i’m just going to come out and say it

I’m sitting here right now, and it’s really late.  Like midnight late.
I should be sleeping because my kids like to wake up early and make the most of their days.
{where on earth did they learn this is what I want to know….}
But instead, I’m at my kitchen table in the dark, alone and feeling….content.

Or should I venture to say it?

2011 was a rough year.
Between pancreatitis and losing my gallbladder and trying to treat anxiety naturally….there were plenty of very low lows.
I remember dreading the mornings, and longing for the nights.
All I wanted was sleep, rest, relief.
I felt like a terrible mom and wondered why God had even allowed me children.
I tried to pray and draw near to God, but I just couldn’t feel Him.
Don’t get me wrong, He was there….but I was too lost to feel Him.

I felt no joy and was sure this was to be my life, and I would simply just have to put one foot in front of the other and walk forwards until one day it became a habit.
I would smile on the outside, and struggle on the inside.

And while this may sound dark, but in the depths of my anxiety, I felt I had a glimpse of what hell must be like.
An eternity without hope or joy.
And that’s exactly where I was…

But I never gave up.
I’ve never been a quitter.
{well, except for beauty school, but let’s not count that right now.}
But that’s mostly because God’s spirit within me wouldn’t allow it.
He nudged me, and while I couldn’t see it then, I definitely see it now.

And though I don’t like to spend much time thinking on the last few months of 2011 for too long, I at times allow myself a moment or two.
Because I know I had to walk through it.
Again.
I had to in order to be where I am right now in the middle of my kitchen at midnight….

Nothing is different.
Except I gave up control.
I stopped trying to fix myself by myself.

I finally allowed God and others to speak into my life and I accepted help when it was needed.
And when I finally was able to do that?
I suddenly felt God again.

And while I now have answers to the some of the why’s and I am realizing that there IS a reason behind the struggles, the funny thing is….
even before the answers, simply by letting go, I was already on the road to contentment.

And now….I am excited to wake up.
Okay not excited per se, but I do it now without anxiety.
And then at 10 am, I really AM happy to be awake.
I savor every moment with my kids.
{except for when they’re annoying me, and then I call a babysitter.}
But then I go somewhere alone and savor them from a distance.

I look forward to my future…because for the most part I have hope again.

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