anxiety Archives - Page 2 of 5

i’m just going to come out and say it

March 22, 2012

I’m sitting here right now, and it’s really late. Like midnight late.
I should be sleeping because my kids like to wake up early and make the most of their days.
{where on earth did they learn this is what I want to know….}
But instead, I’m at my kitchen table in the dark, alone and feeling….content.

Or should I venture to say it?

happy.

2011 was a rough year.
Between pancreatitis and losing my gallbladder and trying to treat anxiety naturally….there were plenty of very low lows.
I remember dreading the mornings, and longing for the nights.
All I wanted was sleep, rest, relief.
I felt like a terrible mom and wondered why God had even allowed me children.
I tried to pray and draw near to God, but I just couldn’t feel Him.
Don’t get me wrong, He was there….but I was too lost to feel Him.

I felt no joy and was sure this was to be my life, and I would simply just have to put one foot in front of the other and walk forwards until one day it became a habit.
I would smile on the outside, and struggle on the inside.

And while this may sound dark, but in the depths of my anxiety, I felt I had a glimpse of what hell must be like.
An eternity without hope or joy.
And that’s exactly where I was…

But I never gave up.
I’ve never been a quitter.
{well, except for beauty school, but let’s not count that right now.}
But that’s mostly because God’s spirit within me wouldn’t allow it.
He nudged me, and while I couldn’t see it then, I definitely see it now.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

And though I don’t like to spend much time thinking on the last few months of 2011 for too long, I at times allow myself a moment or two.
Because I know I had to walk through it.
Again.
I had to in order to be where I am right now in the middle of my kitchen at midnight….

content.

happy.

Nothing is different.
Except I gave up control.
I stopped trying to fix myself by myself.

we weren’t meant to do this alone.

I finally allowed God and others to speak into my life and I accepted help when it was needed.
And when I finally was able to do that?
I suddenly felt God again.

He had always been there.

“the Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.”

exodus 14:14

And while I now have answers to the some of the why’s and I am realizing that there IS a reason behind the struggles, the funny thing is….
even before the answers, simply by letting go, I was already on the road to contentment.

And now….I am excited to wake up.
Okay not excited per se, but I do it now without anxiety.
And then at 10 am, I really AM happy to be awake.
I savor every moment with my kids.
{except for when they’re annoying me, and then I call a babysitter.}
But then I go somewhere alone and savor them from a distance.

I look forward to my future…because for the most part I have hope again.

I have joy.

Things aren’t perfect in my life by any means.

Nothing significant has changed situationally.

There’s still no massive growing of my blog and my dream of a book deal has yet to be offered…

There are still relationships in my life that need healing.

There are still moments of bad moods, anxiety, and tears….

But through it all, right now, in this moment….and actually in many moments before I sat to write it all out…

I realize I am blessed!!!

At my core I am happy, and I cling to moments like these where hope and joy are as clear as the morning sky after a storm.

I have the clarity, because I have battled through the storm.

And I know I will battle many more.

And you know what?

So will you.

But I love that we will walk these paths, bumpy or smooth…(or perhaps filled will peri type moments)…

together.

Whatever it may be….we won’t be alone.

We have this place.

We have this community.

We have each other.

And through it all we will help each other find the joy.

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you cant positive think your way out of hormones

March 21, 2012

So.

You know how I’ve spoken of PMS before, and how it’s kinda not the best time around these parts?

Well, if you think PMS is bad, try out a little PERIMENOPAUSE!!!

Ooooo hoooo ya baby. That right there, are SOME real good times….

And I should know…because I, at age 33…..have been diagnosed.

Well almost.

At present time of writing, it’s been 9 months of low progesterone.

And I guess to be “officially” considered part of the peri club, you have to have it for 12 months…

but come on, the writing’s on the wall.

Or uh, on the blog.

This post?

And this post?

Oh, and this time and that time???

It wasn’t me!!!

It was my new ~~excuse~~ BFF Peri!!!!

Actually, Jimmy’s had the chance to get to know her quite well too….

we’re a happy go lucky threesome around here.

Allllll the month long.

Now.

I’m still in the learning stages, but from what my 2nd opinion Dr. has told me,

(this would DR. GOOGLE, very reliable guy he is),

is that not only is perimenopause a random fluctuation of hormones throughout the month, but it can last years!

Like TENOFTHEM!!!!

And then???

You get MENOPAUSE!!!

Being a woman?

Is kind of awesome!!!

{all the !!!!’s are making me feel better, just roll with me here.}

Girls, I know how to make things FUN and INTERESTING around my house!

This is GREAT news for you who may happen to like reading my blog, because this just means I have at LEAST 10 more years of good story telling and plenty of time to find the humor in it all.

{maybe one day i’ll even get PAID to write! Imagine that?!?}

The BAD news is….

Well, poor Jimmy.

Recently we had a “little tiff”…I think right after a bout of PMS, where I complained of a headache.

{another peri symptom right there! gotta love it!}

It was just one PMS headache too many for him I suppose, and out came a quote I’m pretty sure he wishes he could now take back….

“Well, of course you do…it’s always been something with you. You know, I understand things have been hard, but maybe you could try to look at the bright side once in awhile LIKE I DO.”

He said that.

FOR REALS.

{you just can’t make that stuff up.}

And he said it OUT LOUD in the middle of Costco, which is a good thing I guess, because I tend not to get feisty (or “peri” as we say now) around free food samples, so I held it in until we got home.

and my word was that ever a fun afternoon….

But when I sat in the doctors office last week and got the diagnosis, not only did I feel relief that there was an actual medical REASON for my “fun days”, but I almost hugged her when she said….

“This may explain your sudden and random anxiety. Low progesterone can cause that to happen out of nowhere, and you just CAN’T POSITIVE THINK YOUR WAY OUT OF A HORMONE IMBALANCE.”

She said that.

FOR REALS.

And I may have asked her to write that down and sign her official doctors name to it, so I could have a legitimate doctors note for my husband to see the next time he wanted to get sassy at Costco.

So, there we go.

Now we know.

I may have some hormones to sort out (shocker!) and maybe a little weight to lose (hello Tracy!), but now we know what’s causing it, and it’s FIXABLE.

Except on the off “peri” days it isn’t, but that’s okay because I now HAVE A DOCTORS NOTE.

Being 33 is awesome.

{also? found out my cholesterol is high on the same day. just hand me a walker and let’s be done with it.}

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where anxiety is, the mind follows.

February 28, 2012

There’s this thing about anxiety.
It creates fear when there is no obvious reason to be afraid.

It’s like hearing a scary noise that nobody else can hear but you.
And it makes your heart beat a little faster, and your palms get a little sweaty….
and if you’re me….
it makes you have to poop.

but then again, what doesn’t make me have to poop???
{among the list: spending too much money, flying, stress, the morning, caffeine, sugar….in case you wondered}

Another thing about MY kind of anxiety….is that when it happens, I tend to go immediately to my worst case scenario.

Which is…..

Are you ready for this???

Becoming homeless.

And crazy.

And of course, it’s all because “I once had anxiety…”
and I am convinced that’s how homelessness and crazy begins.

With anxiety.

And then not only would I be lost in a state of anxiety, but where would I poop???

And because I have this fear….I kind of have a hard time refraining from asking any crazed homeless person I come across if it all started with anxiety for them.
Cause you know, I come across them often.
Which I don’t.

Because I’m prone to anxiety.

Once, us youth group leaders were asked to take our individual group of girls out on a service night. You know, to serve other people.

And one of my best friends and I decided to team up our girls and make a plan.
Somewhere in the planning, feeding the homeless came up.
Perhaps by me?

{it’s just that my heart aches for those poor people, for which i mostly relate to because I TOO have anxiety. you know, where it all began for them. i get them.}

But as soon as it was suggested, I immediately suggested something else.

“It’s just that…..I can’t really be around the homeless right now. I can’t even go downtown to visit Jimmy at work anymore…” I tried to explain.

“And why is this?” she cautiously asked.

And then I decided it was time someone OTHER than Jimmy hear my constant irrational thoughts and fears.

She was about to go from being just a friend, to now becoming one of my “inner circle.”
{where you are all about to be as well….because i’m about to go full disclosure here.}

“Because I am convinced they are all there because they once had anxiety and it drove them to insanity and now they are on the streets. Homeless. And crazy. And talking to themselves. With the need to poop and nowhere to go but their pants. And I know when I see them, I will be forced to ask them to tell me the truth, and they will….they will tell me about the day the anxiety switched to crazy. And there just isn’t enough medicine in the world for me to handle that kind of truth.”

There.
It was finally out there.

And then….she laughed.

Which made me laugh….
Because when people laugh at me, I’ve learned to laugh along.
It’s less awkward that way.

“Summer.” She began.
“THAT will never happen. First of all they did NOT start out with anxiety. And if they did, it probably then lead them to drugs and alcohol before the REAL crazy kicked in. And also? They probably didn’t have a support system in place to get them help, and YOU DO.”

“But, what if Jimmy can’t handle me anymore and he leaves me, and then I really lose it?” I retorted. Because you see, my anxiety already has this all worked out.

She continued….
“IF that were to happen, you can always come and live with me. I promise, you will always be cared for. You WILL NOT end up on the streets homeless and crazy.”

And while Jimmy has told me that over and over again, hearing it from her suddenly caused my heart to soften.

I still wasn’t convinced that anxiety wouldn’t lead to crazy, but I was starting to feel a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I’d at least be a crazy with a place to live.

“Okay.” I responded slowly.
“It’s a deal. But to make it up to you, I will allow you to bring me out at parties as your entertainment. Teach me to do things or tricks that make them laugh, and then somehow I’ll feel like I’m making it up to you.”

“Deal.” She said.

And that night?
I slept a little better.
And the next day?
I felt a little lighter!

Then a few months later when I finally decided to tell my counselor about this anxiety homeless fear….she began with the same comforting words….
“But you have a support system in place, that will never happen.”

And I was actually able to respond WITH CONFIDENCE,
“Oh yes, I know. My friend Leah has already promised me a room in her house.”

And that you guys, is why we need to be honest with each other about our thoughts and fears….
because when the comfort of our husbands words aren’t quite enough,
the promise of crazy care from a friend sometimes is.

Sometimes a girlfriend gets you in a way nobody else can.

And this way, on the chance anxiety one day DOES lead to crazy….
You can be rest assured, you will always have a place to call home.

And more importantly, you’ll always have a place to poop.

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it’s what i wore out: the happy days

January 10, 2012

‘

what i’m wearing:

~ vintage (thrifted) pleated skirt, which i wear often and love.

~vintage animal print top that i just found this weekend at a random thrift store by the beach. $4.
Yum, yum.

~wedge boots, um also thrifted a year or two back.

~the ring and chunky bracelet is from a boutique in texas

~gold necklace also thrifted

~monogram necklace is of course my favorite, Jennifer Zeuner.

Looking at these pictures makes me smile inside….

Because the day these pictures were taken was a good day.

We went to church (it was an incredible message) and the rest of the day I enjoyed every moment of my kids and our family time.

But as the day came to a close, I began to feel the familiar tinge of a funk coming on.

And then this morning I woke up feeling like I had taken a million steps back on the anxiety train.

It’s times like this that I just want to hide away.

Hide from you and this blog and my friends and my family.

Because who wants to hear that I am ONCE AGAIN struggling?

Same broken record, different day.

But, the Lord gently reminds me that we are ALL broken in some way.

We are all struggling in something.

And if we’re not now….we’re not far away from one.

So here I am….vulnerable.

Sharing my heart and soul, in the times of happiness and joy and especially in the moments of heartbreak and despair.

I am trying to keep the faith and hope.

Clinging to the promises and friends I know are true.

And counting every single blessing I have been given.

Especially the blessing of my husband….

who is incredibly patient, and loving and so full of mercy and grace.

How I got so incredibly lucky as to have him, I have no idea.

But I can’t wait for the day that this struggle is COMPLETELY behind me, so that I can show him just how much he means in my life.

Today is hard.

But I cling to the hope of tomorrow.

And the day after that.

And of course, it’s through your love and prayers that He provides me courage and strength.

xoxo

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it’s what i wore out: black on black

November 16, 2011

{could not edit out that dang red eye for the life of picnik. grrr}

what i’m wearing: vintage dress: thrift store, f21 leggings & boots, apple bottoms leather jacket: thrift store, world market necklace, socks: tj maxx

*******

Last weekend the kids went and spent a night with their Nana & Papa, and I had a full 24 hours to rest and unwind with my man.
With all that I’ve been dealing with these last few weeks, it was a much needed break.
Then when Jimmy mentioned a trip to TJ Maxx and Target, I immediately perked up and decided it was time to put some makeup on and get dressed.
And wouldn’t you know, once I was shopping, I started feeling SO much better.
Weird.
{plus, i found an amazing black cape for HALF off at TJ Maxx, i just about died. and they have more. go now. thank me with gifts later.}

Slowly but surely, I’m getting better.
It’s a process, and some days are tougher than others….
but it’s good to know that prayer combined with friends, family, and shopping are all I need to start feeling a smidgen better.

And to you guys, my incredible friends and readers, thank you for your support and prayers.
With each comment, each tweet or text, I am encouraged and uplifted.
You ARE so totally helping….and I am truly blessed.

God IS my strength and my shield, and He is building me up for something…
I just gotta finish being refined.

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be at peace, put aside anxious thoughts

November 15, 2011

Last week in the midst of my tough moments, I saw this prayer (see below for the prayer) on my friend Misty’s instagram, and it gave me chills.

Good chills.

Hope chills may be more like it.

I immediately googled the words to find the entire passage and then wrote it on a slip of paper and put it in my purse. I can’t tell you how many times I have read that paper.

I then wrote a portion of it on the mirror in my bathroom where I get ready every day….it was something I needed to read and be reminded of.

Often.

Today when I got out of the shower I couldn’t help but notice it again, only this time it took on a whole new meaning.

The mirror was foggy and “crying” just as I have been over these last few weeks.

But there the words remained, true as ever, even through the fog and tears.

We may not feel Him when we hurt.

We may not believe the truth behind the words, but we must say them anyway…simply out of trust and faith.

Though we may be foggy and hurt and sad and confused, still His truth remains.

He is and always will be our strength and our shield.

And when the fog clears, and the tears are dry and gone….

The words will remain and our faith will be deeper.

We will be stronger.

We will have survived.

~~~~~~~

Prayer for Unfailing Strength

Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow, the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day.

Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.

Be at peace then.

Put aside anxious thoughts and imaginations and say continually,

“The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart has trusted in Him and I am helped. He is not only with me, but in me, and I in Him.”

{scripture to back that up}

Matthew 6:25-34

Psalm 28:7

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a letter to my kids about anxiety….

November 2, 2011

anxiety

My sweet Taylor and Chloe….

Before I explain things to you, know that I love you.
Beyond words.
I love you that much.

And it is because I love you that I need you to know that I am not perfect.
And sometimes my imperfections may hurt you.
Sometimes you might even think that what I struggle with has something to do with you, and you’ll wish things were different.
And trust me.
Sometimes so do I.
So do I.

The truth is, every single one of us in this world has a struggle.
We all have something that we have to continually work and fight against, something that causes us to cling just a little tighter to our Savior.

And mine?
In this moment happens to be longer than I’d like moments of anxiety and sadness.
It comes without warning and goes just the same.
And it’s not because I don’t love God enough, because I do, maybe even more now than I ever did before.

I love Him and have given Him my whole heart and soul, and because of that, even in my anxiety, I still have peace. And I accept that this is simply my struggle for now, the thorn in my side that causes me to rely only on the Lord’s strength, rather than my own.

I need you to know that I am a fighter.
I may cry and freeze up from time to time, but I do not and I will not lay down and let this take over me. Because I have the power of God that lives within me, daily I am able to take up my cross and call upon Him to be my strength.

You must know and BELIEVE that this has NOTHING to do with you….or my love for you.
When I need to go in my room to find a peaceful moment, it’s not because I don’t love you.
When I seem to be short tempered, it’s not because you are or have done anything wrong.
When I have tears in my eyes, it’s simply because I am hurting, but never because of anything you did or anything you are.
This is simply me….living and learning, taking each moment as it comes, and accepting the challenge God has placed before me.

My babies, also know this.

Sadness, depression, anxiety or the like….is not necessarily wrong, nor is it always our fault that we feel these things. But we need to remember that it cannot HAVE US.
We cannot give in to it.

It is my faith in Christ, (as well as my love for daddy and the two of you), that I have found it in me to fight. I will do whatever it is I have to do to be the best mom and wife I can be. I will fight this battle with all that God has given me so that I am able to come out of this one day stronger and better able to live the life He created me to live.

But, right now….I am still struggling.
Still fighting.
And still, perhaps, not entirely the best mom and wife I dreamed I would be.
I get sad.
I get anxiety.
I feel broken and scared.
I am so incredibly human.

For whatever reason, God is allowing this in my life at this time.
But He is sovereign. He has plan.
In Him, there IS always a purpose.
We may not see it. I know I don’t right now.
But even if I never do, still I trust in Him.
The details, the results, those are all meant to be left in His capable hands.
The faith and worship despite the circumstances, well that is simply all I can do.

I have learned that often in our harder times of life, the Lord sometimes speaks the loudest. And I am in a place where I hear him ever so clearly, and it is sweet.
His hugs show up daily in so many ways, and through so many people, and it is sweet.
And so, I continue to cling to those each and every moment they come.
It isn’t easy, but with the Lord, it is always sweet.

More than anything, that is what I hope you take from this time of our life.
Though we will have our struggles, these times can also be our sweetest and most tender moments with Him if we allow it.
I can’t be perfect for you.
But I hope I can at the very least teach you that.

My greatest fear has been that you’ll think I was weak.
Or worse that God wasn’t good or strong enough to make it all go away in an instant.

Instead I hope you’ll know that it was me fighting a battle He needed me to walk through.
That your mom is strong, but that our God is infinitely stronger.
And I hope you’ll see that by putting all our faith in a mighty and all powerful Holy God, there is still able to be unbelievable joy and even greater beauty despite the pain.

I love you.

xo,
Mommy

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

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masks

October 31, 2011

remembering_rae_by_airplaneeatssky-d4ei6yy_large

We all wear a mask.

Sometimes we wear more than one.

And sometimes we we wear so many, we don’t even know who we are without one.

We talked about this recently with our youth group, and even more recently our pastor spoke on it in church.

Why are we so afraid to share who we really are?

Why are we so reluctant to ACCEPT those who are sharing their true authentic selves?

Does it make us uncomfortable in our skin, because maybe we see too much of ourselves in their weaknesses?

I am guilty of wearing masks.

And while I’d like to think that I wear them because it’s who I so desire to be, what I should be more focused on is not pretending but BECOMING that person.

The truth?

I am not always confident.

Sometimes and often I am insecure and I care far too much what others think about me.

I am not always happy and outgoing.

I struggle, daily sometimes, with anxiety and fear.

I am not always strong in my faith and in my relationship with God.

There are days I have questions and feel so far from His presence.

This is me.

This is where I am at this moment in my life.

And I know, despite appearances and masks, God still sees what is there…

yet He LOVES and ACCEPTS me right where I am.

As we walk around today, seeing the costumes and masks that consume Halloween, I pray we all can take a minute and think about the masks we ourselves are wearing.

And more importantly, know that even without those masks….

as imperfect and weak as we think we are…

We are still worthy of love and acceptance.

Wearing a mask may be the “in” thing to do.
But are you willing to go against the crowd?

*~~~~~~~*

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David.

A psalm.

¹ You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue

you, LORD, know it completely.

⁵ You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

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physical, emotional, spiritual

October 24, 2011

when i talked about paths…it was because i was on one of my own.

a path to find healing, a path i felt God had prompted me on…but one i took off on all on my own.

i prayed and pondered about it all of course, but it was more that He would accompany me on the journey I had mapped out.

a loved one recently brought to my attention that perhaps i wasn’t feeling complete and healed because i had spent so much time and effort on the physical aspects.

it was a gentle reminder that it takes having the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional parts of ourselves in balance before we can truly find joy and contentment.

she was my hug from God.

my gentle nudge toward a new direction and new truths.

i have absolutely been paying less attention to the emotional and spiritual aspects of my heart and life, and have instead been incredibly focused on healing what is physically wrong.

vitamins, supplements, holistic health, working out, eating clean and organic….i was a check, check, checkin’ it all off.

but where have i been in dealing (and healing) in my hurt of what feels like the loss of another parent?

where am i in growing my faith and my intimate relationship with the Lord?

and has the time i’ve spent in the physical been equally contributed between all three?

absolutely not.

so last week was the beginning.

i let a few things go for a moment.

i needed to reboot.

i spent time with people i love and adore.
i had my youth group girls over for the night and soaked in the joy each one of them brings.

i sat and read books to my kids, snuggled on the couch with my husband, and spent concentrated moments thinking on and being grateful and thankful.

each morning i sat before my bible and the Lord, and before reading a word, i simply asked him to show me what HE had for me to learn this day.

i am putting aside my will.

my plans.

my desires.

and waiting on him.
because in him, ALL things are made beautiful.

{sunset from my porch}

{a lot of you have ever so sweetly asked and checked on me in regards to the anxiety and treating it naturally…and i think this particular post as well as the paths post kinda sums up where i am at the moment. just. in the moment.}

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we’re not to waste the moments

September 27, 2011

i’m more comfortable when things are easy.

the smiles come more often, the laughter is easy and free.

i feel closer to who i am, who i believe i am meant to be.

i could sit pretty in that lovely little happy place and never grow an inch.

but when things are shaken up in my life, in my heart, in my head…

i always seem to want to ask why.

why me?

why again?

in those times i feel so far from who i’m meant to be and i experience such a loss of hope and joy.

i want to run and hide and pout and cry.

i do not want, for one minute longer, to endure that kind of discomfort.

but in those moments?

that’s when the real me, completely bare and vulnerable, is exposed.

and in those moments, i have the most honest and real conversations with God.

without those moments…

how would i ever experience the love and mercy and grace and compassion that i receive from The Lord?

where would my own love and mercy and grace and compassion be for others, had i not walked down my own rocky road?

and it is because of and through those moments, that i have found the most amazing and loving and most treasured girlfriends i could ever have hoped to have.

in those moments i have found a love and a trust with my husband that i never knew could exist…

all because they know me and have loved me,

in my weakest moments.

i may not want those moments.

i may wish and pray and hope that they are far far behind me.

but should (and when) they arrive as an unexpected package on my doorstep,

i will choose to embrace the gift and find the hidden treasure.

i will not waste this life He’s given me.

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