when church hurts

“There is surprising comfort in the realization that God is so unlike you and me.  The fact that He’s not like us is the reason we can run to Him for rescue.”  –Joshua Harris, Dug Down Deep

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It’s been a year.  This 2013.
It’s been that way for many of those I love too, what’s the deal?

I think I’d call it, “The year of questioning…EVERYTHING.”

Seriously, you name it: Marriage, parenting, my purpose, my faith, my blog and “career..,” friendships, homeschooling, and of course….me.
I am constantly questioning myself.
Probably more than anything else.

A life changing experience recently….actually about 6 months ago, (it’s taken me some time to process through it all), was when we left the church we had been attending for quite some time.

We prayed long and hard and we both knew that it was a decision we needed to make and it was tough.
It was a seeker friendly church, and we needed more.
We craved deeper relationships that extended beyond the meet and greet outside of Sunday Service in the courtyard.
We craved deeper study of the bible and scripture.

But I experienced incredible sadness knowing I would have to say goodbye to the youth group girls that had become such a part of my heart.
I knew that in leaving, those relationships would change.
Somebody else would step into my role and become their mentor, taking them through the final years of their high school experience.
I didn’t want to let go of that, but I was drowning…and in truth, we were hungry trying to feed the hungry.

God was calling us to something new.

Without going into details, leaving was unpleasant.
We shared our hearts, and in doing that, hearts were hurt.

Careless letters were written, hearts were broken, and trust was damaged.
And rather than craving something deeper, instead I found myself utterly broken.

I try and try to go back to the moment where The Lord grabbed hold of my heart last Good Friday and made it quite clear by reminding me to, “Look ONLY at ME.”

And I had been….until church hurt, and then I found myself once again looking at “Him” through the filter of other christians.
And it was devastating.

I’ve been a christian for as long as I can remember.
I always believed.
I’ve always found faith easy.
Jesus was my hero, and even when I wasn’t living it, I was loving Him in the depths of my heart.

Loving Him is good and right, but to truly know the one you love, sometimes you need facts.
Facts can’t take His place, but I can’t know Him without them.
So it seems that now I’m in the depths of working out my faith with fear and trembling, and I hope that through it all, roots are growing deeper and stronger.

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“When the Bible calls God holy, it means primarily that God is transcendentally separate.  He is so far above and beyond us that He seems almost totally foreign to us.” -R.C. Sproul
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My deepest desire is that when I come out of this place of struggle and questioning, that God would put me back together even better than I was before.

I want to be the christian, the CHRIST FOLLOWER, that sets aside my ego, my plans, my emotions and feelings, and instead looks only to the hearts and needs of those around me.
I dont want to ever be the Christ Follower that makes others doubt Christ is real, the way I have experienced.

Is that even possible though?
I am so flawed.
I am daily making selfish mistakes, either out loud or in the depths of my heart.

But my DESIRE, my HEART, is to be different.

And maybe that’s what 2013 has been all about.
Maybe that’s why I am here.
Maybe that’s why I have doubts and questions and the entire engine of my car (faith) is being taken apart right before my eyes.

I’m inspecting what’s right and what isn’t…
Pinning fact against fiction, rumors against truth.

And when it all comes back together, and my car is ready to take off driving again, I pray it’s a road filled with unbending faith, love, kindness, forgiveness, healing, mercy and grace.

 

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