It creates fear when there is no obvious reason to be afraid.
It’s like hearing a scary noise that nobody else can hear but you.
And it makes your heart beat a little faster, and your palms get a little sweaty….
and if you’re me….
it makes you have to poop.
but then again, what doesn’t make me have to poop???
{among the list: spending too much money, flying, stress, the morning, caffeine, sugar….in case you wondered}
Another thing about MY kind of anxiety….is that when it happens, I tend to go immediately to my worst case scenario.
Which is…..
Are you ready for this???
And crazy.
And of course, it’s all because “I once had anxiety…”
and I am convinced that’s how homelessness and crazy begins.
With anxiety.
And then not only would I be lost in a state of anxiety, but where would I poop???
And because I have this fear….I kind of have a hard time refraining from asking any crazed homeless person I come across if it all started with anxiety for them.
Cause you know, I come across them often.
Which I don’t.
Because I’m prone to anxiety.
Once, us youth group leaders were asked to take our individual group of girls out on a service night. You know, to serve other people.
And one of my best friends and I decided to team up our girls and make a plan.
Somewhere in the planning, feeding the homeless came up.
Perhaps by me?
{it’s just that my heart aches for those poor people, for which i mostly relate to because I TOO have anxiety. you know, where it all began for them. i get them.}
But as soon as it was suggested, I immediately suggested something else.
“It’s just that…..I can’t really be around the homeless right now. I can’t even go downtown to visit Jimmy at work anymore…” I tried to explain.
“And why is this?” she cautiously asked.
And then I decided it was time someone OTHER than Jimmy hear my constant irrational thoughts and fears.
She was about to go from being just a friend, to now becoming one of my “inner circle.”
{where you are all about to be as well….because i’m about to go full disclosure here.}
“Because I am convinced they are all there because they once had anxiety and it drove them to insanity and now they are on the streets. Homeless. And crazy. And talking to themselves. With the need to poop and nowhere to go but their pants. And I know when I see them, I will be forced to ask them to tell me the truth, and they will….they will tell me about the day the anxiety switched to crazy. And there just isn’t enough medicine in the world for me to handle that kind of truth.”
There.
It was finally out there.
And then….she laughed.
Which made me laugh….
Because when people laugh at me, I’ve learned to laugh along.
It’s less awkward that way.
“Summer.” She began.
“THAT will never happen. First of all they did NOT start out with anxiety. And if they did, it probably then lead them to drugs and alcohol before the REAL crazy kicked in. And also? They probably didn’t have a support system in place to get them help, and YOU DO.”
“But, what if Jimmy can’t handle me anymore and he leaves me, and then I really lose it?” I retorted. Because you see, my anxiety already has this all worked out.
She continued….
“IF that were to happen, you can always come and live with me. I promise, you will always be cared for. You WILL NOT end up on the streets homeless and crazy.”
And while Jimmy has told me that over and over again, hearing it from her suddenly caused my heart to soften.
I still wasn’t convinced that anxiety wouldn’t lead to crazy, but I was starting to feel a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, I’d at least be a crazy with a place to live.
“Okay.” I responded slowly.
“It’s a deal. But to make it up to you, I will allow you to bring me out at parties as your entertainment. Teach me to do things or tricks that make them laugh, and then somehow I’ll feel like I’m making it up to you.”
“Deal.” She said.
And that night?
I slept a little better.
And the next day?
I felt a little lighter!
Then a few months later when I finally decided to tell my counselor about this anxiety homeless fear….she began with the same comforting words….
“But you have a support system in place, that will never happen.”
And I was actually able to respond WITH CONFIDENCE,
“Oh yes, I know. My friend Leah has already promised me a room in her house.”
And that you guys, is why we need to be honest with each other about our thoughts and fears….
because when the comfort of our husbands words aren’t quite enough,
the promise of crazy care from a friend sometimes is.
Sometimes a girlfriend gets you in a way nobody else can.
And this way, on the chance anxiety one day DOES lead to crazy….
You can be rest assured, you will always have a place to call home.
And more importantly, you’ll always have a place to poop.
© 2012 “Le Musings of Moi”
Oh Summer. No one can write about anxiety, craziness, homelessness and poop quite like you can. love you to stinkin pieces! haha xoxo
I love this! I’m proud of you Summer for putting your deepest darkest fear our there, for when you do, the fear doesn’t quite have the same paralyzingly grip on you as it does when it’s a thought run amuck in your head. Oh and just so you know I wasn’t laughing at you, but in the moment i guess it wasn’t “with” you either. However, you and I both know that you make me laugh ALL the time so my response wasn’t shocking. 😉 AND I meant what I said, but we both know that Jimmy has mad love for you and you will always have a place to call home. 🙂 Love you and love this post because I know how hard it must have been to put this out there.
I love it!! I have fears of my irrational fears turning to REAL CRAZY too… but I”m not homeless…I’m in an institution. :S
Love your heart and your humor girlfriend. I’d let you use my toilet for anxiety pooing any day 🙂 🙂
it’s a gift, I know. haha. May be my only one, so I have to use it well! =)
Oh sweet Leah….it’s okay, I was totally laughing at myself too. I know I can be ridiculous….which is why I offered to be your party time entertainment. You can be like, “tell them that one story about when you thought you’d have nowhere to poop!!!!” haha =)
I love you girl! xoxo
Oh! I have the institution fear too! But when I told Leah about that, she actually pointed out that some institutions aren’t so bad. It’d be like a nice little getaway…. Plus, Jimmy reminds me that when you’re full on crazy, you don’t ACTUALLY know you’re crazy. That’s when you’re really crazy, you actually believe you are JUST fine and it’s everyone else that has the problems. =) So, maybe that’s not something to fear after all. hmmm, such deep thoughts. lol
I have been following your blog for about a month and i can honestly say that you are so much like me it scares me.
the pooping- I TOTALLY get it. I poop 5 thousand times a day, someone just has to mention something that stresses me out and i poop. For real. Get. it.
anxiety- is ridiculously present in my life. FOR REAL. To the point that it use to trigger me to have a seizure. I get it.
and you have pretty much the exact same humour as me!
Amen,Summer:) it is so hard to open up to people other than your partner with fears. I wish we all had the courage to do it with our friends more often. The last time I did I felt so much better after. I think we just need to hear that things will be ok if life turns upside down. So far God has put out a safety net out for me every time my anxiety got unmanageable-meaning life got better when I got to the point where I thought I could not handle another minute. I try to remember that.
It’s nice to know that I’m not alone! I can take a situation, run with it until I reach the worst possible conclusion. Of course, most of the time the worst possible conclusion isn’t the real conclusion – but that’s just because I already pictured it.
Oh my gosh Tiffany!!!! To the point of seizures??? scary! How do you cope with it all? The pooping, the anxiety….you know being like me. (sorry.;-)) We need all the tips we can get.
I love how God does that….right when we think we can’t go a second longer, he rescues us. I just hope and pray he continues to do so. =) If not, my friends have a mighty big responsibility on their hands. ha ha!
Love! You can poop at my place!
Careful! Now it’s in writing!!! haha =)
easy answer. God. God is the only reason that I can manage it at all. And as far as the seizures go anxiety use to be one of my triggers that is all. it is scary. I literally just have to fall to my knees and pray to good to remove the anxiety from my life, over and over and over again.
and i throw myself into whatever I’m doing. currently i am in nursing school (about to graduate, don’t even get me started on the anxiety that comes with that) so for the last 4 years my life has revolved around school. i focus on one thing asa time.
it sucks but i can honestly say that God is building character in me through it and I have improved so much! 🙂
Praying for you sister!