Archives for August 2012

love and loss

Every year on this day I write about the same thing.
It’s an incredibly bittersweet day that involves two of the most important and influential men in my life.
{if you’re new to me or this blog, the links are to take you back in time to some of our back story.}

~~~~~~~

9 years ago today, I nervously looked into Jimmy’s eyes and promised to be by his side, for better or for worse, as long as we both shall live.

weddingdaykiss

I knew it was a big promise, as the year we dated had already involved a lot of worse, but I knew that there was nobody else I’d rather have by my side throughout those tough times.

In 9 years of marriage, we have had many many moments of love, joy and incredible happiness.
But in those 9 years, we have had many many struggles and hardships.

There were times when I didn’t think I was strong enough to hold on, times I wasn’t even sure why Jimmy continued to especially when I felt so broken and unlovable.

But because of him…
…because his unconditional love towards me despite all that we had gone through…
has made me love and respect him even more.

I can look into his eyes and know he will never leave me.
I trust that he will always love me.
He will always see the best in me.
And he’ll always encourage me towards better, and remind me that I can be when I can’t see it myself.

He is my world.
My heart.
My everything.

I’ll be honest.
Marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve committed to besides parenting…but the work we have put in is so worth it.
And no matter what I have an incredible best friend by my side until my dying day.

weddingdaydance
~~~~~~~
On the other side, today is also 10 years since I lost my dad.
dadonboat
10 years ago today, I was sitting on the living room floor with the kids I nannied for, when I got the call from my mom.
“They found your dad dead on the side of the road.  Honey, he’s gone.”
I had just spoken with him only a week earlier.
He was fine.
It had to be a mistake.
It wasn’t my dad.
And then my body betrayed my mind, and I crumpled to the floor shaking and crying uncontrollably.
My mind was in denial, 
but my body knew it was true.
While those days and months were most definitely traumatic and heartbreaking, I knew that he had loved and served the Lord as best he knew how.
And God had simply given him rest from his pain and called him home.
And the dad who had always loved me so unconditionally throughout my life was finally being unconditionally loved by His Father in Heaven.
dad&me
~~~~~~~
And it was okay…because a month later, the Lord brought me Jimmy.
The only other man I’d ever met who knew how to love with commitment.
The only other man I knew who loved with no strings attached.
weddingdayjimmy
{our wedding day}

Gods ways never make sense at the time.
But 10 years later, I can see it a little more clearly.
And so today I’ll appreciate my husband more.
I’ll remember my dad with fondness.
And I’ll thank the Lord for having blessed me with both in my life.

~~~~~~~

And Happy Anniversary to my sister Heather and her husband Eric who sweetly allowed us to share their wedding date a few years later.
Love you two so much.

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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unglued

“People bump into your happy, and you become unglued.”

~~~~~~~
It was Friday evening and I was snuggled up beside Jimmy where I always find safety in my difficult moments.
In this moment my heart was burdened and I couldn’t quite figure out why.
While I shared my discontent, he sweetly listened and thoughtfully asked questions trying to find the cause..and yet nothing he offered really seemed to fit.
The truth was, when I was honest with myself, I already knew the problem…
I just didn’t know how to fix it.
Tearfully I finally admitted….
“It’s just that I’m just so far from the woman I know God wants me to be.  I desire so badly to be that person, and yet every single day I feel as though I fail so miserably.  And I just get so tired from trying and treading water, and yet despite it all, here I still am.  Feeling as though I’m letting myself, others, as well as God down each and every day….”

“…And I wonder, why did God make me this way, when I know in my heart He desires me to be so far from where I am???”
And in that statement, I found the ultimate cause of my continual angst.

~~~~~~~
Hours later I found myself at a bookstore at the suggestion of my husband to have some time to myself…and decided to grab a book a friend had mentioned she wanted to read.
Without knowing anything about it, I pulled it from the shelf and snuggled into a chair to see what the hype was all about.
And then I read this….
unglued1
….there it was.
My heart.
My struggle.
My discontent.
I am sometimes just a littleunglued.
I can be an exploder that later shames themselves.
{i beat myself up…}
I can be a stuffer that builds barriers.
{…but i protect myself from others.}

~~~~~~~

Do you ever feel this way?

You promise yourself, as the guilt and shame overwhelm you at night, that the next day will be different.
You’ll keep your house clean.
You’ll find joy and happiness in unpleasant circumstances.
You’ll be patient and calm.
You’ll be a better wife.
You’ll be a more thoughtful friend.
You’ll set aside time with God and make it meaningful.
You’ll exercise and eat right.
You’ll…..
And tomorrow comes, and it’s not different at all.
Maybe, some days, it’s even worse.
Because in that moment when something or someone bumps into your idea of happy…
You become Unglued.

While I didn’t read more than the first two chapters before putting it back on the shelf (hello amazon!), simply by reading the authors heart, I suddenly didn’t feel so alone in my struggle.
I felt a tinge of hope, in that while I may have a long ways to go, I am truly in Gods capable hands.

we all are.

It’s not in His character to leave us as we are.
We are a constant work in progress, and in and through it all, He is at work.


I certainly don’t have the answers on how to change from to there.
But I know the One who does.
And I will at the very least, cling to Him each day, and allow HIM to do the changing instead.
© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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tracy anderson update….

It’s been awhile since I’ve mentioned my love for Tracy. (Anderson)  
I like to call her Tracy now that we’ve tweeted back and forth a few times.
Not at all creepy…it’s just how Twitter works, that’s all.
But when I happened to run into another Tracy addict at BlogHer who immediately recognized me from blogging on the 30 Day Method, I realized it was probably time to write an update.
So here’s the truth.
I still LOVE my Tracy.
I still believe in her method, and I still LOVE and look forward to doing her videos because they are always new and always challenging and they absolutely work.
{the program works when you work the program.}
BUT.
Something happened this winter.
And basically that something was, I ate my way through winter.
It was as though there was a possibility that food might be taken away from me forever and I needed to pack it all in just in case.
And when you’re eating like that, no amount of Tracy can solve your weight/body issues.
Trust me, I tried.
And then I finally gave up and gave in to eating.
But now that I’m teaching Zumba/Aqua Zumba (using the TAM method by using dance as cardio and always changing up the moves), I have started to get more serious about quality time with my trainer of choice.
And while up until this post, it’s been sporadic….I am here to say, I am BACK in action.
My goal is 4-5 days a week of the Tracy Mat Work, no exceptions.
{I started yesterday after a month off, and woah mama! that is some tough stuff when you take a break!}
And then also 4-5 days of Zumba and/or TA dance.
{hopefully that will all be teaching time!}
Candace recently got on the Tracy bandwagon with me and already she’s showing me up, and not that I’m competitive or anything….but I kinda feel like I need to at least keep up.  
Especially because we plan on busting into her LA studio soon, even though neither of us happen to be members.  
Yet.
My dream is still alive.  
And I’m convinced showing up at her gym is not at all stalking.
So, while I’m FAR from the size two I paraded around for a day or two, I am definitely going to get back on track.
And get serious.
You have never SEEN me so serious.
Like Rocky.
Who’s in?
It can be like our new school year resolution.
Let me know too, if you guys want me to blog through my weight loss/fitness goals.
I think I have at least 10 pounds to lose…probably more…but I’m too scared of the scale to find out for sure.
Psssss….
Speaking of Candace….she has an amazing and encouraging blog that is all about health and life and weight loss.  You most definitely must check it out, as she has been such an encouragement to me.
© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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what i said & wore on the mommalogues

All that you may have missed on the SheKnows Mommalogues last week….
{click the title link to see the videos or check out the plug in on the left hand side bar!}
~~~~~~~

Are you a social butterfly or a wallflower/introvert?  Do your kids take after you and how does it affect your parenting?

If you’re comparing me to my husband, then I would have to say I am definitely a social butterfly.  But, I can definitely tend to be shy at times and I need my alone time desperately or I’ll start to feel like I’m falling apart.  As for our kids, they’re tough to nail down on that as well.  I guess we’re just a family you can’t put in a box.But being that they are similar to me, it definitely helps me to understand and be just that much more patient with them.
what i’m wearing…
dress: brand, audrey {thrifted} 
~~~~~~~
Okay, I hate that word. Diet.  I mostly like fun words, and Diet definitely doesn’t sound like fun.  Now, if my kids were heading into an unhealthy weight or there were health issues involved, I would absolutely change and adjust their diets.  Would I ever tell them they were on a diet???  Heck to the naw.  Especially not in the culture we’re living in right now.  Uh uh, no way.  No eating disorders or body issues in this house caused by me.

what i’m wearing…
top: brand, ricrac…thrifted
~~~~~~~

I think the best way to share morals and values with your kids is more about leading by example than it is about lecturing them all the day long.  We can tell our kids all their lives to live and believe a certain way, but if they don’t see us living it ourselves, it certainly won’t hold a lot of weight.  So for us, we try to combine the two.  Teach it, live it, and always allow them to ask questions throughout it all.  Mostly we want them to one day believe and live those values not just because we do, but because they believe in it just as much.

what i’m wearing….
tunic: forever 21 {thrifted}
~~~~~~~
My husband was just a friend for awhile before I ever considered dating him.  But after my dad passed away, I began to see relationships in my life a little differently.  And as all the traumatizing events began to unfold after his death, I noticed that Jimmy was there for me in a way that a lot of people just didn’t know how to be.  And it all started that night on the cliffs overlooking the beach…
what i’m wearing…
tunic: tj maxx {vintage!}

~~~~~~~

How was your weekend???
Anything amazing happen?

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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san diego consignment sale!

Just Between Friends San Diego is having a stupendous kids consignment sale September 7th and 8th at the Faith Chapel in Spring Valley.

That super cute stroller you have had your eye on, and all your kids back to school clothes will be up to 90% off retail price!!!
Some things you can expect to see at the upcoming JBF San Diego event:
• All-Season children’s clothing, size newborn to teen — shorts, jeans, short and long-sleeved shirts, shoes, dresses, Halloween costumes, Christmas dresses, jackets and coats
• Maternity clothing – all sizes
• Baby equipment—strollers, high chairs, bouncers, saucers, diapers, bottle warmers, swings,and much more
• Room Decor and Furniture
• Toys of all kinds!
• Outdoor Equipment – slides, play gyms, etc.
• Electronics—software, video games, leapsters, DS
One lucky reader will win an exclusive presale pass and a $10 gift certificate for use at the presale!
I also have unlimited free regular sale passes for September 7th and 8th sales (a savings of $3) for all of you who are interested!!!
{email me and i’ll send you the pass!}
To enter this giveaway…
1. “Like” JBF San Diego Facebook page
2. Follow JBF San Diego on Twitter and tweet the following:
“Come shop kids consignment at theSeptember 7-8th sale! Name brands at up to 90% off! @jbfsandiego” 

Giveaway ends August 30th…
© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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friday favorite links

For so long I have loved reading my sweet friend Laura’s blog and I’m always drawn to her Friday’s links.  I love finding new blogs, websites, and ideas….and it’s there that I discover some of my favorite places.

And because I love it so….I thought I’d follow along (in other words…copy…which is the highest form of flattery!) with her and share with you guys my favorite links of the week!
{I may follow along with her and do this each Friday actually!}

First of all, may I remind you that subscribing to blogs has been more than amazing for me!  Finally I’m not missing out of my favorite blogs that I can never seem to remember to visit each and every time they post.  I’m finally catching up and feeling a little more in the loop!

And since I know you probably feel this way about my blog too, I’ve made it easy…just enter your email address and wala, you’ll get my blog posts delivered to your email each time I post.

Enter your email address:

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Other bookmarkable places this week….

It’s time you meet an incredible friend of mine who began as a blog friend, and then turned into a real life friend, and is now becoming a real life moving to my city friend!  We look like sisters, act like sisters (without the fighting), and soon she’ll be guest posting here and there on Le Musings.  So check out her current blog and get to know the sweet soul that I know and love: Flawlessly Imperfect Mommy

A meal I’ll be adding to my next week as I “officially” go back to Paleo: Against all Grain: Hawaiian Turkey Burgers

I absolutely adore these sisters, maybe because they remind me a little of me and mine.  But, I thought this post was inspiring as I could definitely use a little organization in my blog writing: A Beautiful Mess: Blog Brainstorming

It was this post that has me really rethinking school options, parenting, and my priorities with my family.  Be prepared to ponder: The Better Mom: I choose to fight 

~~~~~~~

iWrite off the blog, my articles in other places….

Travel tips for pregnancy (allParenting): Travel tips for pregnant mamas from the mamas that know!

You will know them by their fruit (RooMag) Why being a believer isn’t enough, we are called to bear fruit.
Mom fashion: Can we be Forever 21? (allParenting) How to shop like a teen without looking like one
Reality TV and true love (SheKnows) I delve deep into dating reality shows and ask: Do they really work?
Blame it on the hormones (allParenting) For all you lucky enough to experience Peri Menopause.
Keep that loving feeling: A guide to effective communication in the age of social media (SheKnows) Sometimes I feel we’ve lost that personal touch when it comes to communication now that we have social media to do it for us.  Here’s a little guide to finding the balance.

~~~~~~~

That should be good for the weekend….which I hope you enjoy to the fullest!

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”

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the one, the favorite

Last week was our last full week before school began and schedules get busy.
And as excited as I am about that, I have to say I loved how we decided to spend our last week.

 It definitely needs to become a yearly tradition.

Jimmy took the week off work, and we had not a single plan or activity written in stone.
Our only goal was to be together as a family, enjoying our town and weather, and having some fun quality time.
staycationday4
staycationday1
staycationbay
staycationbikes

staycationsurfing

staycationday3

That week I realized how thankful I should be for that.

staycationday2

staycationbowlingshoes

staycationbeach

Recently, I’ve had little bouts of a teeny tiny pity party about not being someones “one.”
You know, the desiring to someones favorite who is always called first, the one who is thought of in moments you’re not there, the one who is called just because…

staycationcar
And in the midst of that pity party, I was blessed to spend an entire week with family.
My sweet little family…that I often take for granted.
And on that last night as I laid my head on my pillow feeling the warm tears fill my eyes over my silly little insecurities, I felt my husbands arms envelop me.

Suddenly, my mind reflected over the week we had spent together.
And, how in every moment, whatever it may have been…
my kids and my husband wanted me there.

They looked to me for comfort, for laughter, for advice, for approval…
They thought of me often, longed for me, loved on me…
And I realized…I had been looking in the wrong places, at all the wrong relationships.
All this time…
I had already been the “one” to the three most important people in my life.

staycationbook

How amazing is it that a simple staycation could end up being so much more than just enjoying our city and taking time off from work?
When in fact, there was actually an incredible lesson God needed to teach me.
Yes, it’s hard and it hurts when the “new” wears off with friendships, relationships, places and spaces….
and it’s humbling to not be everyones favorite…
But as my pity party ended (thank goodness it did, that violin was not lovely), God rewarded me with the incredible gift of peace in knowing all that doesn’t really matter.

Because to my family, I’m the one.
But, more importantly, I realized that to my God, I am His.

His lessons are quiet but my goodness are they mighty.

….and the warm tears spill over.

staycation1
{last day of staycation, with friends}

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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the purpose of insomnia

Another night…I lay awake thinking.

When I was young and my mom would come to check on me before she went to bed, she’d often find me awake.

“Honey, why aren’t you asleep?” She’d ask.
“I just can’t stop thinking…” I’d respond.

Some things don’t change….except it’s now Jimmy doing the asking.

Tonight is one of those nights.

My mind is spinning.
God is talking…or stirring…or something.

I feel Him.

~~~~~~~
I so often write about being purposeful…and yet I fail every day.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

                                                            —Galatians 5:22–23


I read this tonight, and instantly feel remorse for my attitude with the kids and Jimmy throughout the day.
I failed in every way.
I pray I have tomorrow…so I can try a little harder to be more like Him.
I say that now…but will I really once the tasks begin and the days gets busy?
~~~~~~~
Tomorrow is Taylor’s first day back at school, and for the first time I’m nervous.
I want to protect his heart and soul, I want to keep him safe and pure….and yet I don’t want to shelter him or hide his light that’s meant to shine.
And so we talk about his purpose at school…
He thinks it’s learning.
I tell him he’s right, but that there is something even more important.
“Being like God?” He asks.
Loving like God.  Being an example of Him.  That is your purpose in everything, especially at school.”  
And I think he gets it…but will he still when he’s away from me?
I give that to the Lord.
And place my baby in His hands.
I can’t control everything.
Really, I can’t control anything.
~~~~~~~
Like the two women who have rejected me in the classes I help teach at the gym.
Why my mind gives them this time at night, I don’t know.
But here they are taking up the hours I should be asleep.
They’ve never talked to me.
They don’t know me, my stories, my heart, my desires…
They have no idea how much I simply want to bring them laughter and joy, and instead somehow it’s misery and anger I leave them with.
It hurts.
But, I don’t want them to have that power.
I just wish they knew my purpose.
I wish they’d see into my heart.
~~~~~~~
And then as I decide it’s time to stop, to finally give up these thoughts to Him so I can finally rest…
I end up thinking about my blog.
My place to freely express my heart, even in the times of sleepless nights.
And how incredible God is to use even this moment for something.
I have no idea what it would be, but He could if He wanted.
And that is my purpose in continuing to write.
And why I continue to be confused about stats and networking and who is who on the up and up…
Because when my walls and barriers are down, and the night has me vulnerable, 
I think only of the incredible people God has brought to and through my life because of our open hearts.
I am grateful for all the experiences and blessings I continually have because of Him.
Because of you.
Because of a silly little blog.
Because of sleepless nights that have a purpose.
~~~~~~~
I think too much, I know.
God chooses the night because he knows it’s when He can show up and be heard.
It’s always been this way….
~~~~~~~
And I’ll take my date times with God any way they show up.
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© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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what i said & wore on the mommalogues

All that you may have missed on the SheKnows Mommalogues last week….
{click the link to see the videos or check out the plug in on the left hand side bar!}
p.s. did you see who our celeb mom is this month?
clue: she’s got one hand in her pocket and the other one’s giving a peace sign…

~~~~~~~

Oh man.  This is a loaded question for me if ever there was one.  I am incredibly tough on myself, tougher than anyone else ever could be, and it most especially shows up in the area of being a good mom.  Having grown up with less than desirable circumstances, I crave so badly to give my kids a different experience.  I want to be so much more than I am, and daily I feel like I fail them and myself.  So, while I know in my heart that I’m doing the best that I can…my head thinks something completely different.
what i’m wearing…
top: walmart clearance, because that is just way too good of a deal to pass up.
~~~~~~~
Being that I’m a beauty school dropout, I know a thing or two about hair.  There were quite a few takeaways I took with me, and one of them was how to preserve the integrity of your hair.  So, being the professional that I am (or almost was), I choose to go as long as possible in between washes without being gross.  It really all depends on if I worked out, taught Zumba, walked through cigarette smoke or have my most amazing hair refresher (which I show in the video) nearby.  There are so many factors to take into consideration.  That’s just how beauty school dropouts do it.  It’s a learned art.
what i’m wearing…
dress: forever 21 but discovered for much cheaper at a thrift store
necklace: forever 21
jacket: apple bottom from platos closet
~~~~~~~
I’ve pretty much established that I live in some very cozy quarters, otherwise known as a very small house.  And because of its size, we are limited in the amount of rooms we have to go to or be in.  With that said, I have to say the most popular room in our house would have to be….the one my kids and husband find me to be in. Sometimes that’s sweet, but sometimes it can be a little too much…especially when it involves bodily functions.  TMI?
what i’m wearing…
top: tj maxx
necklace: shoplately {my FAVE place to buy jewelry now}
~~~~~~~
Most definitely the greatest lesson I was taught by my dad growing up, was how to love selflessly and unconditionally.  It was such a comforting and reassuring feeling to know that his love would always be there freely despite my flaws or mistakes.  Having experienced such an incredible love in my life, I know how important it is to not only show my own kids that same love, but to teach them to love others in the same way.  It truly is the greatest lesson to learn, and the most treasured gift to give.
what i’m wearing…
top: no tag, but found at platos closet

~~~~~~~

So, after that wig post….
You may be seeing a different Summer on these videos quite soon.
=)
Stay tuned.

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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a visit to the dark side…

For quite some time I’ve been talking about and flirting with the idea of going dark with my hair.
And recently when the topic of needing to be on a BUDGET came up (over and over again), I decided that maybe it was time to get more serious with my decision.

And by serious, I mean I headed for a wig store.

Of course, only after texting my closest friends as well as my colorist, Nikki, about 1000 times asking them what they thought I should do.
{i’m thinking Nikki would RATHER i start doing my own hair at this point}
What began as “I’ll just run in and try one on really quick” became about an hour long process with lots of pictures and my mind more confused than ever.
redhair
{jimmy’s pick. i can hear the whispers at chloes private preschool. i dance. but not this kind.}

almost black

{almost black}

darkwig
{dark brown with highlights}

darkbrown
{solid dark brown}

menzooey
{feelin’ a bit like zooey}

darknblonde
{blonde vs. dark}

wigs
{my options. clearly i’m obsessed.}
Finally, Jimmy suggested I simply BUY the wig and wear it around the house to help me decide so we could PLEASE JUST LEAVE THE STORE.
Actually, I think he muttered, “Just buy it, let’s go…” and then headed out to the car with the kids.
Now, I’m not one to be given permission to buy something (especially when on a budget) and turn it down, so I quickly slapped down my plastic and bought that costume wig and proudly wore it all the way home.
darkhair
{my kids kept telling me to take it off.  jimmy seemed happy…to be out of the store.}

And, I continued to wear it (and try it on with different tops) all night until it was time to get ready for bed.
Also, I texted and Instagrammed pictures all the night long.
{all in addition to coming up with a brilliant party idea consisting of wigs & champagne}

I am very thorough when making decisions….
And you guys, as I stated on my Facebook page, changing my hair drastically is a much bigger decision then anything ever, including whether or not to have another baby.
Okay maybe not, because that decision is easy.
No.
Way.
Never.
Again.
Anyway, after a day of practice….I think I’m actually leaning towards the dark side.
I’ve been blonde for SO long, and I’m antsy for a change.
Plus, it’s budget friendly.
{although if i hated it, I would be all “budget what?”}

Life is short, it’s just hair, and I can always go back to blonde another day.
Sometimes in life, it’s about being free and simply throwing caution to the wind…
If you call buying a wig and obsessing all day throwing caution to the wind….

I guess time (days) will tell just how wild and crazy I am.

I have issues.
No need to tell me.

© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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It means so much that you are here! I know life gets busy though, so if you don't want to miss a thing, I invite you to subscribe to my blog through email!