alone with my thoughts, unedited

I can’t sleep tonight.  

Thoughts are swirling around inside my mind, jumbled thoughts and images and memories, and I know I need to give them God.

And I did, a little.
But sometimes I express myself better to God not in thoughts or spoken prayers…but in words.  In writing.  When I just let go and write, out comes the truth of my soul.

the soul he already sees and knows….and he just waits for me to find it.

So, here I sit alone in my living room with nothing but the glow of my laptop and hum of the kitchen….doing something I rarely do….

I am just writing.

There is no direction, no idea what I will share or how it will end.
No lesson to teach, more so just hopes that a lesson will be learned.
That through my writing, God will show up and make sense of the thoughts that are keeping me awake.

I think about Taylor…and how he’s almost 7.  And I don’t know why suddenly 7 seems so significant, but I am amazed at how it really did pass in a blink of an eye.

i get now what they mean when they say life is short….
I look at him and I am in awe.  In awe at who he is.  At who he is becoming.  And at how he is SO much like his dad, and so much like me, and yet he is so much his own person.  
And I am proud.
Because he is better than I could have dreamed or hoped.
And I feel relief….because I didn’t know what I was doing.
i still don’t.
But in 7 years I have let go so much of the control.
I have learned to love unconditionally.
I have learned strength.
I have come to LOVE being a mom….even on the hard days.
I wouldn’t trade them even on the hard days.
And then my thoughts turn to where I am now.  How I am so different now.  More aware, yet more confused.  Confident yet still insecure and unsure.  
I wonder what God is doing with me.  Where is He taking me?  
What IS my purpose?  
Leading the youth?
Speaking?
Writing?
And then I think….
It’s been 4 years. 

Four years that I’ve been writing here on Le Musings of Moi.
And it’s grown…a little.
And there have been opportunities….plenty.

And I cherish the growth and the opportunities and I even put them all into a folder called encouragement…

but…

But, when I compare this place to others that started when I did, or even to newer blogs with more success (and i know i shouldn’t….), I feel as though I can’t keep up.
And I wonder…

If something is good, isn’t there growth?
And if there isn’t, is it time to let it go? 

To give up the dream.

Where do I go from here?

And then I’m back to thinking about where God has me now.
I feel a shift happening…a change.
A stirring.

I remember back to just days ago when we were planting and sweeping and preparing for spring, and I was overwhelmed with a feeling that things were soon to be different.

And sitting here now, I wonder….what was that feeling?
It settled me then, but it confuses me now.

And in and out of all those concrete thoughts are moments of sadness for the people I know and know of that are hurting, and struggling, and probably up tonight as well with swirling thoughts of their own.

dear jesus, i can’t sleep tonight.
and this is me.
alone with my thoughts.
i pray you hear me and through your Holy Spirit, you find meaning in it all.
© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
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