far from recovered yet absolutely reformed

I absolutely would not be complete without my method of journaling*.
What started as a log of my fights with my sister in 3rd grade, has now transformed into a method of therapy* for me even when I don’t even intend it to be.
I’ll just get this bug that I have to write, honestly and transparently, and I must. do. it. now.
Then I’ll sit and without any premeditation, suddenly it all spills forth*.
My heart writes what my mind can’t speak, and once it’s poured onto paper, sometimes with tears flowing… I’ll set down my pen and breath a deep sigh of relief.
Because suddenly I’ll understand.
Maybe that is true intimacy with God, maybe it’s His way of speaking through me….
but when I have those moments with my journal, it’s a moment treasured and sacred.
Recently, I had a night like that….after months of having not written.
It was shortly after I finished the 30 Day Method, and I had been feeling…unsteady.
I went to my journal, ready for some therapy.
And not 30 minutes later, I felt secure.
Secure in my journey, secure in the lessons, secure in my God.
I had an unbelievable sense of peace.
Reading back over it a couple days ago, I realized that I needed to share it with you guys.
Though those words held close to my heart and soul, were not meant simply for me.
I understand that my struggles are not mine alone.
And we were never meant to walk this road alone.
*{links to other journal entries of mine i’ve shared}
february 4, 2011
I feel as though God has truly been at work in me…molding me and bringing me through some awful yuk on the inside.  
And while I know that I am far from recovered,” especially in light of my body issues….I know in my heart that He has absolutely reformed me.
It’s almost as though I’m coming out of a dark tunnel and I can see the sun ahead and I can see that there is, in fact, an end.  
Then when I look back and see all the darkness that surrounded me and how far back that darkness extends….I can’t help but feel incredibly broken and sad for the girl who’s endured it all.
Yes, I know I am that girl, and that she is still in there somewhere…
and all it could take is one step back, one misstep away from Him, and she’d be back.
But that’s what is different, I won’t ever go back there.
I just can’t.
My life is intended for more.
I understand now and grasp that I will not find lasting happiness in a flat stomach, I will not change lives by being what the glossy pages of magazines say is “perfectly thin.”
I will not fulfill my life’s purpose in striving for physical perfection.
I wasted too many years.
I cried WAY too many tears.
I lost out on so many moments because I’d lost my focus.
It’s all about balance now, finding my balance, which is different than hers or theirs.
I went from one extreme to the next and now I feel my pendulum is swinging towards home.
My home.  
My comfortable place to be.
It feels good and it feels right.
And even though those times were rough and dark and sad, I know God allowed it and I KNOW He will bring beauty from my pain.
{words that feed my soul}

I pray that from my pain, I can bring beauty into the lives of others.
Keeping them from this.
Holding them through this.

And if not for anyone else, at the very least, for my sweet Chloegirl.
It just overwhelms me to see God so incredibly faithful to me.
To see He HAS been working when I honestly believed He wasn’t there, believing He’d just had enough.
But, maybe I believed that because I was the one who, in fact, wasn’t being faithful.
But still…
there He remained.
Loving.  Patient.  Forgiving.
And doing all He could while I did my best to catch up.
So, here I am Lord.
Doing my best.
And as I rely on His truths and on HIS STRENGTH…
I feel more apt to let go of my own self imposed strongholds.
He’s working on me.
I know it.
I feel it.
I welcome it.
And I love it.


Regardless of what it is you struggle with..
whether you think He understands it or not…
I hope you know…
you were NEVER meant to walk it alone.

© 2011 “Le Musings of Moi”
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  1. <3

  2. Beautiful. I had to fight my own tears becasue those words could have very well been my own. It seems we are enduring the same types of struggles lately.

    I think of you often (I don’t pray, though I know I should). And I hope you are doing well and continue to. You are beautiful and I really admire you.


  3. Beautiful!

    I too have struggled and feel on my journey with Him, I feel I am starting to grow more than I ever have. In fact, this year I have vowed to read the Bible in a year. During this short journey so far, I feel I have welcomed a relationship with Jesus that I have longed for but felt I could never reach because I wasn’t being faithful. I’m trying harder than ever now and with the struggles I have endured over the years, I think I have finally found my light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope that I can continue to look forward and remain focused!

    I’ll pray for you to continue on your journey as well! HUGS

  4. Hey Summer it’s Ruthie That was absolutely beautiful you are a wonderful writer! I hope you know that :) Honestly this is the first blog where I read your new postings when I have time and find each one so heart-achingly true, relatable and a lot of the time hilarious. The last line really inspired me today ” we were never meant to walk alone” I struggle with so much I feel its not fair sometimes but I should know its all in the plans and will lead me to a better place. hugs to you!

  5. Just beautiful Summer!!
    Your posts are always so relatable, heart-achingly honest and hilarious. That last line about we were never meant to walk alone really inspired me today bc sometimes I forget that its not just me against the world… hugs to you!

  6. Oh ps. c’est moi… Ruthie- Categrat@, from fb, this is my gmail account

  7. Thank you for being so transparent. It’s been a while since I did prayerful journaling, I don’t know when I will come to the place of doing it again. Or why I don’t anymore. Thank you for raising questions in me. You are the light he intends you to be.

  8. loved these words and i really respect blogs that are not afraid of sharing their love for God.