caught between two worlds

It seems I’m caught between two worlds.

And sometimes it feels like it’s between even more.

My eyes are full of tears (strange for me, I know)….but my heart is full of passion.

I have fallen even more madly in love with my kids in these last few months.

I used to need my time, and I still do, but now it seems I need them more.
I’ve always loved them, but I can see now that I was in a place of survival.
It was simply about getting through each day, and always looking forward to the future when they would be in school, and I could have that time back for me.

And that world, the world of me….I’d be lying if I didn’t say I miss it too.

I miss the time I was starting to have to write and workout, or to read and talk on the phone without being interrupted.
I miss writing and teaching Zumba as often as I was beginning to.
I miss having more of a social life.
I miss being more connected with my friends.

I had always felt I’d lost a part of myself when I had kids.
And I longed for the day I got me back.
Right before I started homeschooling, I had just begun to get a taste of that world.

And yet, I still wasn’t fulfilled.

I struggled with not feeling enough.
I was still feeling as though I wasn’t a good mom, and that maybe God had made a mistake by even allowing me to have kids.

I felt increasing anxiety because it felt as though I was constantly failing the expectations I had of how a good mom should be.
It seemed, in my eyes, I was failing day after day after day.

I only had so many hours a day with them, and in those precious hours….I was absolutely failing my babies.

But then there was my life.
My me time.
Suddenly things were falling into place.
I was writing.  And getting paid.
I had followers on Twitter, friends on Facebook, and a blog that was growing by the month.

My life, my dreams, my time, me….me….me.

No wonder my burden was heavy.
My focus was all wrong.

And so God got to work.

One thing I know for sure is this:
I don’t feel myself if I don’t stay true to what God has called me to be and to do with the gifts (the very few i have) He’s given me.

But, I also know…that the biggest gift I’ve been given is my family.
He gave me the incredible privilege of getting to be a mom to Taylor and Chloe.

They are bigger than a blog.
Bigger than my career.
Bigger than my ministry.

They are the biggest audience in my life.
They are my most important followers.
My most important ministry.
And they are also growing by the month.

And I’ve been missing out because I was too focused on me.

This homeschooling world?
Is so beyond outside of my comfort zone, it’s not even funny.

Still, there hasn’t been a single panic attack nor a need to take up drinking, so I guess I’d say so far so good.
It’s only been a couple of months but already there is a shift in my home.
Taylor is calmer and happier, and way more loving than he’s ever been.
And our bond seems deeper as we both charter new territory and experience this change together.

We are learning to love even more unconditionally and with each day comes incredible forgiveness and the sweetest grace.
On both our parts. 

And the strangest thing of all?
I used to dread the end of the school day when the kids would come home.
Not because I wasn’t excited to see them, but because my alone/quiet time was over or being interrupted before I was ready.

I love that I’m with my kids all the time. (okay, most of the time…)
I don’t see it as a burden or an inconvenience, and in just weeks of being purposeful in my time with them, I feel as though I know and understand them better.
And I love that.

These last few months haven’t been easy.
It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.
It’s as though I’ve been dropped off in a foreign country and without knowing the language or the land, I must find a way to make it my home.

I want to be here, doing things for me.
But, I need to be there, caring and tending to their hearts and lives.

God has called me to both.

It’s a learning curve.
A new life.
A chance to combine the two worlds I’m caught between into one.

I feel as though this place….this incredibly uncomfortable yet comforting place, is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
For now.

I’m scared and I’m excited.

I finally feel I have a purpose.
I finally feel like a good mom, even on my bad days.

God is changing me.
It’s not easy and it’s most certainly not comfortable.

But, it’s a change I needed, and I think He knew that.

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”

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  1. This is where I’m living right now. It’s so encouraging to see what lies ahead. Thank you for your honesty and you joy that you have just shared. I think this was written just for me today.