processing my faith

Obedience is hard.
Especially when you don’t have the feelings to back it up.

I have lost so much over the years…
hurt so deeply…
walked through the hell of anxiety and out and back and out again…

I have been abandoned and damaged by people who I thought were never supposed to make you feel that kind of intense and constant pain.

And when I try to find God in others, I often feel let down and discouraged.

And when I try to find God in myself, I always feel let down and discouraged.

My head knows He is there…my heart feels He’s not.
My head knows His promises are true…my heart feels they just aren’t for me.

It’s this place of processing and questioning that has me so conflicted between what I know is true (God is real, His Son Jesus absolutely died for me) and what I can’t begin to understand (all this pain and abandonment I feel and see around me).

I am blessed…trust me, I know.
It could be so much worse…I know this too.

But it doesn’t seem enough to know all that to get me through this.

It’s been awhile here, in this place of processing.
And I’ve hesitated many times in sharing exactly where I am…
with anyone.

And I haven’t much…
because I don’t have a way to wrap it all up in a pretty little bow, and say “Here!  Aha!  Here is our lesson to learn through it all!”

Because I don’t know.
And yet I do.

God is real.
He sent His Son to die for our sins so that we can one day live in Heaven with Him.
I absolutely see Him in the beauty of creation.
I definitely see Him in the hearts of my babies.
I even see Him in some of the incredible people He’s placed in my life.

But that is all I know for sure at the moment.
Those are the only things I don’t question.

I’m continuing to read my Bible out of obedience…because I know it’s how He will talk to me.  …eventually.
I’m choosing to pray out of obedience, simple honest prayers (that’s all I can seem to give right now), because I know He desires to hear from me. …though at times I wonder if He’s actually listening.

And my simple prayer is this…
Let me walk this road and see the other side.
Let me learn the lessons, make the changes, and let go of the pain and disillusionment of how things and people should be.
Let me see the power of prayer.
Let me feel His presence in me.
Let me come out of this place I never chose to be in, even stronger and more sure of my faith.