abandoned

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I’m a crier.

Ask anyone who knows me.

It’s almost like a talent I have….feeling emotion so easily and all.

It’s just that sometimes it feels so good and therapeutic to get it all out.

It’s purifying.

But in these last months of feeling confused, I find myself fighting any emotion.

I’m trying so desperately to be strong.

Because I know if I let just a few slip, there will quickly be sobs to follow.

Those gut wrenching ones that are difficult to stop and make it hard to breath.

I’ve been carrying around a lot of expectations.

Of people.

Of God.

Of myself.

And they’re so impossibly high, how could there not be failure?

I’m realizing where a lot of my struggle is coming from…

I’ve been abandoned by people who love God and who I thought were supposed to unconditionally love me.

And because of that, I guess I’ve come to think that if they could so easily stop loving me, why wouldn’t everyone else in my life eventually do the same?

How could He TRULY love me and be there with me unconditionally forever?

Especially when He sees just how truly flawed I am.

And while I may not fully comprehend or understand how to work through those feelings, hurts, and fear of abandonment…
I am coming to understand that it’s simply not in His character to leave me.
I have to believe that.

Last week I had this unexpected moment while I was watching American Idol.

(see? good things can come from watching tv…)

As I was watching worship leader, Curtis Finch Jr sing,  I began to get chills all over my body.

And as I listened to how each of the judges hearts were touched, and heard them publicly saying the name of Jesus, and confessing how much they needed that moment in their what would seem, already full and blessed lives…

It hit me.

His love is there.

To give.

And to be felt.

There are just a few things, it seems, getting in the way…
Time once again to get to work.

© 2013 “Le Musings of Moi”