a simple act of obedience

This was after I had shared with her where I have been emotionally and spiritually, basically feeling completely lost, confused and very alone.
{hence the lack of blog posts…}

In her way of doing things, she simply asked me where my priorities were.

What did I think about most?

Where was I spending most of my time?

Weakly, I admitted that since beginning homeschooling this year, all my time and focus has been on my kids.  

On curriculum.  

On being a good parent and teacher.  

On not yelling or cussing, but trying to be gentle and patient mama.

Basically, on trying to simply make it through each day without falling apart.

“And when do you spend time in the Word?  Real quiet time with God?” She prodded.

“I can’t seem to find the time.  The kids are just always around, needing me and making noise.  I can’t even get a moment to go to the bathroom by myself, let alone find a moment with God.” I confessed as the tears began to burn in my eyes.

“Then you know what you need to do.  You need to get your priorities in order.  Before anything comes your relationship with God.  And then your husband.  And then your kids.  And then ministry….”

She then challenged me to sit my family down and confess that I had been doing it all wrong, admit that I have put them before the Lord, and let them know that things were about to change.

I heard her words, and I knew they were true.  

But my heart was weak.  

My spirit empty.  

 Yet, I heard myself promising her I would do exactly that.

The next day, I found myself sitting on the floor in the hallway, once again feeling absolutely lost.

Totally done.  

And yet, I called my kids to come and sit with me.

As they snuggled up into my lap, I began to share my transparent heart without even a moment to think it through.

I admitted how grumpy and hard to be around I had been….they assured me I wasn’t.

I said that I was tired and sad, and that I hadn’t felt I was doing a good job as a mom, and that I finally knew why that was and that there was possibly a way to fix it.

Their big brown eyes both turned to look at me…

“Mommy’s priorities have been completely off.  What God has asked is that we put HIM before anything.  After Him comes my relationship with Daddy, and then comes my relationship with you guys…then it’s ministry/writing….and then everything else.  But, what do you guys think has been my #1 lately?” I asked them.

“Us.”  My 7 year old wisely responded.

“Exactly.  Ever since we started homeschooling I have been pouring every ounce of myself into the two of you because I desire to be a good mom and an effective teacher.  I want to give you everything I’d ever hoped I could.  But in doing that, I haven’t been spending any time with God.  And hardly any time with daddy.  And it’s really starting to make me a grumpy mommy.  So, things have to change.  From now on, starting tomorrow, when I wake up before I do anything or talk to anybody, I will begin by having quiet time with God in my room.  During that time, you two need to be respectful and find other things to do, and promise not to interrupt me.  In order for me to be a good wife and mom, I need to have this time every single morning.  Do you guys understand?”

My 7 year old nodded, and leaned in to give me a big hug.

“Mom?”  He started. 

“I think I’ve had my own priorities all wrong too!  I think about playing and doing everything else, and then God always comes last.  I don’t even read my bible!!!  Maybe I need to make some changes!  Can I have quiet time in the morning too?”

My heart melted.

And then he promised me he would take care of his sister and not interrupt me until I was done.

He wanted this for me.  

And it was sweet.

From that morning on out of obedience, before I even leave my bed, I have had my quiet time with God.

I still have a lot of questions.

And I still feel I hear a lot of silence.

But, I show up every morning because I know it’s what I need to do, regardless of how I feel.

I know from experience that sometimes feelings follow actions.

So my action?

Simple obedience.

By attempting to get my priorities in order, and hope that I come out of this place even stronger in my faith then I ever was before.

~~~~~~~

We can do this together.

It all begins by saying two little words…

© 2013 “Le Musings of Moi”