the story behind me (lit-rally) and day 4

I thought I might share a little of my past history, and how it all led up to giving Tracy’s 30 Day Method my all.
If you really want to go back and get deep with me, here’s some reading so ya fully get my “issues.”  
It’ll be like a fun little therapy sesh, ya?
{in order}
But, if you’re not into back reading, or doing therapy with me, then here’s the short version.
In the midst of struggling with some serious body issues and after trying every workout known to man, I happened upon Tracy Anderson on Oprah.  (who’s with me?!?)
I was stunned and in love and ab.so.lu.tely wanted mah, mah, mah.  
{that’s more, more, more with a southern accent} 
I instantly bought her Mat & Dance Workout and worked that magic every single day.  I was hooked from the first moment, and should have absolutely been happy with my results.  I am 5’6 and was able to stay between 122-125 pounds.
But, I had issues.  
You can read more about them in those posts I linked to, but basically, it was a bit of body dismorphia.  Though I was at a healthy weight, I was miserable.  I would cry because I worked out so much and just wasn’t seeing the results I needed.  Only, the results I “needed” weren’t really healthy.  
Or realistic.  
I compared myself to other people, friends, celebrities, the girl in the grocery line, and then inside my head I would stack myself up against them.  And because I saw things in a skewed way, I always fell short.  My thighs still touched, my belly has a soft roundness to it rather than a concave look….It was miserable.  I was miserable.
I was constantly counting calories.
And then discouragement would set in when the scale wouldn’t tip below 120….(which was a goal because I wanted “flex” room to gain weight)….and so I would go on a little junk food binge, thinking “well, I’m already big, why not enjoy it?”  I wouldn’t go to too crazy, but a few bowls of sugar cereal and piece of chocolate cake may have happened a few times.  Or not.  And it may have followed cheese pizza and breadsticks.  Maybe.  
I had been weighing in daily, allowing my weight to determine whether I would be happy that day or not….and 9 times out of 10, it wasn’t what I wanted, and I’d get off the scale in tears.
Finally a year ago on my 31st birthday, I hit I guess what you’d call my rock bottom.  
I’d been having a pity party all morning and afternoon dreading my party because I would be eating out and unable to count calories.  And then I started to think ahead to the holidays (which are after my birthday), wondering how one earth I’d be able to resist all the food and sweets they’d have to offer? {I’ve never been one to say no to sweets….and then especially not the one to say no to the three or four or ten after}  I’d surely become fat and disgusting…
 I laid in bed most of that day and just cried.  I absolutely sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  
{and I may have had an amazing box of Vons chocolate chip cookies with me.  And okay, maybe pizza too.}  
But when my tears had cried out all the pain I’d been carrying over the years, something within me became determined.
This had to change.  
I had kids.
I especially had to think of my daughter, who would be learning from me…watching me.
I had to step up, take responsibility and do the work to get better.  
I was NOT going to continue on this way.
So, I called a counselor and made my first appointment for January and began the process towards growth and healing.
It took a lot of work. 
I read a lot of books (which are in my previous posts), did a lot of praying, and had a lot of people pray for me.
The change was gradual.
I’d notice little things here and there, but it wasn’t until October that I finally just let it all go.
I stopped counting calories.  I stopped working out.  And I ate.  Whatever I wanted, and I didn’t care.
I saw my muscles turn soft, and my thighs and tummy fill out.  I saw cellulite in places I never knew it could exist, and I really didn’t care.
I didn’t cry.  I didn’t weigh myself.  I didn’t think I was disgusting and stay in bed…
I was totally okay.  
I was happy, despite my body!
And that is HUGE for me, you guys.  
What may seem so normal to you was a turning point for me.
And while I am still happy….I finally came to realize enough was enough.
And that was about the time that my fat pants stopped fitting, and my underarm skin started to wave when I really never meant to say hi.  
But more than anything, I just started to feel yuk.  
I wasn’t comfortable in my skin, and for once, it had nothing to do with a number on the scale.  
That’s when I decided I was ready to do the 30 Day Method.  
Because after eating all of the DANGER foods to my hearts content and not working out a lick, I realized it wasn’t really what I wanted.  
Who’d have thought that gluttony isn’t all that great at the end of the day?
{oh ya, think that was Jesus…}  
Or two to three months in my case.  
I knew that giving up that stuff wouldn’t be a sacrifice, because I was over. it.  
Mah-jor.
{what’s up with this short version turning into a novel?!?  I mean, my word!}
Anyway, I could go into A LOT more detail, but I’m thinking I should save it for my memoir. 
{you’ll buy it, won’t you?} 
I think you get the point anyway.
Let’s get to Day 4….and I really will try to make this short.
I took all three supplements!  
Think I’m getting the hang of it.
I’ll only report from now on if I don’t.
Food:
Woke up a little light headed and actually had to open the fridge and sit on the ledge for a moment.  {can’t be hot flashes yet!}  
So, I decided I needed to eat breakfast pronto.  Fresh berries: strawberries, blueberries, and pomegranate seeds.  
To die for.  
Snack was amazing.  And it was really hard to stop and save some for the afternoon, but I did…because I care about metabolism.  I just do.
Lunch was exactly what I needed, and super easy to make, and I did it ALL BY MYSELF!  
{usually Jimmy helps me, I can’t even make a grilled cheese!}
And then dinner was absolutely incredible!  And incredibly small…
I’m pretty sure I can never eat chicken without mango and tomatoes ever again.  So good.  Mmmm mmmm mmmmm.
The hunger was present at times throughout the day, but nothing that turned my mood, which is step in the right direction.  
Hanger is not attractive.
Workout:
Once again, I didn’t wake up sore, so I decided today was the day I would up the reps to 40.  The first side was manageable, the second side took some determination.  And then, again, I did the arm section twice.  For cardio, I did the book sequences on the trampoline, and then the Thanksgiving Cardio twice on the ground.  Holy hardness. {that’s what she said.}  I decided that since my legs seemed all confused yesterday, it might be better to show them what’s up on the same day.  How’s THAT for muscle confusion?!?
I’d say the workout totaled 1 hour 45 minutes, which is my max time frame, as Chloe was awake and in my way the last 15 minutes…
So instead of adding reps, I’ll have to add ankle weights instead.
So far I have COMPLETELY stuck by the rules with no cheats or additional bites or unsupposed to drinks.
And it feels OH so good.
I just want to prove to myself that I can finish something I start.
That I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
That I am worth 30 days of getting clean and healthy.
Without ever once allowing numbers to trip me up!
And besides, Tracy IS the boss of me, so what she says goes.
So excited that you guys are here reading and some of you even (love ya Robyn!) are doing it with me…and I’m just so so in love with every last one of you for all your support!  
Mmmmmmmmmwwwwwwwwaaaaa!
Smackin’ it to ya.
My word, I’m wordy tonight.
{tomorrow I have some snazzy tips for ya…should most def. be helpful!}
….and because I feel this was a bit heavy, maybe you should read this post for a laugh.
© 2010 “Le Musings of Moi”
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Comments

  1. Love love it! Thanks for sharing!

  2. Hey Summer! I appreciate all your honesty and all that you are working for. I am the same height and freak out about an extra pound or three – I despise when I hit the 120 mark, and anything over that, well, I am just a cow. After reading some of your posts on here, I have decided to also stay off the scale. And I have picked a FUN cardio class at the gym to keep me happy and motivated to exercise. You are definitely not alone in your struggles, and are an inspiration to many! Keep up the great energy and wonderful spirit, girly!!

  3. Well done Summer you are doing amazingly well. You must be so proud of yourself for coming so far. One never fully recovers from such disorders as BDD or any ED’s etc. But its how we re-train our thoughts that help our well being in the long run, physically and mentally. I have started to work out again after a long spout of nothing and I’m certain I can be healthy now. Take good care of yourself and yours. xx

  4. Hi Summer! I just want to say that putting your story out there is not only healing for you, but for others. My story is very similar to yours. I am 5 “6” and I would always stay around 120 pounds by calorie counting and obsessing. One day I just gave up. I didnt want to do it anymore. Well, that brought me up to 140 pounds in about one summer. I am 22 years old and have been working hard to get my life back. I’ve slowly realized that counting calories and obessing is what hindered me from being able to drop the weight. THe moment I stopped counting calories and obsessing, the weight dropped off, more than it ever has. I now try to eat for health and the scale only rules me half of much, which in my eyes is a big step. Thank you for posting your story, because it helps me realize that there are others out there just like me and that theres hope I can get through this.

    I totally admire you for taking this journey and I am taking it along with you in a modified way. You are doing great and I love reading every single day!!

  5. Summer, talk about honesty. This blog brought tears to my eyes (literally- and I’m at work, lol). Kudos for you on your journey and for not giving up. You CAN so do this, I’m totally rooting for ya chica!

  6. Love this post! I found Tracy at the same time she was on Oprah and loved her too. But about a year ago I took a break (had a miscarriage and the school I was a therapist had a student commit suicide). I really relate to the dysmorphia and how pervasive it can be, I am tired of all the energy it takes from me to truly be present in my life. After moving from CA to WA (not by choice :)) I now feel settled to create space for Tracy again. Found your blog on the facebook page and have been stalking for about a month : ) Bought the book last night and love it. With my 35th birthday coming this month and with a scheduled trip to Disneyland, I know I can’t commit to the eating portion now but am working out everyday again. But February 1st man, I’m doing it! Best to you…keep on keeping on

  7. ok I gotta say that I am not into your Tracy workout stuff whatsoever, because I’m just entirely too lazy to work out and eat like that (but kudos to you for healthy goals) BUT I cried. It makes me so happy to see your personal growth. God is good. <3

  8. I stumbled upon your blog when I searched Tracy Anderson Method and I am so so glad that I did. You are completely great, fun, and totally fierce! Thanks for your words, especially:
    “I just want to prove to myself that I can finish something I start.
    That I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
    That I am worth 30 days of getting clean and healthy.
    Without ever once allowing numbers to trip me up!”

    I need to hear this.

    I have ordered my book and found myself excited to start – thanks to your posts! Best of luck and keep writing!

  9. Summer–
    Like you, I have tried every workout known to man and never felt truly happy with the girl in the mirror, or the number on the scale, or the way “diet” food tasted— and I spent years in a battle with my body, fighting obsession in my head and basically feeling like a nut job that I couldn’t just EAT and freaking RELAX! Every trainer I went to insisted that I should eat oatmeal and dry chicken and lift 50 pound weights and it always turned me into a VERY muscular, not very feminine looking version of me.
    Long story short, I discovered Tracy Anderson and had a huge epiphany…not only did I actually enjoy the workouts (in the privacy of my own home!) but I started seeing real results. The skinny jeans that I could only fit into 14 years ago when I was 22 and living on a diet of Camel Lights and Cauliflower– magically slid over my hips! I never even bothered following a diet while I did the mat/cardio combo workouts– I just made the decision to NOT DEPRIVE and enjoy the food that I was eating….once there wasn’t any “off limit” food, I realized that I wasn’t stuffing myself silly anymore–and I was actually tasting (and enjoying) the food. I now am working on a cookbook and do a lot of personal chef work…and my rule is NO DIET FOOD! Moderation happens when you stop depriving.

    Recently, I broke my foot– and all my TA workouts had to be put on hold— I didn’t get on a scale, but my jeans tell me I’ve gained weight…2 months virtually immobile with a hard cast had some consequences….but…Cast is off, foot is healed and I’m ready to get back in the TA workout mode. I just got her 30 day method and I’m really inspired by your story! My main reason for writing is to encourage you to continue to let go of the numbers and to quiet the voice in your head because your body will respond in incredible ways– I never thought I’d see the kind of results I experienced……Breathe, smile, give your daughter a big kiss and know that being a good Mom means being kind to YOURSELF. MWAH!

  10. Sorry to comment on an old post. I am reading through other pols blogs as i hit my own days in the method. When you say you did arms twice do you mean the length of the DVD or do you do 80 reps?

  11. I did the arm section two times through. Does that makes sense?

  12. Summer,

    I just found your blog and I am in serious Summer Heaven. I absolutely love how “real” you are. Im trying to get to that point now where I can just be “happy with me”- its much easier said than done. Thanks for sharing with us, You look magnificent!!

    Prayers your way!

    -Summer

    http://www.summer-raye.blogspot.com

Trackbacks

  1. […] right in without first sharing my journey through health, fitness, and my own real life struggles with weight and body dysmorphia.  My 20′s were incredibly rough for so many reasons, but the hold that my body and weight had […]

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