the thoughts that keep me awake

{written last weekend. the one post of three that survived my insomnia writings. ha!}

It’s one of those nights where sleep just doesn’t want to show up in my bedroom.

Well actually, it showed up to my daughter who is peacefully and adorably sleeping next to me tonight, since the boys are out camping…but somehow it skipped me.

So, while I wait…here’s what’s on my mind.

~~~~~~~

I want to cut my hair. I am loving the long angled bob (the longer version) a whole lot. But I love long hair too much. So I’ll simply have to admire others who have the bravery.

Also? I want to dye my hair.

A yummy dark chocolate brown or a beautiful shade of red.
Possibly a shade I can find at a drugstore and do myself, because the expense of my “natural” blonde is getting to be a bit of a burden on the budget.
Do I dare???
I’ll wait till the fall to decide.
Stay tuned.

~~~~~~~

I haven’t had pizza in weeks, and I barely miss it.

And that’s just crazy talk.

~~~~~~~

Today I met with a friend from church, who I didn’t know super well but have always felt a connection with.
It was such an incredibly peaceful time, where I just felt reminded of why God has allowed me (and all of us) to walk the paths we do.

It’s worth it.

Especially when it leads you to a seat across from one of the most beautiful souls you know.

~~~~~~~

This last year God has delivered me some incredible friends and deepened others.
These are friendships I never thought I deserved or would ever experience having in my lifetime.
They are the perfect addition to my life and every day I feel so blessed to have them.
They are the kind that will absolutely stand the test of time.
Yet, I wouldn’t have them, once again, if I hadn’t walked through all that God has allowed.

~~~~~~~

Tonight I said yes, she could sleep with me in my bed…and her eyes lit up.
It was as though I told her tonight was Christmas.
And I realized just how much she needs me, how much our time together means to her.

Earlier today we just sat on the porch steps side by side.
Just the two of us, and she wrapped her arm through mine and simply laid her head on my shoulder. Silently, we sat there watching Stella chase shadows, and it was perfect.
In that moment, I put aside my to do list, my looming deadlines, and I soaked up every minute alone I had with her.

Maybe that’s why I’m still awake.
I love listening to her peaceful sound of sleep. Her deep and steady breaths in and out.
I get to be her mom.
I get to love her and teach her and be her example.
I hope I never let her down….too much.

~~~~~~~

I met an adopted little girl today, who had first been a foster child.

I felt that familiar ache that lead us to fostering a couple years ago.

And it scares me….
But, whatever God calls us to…
we’re willing.

~~~~~~~

Speaking of scared…we have a team from our church in Uganda this week.
And as I’ve been reading the blog of their stories, I find myself suddenly wondering…..

Can I handle it?

Is my heart too sensitive?

Will I crumble at the stories?

Will I ever want to leave?

Will there be enough anti anxiety medicine to get me through the plane ride and long bus rides into the village? (jesus is enough, jesus is enough)

And with these thoughts, I feel myself beginning to back out of my plans.

And then today, I was reminded that if it’s scary….if it makes me feel like I can’t possibly do it myself…then it’s most likely where God wants me.
To show HIS power.
To show HIM.
Less of me, more of Him.

And so the Uganda prayers continue.
With an open and willing heart.

And maybe Haiti.

And maybe adoption.

~~~~~~~

Also, tonight as I worked through all these thoughts….I had to fight the feelings of just wanting to stay in bed and hide away from it all.
But, I didn’t.
I knew in doing that, I wasn’t going to learn to have strength, the strength God intends to give.

And so I pulled up a itunes sermon podcast (John MacArthur, spiritual stability series, amazing!), opened my bible, and had a little church in my bed.
It was humbling.
The message was for me.

And then I got on my knees.
Literally, beside my bed.
Because it felt right…where it’s never felt natural before.
{I don’t ever do this.}
And I began to silently pray.
In a different way.
It was as though my thoughts just floated around and with each one it became a bubble that I imagined was floating up to God.

“Here, and this one. And this one. And oh, this too….”

All the thoughts.
All the worries.
All the people who have been on my heart.
It all just floated to Him without intention or purpose, just happening so naturally and free.
{no drugs were involved.}

And then I expressed so much of my love for Him.
So much sorrow for missing the point of Him, and of my lifes purpose all these years.
And for the first time in a long time, with tears, I bared my heart and soul.
All that scared me.
All that I desired.
All that I hoped for.
And then I laid it at his feet and walked away.

And I rested.

The fear was gone.

And only calm remained.

No medicine needed.

No friend called for advice.

Just sweet simple time where I had no agenda with the Lord.

And in it all, I learned this.

We are to find contentment always.
Not necessarily in our circumstances. Because often that is impossible.
But if you stop to consider God, and all His incredible love and ways and plans and sovereignty….
you would be overflowing with joy, simply because you are in His presence always.

That is how I want to be remembered.

One who learned to be content in all things.

~~~~~~~

So ya.

I guess this is why God keeps me awake sometimes.

And with all that….I think He’s calling me to sleep.

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the thoughts that keep me awake

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