I had to say goodbye today.
And I sit here with a strange mix of feelings….
sadness, relief, worry, hope and fear, amazement and awe.
It’s all just swirling around my heart and my brain, and so I needed to come and sit.
And write.
Sometimes, it’s not until I write, that I finally get it.
I will often sit and read it all back and then I’ll be overcome with a sense of,
“ahhhh….so that’s what it was all about.”
“ahhhh….so that’s what it was all about.”
Here’s hoping…
Nine months ago I opened my heart, my home, and my family to a little boy….
and we were forever changed because of him.
But today, the wind shifted, and it was time for a new chapter in his life.
A new chapter in ours.
As I held him last night, {“just two more hugs,” he whispered}, I reminded him that God has a big plan for his life, and that I had been so lucky to have been a part of that plan.
My heart aches that it’s not different for him.
And maybe it aches a little that it’s not different for me.
It was supposed to be me.
We were supposed to be “it.”
I wanted to make a difference.
I wanted a feeling and a result that never came.
But I had to take my eyes off myself,
off the situation,
and look instead to the Lord.
I absolutely trust His plan.
And He has made that plan clear to me, over and over again.
Nine months.
Just enough time to nurture a baby in the womb so that he’s strong enough to enter the world.
Long enough to love the time and hate the time, and want it to end but never want it to stop.
Long enough to build a bond, and a trust, and a love that will absolutely go beyond any other 9 months you will ever live through.
I had my 9 months.
And I hope I nurtured him enough so that as he leaves my care,
he feels strong, and sure, and safe,
and more than anything, loved.
Sometimes it’s hard to accept your role was small…
but I pray that in his heart he knows that though our time was short,
my love was big.
All the way to heaven and back.
© 2010 “Le Musings of Moi”
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I can only imagine the emotions you are experiencing right now. “Two more hugs” killed me! I’m sure you know you made a difference. Can you imagine his life without you and your family to support and nurture him? You were “it”, just not in the timing you imagined, but, instead, in God’s timing. I truly believe timing is everything. I have had my own battle with God’s timing not being in sync with my own watch. But, I can wholeheartedly say that his time is truly better. You have been given a gift that not everyone is called to receive, and you have loved him tenderly and groomed him for the great future he has in store. Take pride in the moments you had, pray for more to come, and be confident that God is working through you to bless and inspire others.
May God Bless You!
*hugs you twice* I’m here if you need me. I know that he was so loved and perhaps this time was for a rebirth into a life with a new start for him. And for you.
Friend……
I know.
I love you even more than before after reading this.
I kinda want to drive to your house right now and hug you but you might be asleep.
Or in bed.
And Jimmy might not approve.
But I love you.
And I get it.
This might very well be one of the beautiful and honest posts I’ve ever read.
So grateful I found myself here tonight- awed by your grace.
T
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. Your heart must be breaking right now. I pray for peace and comfort beyond understanding for all of you.
Letting go when you want so badly to hang on is one of the hardest things ever, especially being a mom. Know that you made a difference in his life; you cared and loved.
I agree with kamisunshine. You have been given an amazing gift and know that little boy is much better because of it. You loved him when I’m sure he felt like no one did. I can’t begin to imagine the emotions you are feeling. I cried just reading this. You have my thoughts and prayers.
I love you & I’m so proud of you. God chose you to care for that sweet boy for a very important reason. It changed all of you and you’ll never be the same. I hope that this next period of change, and also getting back to an old “normal” is smooth & you find comfort in the arms of your sweet family. Hugs to my Summer! I love & miss you. xo
i’m so glad you got to influence him. is he being adopted or just transferred to another home?
Oh Summer, I’m so sorry. Foster care is a blessing and a curse, in my opinion. Because of this reason alone. I’m sure you gave him all you could to continue on.
I can’t imagine that seeing him go has been easy, but I give you mad props for fostering a child. I cannot imagine that it was easy at all, but you’re a strong woman of God and it was what your heart wanted.
I am sure that you’ve touched his heart in a very special way and that he’ll appreciate that for the rest of his life!
Wow, you are a tremendous person. I can guarantee…he will NEVER forget you and the unconditional love you gave him. My heart aches for you. But, you are in the right frame of mind – he is in God’s hands now. Many blessings….
kamisunshine said it best.
I can only imagine how that must feel.
xoxo
You are an amazing woman Summer.
I don’t know many people who are as generous and giving as you. Truly an beautiful person inside and out!
I am thinking of you through this hard time, and to the little man who has left your house for hopefully bigger and better things in his lifetime right?
Lots of love!
xo
we are shaped and defined by the moments in our lives… you gave a little boy 9 months of moments that will make him a better man..
you also received 9 months of moments for you and you family to grow, learn and love.
Tears for your loss and for your gain.
He’ll remember you forever.
Dearest Summer-
Sometimes to accomplish the mission our Lord has given you takes a moment, a day, a week, nine months. Remember dear Sister, that you will see the impact of this time of sweetness that Jesus asked you to do for him in this little one’s life. Courage and know that this time has prepared you for somthing more, somethig else, that the Lord has asked that only you csn accomplish. Peace! Love,
mj
That was an amazing post that flooded me with emotion. I can only imagine what you may be feeling. Know that you have made a huge impact in his life…forever.
Beautifully written, as always. So sorry you had to say goodbye. I love your positive thinking though. You are right, it’s in Gods hands now.
You gave him something that will certainly stay with him always.