn, kick my antsy legs, and flail my arms this way and that.
The days became difficult and challenging, the nights were something I feared.
Beware, he said, this could mean it’s coming back.
It was something I didn’t want to experience again.
There was this pill and that pill, both the same yet different. Both working in it’s own unique way. They masked the problem, but the it was still looming. And one of the side effects, the best friend of my youth, began taunting me.
The it I had hoped to never experience again.
The decisions came upon each sunset, should I risk it for sleep? Oh, how I wanted sleep. I took the pill.
The endless nights lacking lucious sleep, the tossing and turning, the wanting and not having, the inability to do what everybody else can do so easily….
In just a matter of time, he was right. Only this time the experience was far worse and frighteningly unfamilar.
My mind gave in, not being able to take a second more. Not strong enough. Not well enough.
Another pill. Another month. Another hope of rest dashed.
Another pill. Another prayer or a thousand. And slowly….a glimmer.
Hope in the little things.
Hope in just one night of falling asleep on my own. Hope in being able to shower and get dressed. Hope in a laugh escaping from my lips. Hope in an hour of feeling like me. Hope, that even though, in just this one moment I am ok, that maybe the next time will be twice as long.
Here I am again, playing that game now two years later. Two years of healing, two years of living on hope and prayers and a little white pill.
And sleep is playing it’s clever little game with me. I know now, this is where it begins. But this is Round 2.
First Round you almost had me. I had no knowledge, no power, no hope.
But I was not defeated then and I will not be now. My thousand prayers, my pill, and my knowledge are with me ever so close this time around. I come guarded, yet not afraid.
Or in other words…
Insomnia sucks, but not more than anxiety. And yet the two are best friends, loving to pull one along with the other.
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
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fear to courage

‘Fears simply reveal where we have yet to grow. And each time we fight and win, that fear turns to courage.’  mike quinn
Fears are never easy to live with. They’re even harder to face. And overcoming them takes courage in itself.
I’ve never been a fearful person. I loved change, loved the unknown, loved adventures. I was fearless, young, unafraid. And so, ten years ago, I bravely packed my car and left for California, without a plan. No friends, no job, no life. Yet, I knew it was to be my home. I had no fear.
As the years moved forward, taking my maturity with it, I began to learn. Life began to happen. Pain multiplied. It became something real, not just something internal I chose to torture myself with. It was tangible. It was there. There became something to lose.
I fell in love. With a man, with my babies, with my life. I now had something, someones, to lose.
And when life began to happen to me, seeing that it reached out beyond me, I found fear.
Life brought me anxiety. Anxiety brought me fear.
Yet I vowed. I would not be held captive. I would fight. For me, for my loves.
I find many things that remind me of that time. That time of life was not kind. And when I face them, I want to run. I want to hide, because what if? What if I don’t conquer? What if I lose? What if, once again, it is not just me who will hurt?
Fears simply reveal where we have yet to grow. And each time we fight and win, that fear turns to courage.
And then I remember that truth. I must press forward, face the fear, and walk away armored with growth and courage.
Slowly, I feel the freedom. Hesitantly I face the reminders. There remains just one more. In time, in short time, I will be face to face with the final hurdle. But I won’t run. I won’t hide. I won’t allow in that fear that wants to grip my thoughts and mind.
For again, I now have something to lose. But even more to gain.
My loves. Because from me, they will learn. From me, they will grow. 
As long as I continue to face the fear. 
© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”
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