There I was, in a heap, on the bathroom floor.
It seems to happen there often, doesn’t it?
The room with a cold landing.
The room with a lock.
The room where you can cry, and nobody can see just how incredibly weak you really feel.
That’s where I was when I finally crumpled to the floor, sobbing as though it was the first time I’d ever felt emotion…
Feeling an ache in my gut unlike any other.
Completely broken inside.
Angry at God.
Furious at myself.
Lost.
Hopeless.
Desperate.
At that moment there was nothing left inside me.
Nothing.
All I could do was finally release what had been boiling up inside for so long.
All my anger.
My disgust.
My fear.
My disappointments.
My expectations.
I was depleted.
Done trying.
Done pretending.
In everything, I was done.
It was as though I was literally throwing myself, and everything in me, down at the foot of the throne.
(Only I suppose, in literal terms, it was a porcelain one. ha.)
My tears wouldn’t stop.
My breath couldn’t catch.
And my heart didn’t stop aching and yearning for something more.
There I was…
crumpled into a ball, feeling lifeless and tired.
Tired of being selfish,
Tired of fighting,
Tired of hurting,
Tired of failing my own unrealistic expectations…
As I revealed to him the truth of my hardened selfish heart, I felt it all begin to crumble.
And in the hours and days that followed….slowly, I felt a change.
The heaviness and darkness had lifted.
I felt joy and hope and grace.
I had faced my brokenness…
my weaknesses.
All my despair and immense imperfection, were left it at His throne.
(bathroom throne…whatever.)
In that honest moment, I became the empty shell He needed…
Ready to be filled with Him!
…with His Strength.
…with His Joy.
…with His Forgiveness and Grace.
And this is what became tucked away in my heart as my bathroom experience of redemption.
A moment needed.
A moment never to be forgotten.
~~~~~~~