While on this missions trip to the Dominican, I’ve found that I’ve learned the best lessons through my nightly reflections and journaling. Today, and through next week, I’ll be sharing bits and pieces of exactly what my heart has experienced…
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Tomorrow I need to be still.
I need to stop and pray more.
I am far more broken on this trip than I ever expected to be.
I was going to be strong.
I was going to bond with my son, and show him how to serve.
I would show him strength, and maturity in our faith, and he would learn.
He would see.
He would be better for what I showed him.
And yet, here I am, broken.
So incredibly broken.
Especially without my medicine I rely on for strength, as I’ve found, far more than I have ever relied on God.
As each day goes on, my symptoms show more, and I can’t stop the thoughts, as wrong as they are….”Why did God leave me? Why is Satan having his way? Why me, God, why me?”
That strength I hoped to have?
That example of faith?
That bonding?
Seems to be a distant hope.
I haven’t been as patient with Taylor as I had hoped.
I wanted to be his example.
Instead I’ve been an example of failure.
Of imperfection.
Of exactly what not to be.
Of exactly how weak a person can be.
And yet, in the very moment I write that, I hear the Holy Spirit whispering to my soul….
“You are the example he needs of an incredibly imperfect person who is depending totally and completely on a perfect Savior. You are the exact example I have called you to be. You are not perfect. You never will be. And neither will he. He knows that, he feels that, he says that. Show him how to fall on your knees seeking only after the Lord in these moments. It’s not about showing him your example, but simply about showing him Me. Look only at me.”
As I write that, I feel a calm.
The symptoms I have been battling are suddenly gone, and I am at ease, settling into the comforting arms of Jesus, as His spirit bring a comfort only He can provide.
I feel His strength, as I no longer have any of my own.
I remember His word on my sweet sweet Good Friday….
“I love you Summer. Look only at me.”
The two things I thought I needed to get me through this trip are gone, my medicine and my phone which was accidentally broken by one of the kids in the center.
I now have only my bible, my prayers, my son, and the support of my team that has come to serve as well.
More importantly, and truly, I am left ultimately with Him.
Looking only at Him
I should have known, with the words He told me only days before….
I don’t understand God, sometimes.
Especially when I am feeling the stinging pains of discomfort.
But I understand now the desperate need to cling to Him.
Without the “comforts” of my life, He has made that clear.
reading the spanish bible taylor brought to the center….looking only at Him.
© 2013 “Le Musings of Moi”
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