outside the circle | seeking acceptance

There before me is a circle.
And as I look down, I see that I’m there…at the circle, oh so close…
But when I look down, I realize that while my toes are slightly on one side, my heels remain stuck on the other.

I’m not allowed in.
But I can’t seem to walk away either.

I’m accepted, yet not all the way.
I’m good, I’m just not good enough.

It’s a struggle I’ve had ever since I can remember.

In school I’d have plenty of friends, but for whatever reason, there I was…outside the circle.
And so I’d stand on the line, with my toes crossing over, and I’d long for the day I’d be welcomed in.

With my sisters too, it felt much the same.
Close.
But not able to get close enough.
Once again, standing on the line….able to see what I longed for, but unable to be any part of it.

I wish it was just my childhood insecurities, but it seems as though some things never change, and here I am.

Still.
At my children’s school, with homeschooling, at our church and with circles of friends…
Always peering in….from the outside.

I know I am loved.
I know that.

But there is always that something inside me that says,
“Yes, but look down.  Don’t you see where you still stand?”

And as I look down, once again, there is that line.
My toes still on one side, my heels still on the other.

I know enough to realize it’s not them.
It’s me.

And then last night I felt myself slipping into a sadness of inadequacy.
And while this has never worked for me before, I felt prompted to try it again…
So I reached for my bible and simply allowed it to fall open where God would have it.
I heard my thoughts plead, “Lord, speak to me.  Save me from this struggle.”

And there on the pages before me, my eyes fell upon the only verse underlined between the two pages.
A verse that I honestly had not remembered ever reading….

Psalm 105:4
Look to the Lord and his strength;
seek his face always.

And then I heard his words from my sweet Good Friday...

Maybe you’re standing on a circle too, looking and yearning for the wrong kind of fulfillment and acceptance?
In your friendships, family, maybe even your own marriage?

If that’s the case, let’s together take a step back, and run instead to the one who will fill us with more than anything this earth can offer.

He is all we need.

© 2013 “Le Musings of Moi”

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