i was 14.
young and naive and scared because my life at home was torn and broken.
i was a christian, yet incredibly confused because it seemed i couldn’t find God’s face no matter how hard i tried.
i felt so alone and there was a crowd that seemed to be happy and free and not at all scared to be who they were.
i went to that crowd, and i quickly bent to the things they were doing.
i was 14.
there with that crowd.
at a party with kids a lot older and sadly for them, a lot more experienced than me.
i went alone, and found myself alone…and for the first time of my life, not at all sober.
i asked him to stop.
the room was spinning.
i begged him to go.
the tears were falling.
i told him how God would be so mad at me if he did this, “just please please stop!!!”
i cried, sobbing the word “no” over and over again…until I lost hope and no longer felt a part of the experience.
and when he was done and before the door was closed, all I heard was,
“don’t leave this room.”
and with the click of the door, my life was changed.
I spent my childhood/teenage years dreaming of my wedding, of my happily ever after, and in those dreams I knew that on my wedding night I would be pure.
It’s what I was taught.
It’s what my faith, as loose as I held it then, showed me was the right thing to do.
And I believed that I was going to be that good girl.
And when suddenly that gift I wanted to give was stolen from me, I was left with a whole lot of nothing.
I felt I was nothing.
Because he saw me as nothing.
He stole from me so much more than my virginity.
It’s amazing what a moment will do.
How it can make you so small, so broken, so dirty, so incredibly insignificant…
worth absolutely nothing.
And because I didn’t have godly women/mentors to speak into my life at that time, I had nobody to stop me from walking into even more pain.
You see, I stopped caring.
Nobody had been there to save me.
Nobody was there to stand up for me.
Nobody stopped what was so obviously happening, and now?
God was mad at me.
You can never imagine that kind of shame.
In my eyes, I was used goods.
What could I ever possibly offer my husband one day?
And so, I loosened my grip on my faith even more, and instead sought out to make right of what had been so wrong.
My first time had been an experience of hell.
And I was determined that from then on, I would be in charge of every time after that.
So for years, I offered myself when it “felt right.”
Feeling worthless, in hopes that when it was over, somehow that feeling of meaning…of worth… would return.
It never did.
Instead, I would curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably.
Aching for my mistakes, knowing it wasn’t right, and then continuing to feel as though there was nothing else I could possibly do.
In my broken cloudy mind, I couldn’t see the truth.
“Born again virgin.”
We hear it said often now.
But it was something nobody had ever explained to me then.
Even so, had it been shared, I’m not entirely sure it would have been enough to stop me from my destructive behaviors.
What I needed to be told is what I’m sharing with you now.
You are so much more.
YOU, who may feel so broken, so unworthy, so dirty and used…
ARE SO MUCH MORE.
And here is why.
Our incredible Creator, the one who hung the stars and spoke majestic mountains into place, thought enough of you to breathe life into your very being.
Think about that.
Think about how carefully and thoughtfully an artist creates a masterpiece.
You are his masterpiece.
You are worthy.
Not a single person, or a single experience can ever EVER change that.
Those times you may have messed up, or were tragically hurt and used…
He was there with you.
Crying with you.
Longing for you to reach out to him so he could hold you and heal you.
You have a choice.
You can walk the sinful path I did, which caused me and so many others incredible pain.
Or you can run to the forgiving and healing arms of your Heavenly Father.
Those thoughts of “What could I possibly have to offer someone someday, when I am so dirty… so used… so broken…” are thoughts from the enemy.
You are more than just a gift of Purity.
You are God’s chosen person.
You are his masterpiece.
You have value and are worthy because Christ died and made it so.
No matter what may have caused you to stumble, fight against the lies you hear, and cling with all your strength instead to what is true.
And the truth is, in Him, you will be completely cleansed and restored.
“…having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Ephesians 5:25-27
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
There are other incredible women and authors sharing their stories and wisdom on purity. I encourage to you spend some time really meditating on this issue, and finding even more truth for you to put on and wear daily.
Head here for the complete list.
© 2013 “Le Musings of Moi”