just please…put it down

A sob catches in my throat and I blink quickly.
My heart begins to quicken and slowly I hang my head in shame.

Heavily my eyes begin to close which only releases my once contained tears.

It’s dark and everyone sleeps.
My world is quiet, my mind is not.

All the stuffing, literally and emotionally, begins to bubble over my tightened lid.

I long to write.
To search.
To dig.
Simply just to understand what is happening.

And for the first time in a place like this, I find there is nothing.
There are no words.
I type only to go back and erase.

All the images, the emotions, the regret and pain, hope and sorrow all jumble together to form something not a single word can capture.

Yet, I hear in the midst of all that confusion… a still small voice.
It wants to calm me.
It longs to comfort me.
It wants to take away all the guilt and shame…

That much I know.

But, I have piled on so much over the months that I can barely hear.
Besides, I have found comfort elsewhere, and this voice is now less familiar.

How quickly it becomes unfamiliar.

I have been craving…
Every day.
Every night.
I crave.

But tonight?
Tonight I hear Him.
“Put it down.” He whispers.
“Enough.”

There is no condemnation.
Not a hint anger.
But I feel His sadness.
I’ve been lost and hurting and stuffing…
all the while there He stood with arms open wide…

…only to watch me walk away towards false comforts.

What He must feel to love someone so much He died for them…
And yet stand there completely absolutely abandoned…

Still here He is, whispering His heart of unconditional Love.

“Beloved, I never walked away, I’ve been here all along.  Simply waiting.  Just please…put it down.  Take my hand, and let me be your comfort and healing from this moment on…”

And finally I hear Him.
So I’m listening.
I’m putting it down.
And instead I grasp His hand.

~~~~~~~

And I realize…
That is why I had no words.
Because He needed a chance to speak His.

photo credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/27285305/via/FicouSaudade