“…bloggers really are just…narcissistic…” I heard her say.
And I felt a slight sting somewhere inside me, yet I tried not to react.
i’m just too sensitive…
don’t be too much drama…
And then a short time later I came across this comment, “I believe that when each and every blogger delves deeper, you’ll likely find that sharing in this manner is, in a sense, a cry for attention. If it really were all about the writing, why share it publicly? Granted, popularity may not be the main reason, but I think it’s also unrealistic to dismiss that’s a reason behind why you write publicly.”
I know I’m sensitive, and I know there is a story behind what was said, and likely it all comes from a good place…
So let me share as well, the story behind me…
| Addressing Narcissism |
The story I have yet to share…
Because if you knew me as my husband and close friends do, and you knew my heart and my story, you’d see that I too, come from a good place. And it’s not the place you think.
Though I hate the memory, 5 years ago I suddenly began suffering through debilitating anxiety after helping to care for my grandpa in his last days of cancer.
All this followed a long two years of postpartum depression after Taylor was born, and it was the first anxiety I’d ever experienced in my life, and it was awful.
An actual living nightmare, and like nothing I could ever explain, or want to explain, or ever want to feel at that level again in my whole life.
And in that time of my life, I felt so incredibly lost and alone.
Absolutely nobody understood my darkness.
My friends had faded away, though they had tried, they simply didn’t know how to help.
My husband remained, yet unreachable…as he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t help.
I stopped reaching out.
And so I remained deathly afraid.
And I wondered if God would ever pull me out the nightmare I was living.
“… The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive
But I feel like I died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away
*Beauty from Pain lyrics*
I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t read books.
I didn’t want to talk.
Even T.V. made me feel unsettled.
And so I passed the painful time on my phone playing mindless games to keep me distracted from the anxious thoughts that threatened to steal everything.
I’d spend hours searching for things online just to keep from realizing how slowly time was creeping by.
And then somehow I came across a blog.
I’d never read one before, but was intrigued that people were just putting their private journaling thoughts out there for everyone to read.
…and judge, so I would later learn.
And as I read, I learned that she too suffered with anxiety.
She too, had felt depression.
She wrote of things I understood, the exact things I was living in that very moment.
It was as though, sometimes, she even wrote what I hadn’t even been able to make sense of myself yet.
And beyond that, she made me laugh.
I didn’t believe that would ever happen again.
Truthfully, I hadn’t even smiled in over a month.
Not to my husband.
Not to my son.
Not even to myself.
But there I was, waking up my husband at night….with laughter.
And as he awoke to hear me retell the story that had brought me joy, I felt warmth in my soul for the first time in a long time.
Ultimately, that feeling was a blessing from God.
But, I also know that this blog I’d found?
Was His personal gift to me.
It was a tiny little step towards healing.
A tiny little step towards hope.
And it all happened because I had found someone who got me.
So when I hear opinions and comments such as the ones above, this is immediately where my heart goes.
I reluctantly remember that scared and hurting girl curled into a ball on her couch sobbing…clutching her Bible and praying for strength just to get through even the next five minutes.
I think of that girl and I thank my sweet Jesus that he gave the guts to Alice to share her life, her thoughts, her issues, and especially her humor so that I could have that moment to hold on to.
So that, when things got better and then got hard again, I could go back and remember…
I’m not alone.
And as I came out of that time in my life, I remembered the final lyrics of what had become my theme song:
“My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flamesAfter all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain”
*Beauty from Pain*
And suddenly, I knew I too needed to blog.
I no longer felt it was okay for me to keep my struggles and lessons to myself in a journal.
God needed to create Beauty from my Pain.
He didn’t intend for us to live alone.
He didn’t intend for us to suffer alone.
And He didn’t intend for us to learn His lessons alone.
I have a folder in my email account.
In it are all the emails from women who, over the years, have shared their hearts and their lives and their struggles.
Women who thought they were alone had nobody who understood.
I read and re-read them and pray for them.
Some I still keep in touch with.
Some are now my closest friends.
I keep those emails not to pat myself on the back for a job well done, but to remind myself how God is absolutely at work.
And so that when I get discouraged by judgements or distracted by shiny things, I can glance through that folder and remember… it’s not about me.
I’m a writer and I’m sensitive, and it’s exactly how God created me to be.
I think and connect with others, with myself even, through written words.
This is just me.
And I get not everyone understands me, and that’s okay.
But what I desire you to grasp is why I have this blog.
It’s not for attention.
And not to make it all about me.
But where I am now, honestly??
I now pray with each blog I post, that when all is said and done and you walk away from here, rather than it being me you think about, instead it’s become HIM.
Writing is my passion.
Jesus is my passion.
Ministry is my passion.
This blog allows me to tie it all together.
© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”