Especially when the other part to that sentence would end up being a bright side.
My struggle with anxiety didn’t begin until after I suddenly lost my dad. Once I had experienced such intense and sudden grief, I began to feel moments of anxiety here and there. I never named it though…it was just a part of the pain I had to learn to deal with after losing my dad.
But then it showed up again the morning of my wedding.
My fears took over and I found myself curled into a ball unsure of how I was to face what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.
I thought we would have to get married in the bathroom I had locked myself into.
It was definitely an awful feeling, yet still it remained unnamed.
“She’s so sensitive/dramatic/weak…” was more what people probably thought of me.
Because those were the very things I thought of myself.
Years and years later when Taylor was 2, my grandpa’s cancer took a turn, and I felt called to go home and help care for him. He had always been such a gentle and loving man, and I wanted to somehow return the favor.
I helped alongside my family every day for a full week, and did all I could to stay strong, all while staring death in it’s face.
Two days after I returned to my home, Jesus finally took my grandpa to his.
That night I got the news, I no longer felt strong.
That night, that awful feeling I had experienced here and there in the past, finally got a name.
That night turned into a month, and if you’ve read this blog, you know my story. If not, you can catch up on the journey here.
Over the years I have tried everything, and I mean everything, to rid myself of that awful feeling.
What it turned me into, wasn’t me.
It never had been.
And I didn’t much appreciate it taking over my life, and ultimately robbing me of me.
After a very long painful road, in the last year, I’ve thankfully been able to feel the relief my soul so desperately needed.
I can think of things, of moments and memories, that used to make my anxiety arise…
only now, it’s simply just a memory.
And honestly, while I would never wish it on ANYONE, and I certainly don’t wish for it back….