I knew something was wrong when I was in bed and on Facebook the other night, and realized that without intention there were tears quietly sliding my cheeks.
I felt heaviness.
And it prompted me to listen.
I put away my phone, rolled over to my side and shut my eyes tightly, wiping away the tears.
It was 11pm and God was getting ready to speak.
He’s been doing that a lot lately.
I’m much too busy and distracted during the day to hear Him clearly, so if it has to wait until the quietness of night, so be it.
He has me in this place where I am totally, completely, and utterly at the end of me.
In fact, I’m kind of sick of myself to be honest.
I have stuff inside, junk and ick and a whirly ball of why’s and why not’s…and for a long time I’ve justified it because of this or that or what’s happened in my life.
But lately, I honestly want nothing to do with blame.
I just want to address what’s in there, face it head on, and fully surrender to whatever it is the Lord wants to show me.
That Facebook night, I heard Him asking…
“Would you give it all up? All of it…for me?”
It seems like an easy question to answer when someone who died for you asks you this…
But when I really began to think of all the things He could ask me to give up, I truly paused.
And the thoughts that created my pause, should have made the tears fall again, because it really is just…sad.
Let me just be painfully honest with you on where my mind goes.
What if He wanted me to give up my bed?
Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited to have such an incredibly comfortable bed???
Okay, yes God.
I’d give up my bed.
For another bed.
As long as there are no bed bugs.
And if it could be at least a queen, that would be great, considering I have to share it with Jimmy and we each prefer to have a side.
And then I thought…what if He wanted me to give up my hair appointments???
My heart just stopped.
Literally, it’s not beating.
I may have just died for a minute.
MY HAIR APPOINTMENTS???
Do you even know what color my natural hair is???
I know, me either!!!
But, I DO KNOW that it involves quite a lot of whitish gray hairs that prefer to stand STRAIGHT UP, and that it’s the exact opposite of how I’d choose my hair to be. Meaning I prefer my hair to LAY straight down.
I also prefer blonde.
So, what if God asked me to give up my hair appointments???
“Let me get back to you God on that one…”
Or what if God asked me to give up writing?
What if He said,
“Just stop. It’s not about them right now. Live simply for me. Would you do that?”
And with that thought, I find my soul aches.
Which leads me to believe it’s not what He’s asking. (i pray…)
But makes me wonder if I need to be re-evaluating WHAT I choose to write about instead…
Unfortunately, for me, this isn’t one of those posts where I’m able to end it with a moral or a lesson learned…
because that’s not how my life is.
Especially not lately.
It’s a whole lot of hard questions.
An uncomfortable amount of brutal honesty.
And an unbelieveable amount of humility I never knew I needed to learn.
But like I’ve been saying, God is truly at work in my life, and He has a whole lot to say.
So, I’m being still as much as I can, and simply soaking it all in.
Especially when Facebook makes me cry…