a letter to my kids about anxiety….

anxiety

 

My sweet Taylor and Chloe….

Before I explain things to you, know that I love you.
Beyond words.
I love you that much.

And it is because I love you that I need you to know that I am not perfect.
And sometimes my imperfections may hurt you.
Sometimes you might even think that what I struggle with has something to do with you, and you’ll wish things were different.
And trust me.
Sometimes so do I.
So do I.

The truth is, every single one of us in this world has a struggle.
We all have something that we have to continually work and fight against, something that causes us to cling just a little tighter to our Savior.

And mine?
In this moment happens to be longer than I’d like moments of anxiety and sadness.
It comes without warning and goes just the same.
And it’s not because I don’t love God enough, because I do, maybe even more now than I ever did before.

I love Him and have given Him my whole heart and soul, and because of that, even in my anxiety, I still have peace. And I accept that this is simply my struggle for now, the thorn in my side that causes me to rely only on the Lord’s strength, rather than my own.

I need you to know that I am a fighter.
I may cry and freeze up from time to time, but I do not and I will not lay down and let this take over me. Because I have the power of God that lives within me, daily I am able to take up my cross and call upon Him to be my strength.

You must know and BELIEVE that this has NOTHING to do with you….or my love for you.
When I need to go in my room to find a peaceful moment, it’s not because I don’t love you.
When I seem to be short tempered, it’s not because you are or have done anything wrong.
When I have tears in my eyes, it’s simply because I am hurting, but never because of anything you did or anything you are.
This is simply me….living and learning, taking each moment as it comes, and accepting the challenge God has placed before me.

My babies, also know this.

Sadness, depression, anxiety or the like….is not necessarily wrong, nor is it always our fault that we feel these things. But we need to remember that it cannot HAVE US.
We cannot give in to it.

It is my faith in Christ, (as well as my love for daddy and the two of you), that I have found it in me to fight. I will do whatever it is I have to do to be the best mom and wife I can be. I will fight this battle with all that God has given me so that I am able to come out of this one day stronger and better able to live the life He created me to live.

But, right now….I am still struggling.
Still fighting.
And still, perhaps, not entirely the best mom and wife I dreamed I would be.
I get sad.
I get anxiety.
I feel broken and scared.
I am so incredibly human.

For whatever reason, God is allowing this in my life at this time.
But He is sovereign. He has plan.
In Him, there IS always a purpose.
We may not see it. I know I don’t right now.
But even if I never do, still I trust in Him.
The details, the results, those are all meant to be left in His capable hands.
The faith and worship despite the circumstances, well that is simply all I can do.

I have learned that often in our harder times of life, the Lord sometimes speaks the loudest. And I am in a place where I hear him ever so clearly, and it is sweet.
His hugs show up daily in so many ways, and through so many people, and it is sweet.
And so, I continue to cling to those each and every moment they come.
It isn’t easy, but with the Lord, it is always sweet.

More than anything, that is what I hope you take from this time of our life.
Though we will have our struggles, these times can also be our sweetest and most tender moments with Him if we allow it.
I can’t be perfect for you.
But I hope I can at the very least teach you that.

My greatest fear has been that you’ll think I was weak.
Or worse that God wasn’t good or strong enough to make it all go away in an instant.

Instead I hope you’ll know that it was me fighting a battle He needed me to walk through.
That your mom is strong, but that our God is infinitely stronger.
And I hope you’ll see that by putting all our faith in a mighty and all powerful Holy God, there is still able to be unbelievable joy and even greater beauty despite the pain.

I love you.

xo,
Mommy

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”

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Comments

  1. This is breathtaking. I know your children will appreciate this so much in the future. I know I would.

  2. This made me cry. I get you. I feel it too. And this was very well said. Kudos. And hugs.

  3. ::tears:: such a sweet letter. I too struggle with some of these issues and have wondered at times if I should even THINK about having children. But thankfully we serve a mighty big GOD who can overcome even the tiniest of problems.
    Praying for you today (((hugs)))

  4. Wow. Powerful.
    This was beautiful.
    Keep fighting… God is there.
    Makay
    http://www.thebirdssay.blogspot.com

  5. This was beautiful and honest. Your kids are lucky to have a mom like you!

  6. Sending you love sweet friend. Beautifully written!

  7. You are amazing and wonderful and so REAL. Walking The Walk and not looking away from The Father for even a moment. You are Peter, on the water with Jesus. Your footing may slip but you know that if your eyes are glued to Him, you WILL BE SAFE.

    Your kids will get it. Because you are teaching it to them. Because you are not looking to create an unhealthy cycle in their lives but instead to grow a young man and young woman into Children of the Father who can also walk with CONFIDENCE.

    I pray for peace tonight for you. That by writing these things out, you have ingrained them even further into your mind and heart and soul.

    Love you.

  8. I wish I could hug you! You are so much stronger than you realize. I love that you wrote this for your kids, but I think it probably helped you more than you thought it would. It wasn’t just for them. It was for you…and for us.

    I’m hopeful because you cling to him and I love that you said this: “But we need to remember that it cannot HAVE US.” Amen sister, amen!

    Keep fighting. I <3 you!

  9. Oh my gosh, this is so raw and real and beautiful! And i feel the same way… Anxiety and depression are my “crosses to bear” so to speak, and I want my kids to know it’s not THEIR fault or mine. And it’s not cause I don’t love and trust God enough. It kills me when people try to say depression isn’t real… that you just have to have more faith. Anyway, I won’t go off on that tangent. ;0) Back to YOU. Great post. Thanks for keeping it real!! I am loving your blog.

  10. Chelsea D Pyper says:

    Summer~~such a perfect post. This really struck a chord with me and it brought tears to my eyes! You’re such a great mom and you’re doing so many wonderful things. I can identify with so many of your posts! Keep it up girl :) Sending good vibes from half a world away! Chelsea Pyper

  11. Summer-This blog post had me sobbing in my kitchen. I felt like you took a piece of my heart and put it on the page. I too have two small children and a lifelong struggle with anxiety and depression. MY biggest fear has always been that I would pass it on to them. Lately God has been putting it onto my heart that being sensitive and emotional is a gift he gave me so I would care deeply about others. That’s the way I’m choosing to look at it, and as long as it stays there and doesn’t tip back over into the side of worry and anxiety, I’m okay. I know those days will come and on those days I will come back to your post and know that I am not alone. I will know that there is hope that my sweet, precious babies will understand one day that Momma is a fighter, and she fights for them, against this thing that seems to grab her and pull her away from them, every single, day. Thank you, truly, and God Bless you.:)

  12. this described me exactly. No one in my family understands this, so all I have is God. Thank you for being so transparent and loving in your letter. Your children will thank you and know you are loved no matter your struggle.

  13. Thank you!
    I have been wanting to write something like this for my kids but I can’t get the words and emotions right. It is as if you wrote this for me. It brings me peace and relief to know I’m not alone. Although because I go through it as well, I wish you didn’t have to. I wish uiu all the best.